Excluded from Husbands Family Celebration Trip to New York

[FanjoTootie]

So, DH just came in and told me that he is to go off to New York with his family for a week celebrating Mothers 60s BDay. It appears to be an exclusive event and neither my daughter or myself (15months now - 19month at the time) are not invited.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable to be a bit miffed? Obviously there is a hint of jealousy in mixed in to things - but more that anything I'm feeling pretty hurt.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up?

I guess it depends on what his responsibilities are during this week - is OP at work and he does some of the childcare? will be there any impact on the OP of him not being around?

Bluddy, .

I think you're wrong though. She would have chosen New Zealand.

I cannot imagine this happening in our family. Special birthdays like this are seen as family occasions, and would include the grandchildren/child.
Also a week for a 60th Birthday celebration? Sounds a bit OTT to me, even if the MIL goes for a week, I would kind of expect her just to want her children for a weekend.

But then I am terribly old fashioned and remember the bit in the C of E church service where it says "A man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh." Which despite feminist arguments is about a married couple becoming a new family.
It is not joined at the hip to expect to be consulted before my DH goes on holiday for a week, a week is a long time. He talks to me before business trips for heavens sake (I keep the family diary, so know if any dates are disastrous / have unforeseen implications).

I actually find the OPs reaction to be milder than my own.

This is not about being joined at the hip - completely different scenario than someone turning up with their other half at everything. I would suggest a trip to NY is not in the category of 'every little thing'. And even though it is paid for the DP will still spend a lot whilst there.
MiL said she is going to NY with her family -not the Dil -so the inference is plain to see.
Easy to see why there is so much comedy mileage with the subject of 'in-laws'.
And we cannot assume the MiL is doing something in the UK with those who did not go to NY -it is not mentioned.

well we all have different moral compasses, don't we? FWIW I would find it extremely rude. It's a 'family' celebration, therefore spouses and children ought to be included.

This wouldn't even be up for question in either mine or DP's family, and no we are not joined at the hip.

The difference of opinion here is really interesting. DP's family have a tradition of celebrating birthdays just the four of them - DP, BIL and their parents. It doesn't worry me in the slightest - he goes out, I stay in with a takeaway from somewhere he's not keen on, and a good book.

SIL, on the other hand, gets really upset about being excluded, which makes things awkward for the rest of them. There's been a grudging compromise in which she joins them for the meal, and then they drop her home on their way to the activity (theatre or whatever).

(For the record, DP and I are engaged, BIL/SIL live together but aren't married or currently planning to, if that makes a difference)

I don't think either side is "wrong," it's different ideas of what makes a "family" celebration. I'd come down on the side of waving him off gracefully and reminding him that he owes you one!

I shall remind my dh about that bit in the wedding service - occasionally he reminds me that I was supposed to obey!

It says "leave his mother and father" not forsake them altogether and cleave unto battleaxe.

chippy but if op is so keen to celebrate mil birthday (and has not just got the arse about not going to NYC) then why can't she arrange a nice tea party for mil when they get back to she and grandchildren can celebrate with her then. Or is it just because she wants to be all 'woe is me' because she wasn't invited. Big deal. I repeat - maybe they want to get pissed, go dancing till 3am, go to theatre, get more pissed, or just take every day as it comes and do whatever, whenever, and then get pissed. As long as its not interfering with any plans she a nd dh had made - what is the problem?
Don't worry - mil will be dead one day then she won't need to spend time with precious dh

This is like the child-free wedding threads (pick one, any one, they're all the same ) in that peoples' opinions are going to vary depending on their own family dynamics.

I must admit I do love the odd evening with just me, my sis, mum and dad because you share a bond/memories. Not sure we'd survive a week in NY though. DH gets on really well with my family, but if he's there, the dynamic is different. Similarly, if he's out for the evening with his bro and sis, I tend to not go as they have a unique dynamic when they're together and I think it's nice for them to do that without having to explain anecdotes from when they were 12.

If DH, his mum and siblings went on holiday without me, I would actually think that was really nice for them. It honestly wouldn't bother me one bit. But, I can understand why other people would think differently.

'Oh so sorry scaryteacher - I didn't realise we were amongst the hard of thinking here. Let me rephrase that then - New York is NOT a city for tourist toddlers. But you knew that didn't you.

'

Hardly hard of thinking, but if NYC has toddlers in it, then surely another toddler could cope. Don't see why a toddler couldn't be a tourist there at all; London / Tokyo could equally be considered to be toddler unfriendly, but people take their toddlers there.

But maybe mil doesn't want to do toddler friendly things. She has had her years of revolving her life entirely around small children and their needs, and now she wants a grown up holiday, not worrying about toddler nap time, food time, drinks, moaning on the plane and all that.
I am sure op could have a great time with her toddler, but mil wants to do grown up stuff, and why shouldn't she. Nobody could say NYC (or anywhere, for that matter) would be a relaxing break with a toddler in tow.

It's not like it's physically impossible to take a toddler to NY, but if MIL is imagining leisurely walks around art galleries and 3 hour lunches, then that probably is incompatible with taking a toddler, assuming they hang around together.

There are toddlers in HK (I have one) but if people ask me if they shd bring their toddler on holiday here I say "hell no"

I think the elephant in the room is that the presence of a toddler materially changes the nature of the holiday. There's no getting around that. If this is MIL's once in a lifetime chance to experience NY, I don't think she's being unreasonable to make it adults only

If you google NY with kids you do not get any results -a googlewhack. On no -my mistake -you get 1,230,000,000 in 0.37 seconds. Sweet FA for kids in NY -not sure how the millions living there cope.
Still think there is just too big a difference between an exclusive meal out with 'immediate' family and a week in NY leaving all the peripherals at home.
But as is usual in life each to their own.

This is like the old adage: a daughter is yours for life, a son is yours until he takes a wife. Or something along those lines.

YANBU to be hurt, it was a subject badly broached however the way you deal with it depends on you. YANBU to be jealous and envious of baby free time in NY either!

I'm finding the whole "you tell him he's not going" to be a bit as like pictish I wonder what the answers would be if the situation was reversed. Guaranteed not one person would be telling the OP her DH should demand she stay at home and be a sour puss. In fact it would be all "how dare your DH tell you not to spend time with your mum."

You know it to be so.

It would have been better if MIL had been the one to tell you and maybe say that sorry but she just wanted her dd, ds and dh with her. If baby goes then it will be all about her and if you can't be selfish just once in your life, for a landmark birthday, then when can you be? Indeed to expect everyone to cater for you and yours for every single event is selfish too. I wonder at some of the posts here, do you keep tabs on exactly who gets what and when and make sure you get equal everything?

So, when my dts are grown up with OHs of their own am I limited to how long and where I can spend time with them if I don't want their OHs there? Are there rules to this? If I'd had a DD would the rules be different (yes they would)?

Although as an only child I'll love when my family grows I'd like to occasionally have some time alone with my dts again - it would be nice actually to have alone time with the ILs and and GCs too come to think of it.

grovel I think an evening's dinner just with siblings is a little different from what the OP is describing here.

And pictish "no one is saying don't discuss it" Well, you were effectively, as this is what the OP's H has done, (and you said you wouldn't have a problem if your DP came home and said that) and it's that which many posters on here are objecting to, not the principle of whether or not he should go.

Apart from the cost issue i don't find it very odd to spend time as a family with no dils and sils and children for once. Nice to be all together but also nice to be once in the smaller circle.

But he should discuss it with you earlier. FWIW my dh is away to his family abroad right now, the dcs have school plus 5 flights is too much. but he didn't just tell me after it was arranged and thats why i don't mind. If he did i think i would feel the same way as you.

The MIL is within her rights to ask whomever she chooses to accompany her to NY, all expenses paid. But she can't then be surprised if her DIL is slightly hurt to be left at home holding the baby. And it's not about whether or not she can cope with that - of course we can all cope - it's the bloody rude assumption on the part of the H that this will be fine and the OP is BU to object that would piss me off. Bigtime.

Final point I'd like to make on this thread to all the controlling harridans naysayers:

I would be very proud of my husband taking a week out of his busy life, in order to spend it with his mum on her 60th birthday week, indulging her in feeling special to him, and loved and worthy of his time. THAT is the sort of man that I want to be married to.
Here's to the women that raised us!

Something as big as a week away would have to be discussed, not this us what's happening, like it or lump it. That is disrespectful! The op dh is not single without responsibilities so yes has to respect op and the impact that this weeks trip abroad would have on his family. Being the reasonable person I am, if that was dh he would be going, as some have pointed out Ian not his keeper he is his own person. But that would not prevent me feeling miffed and taken back. My dh would not go away without me, and would discuss it with me first, that's the way he is. Preferred home as he is a bit of a homebody.

When my DCs were a bit younger, and therefore higher maintenance, DH occasionally used to have to work abroad for a week or more at a time. We're talking work here, not a jolly. Even so, he'd consult on dates, we'd sit down with the diaries/calendar and work out how the week was going to run and discuss solutions to any sticky bits. One year he was away on Mother's Day, so arranged lunch out for us all in his absence. He'd rope in MIL to help out if I wanted/needed to go out and so on.
That's the difference. It would have been a whole different kettle of fish if he'd waltzed in and said "I'm off that week, sort it."

pictish you are SO missing the point.

If I had a DH, once I'd told him I'll expect the same holiday for my 60th, I'd hand him a great big shopping list!

i get a lot more annual leave than my dh and i'd be most put out that it was taking him away from us for a week of his very scarce and very precious leave.
i'd be ok with a weekend or long weekend.