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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confiscate her bank card?

402 replies

WongaWoman · 10/11/2011 21:11

Today I opened the October bank statement of my eldest DD (19) and was horrified to discover that she was overdrawn by £280, had been charged nearly £90 in authorised and unauthorised overdraft charges, had accrued over £40 so far this month in charges, and she had received a payday loan of £100 from a well known online payday loan company earlier in October.

She is only on apprentice pay of £2.60 per hour! I have now nearly killed myself to pay off her payday loan and overdraft. With back up from my DH I have confiscated her bank card until I get all my money back as I thought it was the cheapest option for her. She was in floods of tears tonight in embarrassment and at losing her independence.

I don't really know what else I could have done. AIBU?

OP posts:
doggydaft · 10/11/2011 21:13

I understand why you have confiscated her bank card but why were you opening her mail? So for that you ABU

GreatBallsOfFluff · 10/11/2011 21:13

YANBU for being angry.

YABU for paying the overdraft off for her. You should have left her to pay it back herself and learn the hard way!

troisgarcons · 10/11/2011 21:14

Jeez - you open her mail???

You confiscated the bank card of a 19yo adult???

Worse still - you paid off her debt?

Why are you micro managing your daughter? let her sort out her own mes. If she has half a brain she will report the card lost and get a new one. Will you also be opening any subsequent mail?

You are the parent from hell, Sorry of that offends - but you need to step right back

DoMeDon · 10/11/2011 21:16

She is a 19 year old - that makes her an adult - HTH

YABU by the way.

HeidiKat · 10/11/2011 21:16

YABU, how is she ever going to learn to budget and stick to it if mummy and daddy bail her out when she goes overdrawn, she is an adult so let her sort it herself.

StrandedBear · 10/11/2011 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoMeDon · 10/11/2011 21:17

You could have fostered a relationship of trust and honesty where she could come to her mother for advice and help. Bit late for that now though! Opening another adults mail is illegal isn't it!?!

RhondaRoo · 10/11/2011 21:18

She is 19, it's up to her to learn the hard way I'm afraid. If you do this once, she will not learn to control her finances because good ol' mum will always bail her out.

I understand you want the best for her, but this is not the way forward.

Had my mum opened my mail when I was 19 there would have been hell to pay. The letter is addressed to her, you have no right to open her mail.

She has been really stupid, but she needs to learn from her mistakes. Make her set up a direct debit for monthly payments into your account to pay the money back. If she refuses you tell her that you expect it back in full.

That's what I think you should do to help her - I'm not being heartless, she needs to take responsibility for her actions, which will help her in the long run.

hellhasnofury · 10/11/2011 21:18

Let her sort out her own mess? My kids would kill me if I opened their bank statements just as I would not be happy if they opened mine. I know it's hard but I think you have to let them sort their own finances out.

ENormaSnob · 10/11/2011 21:19

Yabu

she is 19 therefore an adult.

Yabvvvu to open the bank statement in the first place.

TheProvincialLady · 10/11/2011 21:19

You should definitely ground her. Or make her do nineteen minutes on the naughty step. Or back off, have an adult to adult conversation about one's finances and then let your adult daughter get on with her own life.

ChitChattingWithKids · 10/11/2011 21:20

I think YANBU - kids can get into big trouble with credit when they start off. Hopefully it will be a wake up call to her when she realises just how long it is going to take her to pay you back. But you need to be REALLY strict with her about paying you back ALL of the money.

But.... I don't think you should do this again. If she gets into trouble again then it will be her problem to deal with, not yours.

PS - If you want to make her financially responsible, are you charging her any board?? Not a lot obviously as she's on an apprentice wage. But a little bit might help teach her that she's got to learn to fend for herself.

troisgarcons · 10/11/2011 21:23

I have to ask - how long has she managed her own money?

I let mine have control of their own account from 14. Had one incident of a missed D/D, which I covered and dropped the allowance the following month accordingly. Never happened again. Couldnt stand the fact his phone was cut off for a couple of days.

GoForthAndSwivel · 10/11/2011 21:24

If I was 19 and my mother not only opened my mail but confiscated my bank card, I'd be livid.

She needs to learn the error of her ways and you paying off her debts and letting her see that when the going gets tough, mummy will be there will be more damaging for her in the long run.

Giver her bank card back and tell her next time she will have to learn how to deal with it herself.

onefatcat · 10/11/2011 21:28

I really can't believe you opened her mail! No wonder she doesn't act responsibly, you don't let her have responsibility for herself!! If you were my mother then I would hate you, is it any wonder she got a loan rather than asking for help.

Original poster
WongaWoman · 10/11/2011 21:29

She has only been earning for the past 3 months and I wanted her to pay me £100 per month (excellent value as she wants for nothing at home).

I have had nothing from her yet and I was suspicious about the payday loan after I found an envelope in her bedroom.

She was beginning a downward spiral of working only to pay interest and charges that she could have never got out of. I wanted to nip it in the bud as quickly as possible!

Have you seen what happened to Greece?

OP posts:
Maryz · 10/11/2011 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 10/11/2011 21:31

Oh for crying out loud everyone - her daughter is immature and daft and has gone to a payday loan company. Thank god the OP caught it in time, otherwise her daughter would have been in a hell of a lot of trouble.

Good for you, OP. You realised there was a problem and sorted it. Make sure she pays you back at a slightly uncomfortable speed.

makachu · 10/11/2011 21:32

You shouldn't be opening her bank statements, she is a grown adult and it is illegal. Her bank card is not your property, "confiscating" it is theft. I don't think that you should pay off her debts for her in future, hopefully she'll learn to be more financially responsible after this incident. You haven't gone about things in the right way at all. If my Mum took away my financial autonomy I'd be livid! Debt and managing debt is a part of life these days. She has the right to make her own decisions about how she spends the money that she earns, you might not like it, but it's none of your business. You're right to give her advice and it's nice of you to help out, but to punish her for how she chooses to manage her own money, not your money, is degrading.

makachu · 10/11/2011 21:34
  • I second that asking her to set up a direct debit to you would be a good idea.
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 10/11/2011 21:34

I think people are being very harsh on OP.
My DS1 is 19 and has messed up big time financially and academically. Both he and I wished we had stepped in to help him sooner, but he hid the problems from us.Sad
OP try to help DD learn to budget better, although I feel fir her being on such a pitiful wage.
Our job as parents is to guide and help our children, not just throw them out to the world at 18 and not care a crap about the consequences.

Cherriesarelovely · 10/11/2011 21:35

I can understand why you did what you did OP. I agree that it's wrong to open your DDs mail but I suspect that your DD was probably getting pretty panicky about the money situation herself and perhaps didn't know how to ask for help.

troisgarcons · 10/11/2011 21:36

Have you seen what happened to Greece?

Yeah, Greece defaulted on its bail out. Hardly the same scenario is it?

A responsible parent would have held on to the pay-day-loan envelope by virtue of stumbling across it cleaning bedroom (umm why isnt she cleaning her own?) - sat the offspring down for a chat - made her open the bank statement and discussed a responsible solution to managing the money problem. They would also have given a very short course on managing money, living within means, budgetting and getting a p/t job (bar work, cleaning etc) to top up the apprenticeship pay.

You really shouldnt be poking through her private things. That is such and abuse of trust that you will never regain.

madam52 · 10/11/2011 21:37

i presume she still lives with you ? So partly as she doesnt live independantly of you - you probably still think of her as a child so l can understand on some level why you opened it - out of concern maybe? But as others have said it was a tad controlling and intrusive and although she still lives with you and therefore still needs to follow your rules to a degree (house rules etc) and therefore be somewhat under your control I still think you need to change your parent/little girl mindset of your relationship and move towards an adult to adult relationship. Dont bail her out when she inevitably gets into difficulty - a few doses of having to stay in for 3 months to pay off debts or having her possesions seized by bailiffs will soon put her on right track !! You need to step back a bit.

squeakytoy · 10/11/2011 21:38

You would have been within your rights as a parent to ask her about the payday loan if you saw the envelope (assuming you were not snooping about in her room), but you were well out of order for opening her mail and taking her bank card off her. She is a grown woman, not a child.

Have you seen what happened to Greece?

This is your daughter, not a frigging european country!