to confiscate her bank card?

[WongaWoman]

Today I opened the October bank statement of my eldest DD (19) and was horrified to discover that she was overdrawn by £280, had been charged nearly £90 in authorised and unauthorised overdraft charges, had accrued over £40 so far this month in charges, and she had received a payday loan of £100 from a well known online payday loan company earlier in October.

She is only on apprentice pay of £2.60 per hour! I have now nearly killed myself to pay off her payday loan and overdraft. With back up from my DH I have confiscated her bank card until I get all my money back as I thought it was the cheapest option for her. She was in floods of tears tonight in embarrassment and at losing her independence.

I don't really know what else I could have done. AIBU?

wonga - is she likely to report cards lost or stolen and get replacements?

YABU - she is an adult and you should not be opening her post or confiscating anything of hers.

My Mum used to open my statements. She said she didn't notice the different initial. I got my statements sent to work.

Look.. start prying and she'll get better at hiding. DON'T pay off her debt again hut be available and non-judgemental if/when she needs financial advice.

I've got a loan that costs me £300 a month. Had it since I was 21. My mum has no idea and it will stay that way because its none of her effing business. If I told her she'd offer to pay it off for me.

My Sister is in debt too. She goes to the bank of mum and dad for frequent top ups

ivykaty - I hope not! I feel she has had a weight lifted from her. She didn't argue with my idea as her own plan to get her self out of debt was making things worse and worse!

I could sense that she was stressed about something. And I sensed that it was about money.

If she wants the card back she will have to ask me for it and come up with a workable plan to pay me my money back and quickly.

It would be idiotic of her to go behind my back for a new bank card after I have made myself skint to help her.

OP, How much does your DD's phone cost per month? Does she spend much on going out? Is she frittering much away on cigarettes?

Is she going out with old friends or new workmates?

i think that you were right to do it OP. I teach apprentices that earn £90 pw. one owes £700 to a phone company.
the next step is to agree a budget. how about her getting a pre paid visa card that you could load money onto for her, so she still has a bit of plastic? or just let her have a small amount of walking about money that she has to budget from.
i would have done the same as you if i had found a bank statement. Not sure i would have opened it but i dont think that is the point here.

My parents have done the same for me recently (well, they offered to pay some debt (which was not my fault) and get the council off my back from trying to evict me every 3 months..) and it has actually saved me from a mental breakdown

I believe YANBU, although I seem a lost voice in the wilderness - I totally understand why you did it.

I just hope she REALLY does appreciate it

Does dd feel there has been a weight lifted? Hopefully she can bottle the stressed feeling away for future reference when hse thinks about getting a pay day loan or something just as silly and get the bottle out to fell the anxiety...

try listening to her about it to see whether it has sunk in..?

Thanks for the pre pay card idea aquafunf. I think DD would like that too. I could really do with all the money back by middle of next Jan as I have to pay for next years holiday (booked and deposit down), so it is going to have to be a tough Christmas for her. Santa is very generous to her at Christmas though and I am sure she will appreciate it all the more!

littlemisssarcastic - DD's phone is £32 I don't know how much she spends on cigs and nights out and neither does she! She is going out with new friends and keeping up with her old ones.

Those payday loan companies are the devil's work.

WW - I've done the same for my ds but TBH it taught him nothing and I have a taken a step back from it. He owes me money which he is paying back monthly but the bottom line is that he's crap with finances despite numerous talks and advice, he is living beyond his means and getting extra is a click away. I feel your pain I really do.

I think it's great you are helping her sort it out but do treat her like an adult. Allow her to make the right moves forward with support

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it, I think you did well to stop the pay day loan escalating into some horrendous amount. The interest rates on those things are horrendous.

Can you introduce her to the Martin Lewis moneysaving expert site? He also does guides for teenagers.

Stop babying her! She lives at home and is in the ideal situation to stay making mistakes and dealing with them herself. Don't look into finance for her, don't do her research. She, presumably,is capable of such things.

Of course YANBU. If she doesn't understand money yet, you have to make a big effort to teach her. If she's only earning £20 a day she's hardly going to be able to pay off these debts.
Try turning everything into cash, putting it in envelopes etc. She needs to understand how much things cost. If she wants for nothing at home, that's probably why she doesn't understand the concepts of income and outgoings.

Remember credit agencies refer debts to the property as well as the individual so you are right to clear the debt.

She's nineteen. She's just done her A levels (or equivalent). Teach her A level WONGA.

She's 19. Leave her mail alone.

Why would she use an expensive prepaid Visa card when she has her own debit card?? The better option is for her to ask the bank to reduce/remove her overdraft facility and get her used to paying the bills (ie bed and board) at the start of the month.

If she does want help, look at setting up an esavings account to move some money into month by month to act as a cushion (£10/month adds up...).

The debt is not refered to the property unless it is unsecured or joint. But it was a good thing to get her out of the payday loan trap early, as long as she understands why you had to do that.

Here is the MSE teenager's cash guide that a few people have mentioned. Did she get any financial education at school? I'm forever grateful to the maths teacher who taught us how to handle interest rates and showed us how you have more money overall if you save and pay in cash rather than take loans out for big but affordable purchases (student loan and mortgage don't fit into the affordable catagory, everything else does).

*secured not unsecured!! Its too early

I don't understand how you came to open her post. I wouldn't have opened my DCs post when they were 9yrs never mind 19yrs.

If you had phoned the bank, or tried to deal with the bank on her behalf they wouldn't have told you anything at all.
You were way out of order to interfere.

You need to discuss it and then let her budget.

How would you like it if someone opened your post and then sorted it out for you told you that you were irresponsible and took away your bank card? Is there an age where you would stop -21yrs, 25yrs, 30yrs?

Congratulations OP on teaching her an important lesson.

Namely that the Bank of Mum and Dad is open all hours and never says No.

Will you do it again or will you let her stew in her own juice?

And the next time?

And the time after that?

YABVVVVU!!!

She's 19 FFS not 9. You've broken the law by opening her post.

How is she meant to learn about money if Mummy and Daddy bail her out.

Right, I think deciding her rent on what she earns is a bit controlling, you have basically decided that £350 is enough for her.

She is not earning she is on an apprenticeship - so she can earn later. If she were at uni it would be costing you a lot more and you would have no idea of her i&e.

You could have told her you found the payday envelope and had a Frank discussion and asked if she was in trouble. Instead you opened her bank statement breached trust and immediately took over? Why didn't she tell you she was struggling voluntarily?

Finally, i stayed home with my parents to go to uni as they needed to support to care for my gran amongst other things. My mother took it upon her self to open my phone bill and decided I was spending too much and discussed it with my father who stole my phone for my own benefit. The bill was £40.00 as I had been calling my dbro overseas who had split with his gf so s one off I did not discuss it with them. I moved out that week.

They were left with a mobile phone, and had to care for my grandmother themselves.

I'll go against popular opinion & say that I think you did the right thing.

My Nephew did a similar thing, but my Sister knew nothing of it until he came sobbing to her.

The payday loan charges that he had accrued came to more than £8000, plus bank charges & bloody credit agreements for electrical goods.

He's still paying her off now 5 years later. I'll bet she wishes she had managed to find out about it when the debts were still at the few hundred mark.