to confiscate her bank card?

[WongaWoman]

Today I opened the October bank statement of my eldest DD (19) and was horrified to discover that she was overdrawn by £280, had been charged nearly £90 in authorised and unauthorised overdraft charges, had accrued over £40 so far this month in charges, and she had received a payday loan of £100 from a well known online payday loan company earlier in October.

She is only on apprentice pay of £2.60 per hour! I have now nearly killed myself to pay off her payday loan and overdraft. With back up from my DH I have confiscated her bank card until I get all my money back as I thought it was the cheapest option for her. She was in floods of tears tonight in embarrassment and at losing her independence.

I don't really know what else I could have done. AIBU?

To support 2 children alone? That's not very much.

OP - my parents were in your situation with my DB, only a lot worse. He had accumulated £5.000 worth of debt at only 19 and still living at home.

They only found out after they noticed repeated overdue letters in his name.
They paid off the debts and to this day we are not sure if it was the right thing to do. The other option was court action and possible prison. I am glad my parents didn't let him go to court, but my DB has never really learned the value of money.

He has his own place now, but struggles financially. He is usually asking for money from my DM or me and is constantly going to benefits office to claim support. TBH, he has mental health issues, which came to light when his debt was uncovered.

It put me in the bottom 34% of households. There was a link on here the other day. That pays for everything. Utilities, food, clothes, petrol, the lot. I live in a fairly rural area - to give you an idea, before the DDs schools started up a private school bus service to my town, I was doing a 100 miles a day on the school run. I chose to live here because of the excellent schools, and my parents just retired up here.

Thank you, serenity. I think if you just do things when you say and work hard you are already ahead of most of the lazy unreliable British population so it's not that difficult.

As for those who live off male earnings and divorce settlements that will make some of us positively cringe but I am a free market person so I like a state which allows people to live lives they choose whether that's home schooling children or Eton, fundamentalist Christianity, atheism or Islam, life on the dole or working 24/7. It's lovely to live in a country where we can make those choices. In Saudi they are seeking to ensure the eyes of women which are tempting are covered. We have a huge lot of work to do on this planet to ensure women can live freely and the more unemployed women, women living on male earnings and the like about the fewer chances there are for girls.

Also most working parents also bring up children of whom we are proud. It as little correlation to whether we stay at home or not. Indeed most women who work tend to be the ones who are better at most things including child psychology so you tend to find the better mothers are the working ones.

(Yes, sights, typo sorry. I had to learn to use a gun 2 weeks ago and there was certainly discussion about sights).

Xenia working Mothers are not always the better Mothers. But then SAHM's are also not always better than working Mothers. It depends in your situation and what you think is best for your children. I was a SAHM until my youngest was 8. They are now all happy in what they are doing. The youngest is 19 and had learning difficulties. But she is very determined and is at College doing a Level 3 BTECh in IT.

Sorry I meant has learning difficulties.

Indeed most women who work tend to be the ones who are better at most things including child psychology so you tend to find the better mothers are the working ones.

You do actually believe that, don't you?

My divorce settlement was the house. I got nothing else. Nothing. The house was bought when I was still working, and I contributed massively to it. It was mostly my inheritance that paid for it. I sold that house, and moved up here so my children could benefit from the excellent schools. Better to send them to a top performing Grammar school, than a 3rd rate private school, which is all I would be able to afford.

Moving up here also freed up a lot of equity. It enabled me to buy a beautiful house outright, and invest the rest to live off. I have fought tooth and nail to ensure I have a good working relationship with my ex. There will be plenty of posters who remember what he put me through earlier in the year, which culminated in the Police having to remove him from my house. Yet, I have never denigrated him to my DDs, he is 50% of their make up, and I want them to love their father. After all, I chose him once.

I would love to see you argue that absolutely ridiculous view with some of the many SAHMs who have degrees, and are, quite possibly, better educated than you.

They certainly have a considerably less blinkered, and prejudiced attitude than you do. You do a great disservice to women.

There is a lot in the press about mothers ought to stay at home etc so I trhink it's important to lay out that children can do better (not just as well but better) if mothers work for a large number of reasons. That doesn't mean on an individual basis those who choose to be economically inactive are always bad mothers or fathers and most of all children like happy parents who love them rather than whingers whether the whinger is working or not although we mustn't forget that income has a massive effect on child outcomes too.

In most divorces the only asset it the divorce. I paid out to my husband on our divorce. Inheritance does not affect things in most cases as it is simply part of family assets. If one person doesn't work or earn much and has to house the children then they very unfairly get the lion's share. Obviously many women and men would would like to change that in equitable rule but that's the law.

Anyway like most of us I am sure we all male and female do our best of children whether divorced or otherwise.

I certainly agree that good state grammar schools are better than bad private schools. Also the way children speak matters - see my reference to the Times article above and a whole range of other factors.

I do agree with you about speech. Being able to converse intelligibly is incredibly important.

I chose to stay at home because, for me, it was what I wanted to do. If I had stayed in Essex I would have had no choice but to work. By moving here, I have enabled my family to have a decent standard of living, whilst not compromising on their education. They live in a lovely house and, providing I am careful, want for nothing. They know I am always there for them, and being a SAHM has benefited DD2 especially. I have always been able to be at home for her if she is ill, and I have also had the ability to collect work from school and supervise her. Otherwise, with an attendance of under 60% she would struggle. As it is, she is still in the top 5 of every class for her year.

The fact most adults find 24/7 childcare and housework boring and don't choose to do it is not at all surprising.

I think that you have the blinkered attitude that we all think the same. I really enjoyed it when my DCs were babies and toddlers-adored it in fact. I was lucky to stay at home, I would have hated every minute of leaving them with someone else to go and do paid employment.

You are also the best person to be a role model for speech and conversation and debate-and the early years are really important-I wouldn't want to delegate that.

So did I exotic, I adored it, loved every minute. I found it fascinating watching them explore and grow. I hated leaving them.

First word, first steps, first spoonful of baby rice, first puzzle pieces, first roll, first day at playgroup, nursery, school, first goal, first try, first nativity play, first recital. All much more rewarding than flogging a £100k worth of Eurobonds. OTH I had my first dc at 34 and perhaps I had lived a little and achieved a little more than those who started in their early twenties. By 34 I knew my priorities were the baby, dh and our home.

You only get one 'first' and if you are out of the home you miss it.
I was older when I had mine and I found it terrifically rewarding. I don't see how dealing with legal processes, taking a gall bladder out or moving money around the markets can possibly match up.
I accept that some people find it more interesting, but I think that we should allow for the fact that we are all different.
I enjoy knitting and am in the middle of making myself quite a complicated jumper and I have just made 2 batches of chutney with my home grown produce- but I expect this would just be dismissed by Xenia as letting the side down.

I have yet to hear anyone later in life saying 'I wish that I had spent more time in the office'!

YANBU

So when would you stop opening an adult's post neily?
If they are married with a baby and their own house at 19yrs is it allowable just because it is your DD. Would you open it at 21yrs? 30yrs? or are going going to one of those mothers who think that they can always interfere?

I do recall thinking when dd was about 5 though "phew, thank goodness I don't have a third - Biff and bloody Chip for a third time would be more than unbearable"

It is like anything-you don't want to go on for ever! I have no intention of doing regular childcare if I have grandchildren. I have been there, done it, got the Tshirt and moved on.

I am not really that convinced that 19 year olds are adults nowadays. You still see mum and daddy filling job or college application forms, paying for their clothes, food and and any kind of entertainment from going out to going away. They still drive them around and I am quite convinced that 19 year olds that contribute to the household expenses when living with the parents are the exception rather than the rule.

The fact that mum can confiscate a card is not an intromision on her DD's finances, I can assure you that with that income that credit card was granted as it was understood the parent woul foot the bill if the DD defaults. In those grounds, I find the op actions perfectly reasonable, she has responsability for that credit card and a 19 year old child not responsible enough to be treated like an adult.

this is an old thread,,,, I remember it first time round

Well I think we have been a great mum to do this for her. Yes she's 19, yes she's been irresponsible and immature regards cash but she's your daughter and you have helped her. Just like most of us would do. My little girl is 3 and I have no embarrassment to say that for the rest of her life wherever she is and whatever's she's done I will help her. I am sure you have bollocked her. I remember my mum bollocking me when I was 19 and did stupid things. You make mistakes and you learn. You've been a mum in my opinion. Everybody on here can be amazingly small minded. Haven't we all been daft and nineteen? Has nobody here never borrowed cash off their parents? It could have been a lot worse. As my mum told me the worse thing I could ever do was go out and never come home. I think you've been lovely and as long as she has had a telling off and realises she has acted irresponsibly I think it's part and parcel of family life.

Why hasnt your DD got a bank account with a card with no overdraft?! That would solve the problem! I'm 21 next month & my mum wouldn't dare open my mail. I'm an adult. Why should she need to open my mail? Maybe I'll open her bills. Don't pay her overdraft. She went over she can pay it. Once she has paid it look for a account she can switch to where there is no overdraft.

you opened her mail.
you paid off her debt.

when are you going to allow her to grow up?

ah, an old thread. i must look at the dates.