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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to confiscate her bank card?

402 replies

WongaWoman · 10/11/2011 21:11

Today I opened the October bank statement of my eldest DD (19) and was horrified to discover that she was overdrawn by £280, had been charged nearly £90 in authorised and unauthorised overdraft charges, had accrued over £40 so far this month in charges, and she had received a payday loan of £100 from a well known online payday loan company earlier in October.

She is only on apprentice pay of £2.60 per hour! I have now nearly killed myself to pay off her payday loan and overdraft. With back up from my DH I have confiscated her bank card until I get all my money back as I thought it was the cheapest option for her. She was in floods of tears tonight in embarrassment and at losing her independence.

I don't really know what else I could have done. AIBU?

OP posts:
quietlyafraid · 11/11/2011 12:04

Wow, I'm glad my mother isn't like the people in this thread. I'm shocked. OP has my support. Never did me any harm to be bailed out. Not sure why so many people seem to think it is. Depends on the individual...

Ephiny · 11/11/2011 12:12

Of course there's nothing wrong with offering your adult 'children' advice or financial help if they need it. But you do seem to be going too far - opening her post, taking it on yourself to pay off her loans without being asked, confiscating her bank card (wtf?). You are treating her like a child, I would have been horrified and furious if my parents had done anything like that (though to be fair I never got myself into such a situation!).

fairimum · 11/11/2011 12:16

I think you are reasonable - I was very similar to your daughter at 19 and my mum did the same paid my debts and took my cards until I paid her back etc - just be careful as i fell into thinking my mum would bail me out (which i knew she would and she did) - my mum was too good to me and I learnt the hard way to be responsible with money - just please make it clear that this is a one off - i am so so grateful now to my mum and she will be grateful in the future!

StaceymAloneForver · 11/11/2011 12:19

i had my dad take my cards off me when i was 21.....but only because i asked him to, after i needed him to bail me out of overdraft/credit cards to the tune of 2 grand.

He would never have opened my mail or done anything without me asking.

to me that was learning the hard way, having to ask for help, it is now paid back to my dad and i am much more responsible.

You should not have invaded her privacy though!

YABU

SparklyGothKat · 11/11/2011 12:26

I haven't read the whole thread but last month DPs mum phoned him to say that she had 'accidentally' opened a bank letter and he was £9 overdrawn. We already knew that as we check our accounts daily. But DP was angry that she opened his mail, she doesn't bank with the same bank and it clearly says 'mr'
It's illegal to open other people's mail. I don't open DPs mail unless he asks me to.

Mousey84 · 11/11/2011 12:55

I think you need to sit down with your DD and alongside her work out the final repayments on the loans that she would have had to make had you not bailed her out, and how many hours she would need to work to pay it off. Its all too easy to take out these loans, and many people a lot older than 19 are doing it and getting into trouble long term.

Perhaps, since you feel she should be open about her finances, you should share more of your financial details with her - mortgage/ rent, electric bills etc and show her how you budget, and if you have to make sacrifices, how you choose what you will give up. Perhaps also suggest she opens a savings account that is for bigger expenses - she may want to buy gifts for xmas, or go into the jan sales, and help her focus on having the money there for that.

Moneysavingexpert.com has a guide for teens, though maybe aimed at a bit younger than her, but may be worth reviewing.

rainbow2000 · 11/11/2011 12:57

You will have to let her make her own mistakes as hard as it is,its up to her tp pay her debts not you.Dont bail her out again and no more opening letters that arent addressed to you and give her her bankcard back before anymore damage is done.

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/11/2011 12:59

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exoticfruits · 11/11/2011 13:41

I think it is relevant. You obviously haven't tried ringing your DCs bank. I have tried when DS wanted me to sort things out for him, it was inconvenient for him at the time. They will not discuss anything with you-and why should they? You are talking about an adult. If you ring university and ask questions they won't tell you a thing. Someone said 'why do they need an overdraft facility?'-obviously someone who doesn't know a thing about student finance.

I wonder where people draw the line and stop? If DD is 23yrs with a baby do you start opening her post and sorting things?

exoticfruits · 11/11/2011 13:42

If you were not in the habit of opening other folk's mail you wouldn't have know. Everyone's mail is private.

exoticfruits · 11/11/2011 13:42

known

Trills · 11/11/2011 13:55

There are two questions here really:

1 - would you open your adult child's post if you thought they might be being financially irresponsible?

2 - what would you do if you found out your adult child was in debt?

The trouble is that if the answer to #1 is "no" then you'll onyl find out if the child tells you, which puts you in a quite different situation and also says something about your relationship with that child

rainbow2000 · 11/11/2011 14:20

1.No i wouldnt open my dcs mail as its not mine to open.
2.I would hope they could come to me if they needed help.
But where do you draw the line they are adukts and entitled to their privacy do you tell your dsc everything.Of course you dont because some things are private.

RumourOfAHurricane · 11/11/2011 14:30

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HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 11/11/2011 14:34
  1. i woldn't open my adult child's mail
  2. i would ask them what they are doing about it. if the response was that they didn't know or it was clearly not going to be enough to get them out of trouble then i would start putting suggestions on the table for what they could do to raise money. take on a second job, sell some of their possesions, what skills do they have that they could use to earn money. if they tried all these things (and i mean tried, not just said they did) and i could afford it, then i would offer to lend them the money to pay off the debt. but before any money was handed over a repayment plan would be agreed.

there is a bad cycle people can get into with their teens and older children of using immature behaviour to justify treating them like children. when in fact, the behaviour should be used to show the teen/adult that they need to grow up and face the consequences of their actions. the consequence of getting into debt is either that you end up paying interest off for years and years (or go to court) or that you work your ass off to repay it. the consequence of debt is NOT that mummy will sort it for you. not if you want your teens and adult children to actually become a responsible adult that is.

i'm not saying OP's dd isn't being immature, but i am saying OP is playing her part in allowing her DD to remain immature and irresponsible.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 11/11/2011 14:37

if this DD lived in another house (still aged 19). say student accom or something and OP suspected she was struggling with debt and saw the letter on a visit, would it still have been ok that she opened the letter?

ditzymitzy2 · 11/11/2011 14:38

blimey i was married and paying a mortgage at 19!

dont think my mum would have rushed to pay that debt off LOL

larrygrylls · 11/11/2011 15:11

The OP has made her daughter face the consequences of her actions. She has not just bailed her out.

And, to all the "Ms Outraged of Tunbridge Wells" on this thread, I assume you are not the same people on the relationship threads who advise wives to go through their husband's personal phones and e mails at the first suspicion of infidelity and suggest that wives "confiscate" their husbands credit cards if they are irresponsible with the family money.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 11/11/2011 15:17

what consequences has she made her face larry?

exoticfruits · 11/11/2011 15:19

How would you feel if your 19yr old opened a letter for you from the bank, saying, 'I thought you might be in difficulties Mum and I ought to know'-and what is the difference?

exoticfruits · 11/11/2011 15:19

Lots of 19yr olds have parents who are irresponsible with money.

exoticfruits · 11/11/2011 15:21

Ms Outraged of Tunbridge Wells" on this thread, I assume you are not the same people on the relationship threads who advise wives to go through their husband's personal phones and e mails at the first suspicion of infidelity and suggest that wives "confiscate" their husbands credit cards if they are irresponsible with the family money.

You assume rightly.

larrygrylls · 11/11/2011 15:24

Exotic,

If "a 19 year old" who was worth a few mil opened my bank statement and decided that I could do with a top up, I would be very understanding towards him/her, I assure you.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 11/11/2011 15:28

larry what if it wasn't a 19 year old that was worth a few mil. what if it was your 19 year old who didn't have any money but lived with you and was concerned you were going to default on the mortgage and make them homeless? would you mind them opening your mail?

exoticfruits · 11/11/2011 15:33

Exactly Heresthething-and even if they have got millions it doesn't entitle them to open a letter addressed to someone else.

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