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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to do more re buying a house?

136 replies

SadieGeneration · 09/11/2011 20:15

I'm pregnant with a toddler sahm. Dh works full time. We are buying a house , I arranged viewings , mortgage advice, called estate agents , arranged solicitor . I asked dh to arrange an electrician for a quote as some issues on survey he rang about 3 then gave up.

I joined a site and rang about 20 so we now have 2 quotes. I asked him to sort insurance a month ago , today our mortgage offer came but we still have no insurance. So I called myself he called at the same time from work .

So now it is getting sorted. He does have a busy job but finds time to pop to supermarket over road for sandwich , email other stuff etc. I just feel like he has no urgency and I'm into my last trimester now and want to move ASAP. I imagine I will be doing removals calls too. Should I be sorting it all as I am at home or aibu for even expecting dh to get involved? The insurance can be called over weekend / evening too.

OP posts:
BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 09/11/2011 20:33

YANBU, you're not his mum too!
Dont do it. He'll have to. Does he not want to move before the baby comes?

DamnBamboo · 09/11/2011 20:34

Ringing 20 for quotes is OTT. If you choose to spend your time that way, that's your call but it's uneccessary.
Why do you need insurance if you haven't bought yet? Surely you won't do that until you have exchanged - or have you?

If you want it done properly, just do it yourself.

YANBU for wanting him to get involved, but you are being a bit OTT and precious and maybe he doesn't have any urgency; my husband never does (this all comes from someone who did exactly the same thing whilst living at home by myself with 3 kids aged 5 and under whilst DH worked away)

squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 20:36

I think there has to be give and take here. You are at home, with a phone at your disposal. He isnt.

Most employers dont take too kindly to their employees using the phone for personal calls. Plus I doubt he wants to make them at work.. or while queuing in sainsburys for a sandwich either.

Original poster
SadieGeneration · 09/11/2011 20:46

Thanks for the replies so far. I only rang 20 as nobody would give me a quote as we didn't own it yet so after over a week of emails and calls 2 have got back to me. I needed it as it was on survey as the most serious issue so need it to lower price if possible.

Building and contents insurance needs to be in place from completion so as we didn't even have a quote and everything else is in place , there is no reason not to arrange and fax details to solicitor .

My dh is the boss of his dept and can make personal calls in his lunch or anytime he wants really in between work demands. We also relocated 200 miles to live here so his company should be understanding to the house purchase anyway.

OP posts:
heavydutyjudy · 09/11/2011 20:58

I think it depends on how much each of you works...you are a SAHM but I guess you work about 12 hours a day while toddler is awake. I work 4 days a week but my DH has his own business and works incredibly long hours. our DS is 20 months old and I do almost everything. Including when we sold a flat a couple of months ago and moved - I did the whole organising myself, to the point where DH left one flat in the morning and came home to another in the evening! It can be frustrating and stressful, but I think he mainly appreciates what I do and I usually still work less hours than him, even with childcare. so you may be a wee bit BU

aquashiv · 09/11/2011 21:11

Email with specific instructions and if you can be arsed chase him.

By the time you have done that I normally just do it myself.
Dont get stressed though (ha ha) if you need help tell him exactly what you want to do and get him to find a solution too.
Can his company give you any support with the move?

troisgarcons · 09/11/2011 21:14

I have to say - if your DH is anything like mine - he will defer such stuff as house buying etc to ME because - as he puts it "I'll live where you choose we live" .... a man who understands a womans need to 'nest' is far superior to any whim he may have.

And no, he's not a wet lettuce of a bloke either. Our relationship is very equal - but he doesnt sweat the small stuff.

Now you are at home all day. Clearly you have unlimited internet access. Sorry, but if you cant google a comparison site and sort out house insurance - then really you are pretty poor excuse for an adult. (dont give me that silly bollox about having children to watch 24/7 either - I had 3 under 5's, worked full time with an hour commute each way, juggled his disabled mother and my hospitalised father too - and managed to run a house, including finances efficiently)

Your DH is out at work putting a roof over your head and food on the table and you expect him to give up his lunch hour fannying about with domestic tasks? Really you should be making his packed lunch rather than having him trott off buying it.

And I'm so put upon sap either. DH works much longer hours than I've ever done. So pull your bloody weight in the relationship rather than being needy and demanding.

squeakytoy · 09/11/2011 21:18

My dh is the boss of his dept and can make personal calls in his lunch or anytime he wants really in between work demands

Not setting a very good example to the staff though, if he does.

eyestightshut · 09/11/2011 21:25

YABU - He is at work - you have loads of time to sort this. FWIW I work 30 hrs PW, have a 2 and 5 yr old and have managed to sort the sale and purchase of a house, with all the associated viewings/surveys.
You are pregnant, yes, but it's not an illness pull your weight.

QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2011 21:27

Yabu. He is at work. You have your work, in the home, as a sahm. I am afraid this comes under your responsibility. Not his.

Original poster
SadieGeneration · 09/11/2011 21:36

Troisgarcons , blimey are you a 50s throwback? Er dh can manage to butter a bit of bread and put some beef in , but he sometimes chooses to pop over the road . Also I consider my role to be equal to him, we agreed I would give up work and have children close together , there will be a 16 month gap, then I will study and work after the next dc. I certainly don't feel indebted to my dh for putting a roof over my head!?

The reason he was supposed to be taking care of insurance was he is already on a certain companies books, so we wanted to increase and make life cover joint and also take home insurance out to get a discount so they won't talk to me regarding the life part until he called.

Im not sure how wanting my husband to take some part in a joint property process is needy , I thought it was more a question of dh being a bit slow with no urgency.

Also without my deposit from the profits of my previous property sale there would be no new house so perhaps dh should be grovelling to me for putting a roof over his head? Or would that not be a partnership?

OP posts:
Original poster
SadieGeneration · 09/11/2011 21:46

Finding it strange how now I am a sahm means dh can do nothing , as when he was single he would have had to sort everything out so surely a couple of bits would be easy . The insurance company called back this evening and he actually managed to discuss his medical history with the salesmen perhaps I should have explained to Mr Insurance Man that Mumsnet say dh isn't up to answering questions as he has been working sooooo hard all day. Maybe I should have put on a deep voice as I know his history so not to trouble poor little dh.

OP posts:
NiceShoes · 09/11/2011 21:46

Given that you are the SAHM, then I don't see why you don't complete the home insurance claim and any other tasks associated with the move. It is mutually beneficial to get it done,and probably easier for you to do then your husband try negotiate personal calls in work time. There needs to be some can do from you about this.

QuintessentialShadow · 09/11/2011 21:50

There is no need at all to be ratty just because you dont like the responses, Sadie.

We only go by your posts. If you dont tell us there is a need for dh to disclose his medical history himself, then you really cant expect us to know, and then be sarcastic.

troisgarcons · 09/11/2011 21:57

Troisgarcons , blimey are you a 50s throwback?

Well I wouldnt be a SAHM for a start ...... did it for 4 years and it did my head in.

SAHM - so 'twee' < boak >..... DH is so much better with small children than I am - but he was the major breadwinner - frankly the days he works from home the house is far better run ... Im far better at military organisation than he is. Hence I organise. He does all the fluffy fuffy pastoral stuff.

Its actually a complete role reversal.

Sap I am not. Wet lettuce he is not. We both use our talents and expertise in designated areas where we excel. That is the secret of an equal relationship.

Original poster
SadieGeneration · 09/11/2011 21:57

I'm only getting ratty because I'm not for one second expecting dh to do even half of it. I listed everything I have done already in the process which is pretty much everything . Surely anyone having mortgage protection/ life cover would know you have to go through the endless medical questions etc, that only the person themselves can answer.

I simply asked him to arrange insurance I happily sorted everything else, also he could call in peace as he has his own office , while I have crying , banging , la la laaing , which is ok for a quick call but not when on phone for 30 mins , when I did home insurance quote. Don't say do it in nap time as ds only sleeps in buggy really in day but that's another issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadieGeneration · 09/11/2011 22:05

Troisgarcons sahm is a crap tag, but housewife I ain't and can't really say I'm unemployed as such. I went on mat leave and followed dh to our new area after he worked away during the week for months. I didn't return after mat leave as would have been impossible due to relocation and I was 3 months pregnant by end of mat leave. We sold our seperate properties and here we are now. I'm not too keen on this sahm lark if means I do fucking everything other than dhs job. Load of bollocks that is.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 09/11/2011 22:24

Sorry you're having a hard time Sadie. You shouldn't have to nag him, but he does sound like he's being slack. Get all the info ready and dump it on him to take to work so he can make the phone call. Send him at least one reminder text. Companies are often open late now, so check the phone line hours and get him to do it when he gets in if he's still not done it.

Sidge · 09/11/2011 22:28

Ah getting it sorted to move house isn't that big a deal if you're not out at work and have one child to look after.

The thing is your DH has gone out to work to, you know, work. Not call insurance companies and make moving arrangements. You're at home, you have 5-7 days a week to do it so you can do it. Many companies are on the end of a phone until 2000-2200 or so - if you're that bothered hand your child over to DH when he gets in and you do it, or put your DS to bed and get your DH to call them.

IMO the person who is at home the most bears the brunt of the dross. It's not personal, it's just logistics.

Hope your move goes well.

Original poster
SadieGeneration · 09/11/2011 22:29

Thanks xmasbaby, I did state in my op the insurance can be called evening/weekend too. However it seems everyone thinks dhs freetime is too previous to do it then and that I am forcing him to do it in work time. He chose to call today from work.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadieGeneration · 09/11/2011 22:32

Arghh sidge I said in op. I had done everything except this one issue, why is this so hard to understand . Fair enough later in the thread I stated the reason was as he already had a policy with them and wanted to increase it , so that is why he needed to make the initial call. I have done all the other work myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadieGeneration · 09/11/2011 22:35

Also dh gets a lunch hour if he decides to take it. So perhaps once in a decade he could use it to arrange insurance for half of it? Hardly asking the earth is it? I don't get a lunch hour obviously and if I had any support from family and friends I would leave ds with them to arrange all this but it's not that simple .

OP posts:
Sidge · 09/11/2011 22:39

Calm down and go to bed!

OK YANBU your DH should have called them sooner and you shouldn't be left to make all the calls.

Better?

DamnBamboo · 09/11/2011 22:42

Sadie this is petty, just take it up with him. I assumed you meant buildings and contents insurance;but you mean life assurance? If so, yes, he does need to do that himself. Never heard of a mortgage offer being contingent on that tough.

YANBU but then neither is he.

It's just one of those things.

DamnBamboo · 09/11/2011 22:43

on that though

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