to want dh to do more re buying a house?

[SadieGeneration]

I'm pregnant with a toddler sahm. Dh works full time. We are buying a house , I arranged viewings , mortgage advice, called estate agents , arranged solicitor . I asked dh to arrange an electrician for a quote as some issues on survey he rang about 3 then gave up.

I joined a site and rang about 20 so we now have 2 quotes. I asked him to sort insurance a month ago , today our mortgage offer came but we still have no insurance. So I called myself he called at the same time from work .

So now it is getting sorted. He does have a busy job but finds time to pop to supermarket over road for sandwich , email other stuff etc. I just feel like he has no urgency and I'm into my last trimester now and want to move ASAP. I imagine I will be doing removals calls too. Should I be sorting it all as I am at home or aibu for even expecting dh to get involved? The insurance can be called over weekend / evening too.

I have no idea at all why the OP is getting such a hard time. Unless the rest of you have children who play for long stretches independently at 12-14 months old, or you stick them in front of the telly all day?

I work three days a week and I'm at home for two. With an almost-three-year-old. It's easier, on my days at home, for me to run physical errands, do time-consuming tasks like laundry, and generally pick up after her than it is for DH/me to do those things after hours. It's easier on my days at work to make complicated phone calls, because I'm not having to fend off "mummy who are you talking to, who are you talking to mummy, can i talk, I want to do some snipping will you help me do some snipping WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO". If she were younger, I'd be having to worry about her getting into trouble, breaking things, falling over. The OP's toddler is very young, my memory is that they needed pretty much 100% vigilance at that age.

If I go out with her all day I can't do housework and long phone calls. If I stay in with her, I'm pretty much constantly entertaining her, picking up after her, helping her go for a wee, making a snack, cleaning up after the snack, etc. There isn't actually a break - I mean okay, I can sit down on the sofa and read her a book, or meet a friend for coffee in a playground while our children run around together, but in the sense of free time, autonomy, doing something that requires thatn more than half of my concentration is elsewhere than DD? Never. I'm not lazy. I don't open a book, I don't open the laptop, I don't turn on the television.

Why is everyone talking about the OP getting to go for a walk and have a coffee as if dragging a young toddler to the shops is the same as having a nice stroll on one's own? On my days in court, I make small talk with other lawyers while we're waiting for a judge, is that the same as "having a nice chat with friends", then? It's all context.

I'm shocked , some people don't think I'm the worst sahm ever! Ds walked at 10 months now runs everywhere at 12 months , so yes I cant leave him for a minute . For example for 1.5 hours I chased him around a church hall at playgroup as he runs from one end to another , constantly trying to get out back door, which was closed. I see other mums chatting drinking tea , not possible for me as firstly I didn't really know anyone end just can take eyes off him. The leader gave me a box to put stuff away and I couldn't see ds , suddenly he was carried by a nice lady who has seen him trying to go out door as was open as they were taking stuff to outside storage. Then ds was in tears and I felt like crap for not watching properly. Then as he was tired he fell asleep and I went for a coffee on my own and had a sit down while he slept. Probably should have gone home to scrub floors or something though! I would still like to know what else a sahm should be doing ?

House buying is very stressful IME and I don't think that being at work means you get to avoid all the associated tasks. Or that there would be any suggestion of getting sacked/in trouble if you did. It's not exactly an unusual thing to do and most bosses have been through the stress at some point themselves and understand that a bit of leeway is required for a few weeks.

I did all the arrangements for our last two house sales/purchases from work. It was stressful, but not that time consuming, just required that I was available, which with a mobile phone wasn't terribly hard. I think that it's probably much easier from work than at home with a toddler to be honest.

However from the OP's point of view I suspect that she has much greater urgency for getting things sorted than her dh and that's why she is stressed and he is a bit laid back. He may also know that if he doesn't do things they will get done anyway.

Good luck with the 16mth gap OP! I have the same gap with my two and it was bloody hard work (including being physically quite tough having two close pregnancies). Great now though (but they are 12 and 11 )

Blimey you are over thinking all this a bit.
Tbh if I were at home (even with toddlers and pregnant) I would see it as part and parcel of my role to take care of the domestic scene. Ultimately it's a lot easier than trying to do it when you're at work. It doesn't look great to colleagues/employer/employees If you're trying to sort domestic stuff while you're supposed to be working.

You do seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder op.
Tbh your description of playgroup with your toddler will ring true for Many of us. That's exactly what life is life with a toddler! Are you getting anxious about how you will cope with another child? You sound very defensive and stressed out but at the end of the day, what you describe is just normal life with young kids, and indeed many people have 3 or 4 little ones.

Being based at home all day, even with young kids DOES give you more time to take care of domestic things, it simply does, no way can you deny that. Many mums of young kids would be doing a similar routine to you, having broken nights, up early in the morning, fitting in supermarket and housework- but they would also be dropping the baby at nursery and doing a full days employment in between!

You need some perspective- you are accusing others of calling you lazy etc but actually those are your words, no one has been abusive (apart from you) . People are just pointing out that you should be able to fit this into your day.

Look OP, you are getting a hard time. But to be honest you are making this whole SAHM thing sound way harder than it is. I too am at home with a 15 month old and am pregnant, and it can be hard...but really,not that. Your day sounds very normal, and really bot that taxing. Dd is obsessed with emptying things at the mo, so if I need to get stuff done I just have to turn a blind eye to the mess. Maybe you need to give yourself a break and lower your standards slightly in order to get (very ordinary) stuff done without getting stressed over it?

sadie I have a 2.11 year old, 15 month old and am pg with number 3, we've just bought a house and arranged a letting. I did everything, viewings (2 hours drive away), insurance/workmen/letting agents with my two in tow, it wasn't that big a deal. Many people, as has been stated already, do all this on top of a full-time job.
Toddlers are full-on and take up a lot of mental and physical energy but you can still work around them.
Good luck with number two!

OP, you are getting a hard time. For what it's worth I'm coming at this from the other side - I have a FT paid job, DH is at home with DS. I do all the admin and phone calls because DH can't easily do it with a squawking 15-month-old in tow. I do it on my mobile in my lunch break: it's not a big deal. I don't get a free pass out of boring domestic stuff just because DH is at home.

Yes, there's stuff he does because it's easier for him than for me (dropping parcels into the post office, for instance: he does that for me because I'd have to do it in my lunch break when everyone else in the world is doing it), but there's stuff that's easier for me to do because my colleagues aren't going to cling to my trouser leg and cry if I'm on the phone and not paying attention to them!

Working on your Ds's nap might help as well. You have my sympathy, dd was never a napper, but of late has taken to having between an hour and two in her cot around lunch time. This makes a huge difference to my day, I can get loads done or just have a rest!

Ninkynonker - i agree.
No one else is saying looking after toddlers is easy - indeed, many of us have said the opposite - it can be extremely wearing, repetitive etc, especially when they are at that stage of opening every cupboard, turning every box upside down and running in the opposite direction from you!

But its not THAT hard! And when you are at home, you at very least have the luxury of organising your day. You can make phone calls, go to the post office, send emails etc. When you are at work there are long periods of time when you simply CANNOT do your personal business because you're - erm - working! There is no choice. And as for getting things done in your lunch break - well, not every job has a lunch break where you actually stop!

The OP also mentioned her active toddler napping in the daytime, which is an added luxury, and gives totally uninterrupted time for phone and email. When you have several under 5s and they've given up day time naps - now THATS harder, but even so, still easier to do the domestic chores than your partner who is out at work.

I think the person who has given the OP the hardest time is herself tbh. No one else has called her names, they have just politely pointed out that shes overdoing the 'woe is me SAHM' thing.

I do understand the frustration totally, I have days where I feel horrifically inefficient because the simplest things seem to take forever, because I am used to being at work and actually being able to complete a jobs list! But what I forget was that when I was at work I could get completely immersed and forget to do anything relating to home life, perhaps your DH is the same. We all forget the challenges of the other side when we're not there, but if you are really busy I'd try to go with the flow a little.

I was told by one poster I give sahm a bad name and by another I should be making a packed lunch for dh. Of course I understand that at a playgroup you chase a child around , it was more to illustrate he isn't at the art table stage , so I'm sitting and chatting. I'm spending 90 minutes alone but chasing.

As I have said I fully agree I should and find it easier generally to do the vast majority of the calls/ emails / paperwork needed for the house buying process.

However little things like dh scanning and emailing parts of the survey to estate agent to try and get reduction , have been done at work today , as I can't scan at home. I'm really not saying I'm hard done to , i was just surprised that the sahm tag means I should be taking care of not only ds but all dhs business too. Anyway dh has constructed an email at work and forwarded it to me to approve re reducing price so he must have paid some attention.

Remember he could have constructed the email last night but instead he played games on pc. So it was up to him to do it at work. He gets to work about 7.30 and leaves about 6 so always there extra as is. Also due to us relocating don't see why work would mind him doing a little bit at work.

Sounds like you are sorting it out.

I think ninkynonker sums it up well - it's so easy to forget the reality of the 'other side' when you're not doing it. Whenever SAHMs say things like 'goodness I want to go back to work for a rest!' its clear that they've forgotten the reality that going out to work means meeting deadlines, measuring up to all sorts of externally imposed standards, having to put on a smile and do the public face thing....

I have only ever been at home full time on maternity leaves, as I have always worked, but I would say make the most of your time at home, because the biggest difference is that however relentless, and repetitive it is, this is the one time in your life that youre NOT having to measure up to anyone's standards but your own. As long as your child is safe, fed, clothed and loved, honestly, no one gives a shit about whether your house is tidy, whether your child is in matching clothes or whatever.

A word of advice - if toddler groups are just a strain at the moment, because your child is just getting over stimulated and tearing up and down - then don't feel you have to go! I get the impression that one of the downsides of being a SAHM is perhaps that sometimes the mum feels enormous pressure to attend these groups, when in reality your child may be happier running up and down in the garden. Bundle him up in warm clothes and let him run where you can watch him easily, rather than worrying he will escape out of the back door at playgroup.

There will never be another stage in your life when you can just decide your own routine, choose whether to take your child to groups etc - before long he will be in school, you'll be back at work and you'll be wondering where the time went, so don't feel pressured into attending groups if it just makes life more stressful

Thank callmemrs, I try to go to the groups so I can talk to other Mums or I'm just on my own all week with ds and dh out of house nearly 12 hours a day . So it's a bit lonely if I don't get out. I stopped working late last year so I still remember the pressures of full time work. I suppose I should not complain its just hard with no friends/ family but then dh is in the same position too , just at work . He does actually get to talk to adults though. Sometimes I think I'm like a lonely old lady draining him by chatting when he gets in at night !

Well your subsequent posts have demonstrated that this isn't really all about your DH making a few more phone calls. This is about him being out of the house for 10-11 hours a day and you being a tired, stressed, pregnant mum of a toddler.

Unfortunately for lots of us that's life, and we just have to get on with it hence all the unsympathetic replies I imagine! It is hard and if you are far from friends and family, stuck at home and enduring the hell that is toddler groups on a regular basis it's enough to send anyone a bit bonkers.

It sounds to me like you're struggling to adapt to your new SAHM role - you have inferred that all the posters on here have said you're a lazy bugger who should be ironing your DHs slippers and meeting him at the door with a whisky but I haven't seen anyone say such things.

What most of us have said is that generally as a SAHM it falls to you to do the bulk of the scut work as you are at home and "free" to do it. I appreciate life is hectic for you with a one year old but essentially you can schedule your own day - if the floor doesn't get mopped today it can be done tomorrow for eg. That doesn't mean SAHMs are scum or lazy it just means your role has shifted now.

Anyway I hope you get it all sorted and your move goes well.

Oh I competely understand that feeling Sadie!

I took 6 months off with my second maternity leave, and towards the end of it, I was really 'feeding off' my DH for adult conversation. He actually told me one night that he found it quite draining that when he walked in the door from work, wanting to wind down and spend some time with the dc's, I was wanting sparkling wit and conversation, and was looking to him to provide that because I wasn't getting the intellectual stimulation from work. It's hard, because neither of you are doing anything wrong, it's just that you have every different daily routines, so you want different things in the evening.

I hope you get to meet some other mums you can click with. Toddler groups can be good, but sometimes the only thing you have in common is children. Give it time, all you need is one of two other mums you can really talk to and you'll feel less isolated

I said you give SAHM a bad name, because you're moaning about your lot (listing changing nappies, making milk, put DC to sleep etc.. as tasks). These are just things you do when you have a baby, like going to the toilet yourself or taking a shower? I don't view them the way you do.

Your day is the same as many other women around the country and you only have one child.

WOHM do what you do, and they work. I'm not trying to make you feel bad but I do think you need a bit of perspective.

You sound like you're fed up generally and personally it sound to me like you need more to do, focus your mind a bit.

I viewed buying and selling houses when I did as a project, it gave me something extra to do rather than just being a mum.

What can I say? Your day doesn't sound hard to me at all but everybody manages differently.

I also have no family and have just moved to a new area for DH work to, so FWIW I'm sympathetic to that part of it but it's all about attitude.

It seems to me that this is about more than a few phone calls isn't it?

I was told he shouldn't be buying a sandwich I should make him packed lunch and told I give sahm a bad name as I string out my day. Obviously not by everyone. I agree lots of people have a baby to look after while pregnant and have no friends / family near. I am not stressed out beyond the norm or not coping I just wanted dh to help a little with things that were better for him to do. The main feeling seemed to be that dh now he is married has me to sort all issues , especially now I'm not working. As I have said I am happy to take the brunt of it , I simply wanted some help with a couple of jobs. However I seem to have aroused some posters who probably insulated their lofts while in active labour so their dhs could read the Sunday papers or something .

Nobody on here call you a lazy cunt either, or even intimated it.
Just that you were perhaps making a mountain out of a molehill.

See Sadie, your last post at 10:16 isn't helping you.

You are belligerent and sound entitled.

If moan to your DH like this, he probably doesn't want to do what you have more time to do help you any way

Ah damnbamboo, of course I know the nappies and stuff go without saying I added that on later. Perhaps it is the sahm tag that is annoying you or others . I am not some middle class sahm who has a wealthy husband . When I worked my salarly was crap , so we decided I would have the children close together , then I would study and work , as I would have to pay for full time childcare so be working for nothing once travel added on. I'm certainly not living the dream , most of the women I know who work has family childcare and help with pick ups so financially makes sense for them.

I agree with the advice about seeing this house move as a project rather than just a chore.

Try to plan ahead a bit for making phone calls, and yes, see this as your responsibility as you are the one at home right now. Dont get in a stress about the actual removals bit. I agree that this will probably fall to you as well - it makes sense as you're at home to ring around, get quotes and then book them.

But I also agree that this is about a deeper issue than a few calls. You sound frustrated, and you need to talk to your DH about how to resolve this in the longer term. Are you planning to return to work? (It sounds as though you are in a new area, and therefore not returning to a previous job from Maternity leave, but there is absolutely no reason why you cant plan to get a new job)

For many people, being at home 24/7 isn't fulfilling, and they have a happier and more balanced life all round if they aren't. Particularly if it means their husband can be around more. The traditional model of the man working really long hours so that the woman can do all the home stuff just doesn;t appeal to all families - it's too much 'all or nothing' and they prefer to balance the roles more equally. There is nothing wrong with feeling like that, but you need to talk to your DH and come up with a plan. I have always much preferred having the balance of us both working, but not feeling overwhelmed by having to work stupid hours and never see the kids because one of us is sole earner. This may work for you too, and you may find you then have a far better understanding of eachothers lives

Damnbamboo no I dont moan to my dh , I had a meltdown then called them all myself, and then he found I was on the phone at the same time. I don't feel entitled to anything. I just wanted him to get on with bits as I am worried the baby will come early due to an issue I have that he is aware of , or could just be early anyway of course. I wouldn't be bothered of I wasn't 25 weeks pregnant, I wouldn't worry at all.

But sadie don't worry about the SAHM tag. I have 4 degrees and am currently a SAHM and it was a very very hard transition (although I will go back to work within the next year with any luck).

You know what your plans are, you know what you are capable of doing, you know where you'd like to end up.

The rest of the world and their opinions don't matter - they really don't

Cross posts there!

Sounds like this is the way you're thinking already.

Just remember that working isn't all about the financial thing. We had NO extra financial gain for at least two years when our children were both in childcare. The benefits were purely me getting out and progressing with my career, getting the social and intellectual stimulation, oh and continuing my pension payments. But absolutely NO financial gain on a monthly basis as all my earnings were wiped out by childcare. If you really feel you want a better balance, you'd consider that too. Don't put it off until you feel you'll be making a lot of money - I think many women fall into that trap and won't work because they don't want to spend all their income on childcare. If it will make your life happier then just go for it!