to want dh to do more re buying a house?

[SadieGeneration]

I'm pregnant with a toddler sahm. Dh works full time. We are buying a house , I arranged viewings , mortgage advice, called estate agents , arranged solicitor . I asked dh to arrange an electrician for a quote as some issues on survey he rang about 3 then gave up.

I joined a site and rang about 20 so we now have 2 quotes. I asked him to sort insurance a month ago , today our mortgage offer came but we still have no insurance. So I called myself he called at the same time from work .

So now it is getting sorted. He does have a busy job but finds time to pop to supermarket over road for sandwich , email other stuff etc. I just feel like he has no urgency and I'm into my last trimester now and want to move ASAP. I imagine I will be doing removals calls too. Should I be sorting it all as I am at home or aibu for even expecting dh to get involved? The insurance can be called over weekend / evening too.

callmemrs, yes once the next dc is born I will study and work part time if we can afford childcare but eventually I think ds gets free nursery. I imagine it will cost a lot for 2 and I don't think I will get help if I only work p time will I ? Hopefully we might move back to our original area so I would have some family childcare then.

Hmm... not sure I agree with your last point. It smacks of putting your life on hold until you 'might' move back nearer your family, who then 'might' provide some free childcare for you.

Too many ifs and buts and whatevers. You might not move back. You might move back and not find a decent job. You might find a decent job but family can't/don't want to look after your children for free at the times you need. Your family might get sick, frail, have other commitments.

Too many variables. This is YOUR life, your children are yours and your husband's. Dont make the mistake of marking time while waiting for life to rearrange itself to fit some preconceived idea of yours. Forge ahead with plans for studying and getting back into work, and take responsibility for your own childcare out of yours and your dhs earnings. That way YOU have control. The danger of thinking 'I'll wait til we move/family can do it' etc is that if things don't turn out like that, you'll forever be blaming other circumstances for whatever isnt happy in your life.

You sound a bit lonely and isolated. Turn things around and look at it another way. Living away from family puts the responsibility on you to create your own life opportunities. You can create the life you want without feeling you need other people to make it happen for you. And besides, all those people who seem to have it easy with free childcare have got their own issues.... grandparents who spoil the children, or don't do things the way the parents want, or secretly feel put-upon and exploited. Honestly, you need to stop thinking the grass is always greener. Take pride in the fact that you and your DH are independent adults!

I am lonely and isolated , I moved here while heavily pregnant and after 2 weeks dh was back at work and that was it on my own all week. I dont see how anyone else would feel different . I do plan do study and also learn to drive once the next one arrives. Dh has made 0 friends since moving , he wants to move back as he dislikes his job. The one that I gave up all my family and friends for when pregnant with dc! I do know a few women but obviously not close to talk to properly , just go swimming etc with babies. I do agree I feel my life is on hold but I don't want the years of having small children to be miserable but dh doesn't make any effort to make friends here and isn't keen if we get an invite out.

Right so actually there is a LOT more to this, and the phone calls about house buying are just the trigger.

I do feel for you, and I think if you'd been able to express it like this in your OP, people would have been more sympathetic.

However, I still think you need to focus on how your life is now. If your DH dislikes his job,TALK to him about what would improve things. He could apply for other similar jobs, take a new direction... all sorts of things. You both seem to be stuck in this mindset of wanting your lives to move backwards, and return to where you lived before etc. Thats a very negative and draining way to live, and you can bet that even if you did move back, something else might crop up which stops life being perfect. Your DH might find he hates his next job even more!

It sounds like you both need to force yourselves to get out. You are clearly getting invites, so its not as if other people arent making the effort with you; its that you and particularly your DH are not giving positive signals back. Join a club, book group, take up a sport, MAKE yourselves both do something which isn't focused on the children. And make time to go out together too. Find a local responsible older teenager who will babysit for you. They are usually very keen for a bit of extra money. Don't be one of those women who says 'oh we can't ever go out because we have no family to babysit'. I didn't either, I used a couple of local girls who were great, who I paid,and sometimes a neighbour whose children had grown up who offered out of kindness now and then. I made sure I didn't take advantage by asking often, but youd be surprised how many people out there will be willing to help.

It may be that you move back to where you came from - but you may stay where you are and you may move somewhere else. And thats OK! There isn't only one path life can take. But you need to live your life to the full whatever the situation.

Thanks for the reply, dh isn't a sociable person really. I have made some friends like I said but I miss my close friends. I don't know any teenagers who would look after ds and wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him with a stranger. I thought he would make friends at work as it is a large place but he chats at work I assume but never wants to socialise out of it. He would be happy on his laptop all weekend while I enjoy meeting friends, going for meals etc. This is probably highlighted more now we live away from home. I get the feeling my new friends , have their proper friends and I'm someone they take pity on as they know my situation.

When I move it's the next town so I will have to join new groups and start the process again and maybe have more luck . Most people seem to go to playgroup with a friend so it's difficult to get chatting so it's just me and ds usually.

Hang on - your DH hates his job and wants to move back to where you were before. Could that have anything to do with the fact he's dragging his heels on the house stuff?! I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk.

We have tried for most of the year to get a job and move back he has used lots of annual leave, money and done 400 mile round trips to attend interviews not to mention lying to work. He basically needs to pass certain exams as his experience doesn't match his qualifications. He has a good salarly here and needs the qualifications for a good salarly if he leaves his company . So we decided to stay while he does them but thought we would get back on the property ladder if staying for a while .We have talked about it in depth unlike the decision to move here, when I agreed asi thought that's what a wife should do. Seems wife and mother do not come natural to me!

damnbamboo, you are coming across as really bonkers on this topic. You can't count changing nappies and making up milk and getting your kids down to sleep as "tasks" because they're just what you have to do as a SAHM? Er, isn't that the point? The things that have to be done, aren't negotiable, and have to be done at certain times (notwithstanding the whole 'luxury of arranging your day', nappies do have to be changed when soiled, and children need to be fed when hungry), are exactly what defines the work of looking after children as, well, work.

Mind you I have been lazy today , we had breakfast on the sofa and still in pjs and I havent lifted a finger as he woke at 5 am so I'm knackered. Also feeling miserable that I'm a crap Mum and Wife and wonder if dh thinks this. He doesn't seem to acknowledge the fact that I'm pregnant and is permanently distant and distracted. I can only assume its work stressing him out, of course I am grateful to him for putting food on the table before anyone says otherwise but it certainly feels like work is his number one concern. It would be nice is he took ds out anywhere on his own but he never has in over a year. I expect people will think I don't deserve a break from ds though , but I think it would be good for the two of them without me there.

Sadie the whole of this thread is not really about the house purchase at all. Its about where you live, the fact you feel lonely, the fact your DH does not do his fair share / give you a break etc.

I can bleat on about how hard my life is: WOHM mum, 2 kids, long hours etc etc but its irrelevant and its not a competition.

DH is part SAHD part WAHD (both kids now in school from this year) and I would expect him to sort out most if not all of the house move stuff. However, I do the morning school run and I don't come in and sit down and leave him running around doing housework (and if he tries to sit down and leave it all to me I gently point out that is not an option either ). We both have a chance for a couple of hours by ourselves during the week or weekend whilst the other looks after the kids.

If you do nothing else, perhaps leave your DH in charge of your DS on the weekend whilst you go for a swim or to a cafe with a book. That way you get a break and he gets to understand what it is like to have sole responsibility for a toddler.

I don't know, people say I shouldn't expect anything of dh except work, which he does do very hard. Think I would just feel guilty leaving him with ds while I do my own thing. He isn't very patient with him and gets stressed when he makes a scene. So we end up doing very little on a weekend and I always feel on edge if we do go out. Dh makes sure everything is done in a rush so it's not really fun going for lunch or coffee etc. Dh won't want a couple of hours by himself to go out as he has no interest in doing anything. He is happy on his laptop while ds runs around.

Tortoise yes of course they have to be done and somebody has to be there to do them.

But the comment was made in terms of OP's time commitments.

Changing nappies is not a time-consuming onerous task is it? It takes seconds (unless DC has done a big pooh it might take a couple of minutes).

Lets say 6 nappies a day - that 15 whole minutes gone.

That's the point I was trying to make.

I probably spend longer than that weeing - I don't factor it in as part of my timesheet.

The point being is if you like at OP's breakdown of her day, there is a lot of spare time in there.

Anyway, it's moved on since then - there are clearly bigger issues here anyway.

OP, I hope you manage to have a frank and open discussion with DH. If you're both missing your old home/area/friends/jobs etc... then it's worth tabling a discussion I think.

I wasn't trying to bleat on about how hard my life is either. Im happy I have a beautiful son and my dh. I just wish I had that little bit of a friend you could just drop round and have coffee to chat to. Im probably paranoid but sometimes feel a bit weird always being on my own at every group I go to. Surely everyone's life is more complicated than one aibu thread too?

Jesus are we still going on about nappies? It seems you forget that I made two half hour calls to insurance companies with ds in the background and seem obsessed with me mentioning the obvious bits of childcare. As I said organising things , housework , shopping and looking after ds I'm still waiting for what else I should be doing as a sahm?

Oh I don't have a time sheet ! Should I have one? L

Tbh, if you are at home and you are of average intellect then why not just sort it all out yourself? It will be far easier for you to find the time to do everything than it will be for someone in full time employment. Any calls he needs to make himself (that you can't do for him) he should just fit in and get on with. I do pretty much everything in our marriage re paperwork/phonecalls for house/finance issues and don't have any problem with this at all. I am happy to leave dh to focus on bringing home the money.....

And there it is again, someone who won't believe that other people have different experiences.

I am a lawyer with a three year old, I work part time. It is easier for me to make those sorts of calls from work then it is from home. When I am on the phone at work I can usually also skim emails, sort through documents, check things, especially when on hold. It's very, very easy to go online and do a search on businesses. At home, there is someone wanting my attention, wanting to talk over me and drown me out, or trying to destroy things. And if I open the laptop while DD is around, she wants to look at photos or play typing, it's a shiny forbidden object she's very interested in.

I am at such a loss to understand why this is an unusual experience! I have a decently behaved child, a well run house, and a busy job. It's easier to do the things the OP is talking about from work.

I am sorting it all out myself I just wanted him to do the insurance call as it would have been easier as he was an existing customer. He also had to get involved for the life insurance aspect as they run through medical questions on the phone . He will also have to attend the solicitors to sign papers. Also take a day off to move as it will be too much for me alone although I imagine I should be doing all that too.

Sadie i wasn't suggesting you were bleating on. I'm saying that I could do a "woe is me, my life is much harder than yours post" but it wouldn't help you at all. Partly, because I don't think you are complaining about how much you have to do but really just reflecting that you feel lonely and unsupported and that is hard to cope with.

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect your DH to be more supportive in general rather than focussing on this one issue.

Sadie I didn't bring the nappies up, Tortoise did. I was responding to her.
No of course you don't need a timesheet and yes of course you were doing other things.

Ha, Sadie, I knew this bloke who ran a law practice and who did, in fact, try and insist that his SAHW kept a timesheet so "he and she could go through it and identify where she could be more efficient".

At the time, he was paraplegic, so worked from home, and she acted as his full-time physical carer as well as a SAHW and mother of teenagers. He got short shrift.

Thanks tortoise , yes dh has a professional management job , he is able to do calls , emails at work eg he emailed Amazon to see where something he ordered for himself is. Every workplace is different . In my old job there were no personal calls/ emails , it's depends on the job.

Yup, nappy thing totally my fault. Sorry!

I'm doing nowt today that's for sure. I will do done online Christmas shopping for dhs relatives will redeem myself !

In your opinion Tortoise.

Except at work, you're meant to be working.

I have a laptop out most days although not often in use (day off today, kids at a friends ). My DS's don't badger me for it. You just need to have a bit of forward planning on doing admin from home but it can be done.
If they're too young to understand basic instructions, they're probably still napping. If they do understand basic instructions, you can put a DVD or the TV on whilst you get stuff done

Having worked full-time, part-time, been at home with and without kids, the easiest of those would be at home without kids (probably fairly rare). But in terms of free-time, being a SAHM IMO ranks second