to want dh to do more re buying a house?

[SadieGeneration]

I'm pregnant with a toddler sahm. Dh works full time. We are buying a house , I arranged viewings , mortgage advice, called estate agents , arranged solicitor . I asked dh to arrange an electrician for a quote as some issues on survey he rang about 3 then gave up.

I joined a site and rang about 20 so we now have 2 quotes. I asked him to sort insurance a month ago , today our mortgage offer came but we still have no insurance. So I called myself he called at the same time from work .

So now it is getting sorted. He does have a busy job but finds time to pop to supermarket over road for sandwich , email other stuff etc. I just feel like he has no urgency and I'm into my last trimester now and want to move ASAP. I imagine I will be doing removals calls too. Should I be sorting it all as I am at home or aibu for even expecting dh to get involved? The insurance can be called over weekend / evening too.

Anyway, everybody is different and Sadie after getting more info from you after your OP, I agreed that given the circumstances, he should have made some calls. Have already said that.

Damnbamboo - I agree, its not helpful for people to come on here saying 'oh I can make personal phone calls, emails, etc etc while working'. Not everyone can! I can think of all sorts of jobs, from surgeon to bus driver to teacher to shop worker where you just CAN'T. Whereas if you are at home, your time is at your disposal. Yes, you may have someone tugging at your trouser leg as you type, but you can still do it!! It's like those women who can't seem to cope with putting on a load of washing or mopping the floor while also supervising a toddler or two. Come on, its not rocket science!

I also agree with your last paragraph - the occasions I have been home without children can probably be counted on one hand, because whenever they were at nursery and later, school, I was at work, but yes, being at home without children is without a doubt the easiest scenario, being at home with children ranks second, and being at home ranks hardest in terms of getting stuff done.

I think the OP has shifted a lot from the earlier posts and sounds more miserable and generally isolated than feeling a sense of entitlement. I really think you need to crack the babysitting thing OP. Everyone is a stranger until you get to know them! I didn't know any local teenagers until I sought them out (advert in local shop) met them, talked to them, invited them round for a cuppa so they got to know my kids. Once you do that, you'll feel perfectly comfortable having an evening out. And you know what? - you NEED it. Book a night out before the new baby arrives. Talk to your dh. Tell him you're bored and isolated. Tell him you want to start socialising at weekends. Tell him you want him to take his son out next weekend to the park on his own. You dont need to be living like this, feeling miserable - but its down to you to change it

If they're too young to understand basic instructions, they're probably still napping. If they do understand basic instructions, you can put a DVD or the TV on whilst you get stuff done

Ok ds has just ripped the sky box off the tv stand for the 10th time of the day , I shout no and place it back and remove him. 2 minutes ago he got tangled in the floor length vertical blinds on the double doors , he pulls the table over and throws the phone and modem off the sofa. I can't move them any further I can't keep them on the table as he turns it over . He is 12 months but very physically active but with no understanding of any instructions . I assume that's normal , a lot of my friends babies are still not walking at this age. Eventually his brain will catch up with his body but I really can't leave him in front of the tv yet honest !

Does he not nap Sadie

I've worked full-time since having my DTs, though when they were young this involved working 3 days at home. What basically happened was that I spent the time they were awake doing things with them and catching up with housework and had to do anything work-related and make phonecalls during naps or after they were in bed. (Consequently I coped with very little sleep to stay on top of things, but that's another story). It's not about the amount of time the OP has, it's about whether or not that time is available in a chunk long enough and free of interruptions enough for her to do the task at hand, and I expect that with a toddler it isn't. I don't think it is at all unreasonable of the OP to say that her ability to make phonecalls is no greater than her DHs. His is hampered by work but hers is hampered by a child.

I don't want to get into the ins and out of what else is going on in this relationship, but if the basic premise is he works/she does everything else, why doesn't he fork out for a few hours of childcare to allow the OP to handle all the phonecalls and chasing up of solicitors, etc. No one would expect a secretary to be able to do all this with a toddler in the background.

Yes of course he naps , an hour or so per day usually in the late afternoon when he collapses , when he wakes up he is always really grumpy for some reason . He will nap in the morning in the buggy sometimes if I am out. He doesn't seem to sleep as much as babies the same age I think. Should I be laying the patio during nap time? Oh he only sleeps in his playpen by getting more and more sleepy or in my arms. If I pop him in his cot in the day he stands and rattles the sides , I have tried believe me.

Yes Sadie you should be laying the patio during naptime. Cooking dinner and cutting the grass too.

You should also be getting an attitude adjustment whilst you're at it.

You sound unpleasant, defensive and disorganised.

Good luck, you clearly need it!

callmemrs , thanks for your positive help but I know dh would not be ok with ds getting look after by a teenager found from a shop ad. He will say he isn't bothered about going out. I'm not that miserable , I just miss my old life sometimes and wish I could be like dh and not need any friends or interests , so I feel guilty when I do see my old friends . I try and encourage him to do the same but he isn't bothered,

Damnbamboo , why else were you asking does he nap? So you could tell me to use that time to make calls , or were you going suggest I had a cuppa and put my feet up?

How am I disorganised ? How has anything in this thread led to me being disorganised? The whole point is I have organised everything!

Amazingly, you've find time for the best part of 20 posts (give or take) on this thread alone

Busy then? Should your posting on MN trump your DH lunch hour then?

Anyway, you have your opinions, and northernlurker summarised it well a few pages ago. I'm off, got three kids to watch (am by myself until late Sunday night), dinner to cook and other things to do and guess what, I'm not going to bemoan my lot. Do I want a medal? No. It's called life.

No, was going to tell you to use the time to make your calls. It's what most busy mums with no time to do, would do.
You can sit down and do that and have a cup of tea. Imagine!
Talking on the phone is hardly an onerous task.

I don't want a medal no, yes I know it's life . I'm getting on with it by sorting it all out myself . I said I have done nothing today, I'm n

ot denying it. All I wanted to know was if dh having a month to make a phone call and not managing it was something to bother about. Like I said I did it myself anyway. Most of the calls don't coincide with naptime people call me too. Or ds wakes up crying and I have to leave the room it's not ideal but I do it. Like I said It was one call I asked him to do.

There is no need for all this unpleasantness.

OP - do you have a play-pen? That could help (though only as a quick fix, and not as a long-term solution).

As a single parent, I HAD to have a safe place to leave mine while I did things that couldn't be done with a baby/toddler in tow. I went one-step further further than a play-pen and completely baby-proofed an entire room - corner protectors on furniture, all electrical equipment/nicknacks out of reach, all cables tacked to the wall, etc. It meant that if I HAD to do something that necessitated peace-and-quiet/no child around, such as phonecalls, I could leave them in that room while I got on with it. It's still stressful though, and only really works when there is no other option. When I was buying my house (DTs were 6 months old) I made all my calls/emails from work by doing them in my lunch hour. That was much easier than attempting to do it at home.

If it was so easy to do things like this with small children in tow, more people would work from home. Whereas the truth is many women try it, believing it will save on childcare and combine the best of both worlds, only to discover, like me, that it is actually really, really hard. Most people don't work from home for very long unless they can cram their hours into nap times/evenings. Most women end up ultimately paying for childcare.

I think you're getting an unwarranted hard time OP. I get you, and for the most part I agree. x

So the DH here who is sitting next to the phone in a senior manager. In my most similar jobs unless he is in a meeting he'll have plenty of time to make calls etc. no distractions like small children do it will take him much less time. Do you really think most managers have no time to themselves all day. Not talking supervisors, managers on shop floor or public facing but managers who have a certain amount of 'slack' built in.

In most

OP Ignore the baying mob. YANBU

"callmemrs , thanks for your positive help but I know dh would not be ok with ds getting look after by a teenager found from a shop ad."

Good god, you make it sound like its equivalent to dragging some hooded, glue sniffing reprobate off the streets!!

Look - I have tried to be sympathetic but I don't have much truck with this 'woe is me, no family living along the road, how can I possibly ever get a job/ go out for dinner/ have a bath in peace?'

MANY of us have been where you are: not working, whether its full time SAHM or maternity leave, couple of toddlers already, pregnant with another baby, new city, no ready made network of friends.

YOU are the only person who can change things. If you put an advert for a babysitter in the shop, you obviously won't employ anyone you're not happy with. But you'll invite them over, spend time with them, let your kids get to know them..... Everyone is a stranger until you meet them. A night out with your DH is exactly what you need, rather than sitting at home feeling resentful.

And I also agree that for someone who claims to never have a second to herself, you are managing to write an awful lot of coherent posts! I am on leave at the moment; believe me on a working day I would not have had time to post. Yet you are sitting there posting while criticising your working husband for not making phone calls.

I do feel sorry for the fact that you're miserable, but the solution is in your hands OP. Stop looking for barriers and get on with living

sunshineandbooks yes I have a playpen that I pop him in when I go for a shower but he cries in it after 5 mins , so have to be quick . If he is sleepy he will roll around in it and eventually fall asleep after much cuddling his blanky. He is very active and gets cross at being put in buggy/ playpen or sitting on lap. He fights to be allowed on the floor.

hellinahandcart thanks yes he does have the ability to call uninterrupted unlike me. I did say now I have sorted most bits out could he do a couple of things and he did agree, he just didn't get around to it. He has now though so I can't complain.

callmemrs I did say I haven't done worthwhile earlier today. I'm not denying it, but today isn't usual . I honestly know dh won't go for the teenage babysitter option , I can't say any more than that also if I said someone is coming round later for you to get to know , so we can have a babysitter , it really world not go down well. I don't expect anyone else to look after ds anyway, surely that's the least I can do as a sahm . If I wanted nights out I wouldn't have moved here and had a child.

Hi op. I think you've been given some really good advice particularly from callmemrs and I understand where you're coming from in terms of getting your husband to sort stuff out for your new house.

But I think you need to consider your long term situation. Are you going to spend the next x amount of years not going out because your husband wouldn't want a babysitter? It's your life too, you've moved away from your support network for his work and you need to build a new one. I'm on mat leave and all my friends work. It's been nearly 2 weeks and already I'm going mad on my own! So I can't imagine how you're feeling.

I know women close to me that give up on having a social life/ career because they have kids or because their husband doesn't like going out or whatever. It just makes them resentful but they end up doing what they want eventually and the sky doesn't fall in :) Try and put yourself first this weekend. Your husband should be able to look after your child and if he can hold down a managerial job I'm sure he can figure things out if he's not sure what to do. Or decide to be a martyr gracefully. It's a choice only you can make. Good luck :)

callmemrs it's not a question of no family down the road , its a 3.5/4 hour journey. I think I might have to labour alone as i don't have anyone to help if in middle of night and my first was recorded as a 6 hour labour although my waters went a day before so did get notice. I expect lots of people have a baby alone too , I don't know but I like the idea of dh being there, my mil will come down but she might not get here in time. So the least I wanted was to be settled and organised in our new home before dc2 arrives. Someone dh works with offered to help but she will need to work herself so if not then I will just have to do it alone.

handbagcrab I would love to go out in the evenings but I dont fancy going out alone, I dont think I would feel comfortable. The few women that I do know seem to view me as a baby friend, so fine for soft play etc, but not for doing evening stuff with, that seems to be reserved for their closer older friends which is fair enough. If I had someone who wanted to go out in the evening I would be there like a shot! Maybe I do sound like a matyr? I hope not. Im sure if I was dh I would have done some stuff out of work or invited a work colleague around for drinks/dinner with their partner/children but he isnt like that. So its hard to convert my baby friends into evening friends as most of them are back working so too busy now and others who are sahm only want to meet in the day with me.