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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of those who "married well"

139 replies

DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 15:58

Off the back of another thread.

I adore my DP and wouldn't swap him but he isn't ambitious and is not in a well paid or progressive career - I encourage him all I can and am blue in the face from suggesting ways to help him find "his path". I am the main earner and would love to retrain, or just not have the enormous pressure of making sure I keep my job so we keep a roof over our heads.

I do get jealous of those who have high earning partners and have the luxury of retraining etc. (like one of my closest friends). AIBU?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/11/2011 16:02

Yes!! But there is still time yet!

worraliberty · 09/11/2011 16:03

I hate the expression "Marry Well"

Imo you only 'marry well' if you marry a decent individual with decent values in life.

You could end up marrying a wealthy career driven person but end up with a total fuckwit.

ElizabethPonsonby · 09/11/2011 16:04

My old boss was a high earner, the hours he used to have to put in, the stress he used deal with was unbelievable. I'd much rather have my dp, who may not earn a fortune (is on par with me) but is home everynight for dinner, can do childcare etc.

I fell into my job, i could do better, but i don't want the added stress and there is nothing wrong with that. As long as all the bills are paid etc etc etc...

EdithWeston · 09/11/2011 16:05

Marriage is a decision for both heart and head.

But despite that, YABU - comparisons are odious, and your material circumstances are not immutable.

ElizabethPonsonby · 09/11/2011 16:06

oh, yes i forgot...Dp is also happy doing his job, that's a big part of it too Wink

Pagwatch · 09/11/2011 16:07

I hate the expression 'married well' too.
It sounds calculating.

Dh did not have a bean when I married him. I was the main earner, he was just 21. Life seldom works out as you think.

SwearyMary · 09/11/2011 16:07

YABU.

A person that lacks ambition is hardly going to suddenly spring up and become Mr Driven Ambition. Be thankful you have an income, a roof over your head and that you are both able to work.

Bonsoir · 09/11/2011 16:10

I don't think there is anything wrong in being calculating when choosing your life partner. However, it is important to remember that you will need to give as much as you receive Smile

BonnyBanks · 09/11/2011 16:21

YABU I consider that I 'married well' because I married a kind, intelligent, funny, hardworking man (also gorgeous!) who loves me and our children with all his heart. We are comfortably off but I have friends with considerably bigger incomes whose lives I would not want because their DPs/DHs are just not a patch on my beloved. No amount of money would make me exchange what we have for a bigger bank balance.

I'm not sure how seriously you meant your thread to be taken OP but I'm a great believer in counting your blessings. There are lots of women on MN with partners who range from useless and feckless to truely terrifying. Everytime I read one of those kind of posts my heart breaks for the poster and I appreciate my DH even more.

nickelbabe · 09/11/2011 16:22

I would sooner "marry poor" than "marry well" and be miserable.

PurpleWithaBlueBun · 09/11/2011 16:23

I married well, a man I adore who adores me, treats me well and is faithful. We can afford to have the heating on and pay our bills. What more could I want?

NinkyNonker · 09/11/2011 16:26

My DH married very well when he married me. As did I.

NoSeriously · 09/11/2011 16:26

YABU, money takes time energy and often at the expense of those closest to you.

If your dp worked 60 hour weeks when would you have time to retrain?

Ephiny · 09/11/2011 16:27

It does sound calculating if you mean marrying someone just or mostly so you can benefit from their money or earning potential. But it makes sense to choose someone with compatible or complimentary values and personality, who wants the same lifestyle you do. If that means an ambitious, high-earning type, then there's nothing wrong with preferring someone like that.

I don't think there's ever much point comparing yourself with others though. There are probably things about your life and marriage that other people would envy, and you rarely know the full picture of what someone else's life is like.

handbagCrab · 09/11/2011 16:27

Op, you obviously saw good qualities in the man you married so you have already married well :)

I think from your post you want him to earn more money in order for you to retrain? Have you talked or thought about ways you could do this that don't require getting hitched to a young Sir Alan?

I too want to retrain and would love some ideas as to how to find the money and time as well :)

tooearlymustdache · 09/11/2011 16:27

Marry well?

reelingintheyears · 09/11/2011 16:29

You must have known he wasn't particularly ambitious when you married him...so why would you want to change him now.

Yes YABU.

CailinDana · 09/11/2011 16:29

I hope your DP doesn't sense that you wish him to be different, how sad for him if he does :(

Proudnscary · 09/11/2011 16:29

Why not 'career well' rather than 'marry well'. That's what I did.

FredFredGeorge · 09/11/2011 16:30

I encourage him all I can and am blue in the face from suggesting ways to help him find "his path".

YABU, if this was important to you, you shouldn't've married the guy, if he's happy, nagging him isn't going to do any good, sure you have the pressure of providing which may not feel too good. But unless he was on some path that you found so ideal and changed to become a lazy bum unambitious guy, then YABU to complain about it.

AngryFeet · 09/11/2011 16:30

Some of my friends say to me they are jealous that I am married to someone who is so ambitious and driven and who earns well. But when we got together he was in a rubbish job, earning pittance and was £35k in debt. Over 10 years he has changed careers and worked hard and become very successful. I am very proud of him.

But I married him because I love him and he is my best friend and partner in life. I would still love him if he was in that same crappy job. Besides why does it have to be his responsibility to 'provide' for us all? I also work and earn pretty good money. Being comfortable is important to us so we both work hard to achieve that. But it is just a bonus really. I was just as happy in our relationship when we were struggling to get by and had to live in a crappy one bedroom flat with 2 kids.

gateacre1 · 09/11/2011 16:30

There is a price to pay for everything

I truly believe that there is always a compromise

my dp earns more than I do, but I never see him, he misses out on the kids lives and doesnt know them that well.

hope you find a way to work it out, especially if you want to retrain. Good Luck !

AVoidkaTheKillerZombies · 09/11/2011 16:31

Are we in the 1920's, or an episode of Downton?

HazleNutt · 09/11/2011 16:32

I married well, DH is lovely and very supportive of my career that keeps the roof over our heads.

Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:32

Mixed response! I was expecting to be told IABU really. If I was interested only in money I'd have found me a rich, ambitious DP.

Comparisons may be odious but are inevitable, I do try not to compare but when I am longingly wanting to retrain and I can't and my friend was fortunate enough to I tend to. It is true I don't know the ins and outs of everyone's lives too.

I shall have to find a different way for this to happen!

OP posts: