To be jealous of those who "married well"

[DoesNotGiveAFig]

Off the back of another thread.

I adore my DP and wouldn't swap him but he isn't ambitious and is not in a well paid or progressive career - I encourage him all I can and am blue in the face from suggesting ways to help him find "his path". I am the main earner and would love to retrain, or just not have the enormous pressure of making sure I keep my job so we keep a roof over our heads.

I do get jealous of those who have high earning partners and have the luxury of retraining etc. (like one of my closest friends). AIBU?

Just leaving aside the "marrying well" phrase that has caused so much consternation - I think we're talking about two types of partner here, not two.

A - those who are unambitious, happy to scrape along earning little or nothing, or don't earn much because they are focused on being a writer or whatever - meaning you either have to be poor or be a breadwinner.

B - those who work and earn a reasonable or comfortable amount, meaning although you may work, you can retrain, go part-time when you have kids, etc.

c- Mr Megabucks who will keep you in porsches and prada and a massive mansion.

Now plenty of people have A, love A and are happy with A. But wishing you had B doesn't mean you are a shallow gold-digger who really wants C.

PS I also think it would be perfectly reasonable for a man to feel pressured/envious in the same situation, if he would like to retrain or whatever but can't because he's being relied on as the main breadwinner. Yes he may have to suck it up but he may also be entitled to a moan, as the OP is.

Bah! THREE types of partner, not two.

What Worra said in post 2.

If women have to marry somebody with money and ambition then there's something very lacking in their own abilities. It's ridiculous in this day and age for a woman to think that she should essentially be 'kept'.

WTF?
Am in in some 50's throwback forum?
Marrying well.

YANBU

I married VERY well. DH's family are the most wonderful people. He's a incredible dad, a good friend, a loving husband, a kind and caring brother and son. He can do DIY (ok - he doesn't do it often, but when he does it's brilliant), AND cook better than me. And iron. And he's funny. And has a lovely bum.

The fact that he earns a good salary is at the bottom of my list of things I value about him.

It is interesting that a man in the same position would probably think 'I wish I earned more so I could do x/y/z', whereas some women instead think 'I wish my husband earned more'.

I do get the point that your partner's income matters as it affects your total household/family income and that affects some of the choices you can make. And there's nothing wrong with wishing you had more money as a household! Still it's odd that the 'marrying well' thing still feels very gendered to most of us. It's hard to imagine this thread the other way round.

Your post is really interesting, Ladyword.

I spent University going out with lots of random men, usually consecutively but switching completely at random between your type a (not very ambitious musicians, actors and writers who were all a bit flaky) or type cs who were all pretty obnoxious but fun while you could ignore the obnoxiousness.

When I met my now DH, he was a straight down the line type B. He wanted to be as secure as possible financially to cope with life changes but not into big spending at all.

Op: I sympathise with the idea although not with the phrasing. I hope you get somewhere with some of the useful links people have posted on this thread.

My DP is definitely a type B as well. Which suits me fine actually. I'd find type A a bit annoying probably, but while the attractions of type C are obvious, I think I'd feel quite uncomfortable in that situation! Would rather have an equal, hard-working, like-minded partner really. Which I'm lucky enough to have, of course :)

My DH married well - when we met he was on about 10,000 and I was on 100,000. I had peaked; he was just starting but I was able to support his early days. Allowing for inflation it's all in reverse now. I do want to disagree with one point though - not all type c's, are showy spendthrifts -DH has an electric car to avoid the congestion charge! Quietly pairs DH's socks with holes in because "they will do one more wear" and has an old envelope to hand for tomorrow's shopping list.

Type B here too. But you never know when we could go either way!

Be careful what you wish for.

I married well, but late at night the big old house gets lonesome
although, to be fair, every port of refuge has it's own price
and it breaks my heart to think that my love is only
given to a man with hands as cold as ice

I sort of know what you mean, OP.

It really irritates me when I see certain women held up in the media as super high- flyers because they have been successful with some usually semi- creative lifestyle type business.

They always sound impressive until you get to the line that says 'her husband, a hedge fund manager...' and you realise who bankrolled the start up. The rest of us quite literally can't afford to take those kind of risks.

I know it's not constructive to be envious, but surely, it's natural.

I married well. We met at Uni and married after he finished at RMAS. He makes me laugh, is a loving husband and father, is fit and handsome and is ambitious and successful in his chosen career. To someone looking at us, it might appear that he takes me for granted while he furthers his career but he frequently acknowledges that the work I do in raising the children and running the home allows him to do so well.

We're not loaded but he earns a fair amount and we have a very nice life. However, he's in the Army with all the separation and worry that entails. Mind you, he's a dish in uniform!

I'm proud of him and what he does and I wouldn't swap him for anyone.

My DH laughs as before he asked me out I had turned down another guy we both worked with. Turned out the other guy's family have a surname that is recognisable (cinemas and squares in central London named after them) he would buy and sell flats in his lunch hour. Sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if Id married him...I am a crap golddigger obviously. But no way wouldnt swap DH for anything he is my soul mate and combines being a great dad with being ambitious and successful but not at any cost.