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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be jealous of those who "married well"

139 replies

DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 15:58

Off the back of another thread.

I adore my DP and wouldn't swap him but he isn't ambitious and is not in a well paid or progressive career - I encourage him all I can and am blue in the face from suggesting ways to help him find "his path". I am the main earner and would love to retrain, or just not have the enormous pressure of making sure I keep my job so we keep a roof over our heads.

I do get jealous of those who have high earning partners and have the luxury of retraining etc. (like one of my closest friends). AIBU?

OP posts:

Towndon · 09/11/2011 20:02

YABU. If he's not naturally an ambitious person, you shouldn't try to change him as it will only bring unhappiness.

Ilovedaintynuts · 09/11/2011 20:05

I think most of you are just being really arsey and completely understand what the OP is saying.

I get what you mean OP.

I love my DH, he is a great husband and father. He has a relatively OK job bringing in an average wage but with 3 DC's and where we live I have to work to.

Before I met DH I was a single mum with a DS, as was my friend, her DD is in my DS's class. In the same month seven years ago we both met our now DH's. Both met in pubs during the summer, whirlwind marriage etc.

But our lives are completely different now. We both have since had two more children. But, she lives a life of luxury compared to me.

They have a huge, paid for house, 3 holidays a year, her children will go to private school, she doesn't work (her choice). They have loads of money.

My life is about juggling childcare, struggling to pay bills, never see each other because of work schedules etc. I wonder if the stress will eventually destroy us, the pressure we are under.

I think we are both happy with the men we married, I wouldn't want hers and I'm sure she wouldn't want mine.

But our lives are poles apart purely because of the jobs our husbands do.

I can't help think when I look at my daughters....I hope you marry well........

SoupDragon · 09/11/2011 20:07

I "married well" from a financial point of view. He still turned out to be a wanker though.

EverybodysScaryEyed · 09/11/2011 20:12

My husband is very ambitious and very successful. But the flip side is that he works very long hours and can get very stressed.

We met at uni and I knew what he would be like - he can't help it as he is very hardworking and ambitious with it.

I'm very proud of him and we have a comfortable life. Luckily I am not as ambitious - I have a good job but I voluntarily went part time when I had the kids and I love the time I have with them.

Downside is that I do a lot of these things on my own and I do sometimes feel that I am on my own with the kids.

LaDolcheRyvita · 09/11/2011 20:16

You cannot change a person's basic "ness" !

I married well, the second time around. This man is handsome, charming, has a wicked, sparkling wit, absolutely adores me and is sexy. He smells of expensive cologne and good coffee.... I noticed that about him from the start. We're comfortable. I have no huge ambition for a fancy lifestyle.

And I feel smug..... He was married before me to a woman who described him as "second best" to her married lover. I met him years after and thought him to be "the real deal", something special.

He is. And he's married to me now !!

Trills · 09/11/2011 20:26

YANBU to envy those who married well if by "married well" you mean theyartied married someone who they love and respect SMS enjoy spending time with and with whom they work well as a team.

Proudnscary · 09/11/2011 20:34

The red mist has ascended Doesnotgiveafig.

It touched a feminist nerve with me. I do have a feminist nerve or two knocking about from the 80s.

YN being that U, but still think twas a bit of a twitty OP!

freedom2011 · 09/11/2011 20:42

I am retraining at the moment - because I saved enough money whilst working to be able to afford to do it and still contribute at the same level to the household whilst not having an income. It took a really long time to save up and I appreciate I am really lucky to have been able to do this but I think wishing your partner would pay for you to retrain is maybe a bit unreasonable. You have to take charge of your own career not wait for someone else to fund it for you.

freedom2011 · 09/11/2011 20:50

OP - that was meant to be encouraging - like you can do it. It might take time but you can make it happen yourself.

ReindeerBollocks · 09/11/2011 20:56

I have been told by a friend that I married well as DH is a professional who is potentially going to earn good money. Except that to do so I have to be prepared to have him leave at any time day or night and he is never able to be reliable childcare (which is a PITA while I undertake my studies).

Personally I'd call it an equal partnership - DH couldn't do this if I wasn't able to be available to care for the children.

Ilanthe · 09/11/2011 20:57

Although the idea of 'marrying well' grates on my feminist ideals, I do get where you're coming from OP.

I am the driven and ambitious one in our marriage. DH bumbles along, earning a decent but not massive wage (more than me, but I have working in the public sector, being female and being younger than him holding me back) but not having to work all the hours god sends and being very happy to be where he is and a massively hands on dad.

That's why I married well. If DH wasn't like that and I was forced to give up work or severely reduce my hours to fill in the childcare he provides, I'd be frustrated in my ambitions.

So marrying well, to me, is marrying someone whose lifestyle is compatible with your own, whether that is the same outlook, or a complementary one.

Trills · 09/11/2011 22:13

So marrying well, to me, is marrying someone whose lifestyle is compatible with your own, whether that is the same outlook, or a complementary one.

Exactamundo.

If you married poorly it's most likely down to attitudes, not simply income.

Ellefabulosa · 09/11/2011 22:23

What others have said. My set up is the same as yours but I often find myself thinking what a lucky so and so I am to have found a man; not just any man but a fantastic father who adores me and our daughter; who supports me emotionally and does more than his fair share round the house - I couldn't ask for anything more.

Towndon · 09/11/2011 22:24

Why not just be pleased that your husband has "married well" in terms of you earning more? :o

CheerfulYank · 09/11/2011 22:34

I married very well indeed in that I married the love of my life. :)

We're poor as church mice most of the time, but God I adore that man. He's a terrific father, clever and funny, knows when to leave well enough alone, and is filth in the sack. What more am I supposed to want? :o

itsalladirtylie · 09/11/2011 22:38

given the choice I'd prefer to be the higher earner..cant beat economic power

madmomma · 09/11/2011 23:06

YANBU in my opinion, and I don't care how sexist/old fashioned that makes me. To me, part of being a good husband and father is to be a good provider.

madmomma · 09/11/2011 23:09

at CheerfulYank's husband being filth in the sack. That's a good substitute for ambition ;)

Bellavita · 09/11/2011 23:11

I was working when I met DH, he wasn't. He struggled to get a job after leaving Uni. I clothed him and paid for nights out etc.

He now keeps me in diamonds and wonderful holidays...(we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary next year).

Takeresponsibility · 09/11/2011 23:18

I didn't marry well, but I did marry often - does that count?

maighdlin · 09/11/2011 23:20

YANBU my DH doesn't earn much has been in his job for nine years and has zero prospects. however he does not earn enough to keep us in our modest run down with damp house without eating value beans and bread forever. i tried to get him to look at other options, OU study for example to get a better job but frankly he couldn't give less of a fuck that our mortgage is paid. so atm I'm studying full time with a 2 year old who does goes to nursery but i still do the sick days hospital appointments (a lot of them) etc and work 20 hours a week on top of that. I'm at uni because there is no chance in hell he would do anything mildly inconveniencing to help our finances. I study during the day and go to work 5-9pm mon-fri. its fucking exhausting. now because i'm doing this he is even less inclined to do anything himself because i'm going to get a good job so why would he bother? i know its because i grew up wealthy and he didn't. i was used to a certain standard of living and he's not so he's not even bothered by our lack of money. when we got together i wanted us to do it all on our own and i don't mind being poor at the minute if i know its not forever, but it would be forever if i relied on DH. The worst thing about it is that he's not even happy in his job, but won't do anything about it. if he was happy in a job then i don't think it would annoy me so much. i love my DH dearly but this is a big thing with me, i still married him and had dd with him but i do wish he even had a slight bit of ambition. i'm just so tired at the minute trying to do well at uni and work and do all the other stuff (plus liver fucked which is exhausting me physically as well) and i do just feel like shouting at him to get off his ass put the xbox controller down and help me keep a fucking roof over our heads and food on the table!! i don't even want my "old" lifestyle any more but to be comfortable in a house without damp and not worrying if i have enough money to pay the bills this month, without me working 50+ hours a week and him 35. i wouldn't ever pick a rich person over DH (no matter how tempting it would be) but i can't help but get annoyed at times with him and his lack of ambition.

marriedinwhite · 09/11/2011 23:21

Well mine came in so grumpy and so miserable tonight that he has made me grumpy and miserable and I don't want to go to bed and lie next to him. Huh! He can stuff his money, I want some cheerfulness!

CheerfulYank · 09/11/2011 23:24

DH is ambitious in his way. And he's very clever and went to school for a long time so he has debts. And I wanted to be home with DS at least part time, so I don't make much either.

CheerfulYank · 09/11/2011 23:25

:o MadMomma ...it's good substitute for lots of things.

eminencegrise · 09/11/2011 23:26

YANBU

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