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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of those who "married well"

139 replies

DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 15:58

Off the back of another thread.

I adore my DP and wouldn't swap him but he isn't ambitious and is not in a well paid or progressive career - I encourage him all I can and am blue in the face from suggesting ways to help him find "his path". I am the main earner and would love to retrain, or just not have the enormous pressure of making sure I keep my job so we keep a roof over our heads.

I do get jealous of those who have high earning partners and have the luxury of retraining etc. (like one of my closest friends). AIBU?

OP posts:
HappyCamel · 09/11/2011 16:33

Reminds me of the Submarine Museum in Portsmouth (bear with me)...

we went there this Summer and one of the information boards extolled the life of one of the Admirals. It said "his two sons followed him in to the Navy and his daughters married well". I nearly exploded. I can't believe that writing like that is still on display. I covered DD's (3mo) eyes and muttered at (my very understanding) DH for days.

Oh and yes, a DH with a high income can be nice but given the choice of time or money then its a pretty low threshold at which I'd rather have his time but we don't have a choice.

Proudnscary · 09/11/2011 16:34

I too am the main earner, but why the fuck shouldn't I be? And why should my fab but lesser earning dh make more money so I can retrain?!

FFS

This actually makes me Angry

sunshineandbooks · 09/11/2011 16:35

I think it's entirely natural to feel envious about those who have had better luck in life. It's only a problem if you dwell on it and allow yourself to feel bitter and hard-done-by.

Do you have DC? Who is the main carer for them and are you paying lots in childcare? Do you own or rent a house? Depending on the answers to those questions, it may still be possible to retrain, though it may require downsizing and/or taking out a loan. I am currently reduced to feeding three of us on £120 a month because I am racking up huge childcare costs while I retrain. I consider it short-term pain for long-term gain and an investment in my future.

It's unfair to criticise your DP for not earning enough to take the pressure off you if he's working full-time (not that I'm saying you're doing that), but at the same time if he's working fulltime it should be possible for him to earn enough to allow you to live in reduced circumstances while you retrain. Would he be prepared to take on some additional hours or a second job to fund your retraining? It would only be for the short-term and would benefit both of you in the long-term.

Good luck. I understand the frustration. I've had to wait a couple of years and examine several possibilities before finding a route that would work for my own circumstances.

OrmIrian · 09/11/2011 16:35

I was in your position for years. I don't think that meant I didn't marry well though.

FlossieFromCrapstonVillas · 09/11/2011 16:36

'Marry well'

"HAHAHA!" she says, adjusting her bustle.

LadyWord · 09/11/2011 16:36

While I hate thought thought of gold-digging and, and women looking for a rich husband for the sake of it - I do remember a time in my 20s when I had several men interested in me, but they were all penniless "artists" (actually layabouts it seemed), musicians, mysteriously unable to get a job, etc. I suppose if I'd fallen desperately in love with one of them, it wouldn't have mattered, but I did think "Oh I would like a man who at least has ambition on a par with mine and is reasonably solvent". Because I was fed up of being the bigger earner, not being able to do anything with my dates unless I paid, etc.

Mr right, plus (relatively) ambitious and solvent did come along as well, and I'm still with him. I won't deny it, of course it's nice having his (for now) larger and more reliable salary coming in. Having enough money makes things easier - that doesn't mean you only care about money.

jjkm · 09/11/2011 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyWord · 09/11/2011 16:38

But agree with others, I wouldn't call it "marrying well" to marry money. Marrying well involves a lot of factors and not necessarily that one.

Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:38

Haha "married well" was meant as a bit of a jibe at the idea of marrying a wealthy partner.

I don't want him to suddenly change and become a career driven person - he has asked for my help finding his path in life as he really doesn't know it. I'm just frustrated as I would like to take the next step in my own career and I need training that I can't afford as I am the main breadwinner iyswim.

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Bugsy2 · 09/11/2011 16:38

you can tell that Downton has been on for too long, when we are back to talking about "marrying well"! Haven't got anything constructive to add, as I'm divorced, so clearly didn't make the grade!!!! Grin

MothershipG · 09/11/2011 16:39

I love my DH, he is fab, but he will never make us rich (and I won't either). So because he is brill I really do want to keep him for ever and being a lazy sod myself I guess the only way we'll be rich is if we win the lottery (I'm keeping my fingers crossed, do you think it will help?)

I'm afraid the grass is always greener...

SootySweepandSue · 09/11/2011 16:43

Mmmm...what are you jealous of? Is it money and houses etc?

More than a few of my buddies are jealous of the 'childcare' help I get from DH. He's not that ambitious and on an average wage for London, but he puts our DD to bed every night & baths her and gets up with her in mornings so I get a bit of a break in my days. A lot of them get that once a week and that's a real treat.

I always feel that if money is that important to you go out and earn it yourself. There is nothing stopping you and it's a BU to expect to be provided for in this day and age.

Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:44

proudnscary good for you, that's great.

I am not on about wanting to fan myself and eat bons bons while DP earns enormous pots of cash.

I am on about being able to retrain and further my career (ending up as the main earner again after training) which I can't do as I already am, and to retrain I wouldn't be able to keep my job which keeps the roof over our heads. It would just be nice to be able to retrain, I guess, is my point. My friend was able to retrain as her other half earned (just!) enough to cover bills while she did.

Thanks for the supportive comments who get where I'm coming from!

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Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:45

Sooty read the thread, you clearly haven't!

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LikeACandleButNotQuite · 09/11/2011 16:45

I married 'well'

My DH earns a pittance, doesn't drive, cooks Spag Bol (and that's it), and has no ambition to be a high flier or a driver. I would not want it any other way, as the 'way' it is means he is happy. I am happy. I earn a bit more, and do the driving. I love it, and sometimes think 'oooh, it'd be nice to be able to have the choice to work part time' but in reality, I dont think I would.

You marry well if you are content. You marry well if, when you imagine your dream life, its at least 85% of how you all ready live. You marry well if your DH is happy and makes you happy.

Money, ambition and drive may be great for some, but for me, they are NOT a pre-requisite to a happy marriage.

Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:45

*'Marry well'

"HAHAHA!" she says, adjusting her bustle.*

Lol

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SootySweepandSue · 09/11/2011 16:46

How much do you need to retrain ?

Is a loan a possibility? Company sponsorship or grant? Loan from a family member? Remortgage? Sell a car? Downsize? Bank robbery etc? It's a shame if you can't see a way to move on and up...

Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:47

I have to stress, I am not jealous of cars, houses, clothes or any of that. Just of being able to retrain.

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Ephiny · 09/11/2011 16:48

What kind of retraining do you want to do?

(I know you didn't ask for advice about that, but maybe people might have some ideas or experience to share?)

Feminine · 09/11/2011 16:48

My Dad can only be classed as 'old school' he told me recently...

"Well I've got to hand it to you girl, you might not have done well commercially ... but you have really done well (the two of you )"

Confused
Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:49

Sooty It has to come after a long list of shite unfortunately like the mortgage, etting the roof fixed, the damp fixed, the bills etc etc. I am hoping to start saving specifically for it soon though.

I can't sell up and move - current climate and all that shite!

There will be a way in the future I am sure.

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SootySweepandSue · 09/11/2011 16:51

That's a shame about the roof and damp etc. I hate it when you have to spend wads of cash just to maintain where you are.

Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:51

I'd love to train in web development - I currently know basic basics of web design and css, html etc etc but would love to do a proper course in the programming languages. I looked into a home learning course but it was many thousands, and with the fees brought in at unis now it's just ridiculous. The night college courses offer less than I already know!

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Dipdap · 09/11/2011 16:51

My DH is quietly ambitious and career driven, I love him to bits but it does impact on our family life. We've had to move to the opposite end of the country and he works or trains 7days a week. Perhaps 1 day off every fortnight.

It wasn't always like this but this is the way it is at least for the foreseeable future. I feel more and more distanced from him and wonder how long we can carry on like this.

Not sure if anyone watched the Rolf Harris interview with Piers Morgan but I felt alot of empathy with his wife.

Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:51

Sooty I know, it's pants :(

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