Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of those who "married well"

139 replies

DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 15:58

Off the back of another thread.

I adore my DP and wouldn't swap him but he isn't ambitious and is not in a well paid or progressive career - I encourage him all I can and am blue in the face from suggesting ways to help him find "his path". I am the main earner and would love to retrain, or just not have the enormous pressure of making sure I keep my job so we keep a roof over our heads.

I do get jealous of those who have high earning partners and have the luxury of retraining etc. (like one of my closest friends). AIBU?

OP posts:
HuwEdwards · 09/11/2011 16:51

oh god, have an acquaintance who thinks a bit like you...she does her hardest to direct her husband's career in the most upwardly mobile way. She will not be happy until he is 'a director' as that's how she wants to be able to introduce him.

He had a breakdown last year, she says it was because his firm was ill-treating him. I reckon it was predominantly down to the pressure she was heaping on him

Birdiegirl · 09/11/2011 16:51

Oh come on everyone I think we all know what the OP means. I love my OH to bits and wouldn't swap him for the world and I married well - in that we absolutely adore each other and are perfectly matched. Would life be better if we had a bit more money - bloody sure! :)

HuwEdwards · 09/11/2011 16:53

Fig - started my post on the back of your op - reading more I feel I may have been hasty with my assessment of you.

RockStockAndTwoOpenBottles · 09/11/2011 16:53

I married well, turned out he was a complete cunt, so I divorced him. HTH

Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:54

No worries Huw, it does read like that!

OP posts:
Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:54

Thanks Birdie

OP posts:
wordfactory · 09/11/2011 16:55

I married a ferociously ambitious and driven man.
I couldn't have been happy with anything else.

But it is not a life for the faint hearted Wink.

Proudnscary · 09/11/2011 16:56

Birdie - that's not what she's saying though

wordfactory · 09/11/2011 16:57

But yes, it has allowed me to take periods out of work and change my own career track altogether so no op, yanbu.

Original poster
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/11/2011 16:57

It's ok proud my op has obviously upset you and wasn't worded as well as it could be. If you read the thread without the red mist you might understand.

OP posts:
brawhen · 09/11/2011 17:02

doesnotgive I run a software development business with DH (I am not a dev by background). Probably 1/3 of the good Dev CVs that I see have a large element of 'I taught myself programming because I was interested'. Don't be afraid to start with a teach yourself approach if you can find the time?

wideawakenurse · 09/11/2011 17:03

OP, you have been given a hard time here.

I know what you are saying, and if you are feeling the responsibility of being the main earner on your shoulders it's hard. I can imagine that hearing/reading about other people that have more choices than you do is hard, especially if they have those choices because of a higher earning DP.

Being the main breadwinner is hard.

brawhen · 09/11/2011 17:05

Er - and I married an ambitious entrepreneur and do sometimes wish I'd chosen Mr Corporate Megbucks. I know where you are coming from!

ThisIsANickname · 09/11/2011 17:06

I married very well.

I married an intelligent, kind, funny man who is patient, fiercely loyal and loves me with every breath he takes. He does his best to provide for me as I do for him.

What he makes is actually not important at all.

marriedinwhite · 09/11/2011 17:07

I agree with wordfactory.

I also very nearly married a ferociously ambitious and driven man who was marginally off the page and now has three broken marriages behind him.

DH has: changed about four nappies (dc now 13 and 17), doesn't cook, doesn't shop, doesn't like doing pick-ups for the dc, has had periods where he has worked more than 70 hours a week and every weekend on an ongoing basis, has spent weeks abroad, doesn't like holidays much, expects a tidy house, and has attended one parents' evening!

He is also the most honest, reliable, moral, decent man I have ever met and we have been together for nearly 24 years, married for nearly 21. I have supported his success.

Regrettably my mother will never think I married well - he was working class!

jjkm · 09/11/2011 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alouisee · 09/11/2011 17:12

Time hasn't run out! Instead of waiting for him to change why don't you find yourself another man Wink

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/11/2011 17:12

YANBU. I married a poor man for love who left me just as he was getting into decent earnings!!!! The OW got all the benefits of his improved circumstances... which does kind of stick in the craw. If I had my time over, I'd go for the rich man on the basis that if you're going to be saddled with a wanker, it might as well pay.

Ephiny · 09/11/2011 17:13

I agree with brawhen, there's a lot you can learn by self-study and doing small projects, these things are often best learned by doing anyway. Even developers with computer science degrees or similar usually end up doing this anyway, as these are often more theoretical than practical anyway. And a course can't teach you all the languages and systems you might ever need, especially with things changing so quickly these days.

Yes having a formal qualification is helpful, but you can start on your own, when you're ready maybe you could do some freelance work if you have the time, to build up your experience? Maybe look at Microsoft certification if it's the .NET world you're interested in?

Ephiny · 09/11/2011 17:14

Sorry, that was quite incoherent, hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say...

WilsonFrickett · 09/11/2011 17:14

I can understand you wanting to retrain but think being envious of your friend is pointless - you don't know what her marriage is like (from the inside, so to speak) - she may well be grateful that her DH has been able to earn enough to support her while she retrains, but she may also wish she could spend more time with him, or that he saw more of the children. The grass is always greener, and all that.

And if you want to learn code, learn code! My DH teaches himself a code a year by using a specific set of books, I'll ask him what they are when he gets home.

LaPruneDeMaTante · 09/11/2011 17:16

DH and I got together in our 20s (quite young). He had no material attractions Grin but he was fun and laid back. He does all right now through hard work and having specialised.

I dread to think what life would have been like if I'd tried to get the attentions of the young men who were going to be management consultants or lawyers or other high-earning, um, things. They were just so very not my type and I wasn't theirs. I hated all that and the thought of going after a 22-yr-old high earner just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

catgirl1976 · 09/11/2011 17:19

Um - a marriage is not a career choice..........

catgirl1976 · 09/11/2011 17:19

oh and if it is, therat is a name for the careerk....

catgirl1976 · 09/11/2011 17:20

"there is a name for that career" that should say.......stupid fingers