To be jealous of those who "married well"

[DoesNotGiveAFig]

Off the back of another thread.

I adore my DP and wouldn't swap him but he isn't ambitious and is not in a well paid or progressive career - I encourage him all I can and am blue in the face from suggesting ways to help him find "his path". I am the main earner and would love to retrain, or just not have the enormous pressure of making sure I keep my job so we keep a roof over our heads.

I do get jealous of those who have high earning partners and have the luxury of retraining etc. (like one of my closest friends). AIBU?

yy Dipdap

my DH is the same - constantly at work, till very late at night, and working most weekends. Yes we have money. But we have very little time together. And from a career perspective it means I am likely to be restricted to family friendly careers once we have DCs, because he is never ever going to be in a position to do much if any of the childcare. Which means, for example, I will really struggle to stay in my current job (lawyer).

Swings and roundabouts, OP. Count your blessings. And all those other cliches .

YABU

Actually though OP - having gone back to work when the dc were a little older and having retrained - whichever way you end up doing it, you have a meaning to your life beyond dc and when they are up and grown and almost flown you will be in a much much better place than those who stayed at home and at 50 are in an empty nest. That doesn't mean I am criticising full time mummies in any way - just that the lo's grow up eventually.

To anyone commenting on getting a career- I think the OP wants to be in a position to do just that.

interesting one, this, because i was in a relationship before dh with someone who earned about 25% of what I did. I was quite bonkers about him, but knew that I would end up being the breadwinner and he the stay at home dad if we were together long term, and that wasn't terribly appealing (for several reasons not just financial).

I'm often surprised at people getting together with someone who's longterm lifestyle plan just isn't at all compatible.

dh isn't on megabucks, but he does earn enough that i can be a SAHM while 3dc are small. however, he is out of the house from 6.30am til 9pm every day, which is quite a high price to pay, as the kids basically only see him at weekends.

Married well? Good god I thought that phrase belonged in about 1850!

Surely you marry someone because you love them, you have a shared sense of how you want your lives to unfold, shared core values etc. If you manage that, you marry well IMO

Actually most couples I know where the husband is significantly more successful work-wise, and earns a lot more, the wives often seem bored and frustrated, and I'm not convinced earn the full respect of their husbands. The grass may seem greener but I'd rather be seen as an equal, rather than a little wife who spends her time doing nice but not particularly useful courses etc

The only expression I can think of that tops "Marry Well" is "Good breeding stock"

I "married well" because my DH is kind, considerate, utterly loyal, supportive and all the other words you can think of to describe an amazing & wonderful man. He left school at 16 with no qualifications to work on the family farm and he is the least materialistic guy I know. We are finacially OK, but things can be a struggle. In a million years he would never do anything to hurt me and he would never cheat on me.

OTOH, an aquaintence of mine "married well" in her opinion. She married a high flying barrister who has incredible family wealth, with a massive house, ski chalets in France and holiday homes in the Carribean. Money is not an issue for her - she spent £85,000 (yes, you did read that right) on her wedding and didn't bat an eye. She looks down on my DH, because he's "just a farmer with no qualifications". Her "D"H, however, is a womanising arsehole who treats her like shit and used prostitutes who came to their house when she was away on her hen weekend. He basically shags anything with a pulse and expects her to put up with it, because she has access to his money.

I know which marriage I would want and it isn't hers. I married waaaaay better than she did.

Quite agree Worra. DH's brain and sheer grit combined with my looks and charm .

DH and I met and fell in love in our early 20s, at the start of our careers when we were both earning the same pittance.

As it turns out, his career took off and he now earns well. But I had no idea of whether he would be a low, medium or high earner when we got together and when I accepted his proposal. And there have been points in our marriage when I've been the sole earner.

What mattered was that we had a shared vision of a life together with children.

Even though DH earns well, I do sometimes look at wealthier friends and wonder...but there is always a wealthier friend, unless you are the Queen!

Hear hear quietiger

The whole concept of 'marrying well ' implies inequality. It implies that the woman is a poor little inferior being who cant possibly be considered equal. It suggests that a woman can't pay her own way, have a proper career etc, and should spend her time fannying about with cupcakes , lunching out or doing nice little day time courses to fill her time. The downside of course is that her husband wont respect her and will feel he can treat her like dirt because after all, he's the one calling the shots !

It sounds like something out of Jane Austen.

A friend of mine tells me almost every time I meet that I married well, and it grates a bit.

When I got together with dh he wasn;t earning much, he was an engineer in a three bed terraced house. I had no idea whether he was going to stay at that level and tbh didn't care anyway.

His career trajectory has been pretty stellar since then and yes, he earns a lot of money but has paid for that by mental hours and working abroad a lot.

I did marry well because he is an absolute sweetheart who would do anything for me but equally he always says he married well too

I'm reminded of the saying Call her Marigold...and hope she does

No time to read whole thread, but will later, and contribute a less assinine comment hopefully

My husband and I both married well. We love each other, and are great parents to our wonderful children. We also both work and support each other.

The thing is the op doesn't wish she'd married a rich man so she could just faff about. She just wishes that her man earned more so she could step back fronm being the main breadwinner for a time and retrain.

I think that's perfectly reasonable.

There are a lot of sacrifices to marrying someone like that and I wouldnt say it was worth it. No one to help you put the kids together every night, no one to come to all the plays, school fairs, read the story at the school etc, have to do more than 40 hours, have to do unsociable hours and xmas and the weekends, has to work away etc.

I wouldnt want to trade that for 10 million as I like having my husband here most of the time and the kids seeing him loads every night and morning and never having a night away from him. My husband left his old job for that reason as soon as we TTC no 1 as he doesnt think you can be such a hands on dad if you have to go away from your kids and I admire him for that as loads of dads just like to get away from the hard bits of the kids at home.

Have you told him he's not good enough for you? How does he feel about it?

Yes, he could be wealthy or ambitious. He could also put his career before his family, so you would never see him. He could also be a total dickhead.

As others have said, money doesn't make it that easy to retrain. My DH is very ambitious and well on his way to being very very successful indeed. We are very lucky in that he earns a fantastic wage which allows me to be a SAHM.

However, I would dearly love to go back to my old job in retail management which I greatly enjoyed and feel I was born to do. Unfortunately it would mean shift work and weekends and as my DH works 12-15 hrs on weekedays and usually brings plenty home on the weekend we would need to employ a full time nanny and would never see each other. It basically comes down to The question of 'what is more important to me?' and put simply, it's or relationship. Sometimes I feel a little wistful for my old life but then I think of the happiness I have found in him and it doesn't seem such a sacrifice.

Life isn't a bed of roses whatever rate of tax you're paying OP, sounds to me like you've not done too badly if you love your DP and are loved in return

I married very well. He is now upstairs dealing with bathtime while I am sat on the sofa mumsnetting.

Yep, mine came home from work (I am a pregnant SAHM at the mo, hoping to start my Masters next year) and bled the radiators, cooked dinner and fed the dogs before sitting down to play with dd. He then served dinner, cleared the kitchen and did the dishwasher before doing bathtime. All without expecting a medal.

I was looking for Jane Austen, somebody told me I could find her on this thread...

Oh, I know what you mean OP - I was thinking the same myself today! I would love to work part time, but we need both of our wages. DH is happy in his job and would never want to be promoted, so it is unlikely to change. We are Ok financially and very happy, so I'm not seriously unhappy ... but it's normal to be a bit jealous of the best bits of others' lives.

YANBU

All this "I married him for love, he's a decent bloke, good dad, really love him etc" well its OK for a few years in the early days and a few years when your old but a bit more zip dash and dollar in the middle years wouldn't go a miss.