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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another a PIL thread.... telling us not asking when to visit?

131 replies

meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:21

Ok loads of history between me and the PIL, too much to go into.

Things have been civil between us for the last 4 or 5 years. (out of 12)

DH was taken ill over the weekend and had an emergency op yesterday. Sad All fine and is home recuperating.

PIL offered to come and help. (History of offering help which turns out not be help). I said no don't worry about helping but feel free to visit your son. (that was yesterday), heard nothing till they rang DH today and said they had booked tickets (fly) to come on saturday. The issue I have with this is

a) they could have come yesterday, today or tommorrow (couldn't come thursday as they have appointment can't get out of) (they are retired)

b) its my DD's birthday on saturday and she is having a party at home (need to prepare for it) and we/she wants to spend the weekend (apart from party) with just us. I'll have to entertain PIL too.

c) I really don't appreciate being told not asked when they will visit.

I fully appreciate they want to see their son and I'm more than happy for that to happen just not at the weekend.

So I was going to email ring them to explain but DH wanted to do it. They have thrown a hissy fit and are now not coming at all.Shock

Flame away.

OP posts:
DeeOfTheNorth · 08/11/2011 19:24

My first thought is you told them they should 'feel free to visit their son'.

So they are.....

If you had a problem with certain dates you should've told them imho.

YABU I think...

Changing2011 · 08/11/2011 19:24

They are probably really worried. Be kind. They can't do a lot for your husband while he is receiving medical care, but they can be put to use elsewhere, I.e. With you and kids. Make them help out!

Shutupanddrive · 08/11/2011 19:27

Yabu I think, they had planned to come when they could. It didn't suit you for no major reason - you could have still had the party

msrisotto · 08/11/2011 19:27

Yeah, saying 'feel free to visit your son' doesn't imply that they can lose their manners and not tell when they were thinking of coming and checking that that is ok though.

NatashaBee · 08/11/2011 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piratecat · 08/11/2011 19:29

if you say they could have come yesterday, today or tomorrow, you were expecting them to fly, then go back before thursday before this appointment? where do they live?

oh yabu, you can't choose when they come to see their ill son. I feel like i don't understand this at all.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:29

I probably should of said about the weekend being a nono Dee but a) have been in a state and didn't think b)thought they'd come sooner especially as they are worried

changing Agreed. Trying to actually getting them to help out will be lots more work.

OP posts:
Flubba · 08/11/2011 19:31

It's inconvenient to you, but this is only clear to them retrospectively. They weren't to know you'd prefer them not to visit at the weekend? Your opening gambit of "come and visit" sounds friendly enough, but certainly doesn't suggest "come now, or tomorrow, but please, whatever you do, don't come at the weekend".

I presume also that your DD is their granddaughter? So why wouldn't they want to visit her on her birthday as well as their son?

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:32

pirate if DH was in hospital and didn't involve me having to entertain them, resolve disputes between them my dcs, organise a party, look after dh then I woul be much more flexible but still would be a bit put out about being told not asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:34

Flubba DD doesn't want them to comeon her birthday weekend, we like to spend it as a little family bar the party.

OP posts:
Kayano · 08/11/2011 19:34

I think YABU

Unless your PIL are psychic and know your preferences. You said 'feel free...' not 'come and visit on day x, y ad z'

squeakytoy · 08/11/2011 19:34

YABU.

You said "feel free to visit"... so they are visiting... they want to see their son, and presumably it will be nice for them to see their granddaughter on her birthday.

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 19:35

YANBU. It would have been polite of them to check before booking imo.

squeakytoy · 08/11/2011 19:35

Your daughter doesnt want her grandparents to visit??

Wow... just wow.. that is so sad :(

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:35

Yes I should of made it clear about which days were a nono. Blush

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 08/11/2011 19:36

Tbh I think this is a misunderstanding, you saying to feel free sounds very like 'just come whenever'. If you would be happy for them to come sooner then it will be no more or less work for them to come on Sat so you do sound a little like you are looking for a reason to be annoyed with them.

You have my sympathy though, as I hate house guests. And I hope your DP recovers well and quickly.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:36

She does want them to visit just not on her birthday weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:38

No thats not the case ninky. I am happy for them to come, they are worried, their son needs them too.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 08/11/2011 19:38

This is an unusual instance, I'm sure your dd will understand. And besides, I think it is important for her to see that stuff happens in families that means that things don't always go the way she wants.

Kayano · 08/11/2011 19:39

Well that's sad

mariasophia · 08/11/2011 19:39

YABU In times of emergencies, all plans go out of the window and you should be more flexible, Will they want to stay as well ? Its a pita but its their son after all. Its a shame that you cannot consider their feelings, how would you feel if this was done to you in the future, think you would be throwing more than a hissy fit !

verlainechasedrimbauds · 08/11/2011 19:40

Ok, I'll flame. Do you know that they could definitely have arranged flights on other days? Perhaps this is the easiest day for them by far for all sorts of reasons. Isn't unreasonable of you to put obstacles in the way of them coming to visit their son who has been in hospital? Isn't it rather nice that they can combine a visit to see their son with a visit for their grandaughter's birthday?

If I were your PIL I'd be really hurt and horrified at your reaction. Especially after you saying "come and visit". I really hope I don't get a reaction like this when I'm a MIL. Blimey.

floweryblue · 08/11/2011 19:40

Seems to me to be very odd to say 'feel free to visit', then complain when they arrange to do just that.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:42

True ninky. maria I am considering their feelings. They can come tommorrow or sunday night or next week. They could of come yesterday

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Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:43

Prehaps I shouldn't of said feel free to visit?

OP posts: