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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another a PIL thread.... telling us not asking when to visit?

131 replies

meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:21

Ok loads of history between me and the PIL, too much to go into.

Things have been civil between us for the last 4 or 5 years. (out of 12)

DH was taken ill over the weekend and had an emergency op yesterday. Sad All fine and is home recuperating.

PIL offered to come and help. (History of offering help which turns out not be help). I said no don't worry about helping but feel free to visit your son. (that was yesterday), heard nothing till they rang DH today and said they had booked tickets (fly) to come on saturday. The issue I have with this is

a) they could have come yesterday, today or tommorrow (couldn't come thursday as they have appointment can't get out of) (they are retired)

b) its my DD's birthday on saturday and she is having a party at home (need to prepare for it) and we/she wants to spend the weekend (apart from party) with just us. I'll have to entertain PIL too.

c) I really don't appreciate being told not asked when they will visit.

I fully appreciate they want to see their son and I'm more than happy for that to happen just not at the weekend.

So I was going to email ring them to explain but DH wanted to do it. They have thrown a hissy fit and are now not coming at all.Shock

Flame away.

OP posts:
cwtch4967 · 08/11/2011 19:57

YABVVU - you can't tell people they are free to visit and then complain when they say they are coming !! It is sad that your daughter doesn't want to see them.

Kayano · 08/11/2011 19:58

If you add the back story now I will be so annoyed. I hate the drip drip Confused

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 19:59

Even more so if I was a plane ride away. Booking tickets first is giving your host no chance to say it's not a convenient time. Plain rude imo. But as I said if the parents are worried about their son perhaps they didn't think.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 20:01

Don't worry Kay I think that it would be unfair to me and to PIL. Its such a lond and complicated story that I couldn't possibly get everything in.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/11/2011 20:01

well, its all irrelevant now anyway, as your DH has obviously told them they were not welcome, so they arent coming..

Unless they have behaved very badly in the past towards you all, then I do feel very sorry for them.

floweryblue · 08/11/2011 20:01

Don't beat yourself up meanie, when DP was diagnosed with cancer both his parents wanted to visit (they are separated) as well as some of his sisters (there are seven of them!).

I found it very hard to be welcoming and a good host when I was still trying to deal with the idea myself. Fortunately for me, DP understood this and managed to restrict the visits so that they were one at a time and some people stayed elsewhere than at our house.

It still meant about 6 weeks of entertaining, just when I didn't need it, but it wasn't about me was it, DP wanted the people close to him around him so I dealt with it because I love DP.

Stock up on wine, plaster a smile on your face, try your very best to be happy that your PIL love their son and, when they arrive, talk to them honestly about how they can best help you and your family.

marzipananimal · 08/11/2011 20:02

YANBU although saying 'feel free to visiting' and not saying when was a good/bad time wasn't the best idea.

Why are people expressing shock that OP's dd doesn't want them there on her birthday? Not all grandparents are nice people, but even if they're perfectly pleasant she might not know them very well (due to distance) or just prefer to spend it with immediate family (totally reasonable imo)

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 20:05

Flowery, hope your DH is ok now?

Yes thats good advice and your words show you know what it is like.Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 20:06

Yes I can see that now marzi. I though I was being kind by saying that. Confused but obviously has left me wide open to mis-interpretation.Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 20:07

I don't have any parents (to poster who asked if I would treat my parents like that)

OP posts:
cricketballs · 08/11/2011 20:07

I am with the majority of posters - YABVVVU! It is their son and you are annoyed that they are visiting on a particular day which happens to be their GC's birthday?

to be honest, you sound a total b*h

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 20:08

Helpful cricket Hmm

OP posts:
cunexttuesonline · 08/11/2011 20:09

I think it's a bit odd of them not to check the dates with you before booking flights to visit you. You said it was ok for them to visit, you didn't say just rock up any time unannounced. I suppose you'd have been better to spell it out and say come and visit but double check with us re dates before you book flights, or something like that.

If I was you though, I would have just made the best of it once they had actually booked their flights.

And I would like to know the back story cos I am nosy like that ;)

Oh and get well soon to your DH.

mummywizz · 08/11/2011 20:11

the whole issue here is that they didn't check with you first isn't it? my inlaws live abroad and always 'tell me' when they are visiting, never ask, then expect us to drop everything to collect them from whichever airport offered them the cheapest flight grrrr. It drives me nuts and has been going on for years. So my sympathies lie with you, of course you'd expect them to come over but it's a lack of respect to check that saturday was ok, a simple phonecall takes a minute....YANBU

cricketballs · 08/11/2011 20:11

sorry - but you asked if UABU and I answered - yes!

IggyPup · 08/11/2011 20:15

I am a MIL and I live in another country to my two Ds and their partners. If I was told my DS had an emergency operation, I would come straight away and not wait for an invitation or even check if it was inconvenient. I would book a hotel if I couldn't stay at my DS. My DGD will be 1 next Feb. and I fully intend to see her on her birthday.
Maybe its the PIls who are a bit unreasonable here? Are they being a bit precious? Just thought I'd throw that out there. Anyway I would be devastated if I thought my DS didn't want me to spend time with him or GC on her birthday.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 20:15

No need to call me a bitch, nice

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 20:16

Agree iggy but its their behaviour that has led to this. Sad

OP posts:
cricketballs · 08/11/2011 20:16

ok - what would you do if they lived closer and just called round on Saturday and spent a few hours? It is their son and their GC (not your possessions) whose needs are the utmost and you are moaning.....

Think about later in your life, your DD has had an emergency operation, your GC's birthday a couple of days later - what would you do? Would you expect to be able to combine the both to visit your own child and GC or would you be happy to have to ask for permission to visit your child?

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 20:17

Um Cricket, I'm not interested in speaking to you after you called me a bitch.

OP posts:
RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 20:18

I wouldn't want my pil to just turn up without checking if it was ok first and I doubt they'd want me to turn up on their doorstep either.

cricketballs · 08/11/2011 20:20

I am not one for language and name calling but your post really wound me up so apologies if i have offended you; but read your original post back to yourself whilst also thinking about the last statement I made - what would you call your DIL if she was moaning that you were visiting your ill child and your GC on their birthday?

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 20:28

Well don't know about the op but I hope that my relationship with my gc doesn't deteriorate to the point that they don't wish to see me.

Everlong · 08/11/2011 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cunexttuesonline · 08/11/2011 20:29

cricket - I think when we become MILs, we need to remember that we cannot just do whatever we feel like wrt our children, as we need to respect their own families then. it's not hard to check that it's an ok time to visit.

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