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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another a PIL thread.... telling us not asking when to visit?

131 replies

meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:21

Ok loads of history between me and the PIL, too much to go into.

Things have been civil between us for the last 4 or 5 years. (out of 12)

DH was taken ill over the weekend and had an emergency op yesterday. Sad All fine and is home recuperating.

PIL offered to come and help. (History of offering help which turns out not be help). I said no don't worry about helping but feel free to visit your son. (that was yesterday), heard nothing till they rang DH today and said they had booked tickets (fly) to come on saturday. The issue I have with this is

a) they could have come yesterday, today or tommorrow (couldn't come thursday as they have appointment can't get out of) (they are retired)

b) its my DD's birthday on saturday and she is having a party at home (need to prepare for it) and we/she wants to spend the weekend (apart from party) with just us. I'll have to entertain PIL too.

c) I really don't appreciate being told not asked when they will visit.

I fully appreciate they want to see their son and I'm more than happy for that to happen just not at the weekend.

So I was going to email ring them to explain but DH wanted to do it. They have thrown a hissy fit and are now not coming at all.Shock

Flame away.

OP posts:
cricketballs · 08/11/2011 20:34

Wanksock - even when they have had an operation and there is a birthday?

Sorry, but I don't have any family either my side, nor DH's side that feel that they have to give permission for 'visits' so when reading these threads it just reads as people being possessive rather than joining of families, becoming a bigger family and thus remembering that they need to think of others feelings to see their loved ones rather than just focusing on their own routines etc

floweryblue · 08/11/2011 20:35

Can we please stop picking on meanie, she has acknowledged the fact that she should not have offered an 'open' invitation when she didn't really mean it, ie she accepts that she is partially BU.

Doesn't change the other fact, she is already dealing with a lot and now a family rift, which sounds like it has re-occurred and which I assume she has worked hard to heal in the past, has reappearred.

Without more info meanie advice can only be limited.

cricketballs · 08/11/2011 20:39

and yes, my own MIL has 'nipped up' when it wasn't convenient, but rather than throw a hissy fit/moan on line that she is evil I have smiled, and made her a cup of tea as I recognise that whilst it may not be the best time she has come to see her son and gc (and me!) and I do not have ownership on dh/dc

mumeeee · 08/11/2011 20:40

YABU, You told them to feel
free to visit their son. Which is what they are doing.

cunexttuesonline · 08/11/2011 20:41

I don't think it matters what the occasion is, birthday or whatever they should check first before booking flights. Emergency IS different, however they didn't travel straight up at the time of emergency and there is no longer an emergency, her DH is recovering.

SugarPasteZombie · 08/11/2011 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 20:45

Since when did the very general 'feel free to visit' mean rock up any time of the day or night within the next however long without checking it's ok before you pay for tickets?
Crucially, and for whatever reason, the op's dh who is actually the person who is ill doesn't want to see them. I don't think we even need the backstory to work out that they are obviously not the nicest people.

cricketballs · 08/11/2011 20:46

her dh though is also their ds

RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 20:49

He may be their ds but he doesn't want them visiting.

Laquitar · 08/11/2011 20:51

How old is your dd?

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 20:52

7

OP posts:
Laquitar · 08/11/2011 20:57

Did something happened on her last bday? Why she doesn't want them on her bday? Confused

Re playing hostess tbh i prefer to do that at once, having everything - party, gp's - on one weekend, then i can rest on next weekend.

cricketballs · 08/11/2011 20:58

"they are worried, their son needs them too"

"So I was going to email ring them to explain but DH wanted to do it"

doesn't really say to me that he doesn't want them to visit, the only information given is that 'he doesn't want them at the weekend' - is this because of the strop that the op is throwing or a genuine wanting of his parents not to visit at the weekend (which also seems very 'off' ok to visit in the week but not when we are celebrating your GC's birthday)

or does he want to contact them to be nicer about them visiting because his wife is throwing a fit about his parents daring to be concerned about their child?

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:00

oh cricket do fuck off

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:01

and i don't care if i get banned

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:02

Because they are constantly on her case and asking her to ge this and that for them.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 08/11/2011 21:04

You said feel free to come and visit, so they are, maybe that was the earliest opportunity considering they have to fly, you are being totally unreasonable another two adults in a house with lots of kids is no problem surely?

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:05

you would thing so fabby, but reality is ots like having 2 more kids with lots of snidey remarks

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 08/11/2011 21:05

The OPs dh for the sake of peace agreed with the op not because of what he wanted.

If you feel they ask your daughter to fetch and carry too much then man up and tell them not to do it.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:06

wrong fabby but good try well done

OP posts:
naturalbaby · 08/11/2011 21:08

it's not very helpful to keep on flaming the OP for what sounds like a very difficult, emotional and complicated situation.
what's happened has happend, you need to work out what is going to happen next and how you are going to move on. can you send an email to say you're sorry about the misunderstanding but you are going through a very, very difficult time too and you hope you can both work something out?

warthog · 08/11/2011 21:08

meanie, you're not going to get people onside if you won't explain why they're so awful.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:09

Do you think I should natural?

OP posts:
RomanKindle · 08/11/2011 21:13

Well if the rift concerns the child then maybe the dh doesn't want his parents rocking up on her birthday?

naturalbaby · 08/11/2011 21:16

my PIL also often dictate when they are coming to see us and i have control issues so try to get in there first and take back control. we've had a couple of minor misunderstandings about meeting up where MIL got very offended and i find it easier to 'talk' to her via email so i can get my point across better, and she has time to read it and think about it.
what are your other options - leave it and wait for them to choose another day to visit or not come at all?

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