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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another a PIL thread.... telling us not asking when to visit?

131 replies

meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 19:21

Ok loads of history between me and the PIL, too much to go into.

Things have been civil between us for the last 4 or 5 years. (out of 12)

DH was taken ill over the weekend and had an emergency op yesterday. Sad All fine and is home recuperating.

PIL offered to come and help. (History of offering help which turns out not be help). I said no don't worry about helping but feel free to visit your son. (that was yesterday), heard nothing till they rang DH today and said they had booked tickets (fly) to come on saturday. The issue I have with this is

a) they could have come yesterday, today or tommorrow (couldn't come thursday as they have appointment can't get out of) (they are retired)

b) its my DD's birthday on saturday and she is having a party at home (need to prepare for it) and we/she wants to spend the weekend (apart from party) with just us. I'll have to entertain PIL too.

c) I really don't appreciate being told not asked when they will visit.

I fully appreciate they want to see their son and I'm more than happy for that to happen just not at the weekend.

So I was going to email ring them to explain but DH wanted to do it. They have thrown a hissy fit and are now not coming at all.Shock

Flame away.

OP posts:
mariasophia · 08/11/2011 21:24

I would meanie, its a very stressful time for you with the op etc, i hope they are ok with you.

the fetching and carrying is what your inlaws genenration were brought up with i think, maybe your dd can see it as indulging the batty old codgers for a short time and then you can all breathe a sigh of relief when they are back on the plane, its what most of us do, i think its hard doing it but they are not staying for long(hopefully) Good luck with them

reallifegetsintheway · 08/11/2011 21:26

I think YANBU!! They sound like my in-laws. They would just sit and expect to be fed and watered without offering to help. My mum would make herself useful IYSWIM. They would be 2 extra bodies in the house that the OP could do without at a stressful time.

Birthday parties for girls can be stressful for some people. Maybe OP doesn't need to have 'to cater/ entertain' the in-laws too, with a party and ill DH??

Possibly the thought of them is worse than the reality?? (or maybe not!)

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/11/2011 21:37

YABU.

And if things have been reasonably smooth for the last 4-5 years, then the only reason that a 7 year old can think badly of her grandparents is if those thoughts have been put there.

In a similar situation I would interpret 'feel free to visit' as an open invitation. The time to mention any constraints was then. I honestly wouldn't have rung to say 'we are going to book these flights, is that ok?', if that invitation had been issued.

I think you should e-mail and apologise for the misunderstanding and reissue your invitation, but not for Saturday if you are all so determined to exclude them.

Pekka · 08/11/2011 21:46

YABU!
I have a feeling no day would have been suitable for you or your daughter. I agree with other posters, email an apology immediately.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:48

Er, no. I've emailed and said they are very wlcome just not this weekend. My DD is 7 and hasn't done anything wrong. Chidren are honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:49

Nobdies determined to exclude them,they were not included to start with.

You reap what you sow.

OP posts:
reallifegetsintheway · 08/11/2011 21:52

Is your DD quite perceptive? Mine is!! She can see that all the in-laws do when they come is sit, eat and fall asleep (they come for a mini break!). They don't engage much with the dc- all they do is talk about BIL/SIL and their kids.

So lay off the OP!! Not all in-laws are wonderful therefore not always welcome....

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:53

haha yes she is as is her sister. Smile

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/11/2011 21:53

Your reap what you sow

You do indeed, and sadly it seems due to someone elses behaviour, your daughter does not want to see her grandparents. Which seems very sad.

Birthdays should be a time for all the family to be able to celebrate.

You say you have been civil to each other for a few years, so it is strange that your child doesnt want her grandparents to be part of her birthday celebrations.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:54

Yes their behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:55

What can yo do, the kid know her mind

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/11/2011 21:56

I didn't say that your daughter had done anything wrong Confused

reallifegetsintheway · 08/11/2011 21:57

Oh squeak- yes in an ideal world -everything would be rosy (everyone celebrating together). But the reality of family dynamics is that is doesn't always happen.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 21:57

Good because she hasn't, she is just perceptive and what child enjoys being bossed about the whole time?

OP posts:
pink4ever · 08/11/2011 21:58

Sorry but YABU-and I say this as someone who dislikes pil-well mil really. If my dh had been in hospital there is no way in hell I could keep them away and tbh in that situation I wouldnt think it fair to do so.

With regards to your dd-have they done something directly to her or is she just picking up your hostility? I am very careful about what I say about pil in front of my dcs-they are still their gp's at the end of the day.

I dont know what you hope to gain by being snippy to posters on the thread who disagree with you when you decline to give more examples of behaviour that would explain why you being so nasty

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/11/2011 22:00

Jesus wept you sound about 12 years old. If you are this rude, confrontational and generally unpleasant in RL then no wonder your PILs have fallen out with you.

I would die of a broken heart if one of my sons married someone like you.

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 22:00

pink I can;t even be bothered to answer that rubbish.

OP posts:
Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 22:02

Ali, how dramatic. Grin You have made me laugh.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/11/2011 22:02

I would say it doesnt matter whose behaviour is at fault, it is just not good that is has impacted onto a 7yo to the point that she doesnt want to see her grandparents. :(

Original poster
meanieinthecupboard · 08/11/2011 22:03

OFGS she does want to see them ,just not when we had plans already.

OP posts:
MenopausalHaze · 08/11/2011 22:04

I agree with Ali - are you actually still a teenager?

Annunziata · 08/11/2011 22:07

Surely your DH's emergency operation meant you changed plans?

There's obviously a lot of things we don't know. But based on what you have said here, YABvU!

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 08/11/2011 22:08

So use the opportunity to teach her that she can't always have things exactly as she wants them, especially when some kind of emergency (eg. your DH's op) crops up.

Oh wait... you can't do that, because that would mean you grasping the concept first. Silly me :)

pink4ever · 08/11/2011 22:11

I hope your dd grows up to be as charming as you.

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2011 22:16

I think the fact that your daughter Knows Her Own Mind at 7 is wonderful.
At what age will she learn that Knowing Your Own Mind doesn't stop you being thoughtful towards others?
What is all this dreadful Fetching and Carrying she has to do for her grandparents?

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