Basically kicked out of an NCT lunch as my baby was crying

[ozpom73]

In my NCT group there are 8 couples, each of us having had our babies a few months ago. One couple offered to host lunch at their place just over a week ago. My husband was working, so I went alone.

My 20 week old DS had a mini meltdown - he was tired and didn't want a nap and was possibly over-stimulated. Everyone hadn't arrived yet, so it was still at the drinks/nibbles part. The hostess suggested I take DS for a walk. I explained I didn't have my buggy. Before I understood what the hell had happened, her husband had brought out her buggy chassis and attached my DS's carseat to it. I was promptly ushered out of the front door. I stood there, rather dumstruck by what had occurred - was I really just kicked out because DS was crying?

Please bear in mind that it was an NCT lunch - every adult there was a parent. My DS is the oldest at 20 weeks and was certainly NOT the only baby who had a meltdown before/during/after that.

I don't know why, but I did return and did go back inside and stay for lunch - perhaps I was hungry? Perhaps I had over-reacted?

What is interesting is that every other friend who is also a parent that I've told that story to since has been horrified and said that my NCT 'friend' was really rude.....I now have no interest in maintaining a friendship with this group as a whole. There are one or two women who I like, but one friend nailed it today when she asked me: 'If you didn't all have children, would you be friends with them - are they your sort of people?' - to which I've concluded, not really, no.

So, was I being unreasonable that I felt upset?

SQ, I'm surprised that you were able to chat then with so many babies screaming. That situation might have been fine for you, but another new mum might come along who gets distressed by her baby's cries and might think you rude for not offering to help her.

Your situation SQ, applies to you and the people you came to know. The OP's situation applies to a completely different set of people who haven't had that chance to get to know each other properly yet. They are all coping with being new mums and whilst one mum might be happy to ignore her screaming baby and carry on sipping her tea, another might be upset and desperately hoping someone would offer some help.

I think they were kind to offer and then misunderstood the OP's reply as one that was asking for help. That's all this was, a misunderstanding. I don't think they were deliberately rude for one second and would most probably be mortified to think that they had upset the OP. But if the OP doesn't particularly like them anyway then she doesn't have to spend much time with them as the next meeting will be at someone else's house. She'll just have to remember to be a little more direct with her responses next time.

And never hesitate to offer to help a new mum. The offer of help from another mum should never be taken the wrong way and some mums would be more than grateful for a little kindness.

"This wasn't a toddler group - it was lunch at someone's house!"

It was a lunch at someone's house - her post natal group - and everyone had their babies with them

It seems that mine was the only post natal group then where people had babies who cried, and people were kind and understanding about it, and didn't expect them to leave

i think tbh that there is a big difference between a grizzly, already-being-comforted baby and a child who is screaming in a car seat. our nect groups would never had raised an eyebrow at the first, but after a few minutes the second is very stressful to listen to.

Offering to help in out group was things like,

offer use of things like cots, highchairs, bouncers, holding them for a bit

saying things like, what might help, some food, a drink, is their nappy OK, you can use the cot if you like, what about the floor mat thingy etc etc.

People would offer everything and people would use what they wanted and needed. It was never proscribed what people ought to do to the point of stuffing some apparatus at them, especially if the apparatus meant them having to leave. If poeple wanted to take their children for a trip round the block they did so, no-one would have said "why don't you go outside" it's just terribly rude.

It's pointless to be 'kind and understanding' when a baby is having a screaming fit if you can offer actual practical support! There must be some moves towards comforting the baby, otherwise listening to. It and doing nothing is cruel for aby and mum.

i'm a bit late to this thread but i get the impression that the op probably feels a bit uncomfortable around these parents and therefore there was a bit of a breakdown of communication as you were all probably trying a bit too hard to be polite to each other (if they were close friends you would say 'look i don't want the pushchair are you trying to get rid of me haha' and have a laugh about it).

i do think they were trying to help by lending you their pushchair though, maybe the only way they can get their dc to sleep when they are crying is with the pushchair.

i think it all comes down to nerves at the end of the day, hosts were nervous, you didn't feel comfortable around them etc. please try not to be upset though, and as others have said if you are really not enjoying the meet ups i wouldn't bother.

It is never pointless to be kind and understanding.

i think what she meant was that it's pointless to yak over the top of a baby screaming painfully when you can actually offer some practical help. but i also think you knew that.

SQ - they did offer some help and they misunderstood the OP's reply that she did not have a buggy as an affirmation that she would like to take up the offer.

Can you not concede that they were just trying to be helpful and mis-read the situation? After all, they are new parents too, they were organising a lunch in their home for lots of other new parents and babies and so I think it's fair to say they were under stress. A misunderstanding in that situation is forgiveable I think.

I am sorry the OP felt upset and as though she was thrown out, but I wouldn't hold it against this couple. I honestly don't think they meant it in that way.

It is never pointless to be kind and understanding

I suspect it started that way, and after N minutes of a yowling baby and no useful action being taken they moved to "being supportively proactive".

The OP was upset though. People who have young babies and are sleep deprived are often easily upset / a bit sensitive. Another reason for post-natal groups - everyone is in the same boat and a bit of extra care and leeway is given.

Honestly I do think it's rude to push one option, and the one option pushed is the OP having to go wandering around outside by herself.

Not to mention the fact that some people have even worse problems than sleep deprivation.

That is the point of post natal groups, surely? They aren't actually about being proper friends with all of the people in the group, they're about support. If you make proper friends with people then it's nice, but that's not why the groups are formed in the first place. They are there to stop new parents feeling isolated, to give them support, with people who are in the same boat.

If she had have refused that option they may have suggested something else. As far as they saw, she didn't refuse it. I am quite a paranoid person with a 'heightened' sense of social rudeness and I really wouldn't have thought this rude. But then I'd have said no if I didn't want to go out.

Perhaps the host - who also have young baby - had had a bad night and were sleep deprived . Works all ways

But SQ, as had already been stated to you, some new mums would have appreciated that offer!

Oh I give up. They were being very very rude and obnoxious and you should never ever see them again. In fact do a dump on their doorstep.

The husband came in with the buggy chassis, picked up the carseat with the baby in it, clipped it in and pushed it towards the door.

That is a little strong, surely. A "would you like to borrow a pushchair" would have been more like it.

If someone waltzed in with a pushchair, put your baby in it and positioned it at the door, wouldn't you think that was a little pushy?

SQ I am really struggling to differentiate between "you can use the cot" which is ok and "why don't you go for a walk" which is not

They didn't just say "why don't you take DS out for a walk". They said that, she said she didn't have pushchair. Next thing the husband came in, picked up her carseat with baby in it, clipped it into the chassis and pushed it towards the door.

That's not just an "offer".

If you mean in my situation - it's because suggesting someone leave the place where the meetup is happening is different to offering them to sit in a different room if they want to. Especially in november. If someone wants to take their child out for a walk they can do so - but suggesting they leave seems wrong to me.

Also "you can use the cot" is an offer, while "why don't you go for a walk" seems more like an instruction.

SQ - it wasn't clear to me that the baby was in the carseat.

I don;t know, I just remember how I was with DD1 when she was small - I had undiagnosed PND and was suffering with anxiety and everything was very hard. There were a few people struggling in our group which is why we were all so very careful around each other - people were tired, some were miserable, others depressed, some had very "difficult" babies, and all the rest of it. What happened to OP seems off - I wouldn't pick up someone's baby without asking first - unless their parent wasn't there. But OP was there. It just seems not right to me.

Look I think you may be reading too much into this. The OP admitted that her ds had a mini meltdown, he was screaming, he was overtired and over-stimulated. Other parents may have picked up on that. The hostess suggested that she take him for a walk, which seems sensible to get him out of the crowded room and perhaps the motion would have helped him to nod off. The OP did not refuse, but instead explained that she did not have her buggy with her, so the husband brings out theirs and clips the carseat to it so that the OP didn't have to fiddle about with the straps.

They were just trying to be helpful. The lunch had not started, they were still waiting on people arriving so this was not in the middle of lunch.

In that situation, even though the baby didn't actually go to sleep, I would have said that it was the best thing to do. Because if your baby is over-tired and over-stimulated then you do what is best for your child.

SQ, you would have reacted in a completely different way and perhaps the OP is just like you in that way. But I would not dismiss this couple as rude for doing what they did, I think that is presumptive and not on. Plenty of us have said that they were not rude and others would have welcomed their intervention. So we're all different.

oh yes, i remember when dd1 was tiny and the slightest little thing, comment or glance could really really upset and annoy me so i do understand where the op is coming from! but the other couple are also new parents themselves, i think they were just nervous and went a bit over the top

I think many parents would raise an eyebrow at someone just picking their baby up (whether in a carseat or not) and putting it in a buggy and pushing the buggy towards the door.

Most people when she said that she didn't have a buggy would have said "would you like to borrow one" not just started hefting her baby around.

The fact is that it did upset the OP, so either she was very sensitive, or they were odd. Or, possibly, both.