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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Basically kicked out of an NCT lunch as my baby was crying

167 replies

ozpom73 · 07/11/2011 19:47

In my NCT group there are 8 couples, each of us having had our babies a few months ago. One couple offered to host lunch at their place just over a week ago. My husband was working, so I went alone.

My 20 week old DS had a mini meltdown - he was tired and didn't want a nap and was possibly over-stimulated. Everyone hadn't arrived yet, so it was still at the drinks/nibbles part. The hostess suggested I take DS for a walk. I explained I didn't have my buggy. Before I understood what the hell had happened, her husband had brought out her buggy chassis and attached my DS's carseat to it. I was promptly ushered out of the front door. I stood there, rather dumstruck by what had occurred - was I really just kicked out because DS was crying?

Please bear in mind that it was an NCT lunch - every adult there was a parent. My DS is the oldest at 20 weeks and was certainly NOT the only baby who had a meltdown before/during/after that.

I don't know why, but I did return and did go back inside and stay for lunch - perhaps I was hungry? Perhaps I had over-reacted?

What is interesting is that every other friend who is also a parent that I've told that story to since has been horrified and said that my NCT 'friend' was really rude.....I now have no interest in maintaining a friendship with this group as a whole. There are one or two women who I like, but one friend nailed it today when she asked me: 'If you didn't all have children, would you be friends with them - are they your sort of people?' - to which I've concluded, not really, no.

So, was I being unreasonable that I felt upset?

OP posts:

ChrissasMissis · 08/11/2011 06:51

Oh, OzPom - you know YANBU!

peggyblackett · 08/11/2011 07:10

YABVU - the NCT is dreadful, what were you thinking of lunching with them ?

Seriously though - maybe the dad thought he was being helpful? Still rude I agree, but.....

lolaflores · 08/11/2011 07:27

two4one "our lot"...speaks volumes. What this is in essence is in groups and out groups. Forming and storming...and all the rest. This is how groups behave. Whether they are NCT or a group of 13 year old girls. The behaviour is nearly always the same. There are those that are "in" for whatever reason, they are seen as reflecting the commonly held beliefs of the group and those that for some reason do not fit.
do not kid yourself that being a 30+ professinal makes you immune to this behaviour. It is a basic component of human interaction. And within groups there are those that decide who belongs. OP was treated differently to other members of the groups who's babies were doing pretty much the same. I wonder if her husband had been with whether the treatment would have been different. Specially from the friend's husband?
Interesting too, that when the commonality of the original reason for the group has faded i.e. the first born, the group disintegrates, is no longer of any need. Not in all cases but the majority.
The strong "we are right, the rest of the world is wrong" NCT ethos, is a strong binding medium, which all members of the group have in common else they wouldn't cross the street to piss of the rest of them.
Wait till the kids start school. Oh dear oh dearie me.

OP, you are the first casualthy of the lingering death of this group. First over board. the rest will get picked of from within by hired assasins. Do not take it personally, they will waste no more of your time.

NinkyNonker · 08/11/2011 07:29

Some real hatred for the NCT here, I have never experienced any of that crap. Our local branch truly lives up to the ethos of supporting mothers.

lolaflores · 08/11/2011 07:34

ninkynoker alot of people have varying experiences. it is not hatred. how can you see it as hatred? Is that not a strong word to use for someone not finding it as supportive as you?

captainbarnacle · 08/11/2011 07:35

If your baby was screaming and crying, why did you leave him in his car seat? Why didn't you pick him up and walk around with him?

I hate those car seats exactly for that reason. A baby isn't going to stop crying whilst he's sat in one. I think the host couple were just trying to help you because you seemed a little overwhelmed?

exoticfruits · 08/11/2011 07:36

I found the NCT a life saver when I was in a new area, not knowing a soul, with a new baby.I have belonged to several groups over the years and they were all really nice people.
I think that perhaps you were being over sensitive and she was just trying to help, but if you don't like them you don't have to keep meeting.

Avantia · 08/11/2011 07:36

It was an 'NCT' lunch organised by NCT , it was organised by parents who have made friends through attending NCT classes.

YABU - they were trying to help . I doubt whether they pushed you out the door .

Avantia · 08/11/2011 07:38

Sorry should say ' IT was NOT a 'NCT lunch organised by NCT '

MoreBeta · 08/11/2011 07:44

minxofmancunia - I totally agree with you here:

"If you're going back to work, get a good nursery and you'll soon meet other like minded working parents and form friendships naturally."

It was only when DS1 started at nursery that we really found other parent friends. Many we are still friends with 11 years later.

NinkyNonker · 08/11/2011 07:51

"I really don't like the NCT, nearly every woman I know who has joined has been preached to about the virtues of natural birth and they never ever discuss c sections or bottle feeding. I think this enforces the failure feeling of many women in this country"

"the NCT is dreadful, what were you thinking of lunching with them"

"tries v.hard to give benefit of doubt to NCT member"

"The strong "we are right, the rest of the world is wrong" NCT ethos, is a strong binding medium, which all members of the group have in common else they wouldn't cross the street to piss of the rest of them."

I though these comments were all quite strongly worded. Similarly 'hatred' is a turn of phrase, would you rather I said 'dislike'? Antipathy? Scepticism? I'm sure people have bad experiences, as they do with many organisations, I just find it a little sad with the NCT when their ethos is such a good one, and so many people volunteer to make it work. I never went to any ante-natal classes, and have never needed their services but I know what great stuff they do in the area through friends who have. I trained as a BF peer supporter and was trained by one of their BF Counsellors and she was lovely, not judgemental etc. That's all.

sabrinathemiddleagedwitch · 08/11/2011 08:17

It doesn't sound that bad the way you describe it. It just sounds like a slightly socially awkward man trying to host a lunch larger than he is used to thinking he is being helpful to the woman who in his mind would, in his mind, obviously want to walk her crying, overtired baby and hasn't brought her own buggy. Maybe he is one of those people who really struggles to see another persons pov.

I think the bigger issue is you have realised that you don't actually enjoy spending time with these people. This is what tends to happen with baby friends. I used to be in a group of 12 mother who all had babies at the same time (met at toddler group). 3 of them I count amongst my best friends and I haven't seen any of the others for about 5 years, not because they are horrid, just because we haven't anything in common.

lolaflores · 08/11/2011 08:18

Fair enough NinkyNonker, for all that have found it a life saver, plenty have had an opposite experience.. I don't think it makes the case that one side is ever the full picture of anything. I think we should hear the people who have not felt helped by it, and wonder what is it that turns off some people and really enthuses others.
I didn't go near them through choice. I saw it as a meeting place and not much else. I am by nature not a joiner, so there is no way i would go near them. I knew myself it would not suit me. I have stayed in touch with 2 other women who had their babies alongside me 18 years ago. One is in Wales, one is in Australia. There was more than just the girls that we had in common, we loved each others company and friendship.
And there is a feeling that NCT can be a bit cultish to be honest. And I don't know where that has arisen from, but it is a strongly held view

BartletForAmerica · 08/11/2011 08:31

We covered bottle feeding and C-sections in our classes too.

Sounds like this was a group of people (whom you just happened to meet through the NCT) who were trying to be helpful. Perhaps they take their DC for walks when they have meltdowns so thought you wanted to as well, if only you had a pushchair.

SootySweepandSue · 08/11/2011 08:35

I do feel for you OP as I've done over a year of these types of meets and they are bloody painful. You were not treated with empathy and that's hard with a young baby, especially one with reflux.

See how the next meet goes and if you still feel the same just limit the contact.

Personally I hate it when people say NCT was their saviour/met lifelong friends etc as I'm so jealous! it's just as much of an unrealistic expectation as a trouble-free natural birth...

TheQueenOfDeDead · 08/11/2011 08:39

Crikey there is a lot of strong feeling re the NCT .

I can't really see the relevance of it being NCT, you were just having lunch with a bunch of other first time parents.

If you didn't want to go for a walk you should have said so - you can't expect someone to know that "I don't have my buggy" = "I don't want to go for a walk". They were being helpful by letting you use theres.

Like it or not a screaming baby is irritating to listen to at length.

cocoachannel · 08/11/2011 08:54

My NCT classes covered C-sections and epidurals in A LOT of detail, which was lucky as in the end only one of the eight babies was a VB with no drug pain relief. The rest of us had a mix of CSs, inductions and epidurals.

My DD is eight months and most of the NCT events I've been too have been great, and my group is very supportive of one another, especially at the moment as a fewvof us gear up for going back to work. Only once at an NCT event have I had someone be rude about the fact I was bottle feeding (breast milk as it happened, but that's by the by), and she'd have been a bitch wherever I'd met her.

Anyway, back to the point at hand. I do wonder whether the hosts were trying to be helpful.

AitchTwoOh · 08/11/2011 09:03

the NCT element is only relevant to the fact that you barely know these people, OP.

i do think that this has been a misunderstanding, that the dad was being male-practical (ah, she doesn't have a buggy, i can sort that). tbh though, if someone's baby was screaming in a refluxy way (absolute TORTURE for all concerned, including you) and didn't pick up their baby to comfort them i would find that a bit weird and upsetting and want you to do something else other than shoogle them in a car seat.

Ephiny · 08/11/2011 09:15

I think they probably were trying to be helpful, if maybe a bit pushy about what they thought you should do. But then maybe you weren't very assertive or didn't seem to know what to do or what you wanted to do, and some people have the kind of personality where they wade in and take over in that sort of situation!

If you don't get on with them and don't enjoy spending time with them though - don't feel obliged! I agree you can just invite the ones you do like, no need for it to be all-or-nothing with that group just because you all happened to be in the same NCT group or have your babies at around the same times!

Sleepyspaniel · 08/11/2011 09:21

I think you could/should have said "No thanks, I don't want to take him for a walk, I'll just try to calm him down here". Even when the buggy was ready and waiting. It's more a question of you asserting yourself adequately, I think you are more annoyed with yourself for this than upset with them.

I think it sounds more like they are over zealous parents than trying to kick you out. I imagine taking their baby for a walk in the pram works for them and they assume rightly or wrongly that it would work for you too and were keen to demonstrate this. Also it may have looked like you weren't doing much to calm your baby (even if you were) by not picking him up and keeping him in his carseat, so they were giving you (rightly or wrongly) a nudge into doing something a bit more proactive/different.

I do think you sound a bit "them and us" so for that reason alone I would only contact the one or two people in the group you do like and arrange to meet up for coffee/have them over to your house alone. Drop the rest of the group. DON'T slag them off though, just say "Oh I find it hard to keep up with large groups". You never know when they might appear at your sons's primary school and he could become best friends with their DSs/DDs which makes for awkward play dates if they heard you slagged them off

Sleepyspaniel · 08/11/2011 09:25

On a seperate NCT note, bottle feeding and CSs were not covered at all in our NCT class. At all. We "ran out of time" for that. We did however have a knitted boob and cotton wool display of which half the 2 day course was spent squeezing, passing round the group and doing group activities about

Whatmeworry · 08/11/2011 09:28

NCT - 'nuff said....

But OP, just perhaps your continually howling baby was being very annoying and you weren't picking up on people's frustration?

ChristinedePizanne · 08/11/2011 09:32

NCT groups vary enormously from place to place. What lolaflores says is spot on - they can be great if you fit but if you don't, they can be fairly miserable.

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 08/11/2011 09:41

I think you were unreasonable to be upset.

Baby crying. They suggest walk. You say you don't have buggy (eg that's why you cant do that) They provide solution to your cited problem. You get pissed off with them= unreasonable

However if you don't want to stay friends with them, it's not unreasonable not to, but I wouldn't let this incident be the deal breaker.

Avantia · 08/11/2011 09:43

Its the same with any group of 'friends' surely - great if you fit in not if you don't. NCT groups don't have the monopoly on that.

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