Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Basically kicked out of an NCT lunch as my baby was crying

167 replies

ozpom73 · 07/11/2011 19:47

In my NCT group there are 8 couples, each of us having had our babies a few months ago. One couple offered to host lunch at their place just over a week ago. My husband was working, so I went alone.

My 20 week old DS had a mini meltdown - he was tired and didn't want a nap and was possibly over-stimulated. Everyone hadn't arrived yet, so it was still at the drinks/nibbles part. The hostess suggested I take DS for a walk. I explained I didn't have my buggy. Before I understood what the hell had happened, her husband had brought out her buggy chassis and attached my DS's carseat to it. I was promptly ushered out of the front door. I stood there, rather dumstruck by what had occurred - was I really just kicked out because DS was crying?

Please bear in mind that it was an NCT lunch - every adult there was a parent. My DS is the oldest at 20 weeks and was certainly NOT the only baby who had a meltdown before/during/after that.

I don't know why, but I did return and did go back inside and stay for lunch - perhaps I was hungry? Perhaps I had over-reacted?

What is interesting is that every other friend who is also a parent that I've told that story to since has been horrified and said that my NCT 'friend' was really rude.....I now have no interest in maintaining a friendship with this group as a whole. There are one or two women who I like, but one friend nailed it today when she asked me: 'If you didn't all have children, would you be friends with them - are they your sort of people?' - to which I've concluded, not really, no.

So, was I being unreasonable that I felt upset?

OP posts:
JamieComeHome · 07/11/2011 20:13

I agree with HandMini

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 07/11/2011 20:15

Hmm, odd.

It really could be interpreted that they were trying to help, but it came out all wrong. Anyway, you were there, so you'd know best.

You say that your baby wasn't the only one to have a melt-down. Why do you think they singled you out? What triggered the other melt-downs, how did the parents deal with them, and did the hosts step in to those in any way at all?

worraliberty · 07/11/2011 20:15

I think I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a spork and pour vinegar in the open sockets than go to lunch with a load of babies present Confused

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 07/11/2011 20:15

No, how silly, they were trying to help you out by offering you a well-known way of getting your baby to sleep (going for a walk) so that you could enjoy your lunch in peace. Gosh, people really can take umbrage at just about anything!

Hardgoing · 07/11/2011 20:15

YOu said you don't know why you returned- well, you had their buggy for starters.

I don't think you were thrown out, it must have taken five or ten minutes to discuss going for a walk, getting their buggy and fitting the car seat. No-one else was there, you weren't thrown out in front of everyone, you were offered the chance to take your screaming little one out for a walk, which you took, and then you came back and had a lunch with them.

As others have said, perhaps their manner was over-bearing but I don't think they threw you out in a nasty way.

Having said that, if you don't want to hang out with this group don't. I ditched my NCT gang when I realised they weren't very nice to me, and to others. Life is too short to have friends who you don't like and don't click with.

PessimisticMissPiggy · 07/11/2011 20:15

I agree that they were probably trying to be overly helpful and pushing how they would deal with that situation onto you.

My NCT group appears to be coming to a close now the babies are 6/7 months and mums are returning to work. It has become cliquey and I'm feeling like I'm getting the elbow big time. Yes, it smarts a little because it reminds me of school but I'm reasoning that we probably wouldn't have made friends if it wasn't for the babies, except for one girl who is lovely (and seems interested keeping in touch) and I'm going to make a special effort to build a friendship with her that doesn't just relate to our babies.

Can you invite the two you like over to yours one day for cake and coffee and see if anything develops from there?

Note2Self · 07/11/2011 20:18

Wankers! Nothing as unbearable as preciously perfect first time parents (harsh but true!).

Find a mum and baby group where there is tea, biscuits and laughs and nobody gives a shit about a few tears and sobs.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 07/11/2011 20:19

Clossaintjacques - the NCT itself is different from the Mums that make up the ante-natal groups, though. They don't necessarily espouse those views.

One of my group had a c-sec and insisted on being knocked out by general anaesthetic and woken up when the baby was there so as not to feel a single thing! Grin

redcamels · 07/11/2011 20:21
redwineformethanks · 07/11/2011 20:21

If you'd said you would prefer to stay, perhaps that would have been OK. As it was, you suggested you couldn't go for a walk because you didn't have a buggy, so they lent you one.

Maybe your baby was likely to wake up all the others and they wanted to try to avoid that

redwineformethanks · 07/11/2011 20:22

If you'd said you would prefer to stay, perhaps that would have been OK. As it was, you suggested you couldn't go for a walk because you didn't have a buggy, so they lent you one.

Maybe your baby was likely to wake up all the others and they wanted to try to avoid that

Tigresswoods · 07/11/2011 20:24

YABU. I think they were trying to help.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 07/11/2011 20:24

OP - maybe it's worth giving them the benefit of the doubt in this instance, and a second chance?

If you're on the receiving end of similar treatment again, then ditch.

NellyMelba · 07/11/2011 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

gordyslovesheep · 07/11/2011 20:27

if you don't like them don;t be friends with them - it's simple

regarding the NCT - still see my lot 9 years on - and yes we did openly discuss c-section and bottle feeding in our classes :)

I also see the lot I met through my last child Via sure start - they also failed to live up to their stereotype Grin

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 07/11/2011 20:28

Or maybe she wasn't NellyMelba - rather catty thing to say... Hmm

Original poster
ozpom73 · 07/11/2011 20:40

Wow - such a diverse range of comments, many of which have made gross assumptions. There have also been some thoughtful responses, so I thank those people.

  1. Yes, perhaps they were trying to be helpful - there certainly wasn't a discussion, five minutes or otherwise as to whether a walk was required/helpful, etc - it all happened very quickly.
  2. I said I didn't have my buggy as a polite way of saying I didn't wish to go for a walk (which was obviously not clear).
  3. No other babies were asleep, all were awake and crying at various points themselves.
  4. When I mentioned that not everyone had arrived, I meant one more couple, everyone else who was coming had arrived.
  5. I'm not a 'fussing' or 'flapping' sort of person - I was very quietly attending to my son - I had him in his carseat, facing away from all action. I was gently rocking him on and off.
  6. Whilst he did go to sleep on the walk, he woke up the second we returned, so no peaceful lunch, my DS has severe reflux, which usually requires him to be upright after a feed for at least 30 minutes to help prevent acid building up and causing him pain and vomiting - any parent with a child who has had (or does have) G.O.R.D knows what I mean here.
  7. I guess you did have to be there, I took great pains to state the facts as they occurred, yet some of the above comments have read much more into what occurred.
  8. I don't agree that the NCT only discusses natural childbirth - I had an elective C-section (that ended up becoming an emergency C-section for many reasons). C-sections were certainly covered in our class.
9.There are certainly one or two women within the group who I would like to maintain a friendship with, whom I'd not have met without the NCT.

I hope that clarifies any questions some of you have asked.

OP posts:
schmee · 07/11/2011 20:58

Gosh you sound really serious and upset by all this. You've got a baby with reflux - that's really hard. We're all programmed to find the sound of a crying baby very difficult to listen to without taking action. That means a crying baby raises everyone's stress levels.

If I'd been there, I'd have probably found it really hard not to offer to pick your baby up. That's my reaction to the sound of a crying baby. But everyone is different. With baby groups you just have to work out if you are willing to put up with other people's approaches and suggestions. Only you can do that.

HandMini · 07/11/2011 21:08

OK, if you made yourself clear that you didn't want to go for a walk and you wanted to continue to comfort your baby in the room, and they still bundled you out "under pressure" then that's pretty odd behaviour by them.

End of the day, you can either put this incident behind you, give the host couple the benefit of the doubt, and carry on seeing your group, or just sod it, and find other like minded people to be with.

I'm so sorry to hear about your baby's reflux - haven't experienced it first hand, but I know from friends that it's a really difficult few months.

minxofmancunia · 07/11/2011 21:12

OP YANBU, my firstborn had severe reflux and colic, I had PND and OCD postnatally, I was soon "not asked" to the picture perfect baby meetings, didn't take long. It doesn't do to not have the "my life is perfect and glossy facade" in NCT groups judging by mine and my proper friends experiences. A close mate of mine is having a similar experience of being ostracised by her precious princess NCT friends. Esp when she said she was, shock horror, looking forward to going back to full time work.

If you're going back to work, get a good nursery and you'll soon meet other like minded working parents and form friendships naturally. If you're SAH then you're at the mercy of Mum and baby groups, but if you go to a few you may find there's one that's ok...maybe.

Goldenbear · 07/11/2011 23:51

Even after more detail, it still sounds like they were trying to help. Maybe they're precious about their furniture and wanted your baby to get to sleep so he wasn't sick over everything - maybe the brutul truth! i have a reflux baby who is 7 1/2 months and still sick alot.

Or, at, 5mmmmmmmmbzzvpuogct$mmmcx$dfg u

LorainneK · 08/11/2011 00:02

They were probably trying to be kind. But I would have been offended too. If you don't like them really then maybe just socialise with them a bit less. Don't drop them completely, it is always good to stay in touch with other mothers.

piprabbit · 08/11/2011 00:06

Not really an NCT lunch at all by the sound of it. More of an informal meal with friends (who you happened to meet at NCT).

I really don't think you can blame the NCT for the peculiar behaviour of your hostess and her DH.

two4one · 08/11/2011 00:23

All of my NCT group have returned to work. There are a lot of stereotypes being described here. Mine were a pretty nice bunch, not soul mates, for sure, but pleasant enough to chat babies with for the first few months.

"It doesn't do to not have the "my life is perfect and glossy facade" in NCT groups..."

At least one girl in our group talked of having PND and everyone talked quite openly about life being far from perfect and easy. I think sometimes the ones who distance themselves perceive they are being judged because it is in fact they who are doing the judging of both themselves and everyone else.

FWIW I don't see why others should have to listen to your baby screaming just because you have to. If mine had been that upset, I'd have felt so self-conscious I'd have left voluntarily and wouldn't have waited for the nudge.

Oh, and 5 minutes is actually a long time to be "discussing" whether to take your baby for a walk.

I think YABU, clearly you don't like these people. Fair enough - just don't see them anymore.

Oh yes... and IME NCT definitely does cover c-section. Which is good, as 3/8 of our lot had one!

startail · 08/11/2011 00:57

Neatfreak summed up exactly in about the third post.
Dad was nervous, wanted event to be a success, didn't want you feeling embarrassed. Managed to put his foot in it.
My lovely NCT group ( we just had a ten year reunion) were mostly 30 + professionals, they are used to being in control. For people normally confident in their own abilities small babies are extremely unsettling, stressful alien beings.
Give them a chance, even the Mum who swore by the book that cannot be named has, with a second child and a new job, mellowed into very good company.