Basically kicked out of an NCT lunch as my baby was crying

[ozpom73]

In my NCT group there are 8 couples, each of us having had our babies a few months ago. One couple offered to host lunch at their place just over a week ago. My husband was working, so I went alone.

My 20 week old DS had a mini meltdown - he was tired and didn't want a nap and was possibly over-stimulated. Everyone hadn't arrived yet, so it was still at the drinks/nibbles part. The hostess suggested I take DS for a walk. I explained I didn't have my buggy. Before I understood what the hell had happened, her husband had brought out her buggy chassis and attached my DS's carseat to it. I was promptly ushered out of the front door. I stood there, rather dumstruck by what had occurred - was I really just kicked out because DS was crying?

Please bear in mind that it was an NCT lunch - every adult there was a parent. My DS is the oldest at 20 weeks and was certainly NOT the only baby who had a meltdown before/during/after that.

I don't know why, but I did return and did go back inside and stay for lunch - perhaps I was hungry? Perhaps I had over-reacted?

What is interesting is that every other friend who is also a parent that I've told that story to since has been horrified and said that my NCT 'friend' was really rude.....I now have no interest in maintaining a friendship with this group as a whole. There are one or two women who I like, but one friend nailed it today when she asked me: 'If you didn't all have children, would you be friends with them - are they your sort of people?' - to which I've concluded, not really, no.

So, was I being unreasonable that I felt upset?

SQ not everyone thinks like you. I would have been mortified and upset and desperate to get my baby to stop crying so I could have a chat and not feel like the useless mum whose baby screams all the time. If I was in that situation I would have gladly taken the buggy and been very grateful to them.

I don't think they were deliberately being rude. They were anxious too about hosting a lunch.

But the hosts were trying to help. Fair enough f they'd sat there, looked up from their coffee and said "I think you need to take him out for a bit - see you later". But they tried to offer a solution, an the OP wasn't assertive enough to decline.

I do love the word 'shoogle' :o

My nhs classes instituted meet ups etc, they were quite well attended. I don't go any more though.

Yes, I might steal it! Very descriptive.

The NCT doesn't get it 100% right and neither does the NHS. I found the NHS ante-natal groups too impersonal with no real discussion, just a group of men and women listening to midwives telling you what your birth will be like.

There should not be the pressure to remain friends with your ante-natal group. Many do but others don't. I didn't with my particular group but I did make friends with the NCT coffee group. However I felt no pressure to make friends either. What I did gain was a better understanding of my rights, of my body and of pain relief, which was much more important to me.

YABU

They were trying to help. You didn't say you didn't want to go for a walk, just that you didn't have a buggy, which sounds like "good idea, I would like to but shame I don't have a buggy". They gave you one and thought you would be grateful! I don't think the walk was a weird suggestion seeing as you were just rocking your DC in a car seat and not picking up.

Sounds like you are taking offence where it really is not necessary.

But it's not really a "social event" as in a usual social event, or an event with one baby there. It's a post natal meet up, where normal rules are to some extent suspended as there are so many babies there it's never going to be quiet.

Our post natal meet ups were about support and being kind to each other - as we were all getting to grips with being a new parent, and it was hard, and we were all tired. And the reason of course you do it is because it is better to meet up with people who will be understanding if your baby cries and anyway there's another one over there, then people without children of with children of different ages who are not at that stage.

Also all this talk of refusing and being assertive - when you are sleep deprived with a young baby - let alone one with reflux, it is sometimes hard to be like that. You don't know where you are or what you're doing half the time. Which is another reason for post-natal groups - to be with people who understand that.

aitch - if you read the post, most people were there, only 1 couple was yet to arrive.

I can just imagine the hostess saying "DP - can you sort the pushchair out for oxpom so she can take Jnr out for a walk around the block?".

The DP presents the buggy without understanding that the OP doesn't actually want to go for a walk (although heavens knows why not).

Op takes offence and assumes she's been kicked out.

The default surely when a baby kicks off in a social setting is to remove them - for their sake (to calm them down - you suggested yourself OP that he might have been overstimulated) and the sake of company.

Babies' cries have evolved to be as irritating and therefore hard to ignore as possible. Hence they can seem unbearable.

you can't have it all ways, sardinequeen, many people on here have said that they thought the dad was trying to be kind in offering the buggy.

tbh it was never embarrassment that made me remove a crying baby, it was the fact that i was her mother and she needed me and me alone if she was upset. being 'rocked' (more like shaken) in a car seat in a room with other people would not have calmed my two down. they needed either a walk or to be cuddled while staring at a white wall* in a quiet room. the OP says that the baby was over-stimulated.

• a tip i read on here, btw. THANKYOU to whoever posted it, saved my life on numerous occasion.

it doesn't say that in the OP, lancaster. are you the OP?

Sounds to me like it could've been a mis-understanding. dh and I had a similar 'ushering out' kerfufffle early in our relationship ending with me driving home in tears thinking I'd been shoved out of the door and dh standing in his hallway scratching his head wondering why I'd rushed off so abruptly.

I suppose that in our group we treated each other with real care and kindness, and understanding.

I also don't think that it is usual in a postnatal situation to immediately remove crying babies - the crying babies are the reason you're all there. Everyone sits around feeding, changing, jiggling, looking foxed, looking stressed and so on. Certainly in our NHS post natal group people weren't expected to leave the room if the babies cried, either at the official meetings or the unofficial ones at people's houses.

All of this is really outside my experience, basically. I am glad that I met my postnatal group - they were lovely and we were all meeting as a group of about 15 2 years after the babies.

Yes, I got the white wall/drape a muslin over pushchair tip here too. I always found a sling to be a lifesaver in these circumstances.

This is just the sort of thing I could see DH doing, in a practical, me solve problem way. He certainly would never mean offence

op: "4. When I mentioned that not everyone had arrived, I meant one more couple, everyone else who was coming had arrived."

But how could you relax and enjoy yourself while tour child was screaming and unhappy? I mean, they're your priority so how can you relax in that scenario?

"she needed me and me alone if she was upset. being 'rocked' (more like shaken) in a car seat in a room with other people would not have calmed my two down. they needed either a walk or to be cuddled while staring at a white wall* in a quiet room"

Your babies. You can't assume that everyone's babies respond the same as your babies, or that you know better than their parents. OPs child was not asleep after the walk, it didn't help one bit, apart from make OP feel like shit.

care and kindness, and understanding might mean helping someone wh didn't have their pushchair take their baby for a stroll, surely?

POst natal group meetings with young babies aren't about relaxing IME and IMO.

There are always babies crying. You have a room with 10 or 15 babies in it, some are going to be crying. The very nature of a post natal meetup means it will not be relaxing. Unless by some fluke they all go to sleep at the same time! Anyone who goes to a post-natal group expecting a relaxing peaceful time and some quality social interaction is barking up the wrong tree IMO.

But that is what you said she would be wanting, to be able to air and chat etc etc. How can you just sit and chat over a screaming baby?

The OP may have looked frazzled and concerned and at a lss to stop her baby from being upset. She looked like she needed help and someone to take control? Mayb because her husband was at work the host was even more aware she needed practical support.

If it's rude to offer practical help,then t's also rude to le your baby scream in company. This wasn't a toddler group - it was lunch at someone's house!

YES... my babies...

so maybe, just maybe, the host and hostess thought that, based on their own experience with their children, that the OP would appreciate them helping out with providing a buggy?

you really cannot have this all ways, sardinequeen.

and some people were yet to arrive, so the lunch hadn't started yet,. i don't get the big deal here at all. the more time i spend on MN lately the more i see people manking their lives unnecessarily difficult by perceiving harm and offence at every turn.

Sorry, sit, not air.