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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for money back from a friend? Mumsnet jury please.

134 replies

LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 11:38

Need your votes please.

I have a very good friend. Over 10 years ago, when we starting out in our careers, I lent her quite a lot of money (£1,800) to buy a second hand car, as she could not do her new job without it. I had also just started my career but had had a really big contract and could afford to lend it to her. The deal was always that it was a loan and that she would pay it back. This was all pre marriage and babies etc.

Now, I am married with 2 DCs. I still work and my DH has a good job. She is engaged. She and her Dfiancé do not earn as much as we do, and indeed often complain about being skint, not having the money to pay for their wedding etc.

I am ridiculously bad at asking for this money back. A few years ago, she inherited quite a large sum of money and said she was going to 'pay off her debts'. Great, I thought, I'll get my money back. But she just paid off her credit cards. Then once I asked her to pay it back and she agreed to set up a direct debit of £20 a month and it never happened. I really value our friendship and don't want to rock the boat. it's such a hard subject to raise.

I think that the bottom line is that I feel bad asking her for the money when her set up means she is not as well off as me (by the way we are not rich, just better off than her). £1800 is a great deal of money to me and I would dearly love to have it back. AIBU unreasonable to ask for it back given that she does struggle a bit (mind you, she and fiance do work and they have no kids).

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 07/11/2011 11:41

Of course YANBU. How can you possibly be unreasonable to ask for what belongs to you when there is a person her that has taken money from you and just forgotten about it. Friends just don't do that to eachother, she should be ashamed of herself.

I would be demanding it back, and telling her that if she doesn't pay it back by the end of they year, I would be going to a solicitor about it.

ladyintheradiator · 07/11/2011 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swankyswishing · 07/11/2011 11:42

Why do you value your friendship with her when she has blatently taken the piss out of you? I would do as Slavetofilofax says and tell her you will take legal action. You could go via the small claims court.

Original poster
LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 11:45

I do value her friendship. I know I should have had a plan in place, but at the time it was all very "now I've got this job I will pay you back really soon" and I really thought she would. I just have in the back of my mind the thought that she'll think that it is unfair to ask for the money back when she is still not very well off.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/11/2011 11:45

Not much a friend is she ?

I would sacrifice this "friendship" to get my money back, tbh, although I would have done it a lot sooner than this

She is obviously relying on you being too squeamish to keep asking her for it

I would ask her one more time, making it quite clear your continued friendship relies on it. Be very clear about how/when she repays and be prepared to walk away from her for ever if she doesn't comply

You should have done this a long time ago, though

Iggly · 07/11/2011 11:51

Why didn't you chase her re the direct debit.

Sounds like she's trying to head off any further requests by going on about being skint.

You need to ask for it back and get regular payment sorted. Keep it business like - no need to refer to her financial situation, that's not your problem.

If she doesn't pay you back, then I'd consider ending the friendship. She's taking the piss and I bet she knows it.

Pascha · 07/11/2011 11:54

I agree with Anyfucker. You have to put pressure on her to give the money back or lose your friendship.

I think there is a good chance you will never see most of the money back though.

SootySweepandSue · 07/11/2011 11:56

You need to be tougher with yourself and her. She has really taken advantage of you! Tell her you are skint and need a solid plan to get the money back. If she refuses take legal action. £1800 is a huge amount you could have 3 holidays on that or buy your groceries for months!

I have binned a friend for similar things although she was not a great friend to start off with.

Don't let people walk over you please.

Original poster
LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 11:56

OK, I'm going to grow a backbone. I am really concerned about not getting all the money back. Should I ask her to pay back the whole lot in one go, or some each month? AIBU to ask her to pay it back in one lump sum (or two or three) but not £5 a month for the rest of eternity?

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 07/11/2011 11:56

Agree that you should ask for it back. I would say that something important has come up and you need it. A true friend would have given it back to you before now and repaying you should take priority over wedding plans and everything else.

A loan is just that, a loan, not a gift. Be prepared for your 'friendship' to suffer though, because she sounds as if she believes you should just give her this money because you have more than she does and doesn't seem to get that it is not her right to keep it.

AMumInScotland · 07/11/2011 11:56

You need to ask for it back. Actually you need to tell her she is going to pay it back, and not let it sound like there is more than one possible answer.

Why on earth didn't you bring it up when she had money to pay off her debts?! Do it now - the friendship isn't going to survive anyway if you have this festering in the background. If it didn't bother you, you'd have decided long ago to recategorise it as a gift, and wouldn't even be thinking of it. But you know it was a loan and you know she ought to value you enough to repay it.

So next time you see her you need to say "That £1800 I lent you - I really need it back now. Are you in a position to give it all back next month, or do you want to do it over the next 6 months?" Then the only thing up for discussion is how much over how many months.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/11/2011 11:57

I think 3 or 4 instalments, if she cannot pay it all at once. Not £5 a week for eternity.

SootySweepandSue · 07/11/2011 11:57

Ps- if she is 'not very well off' she should not be spending money on a wedding when she has large outstanding debts to you.

AMumInScotland · 07/11/2011 11:59

X posts - I'd say it should be £100 a month minimum. £20 a month is nothing - she'd be paying you back for another 7 years!

BluddyMoFo · 07/11/2011 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngel · 07/11/2011 12:00

YANBU She's not much of a friend if she hasn't even attempted to repay you the money.

AnyFucker · 07/11/2011 12:01

3 instalments sounds fair

be prepared to push, push, push though

leave your British "good manners" behind...she is taking advantage of them

AnyFucker · 07/11/2011 12:02

the old adage "never a borrower nor a lender be..."

it works well

Original poster
LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 12:03

OK, I don't think I can speak to her directly about it. What about an email like this:
"Dear Friend. It has now been a really long time since I lent you £1800 to buy a car. It was only a loan, and I would now like you to pay it back in full. I'd be grateful if you could let me know if you can pay it back all at once, or whether you need a few months to do it. Sorry to have to ask you about this, but it was a very long time ago now! Thanks."

?

I am worried if I say "something important has come up" she might say what is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 12:04

and I am never lending money to a friend again.

OP posts:
sillymillyb · 07/11/2011 12:05

Just want to add my two pennies worth that it might be worth asking for this is writing over an email so that you can refer back to it in future if needs be.

I understand how sensitive it can be asking for money back, so maybe you could approach it in a way that seems like you doing it for her own good? "I know owing me this money must be hanging over you so why don't you set up a direct debit for £100 a month, unless you'd rather pay me in a lump sum? My bank account details are....."

She has really taken the piss, you seem like a really lovely friend :)

fedupofnamechanging · 07/11/2011 12:07

Fair enough - you shouldn't really have to lie in order to get back what is rightfully yours, although it does soften the 'request' if she thinks you do need it, rather than taking it back from her when she perceives that her 'need' is greater than yours.

I think your email is basically okay, but I'd be tempted to leave out the 'in full'.

Iggly · 07/11/2011 12:09

You don't have to justify why you want the money back.
I probably would remove the reference to it being a long time ago - she knows that. Something like:

"Dear X, I'm emailing to ask you to pay back the £1800 loan. Ideally I'd like it all back as soon as possible, although instalments over a (x) month period would be fine. Let me know which suits you. Many thanks"

AnyFucker · 07/11/2011 12:10

That email is too apologetic

it leaves her loopholes to wriggle off the hook

it's not her businesss why you are demanding the money back now

don't enter into any apologies/discussions at all

could I suggest a better way to word it ?

"Dear Friend

I lent you £X. This was a loan, not a gift.

I now feel pushed by your inaction into telling you I want it back in 3 instalments of £X, due on X date, X date and X date.

I am disappointed to be having to contact you in this way, but you leave me no choice.

Please give me the respect I deserve as a friend by confirming these arrangements.

Yours, X"

Lucyinthepie · 07/11/2011 12:11

Keep everything in case you need to take more formal action against her at some point. She knows she owes the money and is no friend of yours at this stage imho.