AIBU to ask for money back from a friend? Mumsnet jury please.

[LeNameChange]

Need your votes please.

I have a very good friend. Over 10 years ago, when we starting out in our careers, I lent her quite a lot of money (£1,800) to buy a second hand car, as she could not do her new job without it. I had also just started my career but had had a really big contract and could afford to lend it to her. The deal was always that it was a loan and that she would pay it back. This was all pre marriage and babies etc.

Now, I am married with 2 DCs. I still work and my DH has a good job. She is engaged. She and her Dfiancé do not earn as much as we do, and indeed often complain about being skint, not having the money to pay for their wedding etc.

I am ridiculously bad at asking for this money back. A few years ago, she inherited quite a large sum of money and said she was going to 'pay off her debts'. Great, I thought, I'll get my money back. But she just paid off her credit cards. Then once I asked her to pay it back and she agreed to set up a direct debit of £20 a month and it never happened. I really value our friendship and don't want to rock the boat. it's such a hard subject to raise.

I think that the bottom line is that I feel bad asking her for the money when her set up means she is not as well off as me (by the way we are not rich, just better off than her). £1800 is a great deal of money to me and I would dearly love to have it back. AIBU unreasonable to ask for it back given that she does struggle a bit (mind you, she and fiance do work and they have no kids).

Thanks in advance.

Don't say that something has come up, unless it has. You need her to pay it back because it is your money and it ought to be in your account, not because of something specific. If you make an excuse, she'll sense weakness and ask, and you'll back down.

The 'friendship' will definitely be over though, if she sends that. Personally, I wouldn't consider it a loss, but the OP seems fond of her and would like to keep the relationship and get her money back.

I am like you - would prefer to do it by email rather than face to face. I'm a chicken when it comes to potential confrontation.
I think your email is good, if a littly woolly. I think it should be more specific, why not say
"Dear friend. It has now been 10 years since I lent you £1800 to buy a car. We agreed it would be a loan, and I would now like it repaid. Can you repay in full by the end of this month, or would you prefer to pay £200 per month for the next six months? This will get the debt cleared before your wedding, which I'm sure will be a relief to you.
Speak to you soon
LNC"
Maybe you should leave the last sentence out, as it is not relevant, but you may prefer to include it as it makes the email slightly more friendly IYSWIM.

Oh anyfucker I am worried that your email would mean the end of my friendship.

Gosh, you know I can actually be quite assertive usually. But this whole issue has me all tied up in knots. OK I am going to email her, and will post back her response.

Email is good. Sometimes when you speak face to face, it's easy to get flustered. Email gives you time to choose your words carefully.

Good luck. You are doing the right thing. It is not a true friendship if she doesn't respect you.

Well, I couldn't value the friendship of someone who has kept hold of my money for 10 years, so it wouldn't matter to me, tbh

I don't expect Robin Hood had many friends, so unless she has distributed your money to the poor, she is a thief and you should be thinking in those terms I am afraid

think i would speak to her.

'friend, i need to speak to you about this. I lent you that car money a long time ago, and I need it back. I guess i was expecting it back by now, and although i know you are struggling, it was a loan, and it's time we sorted it out'

After 10 years, she has forced you to make a choice between her friendship of getting your money bak

she has successfully swerved you for 0 fucking years so she won't cough up now without more of the same emotional blackmail and frankly astounding thick-skinned ability to ignore the fact she has your money

I still think you have to make a choice (or it will end like that)...your friendship or your money

now some people will pay for friendship...are you one of them ?

OK, I have done it:

Dear X. It?s now been 10 years or so since I lent you £1800 to buy [X's - a friend was selling hers] car. We agreed that it would be a loan, and I would really like it repaid now. Could you pay it back to me in one lump sum? Alternatively, £300 over six months would also be fine.

I?m sure it will be a relief to both of us to have it sorted out!

love from LeName Change."

Am crossing my fingers now and feel sick.

10 fucking years of course

I would not send that email you wrote, OP. Why are you justifying and apologising to this "friend"? No wonder your goodwill has been exploited!

Iggly's version is much more acceptable, IMHO - although still 9 years too late and quite friendly compared to what I'd have sent.

You lent someone 1800 10 years ago, and in that time you have mentioned repayment of the loan once and her not at all?
That is extraordinary. I would be incredibly pissed off in this situation. E mail her if you want but I can tell you now that she will ignore it, she obviously has some brass neck. Tell her to her face that you need the money back and that you are prepared to give her a few months to pay it back in installments but you need it all by x date. I think I would be pointing out to her that she is very fortunate you are not charging interest because thats what I would have doen if repayment had not been made in the first year.
TBH I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you. It will be very difficult to get this money out of her. Hope you have evidence of it, you may need to pursue it.

that second email is better

Thanks to those who said I sound lovely...

To those who say I am a lily-livered-loser. You are probably right. But here I am now, email sent and waiting. It could be a long wait, mind you. Must do some work, but promise to come back and update you.

That email was good.

Hope you get it back ASAP. What a pisstaker. Can't believe she's been grumbling about not having enough money for a wedding, while knowing she owes you £1800. She can't have forgotten.

Well done. I think that email sounds fine.

How often do you actually see her BTW?

who said you were a livey-livered-loser ?

fuck, my types are bad

typos

< throws laptop out of window >

I don't see her very often now, because we moved to different parts of the country. But she was one of my bridesmaids and she is lovely in lots of ways. My DH, by the way, has been trying to get me to do something about this for years...

Well done OP. I bet you're constantly checking your email, feeling quite restless waiting for her response.

I've lent someone money in the past too. I will never do it again. I didn't get it all back, and it was very uncomfortable (for me - not for her) whilst she was paying it back in instalments. What I'm saying is that I can understand how you gto into this position, and she has taken advantage of you by not agreeing a repayment plan with you and ignoring the debt.

Any fucker well no one used those words, but people have said I have been really rubbish for not doing it sooner.

Actually don't know why I am replying to you, your laptop is now lying in a million pieces on the pavement...