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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for money back from a friend? Mumsnet jury please.

134 replies

LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 11:38

Need your votes please.

I have a very good friend. Over 10 years ago, when we starting out in our careers, I lent her quite a lot of money (£1,800) to buy a second hand car, as she could not do her new job without it. I had also just started my career but had had a really big contract and could afford to lend it to her. The deal was always that it was a loan and that she would pay it back. This was all pre marriage and babies etc.

Now, I am married with 2 DCs. I still work and my DH has a good job. She is engaged. She and her Dfiancé do not earn as much as we do, and indeed often complain about being skint, not having the money to pay for their wedding etc.

I am ridiculously bad at asking for this money back. A few years ago, she inherited quite a large sum of money and said she was going to 'pay off her debts'. Great, I thought, I'll get my money back. But she just paid off her credit cards. Then once I asked her to pay it back and she agreed to set up a direct debit of £20 a month and it never happened. I really value our friendship and don't want to rock the boat. it's such a hard subject to raise.

I think that the bottom line is that I feel bad asking her for the money when her set up means she is not as well off as me (by the way we are not rich, just better off than her). £1800 is a great deal of money to me and I would dearly love to have it back. AIBU unreasonable to ask for it back given that she does struggle a bit (mind you, she and fiance do work and they have no kids).

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
HauntyMython · 07/11/2011 12:26

I wouldn't be surprised, FWIW, if she turns it round to make you look like the bad guy... Suddenly demanding the cash when the poor woman has a wedding to pay for... Hmm - be prepared for that and remember YOU are in the right here. Some people are just good at wriggling out of things and it sounds like she might be one of them. Be strong!

(sorry, irrelevant but I have the giggles now, when writing "strong" first I wrote "string" and then I missed out the n so autocorrect changed it to "stroganoff" Confused)

Be stroganoff, OP :)

IndieSkies · 07/11/2011 12:28

Well done for sending the email.

You have been a great friend, but the truth is that if she also values the friendship, she will be as keen to pay it back as you are not to upset her by asking for it. It really isn't an un reasonable request.

My way of valuing a friendship would be to do everything possible to pay back a loan from a mate.

I really hope that she honours the generosity that has been shown to her.

KatieMiddIeton · 07/11/2011 12:30

I see you've sent the email now but I am just ShockShockShock that it's been 10 years! You do know that banks and other creditors only have 6 years to claim their money back and there's no evidence of any loan agreement because no money has ever been repaid. Obviously that only matters if you go to small claims court which you don't plan to but still...

I don't think this is going to end well. All the thinking you'd get paid when she inherited but not asking. I expect she'll be really upset to get that email and then turn it back on you in a "why didn't you say anything?" way.

I really hope it works out for you I really do.

KatieMiddIeton · 07/11/2011 12:32

Yes I also thought the "friend" would turn it back on OP Haunty Sad

SharrieTBGinzatome · 07/11/2011 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KatieMiddIeton · 07/11/2011 12:34

Oh. I realise I wrote that in my first post Blush

AnyFucker · 07/11/2011 12:35

< sellotapes laptop back together >

my bad thoughts are reserved for your "friend", OP, not for you

MarthasHarbour · 07/11/2011 12:36

oh i feel sick for you, but well done, i hate any money ishoos between friends and this is a biggie.

keep us informed

Original poster
LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 12:36

I've just had a thought - what if she says "I just can't afford to pay you now, or over 6 months, I can only do £20 a month as previously agreed" - do I push it and ask for it all (she could borrow it from family or get a loan) or do I agree?

KatieMiddleton I don't plan to go to court over it. I think I'd honestly rather forget about the money. It's not my style, really.

OP posts:
CamperFan · 07/11/2011 12:40

I wouldn't agree - she's had 10 years to plan for this. I would say that £20 per month 10 years down the line is not acceptable and you need larger installments. If she is planning a wedding she is likely to have been saving. It's her responsibility to find that money, not yours.

whattodoo · 07/11/2011 12:42

If she offers a reduced monthly payment, I would tell her than the minimum I could accept is £50 per month, which would repay the debt in 3 years. You have been more than patient.
I suspect if she did get around to setting up a DD for £20, there would be excuses, weddings to pay for, 'payment holidays' while she's on mat leave etc etc. It'll be another 10 years (at least) before you see all of your money back.
I don't think it would be a good idea to lie about an emergency you need the money back for. And I don't think you can rely on her good nature to appreciate the 10 year interest free loan she's had from you.
Maybe you have to say that your DH is nagging you? Say you're trying to sort out your finances to start regular savings, pension, life insurance, will etc and the loan is causing a problem.

KatieMiddIeton · 07/11/2011 12:44

I know LeName but I was just thinking aloud really. You've decided to pursue it if she got nasty. No friend, no money is not really a winning situation.

Catsdontcare · 07/11/2011 12:45

But she didn't pay you back at £20 a month as previously agreed so I don't think you have to accomadate her there.

I would say to that "as I would like to draw a line under the issue as soon as possible I would like the whole amount to be repaid by XYZ"

KatieMiddIeton · 07/11/2011 12:46

According to the inflation calculator at www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/bills/article-1633409/Historic-inflation-calculator-value-money-changed-1900.html your £1800 is now worth £2232 in today's money...

ladyintheradiator · 07/11/2011 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuePurblybilt · 07/11/2011 12:46

Ten actual earth years? Wow.
Now you've sent the email, i think you'll have to brace yourself to see it through. And expect some 'just before Chriiiiiiisssstmas too whining from her.

ninedragons · 07/11/2011 12:47

Just say that wouldn't work for you, and she'll have to look at getting a bank loan. Tell her you're sorry, but you really need the money now.

TooEasilyTempted · 07/11/2011 12:51

She could get a bank loan.

She could borrow the money from her DP/family/another friend.

She could raid her 'wedding fund'.

She could take the money out on those credit cards that she cleared with her inheritance.

There's no way I'd accept anything less than £200 per month. Her financial affairs are not your concern. I assume she's not living like a pauper at the moment? She will have to have a few less nights out, do a bit of overtime, ease off on the clothes shopping, get a few less takeaways, sell some stuff on e-bay and put the wedding date back a bit. That part of it is really not your problem, all you should be concerned about is getting your money back within the next 6-12 months.

GetOrf · 07/11/2011 12:52

I really wouldn't accept £20 a month - that would take 7 and a half years to pay back. And let's face it, she will not keep up the repayments.

She will have to get a loan, or an overdraft or something. Yes that will cost her interest, which may remind her that to borrow money normally costs something, and she has had an interest free loan from you for 10 years.

I agree with anufucker, I wouldn't give a shit about the friendship, as by not paying you back she has treated you with contempt.

MsVestibule · 07/11/2011 12:53

According to the Bank of England inflation calculator, £1800 in 2000 is now worth about £2400, so she's bloody lucky you're not asking for interest! She's a cheeky cow, but I think you sound lovely AND a lily livered loser Wink. She doesn't deserve a generous friend like you.

£20 per month for the next million years is ridiculous now. If you're prepared to negotiate, I would say a minimum of £100pm. Unfortunately though, the sort of person who can happily take the piss like this, is the sort of person who will probably be prepared to choose to end your friendship rather than pay you back.

ChristinedePizanne · 07/11/2011 12:53

I think you're being more than fair. You haven't charged her any interest and she's just tried to pretend that it would go away which is a very unfair way to behave to a friend.

I would definitely not agree to more generous terms.

GandTiceandaslice · 07/11/2011 12:53

Your friend is a fucker. Hope you get your money back.
I couldn't borrow £10 without it playing on my mind, let alone £1,800!

LadyMontdore · 07/11/2011 12:55

If she asks to pay any less just stick your guns, you are being more than fair - mention not charging interest.

piratecat · 07/11/2011 12:55

well she will have to get a loan, she won't have the money, and you don't want to accept piddly amounts here and there.

Yet, you should have tacked this way before now. Getting your email today tho, just before xmas is prob going to mean the end of a friendship.

soandsosmummy · 07/11/2011 12:57

OP YANBU.

7 years ago I lent my friend £300 as a deposit on a place to live but said to him that he was not to worry about paying it back for now but one day in the future I might need the cash and ask him for it. At the time he was homeless, skint and basically had a suit case of stuff and the clothes he stood up in. Over time things got better for him but as he was still trying to build up and DP and i were quite comfortable I didn't ask him for the money as I'd pretty well given it to him knowing we could manage without it and he couldn't IYSWIM

Last May I got made redundant and he heard about it. Two days later he turned up on my doorstep with £330 in cash saying he'd been saving up for 3 1/2 years but remembered I'd said one day I may NEED the cash and now he thought i did so here it was with interest.

Decent friends look out for each other. You looked out for your friend when she needed help and now she should at least have the decency to pay you back.