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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for money back from a friend? Mumsnet jury please.

134 replies

LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 11:38

Need your votes please.

I have a very good friend. Over 10 years ago, when we starting out in our careers, I lent her quite a lot of money (£1,800) to buy a second hand car, as she could not do her new job without it. I had also just started my career but had had a really big contract and could afford to lend it to her. The deal was always that it was a loan and that she would pay it back. This was all pre marriage and babies etc.

Now, I am married with 2 DCs. I still work and my DH has a good job. She is engaged. She and her Dfiancé do not earn as much as we do, and indeed often complain about being skint, not having the money to pay for their wedding etc.

I am ridiculously bad at asking for this money back. A few years ago, she inherited quite a large sum of money and said she was going to 'pay off her debts'. Great, I thought, I'll get my money back. But she just paid off her credit cards. Then once I asked her to pay it back and she agreed to set up a direct debit of £20 a month and it never happened. I really value our friendship and don't want to rock the boat. it's such a hard subject to raise.

I think that the bottom line is that I feel bad asking her for the money when her set up means she is not as well off as me (by the way we are not rich, just better off than her). £1800 is a great deal of money to me and I would dearly love to have it back. AIBU unreasonable to ask for it back given that she does struggle a bit (mind you, she and fiance do work and they have no kids).

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

stabiliser15 · 07/11/2011 12:59

I am astonished people think it is ok to behave like this. I'm guessing the debtor is banking on your non-confrontational attitude to get away with never dealing with it and hoping it remains unmentioned.

As someone else who struggles to be assertive on their own behalf, can I just reiterate some of the good advice you have had on here, which is stick to your guns, dont apologise, and dont give reasons. None needed. Just repeat, ad infinitem if necessary, that it was a loan and it must be repaid.

For what its worth, no good friend would allow this situation to arise. A good friend would either pay it back as quickly as possible, or be profusely apologetic if circumstances meant it could not be, and ensure you knew there is no way they would dodge their responsibility. The exact reverse of what your "friend" has done.

valiumredhead · 07/11/2011 13:01

DO NOT SEND THAT EMAIL!!! - things like this should be done face to face and I'd be very surprised if she doesn't get the hump and point blank refuse to pay you back.

Sorry, but I think if you were going to get your money back you would've done so by now.

Anybody reasonable would've at least talked to you about a pay back plan. 10 years??? I mean wtf? The fact you have kept quiet probably hasn't helped as she must think if you haven't said anything you must be ok with it.

She sounds like a shit friend, really she does! No friend would do this.

Original poster

LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 13:05

I haven't kept quiet, to be fair. I have raised it with her once (direct debit suggestion) and she has mentioned it a few times too. She knows about it and probably feels bad.
No response yet though

OP posts:

GetOrf · 07/11/2011 13:06

And you are not a loser OP! You are just a very nice person, who doesn't like confrontation. There is nothing wrong with that - she has just taken advantage of your kindly nature.

nickelbabe · 07/11/2011 13:07

I agree that the minimum amount you should ask for is £200 a month.

You have lost out on interest for that money.

she borrowed from you because she expected never to pay it back, i guarantee that.

and I think if she comes back at you with excuses, you tell her straight that if she'd got a loan from the bank for that money, it would have cost her a lot more than the initial amount.

(oh, and I also wouldn't care whether she wanted to be my friend after this - this is not what a friend does)

valiumredhead · 07/11/2011 13:07

Pick up the phone - do not do this by email or you are asking for trouble IF you want to keep your 'friendship' - if you don't, email away!

nickelbabe · 07/11/2011 13:08

I think email's the best way of doing it, personally, because then there's a record that she's asked for it back.

duvetdayplease · 07/11/2011 13:08

I have to agree that a good friend wouldn't have left it unpaid for so long. Maybe through crisis but not with the inheritance.

I hope your email gets you somewhere, I'm keen to hear what reply you get!

LoopyLoopsRootyFroots · 07/11/2011 13:08

Yes I agree, phone her.

MustControlFistOfDeath · 07/11/2011 13:11

soandso that is true friendship

OP - no proper friend would allow it to go on this long. Especially as you have even broached it with her previously, my god has she no shame? I do hope you see at least some of your money. Good luck.

MustControlFistOfDeath · 07/11/2011 13:14

Maybe you should show her this thread OP...

5Foot5 · 07/11/2011 13:16

Do you have any proof that you lent her the money? Was there anything in writing between you at the time?

I am just concerned that if she now turns around and sayd she simply can't afford to pay you, or just does not respond to your emails, you will not have a leg to stand on.

valiumredhead · 07/11/2011 13:18

Can I have a little rant about emails/texts etc in place of proper conversation? However wrong your friend is OP this should NOT have been dealt with by email. It needed to be done face to face over a cuppa and sorted out properly. The email you sent is something you would send someone you don't give a fuck about and you have already said you want to keep this friendship. Friends should not use emails as an excuse for conversation!

Rant over!

Nesbo · 07/11/2011 13:22

Unfortunately lending a sizeable chunk of money sows the seed that destroys a lot of friendships. All too often the person asking feels humiliated, and the imbalance this causes can feed through to a resentment that the lender has access to money that they don't.

After months or years of the receiver telling themselves that the lender doesn't really need the cash, some argument will bring it all to a head. Suddenly the receiver thinks the lender was never a true friend, probably only lent the money to show off or have a hold over them, and before you know it they justify hanging on to it as "compensation" they are owed! I hope this isn't how it ends up for you OP.

They borrowed the money for a car, but by not paying it back that money has been funding all sorts of things for them ever since. Now it seems it is helping them pay to get married, but do you really think you ought to be contributing that amount to their wedding fund!

Frankly this is a debt they should clear before chucking cash at a wedding. You shouldn't feel bad at all, they have been stringing you along for years watching that debt inflate away.

stabiliser15 · 07/11/2011 13:23

valiumredhead I know what you're saying but sometimes it is extremely difficult to have those sorts of conversations and people feel more comfortable with a passive form of communication that allows them to say precisely what they mean without awkwardness, over-apologising or risking an argument. In an ideal world face-to-face is preferable, but not everyone feels able to handle that kind of conversation in the manner they would prefer, and in that situation, email is probably better.

AnyFucker · 07/11/2011 13:24

I agree with you valium

on the other hand, "friends" should not use other friends as a source of free cash

SharrieTBGinzatome · 07/11/2011 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

clam · 07/11/2011 13:26

Er, what about the fiance? Does he know about this? If they're pooling their finances as a soon-to-be-married couple, he may well put his two penn'orth in and say tough luck, it was too long ago.
Or he may be a decent bloke, and agree that the debt must be settled now.
FIngers crossed.

tobyrat · 07/11/2011 13:32

I'm afraid I would think really badly of a friend who borrowed money and didn't bother paying it back for 10 years!! I don't know how she can show her face. Appalling behaviour and if it costs you the friendship, she wasn't a true friend.

Nobody needs to be rich to get married. It's about £50 at the register office. Don't listen to those excuses!

valiumredhead · 07/11/2011 13:33

Oh I know and agree about the friend, she is bang out of order - truly shocking behaviour BUT the OP has said more than once she wants to keep the friendship therefore emails are not the way forward.

OP should've talked face to face, THEN sent the email if she didn't get the outcome she wanted.

All totally by the by now as she was already sent the email

MissJanuary · 07/11/2011 13:42

Your friend must have some brass neck not to have even offered you this money back before now - how you can still sthink of her as a "good friend" is beyond me,

When she comes back with her excuses why she cannot pay, please do use the inflation converter the other posters have listed here, just to show her what that money would actually be worth today, and the fact she won't even pay interest on it!

Does she still have the car from 10 years ago?

Be prepared to be more than firm to insist on your money back in installments not to run over the next 6 months - otherwise you may as well right this off, and the "good friendship".

I hate to see people bing taken advantage of in this way - she must be laughing behind your back bigtime - how awful for you.

Original poster

LeNameChange · 07/11/2011 13:45

Told you she was nice!

"I have just left you a voicemail about this on your mobile.... suffice to say I am so so sorry this has not been sorted out yet. I remember talking to you about it about 18 months ago and agreeing to repay it, but you never sent me your bank details then it all kind of got forgotten about again. I feel terrible about it. I'm having a think about whether I can afford one payment or need to spread it out, I need to have a look at my finances, but I can definitely do one or the other. Please can you send me your bank details and I'll get it sorted straight away."

Fingers crossed!

OP posts:

LadyMontdore · 07/11/2011 13:47

Good. Maybe she's on the thread too!

empirestateofmind · 07/11/2011 13:49

I am at people who don't repay loans. She is no friend if she doesn't reply to your e-mail positively and apologetically.

If you had invested the 1800 for ten years, assuming an average interest rate of 3%, it would now be worth 2419. So you have lost out on interest of 619.

Or you could have reduced your debts/mortgage by this amount ten years ago then you would have saved a larger amount.

Your friend has cost you a lot of money .

AnyFucker · 07/11/2011 13:49

"Action" not talk

Wait and see what she actually does

and not very "nice" to blame you for her forgetting about the small matter of £1800

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