to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

Sardine - I don't understand some of the views here either. And am actually quite shocked at those people who call the OP spoilt etc - just really odd.

In our family we help each other - and i really didn't think that was such a radical concept.

no it was for Op's mum to say at some point during the trial year and when op said are you sure because i am going to change my hours and all of that time - that actually she did not want this commitment and would not be able to guarantee her availability.

"I am a fairly independent person, and prior to my mum helping out with DD when she started school, I paid for all the childcare I used and didn't impose on my parents at all in that sense. They saw us regularly, but I was always happy with the fact I wasn't relying on them for childcare because I didn't want to be beholden to them. When my mum said she would help out with DD, I was reluctant to rely on her and didn't really make it a permanent part of my childcare until it had been in place for a year, and we were both happy that it was working. "

OP what does your mum say about this? Why doesn't she say to your dad - we can't go then as I have DGC on Friday, let's go on sat (or sun or the following weekend or whenever). What's going on?

The poor OP has repeatedly said that she does have backup options buit she needs more notice to make them work.

Being a lone parent working shifts or late hours is horrendous, and offers of help from relatives are wonderful and necessary. Which is precisely why being given short notice of a change is guaranteed to cause stress, not least because of the eye-rolling boss who inevitably blames the employee.

I once organised a babysitter till 11pm, reasonably expecting to finish work by 10.30pm, having started at 10.00am. I walked out of the job at 11.30pm. Apparently everyone else stayed and worked till 2am, because they could. It was a horrible experience for me. I got labelled as flaky despite having made arrangements right up until the time I could reasonably expect to be home; the babysitter was well pissed off at my being late; the 'boss' and my colleagues thought I had let them down; and I felt angry, guilty and upset.

I did get some changes made at work after that, though.

juule, I haven't had 12 mths to plan for this. I've got 1 week to deal with it. My mum hasn't been there to collect DD every friday for the past 12 mths. I have had to make arrangements to change things around to accommodate my mum and her plans to see friends, go away, work over time etc. which I've done without any problem at all. My mum hasn't let me down because she's given me notice when these things have come up since this arrangement has been in place, and I've been able to make alternative arrangements. And tbh, I'm not heavily dependent on my mum at all. It's 1 day a week. And not even a full day at that. It's not as though I am solely dependent on her to function is it? I can and do rely on alternative childcare when necessary, and it's not usually a problem as long as I have enough notice to do something about it.

diddle - the friends I could ask, who would help, have their own kids in ASC as they work. They live over an hour away, so they would struggle to get here in time, or be late collecting their own kids. The ASC I use phone social services if you are late collecting your kids - I really don't want to even go near that route. My other friend who I would ask, would be here in a heart beat but she doesn't have the transport to get her to collect DD.

Ideally everyone would have backup 24/7 365 days a year but life doesn't always work that way.

Banana - YANBU at all. I don't think you come across as entitled or selfish. You took a 12 month trial of the situation before committing to this contract which your dm agreed to. It is not the fact that they want to go away, it is the short notice that is causing the problem. I am actually really shocked at the vitriol from some posters. Before my dd1 started school DM looked after her 2 days a week - they both loved it and yes my mum went away during the 3yrs this arrangement was in place but never booked anything without first making sure I (or dp) could have the time off. Surely it's just what families do?? Those of you saying she's BU - fast forward 10,20 years to when your dc have children - would you really do this to them? I know I wouldn't.

OP I know this won't help for this time but you mentioned you also work 9-9 on a Monday. What is your childcare arrangement for that day? Would it be conceivable to change it round so you have that childcare on a Friday and your DM has your dd on a Monday. Less likely to clash with any future weekend away plans that way. Your Dad sounds like an arse. I hope you can get this resolved.

Pay for a cab for friend who would do it to go and collect DD?

sardine, I don't know why my mum hasn't said anything. The thing is, she was talking about this on the thursday, and in the discussion I specifically mentioned them going away on the saturday, and she didn't object or say anything. No suggestion that they were thinking of the friday. The destination wasn't set in stone, so the friday at that point wasn't an issue. Now, it seems, after looking at various options etc. my dad has seen a package which leaves on the friday, and that's the reason he is choosing the friday. I've no idea if the saturday is an option but even if it isn't, with a bit more notice I could accommodate the friday as well. That's the whole crux of the matter. If they would just give me some notice, there wouldn't even be an issue.

Is there a reason why they can't just go in a few weeks time when you've got chance to sort childcare? Has your dm said they are definitely going next Friday?

So who actually told you that they were going away on the friday? Your mum or your dad?

Does your mum even know she is going away on the friday now?

"No it doesnt, "
So mj are you saying that op would have been better off if her mum had refused to pick up her dd at all and not picked her up the last 12m.the mother is committed to having the DD (as my mother is), or she isnt.

juuule, yes, seeing as the OP had to be persuaded to go along with this idea in the first place. On account of needing reliable childcare.

adversecamber actually it's a piece of piss if the people involved behave like normal human beings who are reasonably fond of each other!

whatever, I work 'til 7 on mondays, as that is the latest CM will work to. I've juggled things around in the past, for CM to work 'til 7 on the monday and wednesday, allowing me to work a normal day on the friday and that's been fine. But, for that to work, I have to give my work and CM notice, and hope that they agree to me doing that.

Sardine, thanks again for your suggestions and helpful comments! The taxi thing would be an option if friend didn't have her own LO to sort out. He's not at school, and he's usually getting dinner/bathed etc. when DD would be finishing ASC on the friday. Her OH get's home around half 5, and time wise, it's too tight for her to make it with the taxi. For her to pick DD earier from school, he LO is late for his dinner etc. It's a lot to ask of her, hence me being reluctant to do so.

I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and hope my boss doesn't blow a gasket at me asking for the flexibility to cover my hours, but not my actual shifts next week.

could your friend collect your DD straight from school (if you pay for the taxi) rather than the ASC so she could get your DD back to her house in time for her DS's dinner? Then you go to your friend's to pick up. Might be worth asking her before asking your boss.

Why not get a babysitter/nanny for the evening? Somewhere like www.sitters.co.uk/? They could collect your daughter in a taxi, take her home and give her tea and stay til you get home. I accept it is a pricey option, but it gets you out of a hole which hopefully won't be a regular occurrence?

OR - get the school to put your daughter in a taxi (they do do this, and have CRBed taxi drivers they use) and the taxi can deliver her to your friend's house.

No hand wringing here either because it's a two way street. My mother would never drop me in it, but at the same time, she knows if she wants to do anything else, she lets me know and we work round it. She just has the decency to give a bit of notice. She's looked after dd for 3 years and my cruise addicted parents have never missed a ship yet.