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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

432 replies

bananaistheanswer · 05/11/2011 14:28

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

OP posts:
Whatevertheweather · 05/11/2011 18:32

MJ - that's how it works for us to. No hand wringing or negotiations. DM was just saying today how much she misses have dd in the week now she's at school.

Banana - what's the latest you can work to and still get to asc for 5.45pm? Is it worth speaking to a colleague and arranging cover from say 5-9pm and you working 4 of their hours another day before approaching your boss so he's not left with the headache of finding cover?

Before doing any of this though I would double check your parents have definitely booked to leave on the Friday. Imagine:

Banana: 'I've sorted cover for the Friday now'
DM: 'Oh didn't we say, we're leaving Saturday morning instead' Angry

seeker · 05/11/2011 18:33

Arrange a sleepover for your dd. Simple.

Or is there a reason somewhere in the thread why you can't do this?

bananaistheanswer · 05/11/2011 18:40

OK, my plan is this - speak to boss monday, hope for the best. If no joy, phn friend and offer the taxi option, hoping she'll take it. If not, I will simply have to leave early on friday, to collect from ASC and face the consequences on the following monday. I'll consider checking out the sitters website for future situations, after I find someone who DD is happy with. I just don't feel I've got the time to make sure DD would be happy with someone I barely know, never mind her. But definitely an option (albeit an expensive one) for future problems that no doubt will arise if this is an indication of what is to come.

OP posts:
seeker · 05/11/2011 18:42

Sleepover?

rainbowinthesky · 05/11/2011 18:44

Sleep over seems a great idea. You are I assume in the playground two days a week and can surely ask one of her close friends parents? I have always worked full time and have never done pick up or drop off however I have ensured I know a handful of parents and have asked for help occasionally and it's always been given.

SardineQueen · 05/11/2011 18:47

"Parents of DD's friends - I don't know anyone well enough to ask them for this kind of help, and I am uncomfortable asking effectively a stranger to take my DD in until 9.30pm."

SardineQueen · 05/11/2011 18:48

Are none of her friend's parents approachable and smiley? No harm in asking - tell them you're in a fix and you will do return date. OTOH it is a bit pushy if you don't really know them...

Oh I don't know, sorry.

rainbowinthesky · 05/11/2011 18:49

Well, it sounds like you need to make an effort to get to know her friends parents. Can you not invite one round this weekend and use this as a chance to at least get to know another parent?

bananaistheanswer · 05/11/2011 18:50

Sleep over isn't an option for me. I don't know the other parents. I'm not comfortable asking for them to have DD in a sleep over, when I don't know them. That might seem odd to some people, but I'm just not comfortable doing that. She's only 6, I really don't want her going places where I don't know the people/parents.

Grin @whatever - after all this hand wringing I've done as well! I wouldn't put it past them to have me all stressed like this and then turn round and do that.

OP posts:
mjlovesscareypants · 05/11/2011 18:50

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mjlovesscareypants · 05/11/2011 18:51

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rainbowinthesky · 05/11/2011 18:52

I assume if she is 6 then she is in Y1 so has been at school for over a year? It really is time to get to know at least one parent. I managed it with never being at the school. Doesnt have to be sleepover but ask them to have her till 9. You can easily repay this in the week or at teh weekend.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 05/11/2011 18:54

juuule - if her mum had said "I can probbaly look after your DD on Fridays but I might have plans at the last minute and you'll need to be able to handle that" then that would be fine and the OP WBBU. But IMO once you make a commitment you make every effort to stick to it.

"juuule Sat 05-Nov-11 17:49:02
mj so the fact that her mother hasn't let her down at all in 12m counts for nothing? Her mother didn't plan the holiday, it was sprung on her. If it was my mother who had helped out all that time and saved me so much trouble and money, I think I would be telling her to go and have a good time and a much earned rest to celebrate her retirement. "

Agreed. And I would be pulling out all the stops to try to make that happen. But the OP has thought it through and it is very very difficult for her.

mjlovesscareypants · 05/11/2011 18:56

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Saturdaysgirl · 05/11/2011 18:56

Ooooh lol, learnt a lot about the ethics of the poster who suggested the OP phone in sick......!!!!

NotMostPeople · 05/11/2011 18:57

I think you are only looking at one way of solving this, why not try to find him a similar package that leaves on Saturday for the same price.

mjlovesscareypants · 05/11/2011 18:57

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SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 05/11/2011 19:00

I agree, I haven't been sick or needed to take "childcare" leave since 2004, despite having 2 children since then. That is because my work has always been quite flexible - so "I need to pick DS up from nursery - I'll take annual leave / work my extra hour tomorrow" has always been possible.

bananaistheanswer · 05/11/2011 19:01

I've been trying to get to know other parents but it seems that because I'm not in the playground much, I'm not able to penetrate the group iyswim. I've been to parties and stayed, and for some reason can't get into the conversation much - feels like I'm on the outside. I don't say that as in 'poor lonely me' but if I don't fit, I don't fit and that's that. If I can't feel comfortable with these people at a party, I really wouldn't be comfortable asking one of them to have DD even for just a few hours. It is something to work on though. I've tried the bribery route - made cookies for the kids in DD's class for halloween and gave them all a bag each. Hoping that maybe one or two of them will start to think I'm not a leper to be avoided, just because I'm at work most days.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 05/11/2011 19:09

If you can't ask them then you can't ask them.

Pay for taxi for your friend who would do it to pick her up and run them both back again? How far away does she live?

mjlovesscareypants · 05/11/2011 19:13

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Chandon · 05/11/2011 19:13

time to make some friends with other working mums at the school gate.

i have helped friends a few times in these situations, and would have been fine having someone's DD until 9:30 (she could stay up and watch telly with me, or go to sleep in the spare room). This has been reciprocated as well.

As a working mum, you really need a network of friends. It's worth working on. i could not do without (but then, I don't have family nearby so needs must)

EssentialFattyAcid · 05/11/2011 19:14

OP YANBU
Your parents are both treating you quite badly here. If they want to change this Friday arrangement pemranently then they should tell you and give you plenty of notice, not be unreliable and let you down at short notice. Do they not know or care that they are potentially damaging your relationship with your employer? Half baked childcare committments are no use to anyone with a regular job.

Personally I think 6 is young for a sleepover although some 6 year olds would be quite happy at this age to do one. I do think it is an issue that you are not on friendly enough terms with your dd's classmates' parents that you could ask them to mind her though. Do you not ask other children over to yours to play at the weekend? Parents helping each other out is a lifeline for many, and having a close relationship like this would also be nice for your dd surely?

bananaistheanswer · 05/11/2011 19:15

She lives about 25 miles away. I will let you all know what happens. If I have to come back here and be all Blush 'cos my parents have actually decided not to go away on the one day I need them, I will. If not, I will make sure my DD is picked up when needed and deal with whatever happens when it happens.

Thanks for the posts, good and bad. It's been enlightening!

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 05/11/2011 19:18

YANBU,you are not saying they can never go away, just asking for a bit of notice, which is fair enough

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