to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

YABU.
It's one day that your mum can't have your dd.
She has voluntarily collected your dd for the past 12m (presumably without a hitch).
Yes, it leaves you a bit stuck.
But...for the sake of one occasion I wouldn't be moaning and causing upset to your parents (particularly your mother). What if your mum had suddenly taken ill? You do need to set up emergency care for your dd. Ask around of childminders/friends/ for short notice events such as this.

Your dad might have been excited at your mum retiring and them being 'free' to do more things together. It was a nice gesture of his to surprise your mum, which has possibly been spoiled now due to bad feelings.

Are any paternal grandparents/aunts and Uncles in a position to help this once? Or a friend who can possibly sit in yours with her until you get home?

It's not a lovely gesture as it involves a dad sticking it to his DD.

Our family just do not behave like this and I am really stunned that so many people think this is not just acceptable, but normal.

YANBU and the fact that they haven't actually booked anything yet sort of makes it worse, doesn't it?

Try a babysitting service or see if there are any nurseries near you which might be able to provide babysitters - childcare.co.uk might be able to help.

In your position, I would also be having a conversation with my parents about the fact that it is a commitment which your mum accepted, that it will be 10 months before you can change it (although you will at that point if they need you to) and you will really need a few weeks notice of their plans.

Grow up.
If I was your mother I would go regardless.
Cheeky and entitled and spoilt.

It is an emergency situation for the op and her dd.
It is one occasion.
Yes it's short notice but I can't see how it merits a "the mother is committed to having the DD (as my mother is), or she isnt.". She obviously has been for the last 12m. This is probably a one-off due to her retiring and if it's not then the op needs to have a talk with her mother to find out about her commitment.

Much as you dont want to try DDs father can you give him a ring and ask him to step up on this occasion?

coccyx, would you say the same if someone posted on here "I made a promise to look after my friend's DD next Friday. Now I fancy a weekend away so am going to tell her I can't. It drops her in the shit but tough, not my problem"

You're wasting your time SPB. Some people can't see past their own envy.

It's hard to get across just why my options are limited. I live in a built up area, lived here for 15 years and I don't know anyone. Not a soul. I live far away from friends, those who I could ask have their own kids to collect and wouldn't be able to then collect my DD. Parents of DD's friends - I don't know anyone well enough to ask them for this kind of help, and I am uncomfortable asking effectively a stranger to take my DD in until 9.30pm. DD's dad - he'll simply say no, he's working (even if he isn't). ASC closes at 5.45pm. Childminder - fridays are a no-go. Asked in the past, the answer I got made it clear fridays are not something she would accommodate. In an emergency I think I would have a chance of help, but not in this situation. That's the trouble. I don't want to take the chance to leave it 'til friday to ask someone (to make the 'story' more authentic) but to ask in advance makes it a non-emergency and therefore less likely that someone would help.

I am unreasonable to stop my parents going away, I know that, but in the situation I'm in, them going away gives me a problem, and it's a struggle to get around it.

I'm going to have to ask if I can do the 4.5 hours I'll not be able to work on friday, another day, and just hope my boss lets me do that. If not, I'm not sure how that will be dealt with, and that's my concern tbh.

That's hard OP - don't think you are BU at all. Your dad is though and I would just let him feel cross. I would probably say I was really sorry that dd was getting in the way of their plans.

But if ASC closes at 5.45-would that really not give a friend enough time to collect their child & then yours?

sardine queen says it better than I could. YADNBU I would never do that to my daughter. I would never consider her 'entitled' to expect me to give her fair warning that I had other plans!

I wish I was close enough to help out!

All I know is that I would never do this to my own children in the future. I simply can't see a situation where I would go on holiday at short notice and drop them in it with childcare; that childcare being my own future grand children, should I be that lucky.

I agree with everything Sardinequeen has said.

And one thing that is so odd about mn is this attitude regarding grandparents and childcare - it is just so not representative of RL.

Gosh my in-laws look after my dc's sometimes and I know they would never ever do something like this.

Have you tried www.sitters.co.uk - they do daytime childcare too now as well as evenings - could be worth a try.

I actually am shocked at how very U you are being.

mrsrd, would you say the same if someone posted on here "I made a promise to look after my friend's DD next Friday. Now I fancy a weekend away so am going to tell her I can't. It drops her in the shit but tough, not my problem"

that she is your mum is not the point. she gave you her word, she should stick to it. if your dad is causing a problem, maybe he wasn't consulted?

Can you ask your childminder to recommend someone who could do Friday night perhaps?

I do feel for you OP. I think YANBU considering you had an arrangement in place.

I am really surprised by a lot of the views on here, as they differ so deeply from how things are in our family

• The idea that close family members can make commitments to each other and then break them on short notice and that this is fine
• The idea of family members dropping each other in it, that this is a normal thing to do
• The idea that a commitment isn't a commitment if it's a relative
• This idea that of course her parents put their weekend before her job. My parents always feel that work is very important, had a strong work ethic, no skiving, no sickies, no nothing. No way in a million years would they do something that they knew was going to cause a huge problem at work. Yet apparently this is very understandable

I simply do not understand this thread at all. It's like i've dropped into a parallel universe where people just don't have a sense of responsibility, understand what a commitment is, or basically care about each other.

it's most odd.

On this occasion, I would explain the situation to your boss, and reassure him that it won't happen again, because you are making back up plans for emergencies.

Then, if your boss says yes, be extremely grateful.

If your boss says no, get in touch with sitters.com and try and arrange some emergency childcare. Or, beg a sleepover from a friend at school.

Then, whatever happens this time, sort out some emergency childcare for future! Build up some networks of school mums. Check out local childcare providers.

mj so the fact that her mother hasn't let her down at all in 12m counts for nothing? Her mother didn't plan the holiday, it was sprung on her. If it was my mother who had helped out all that time and saved me so much trouble and money, I think I would be telling her to go and have a good time and a much earned rest to celebrate her retirement.

A week is short notice but surely not impossible to arrange something as a one-off. And realistically, op has had the past 12m to arrange for any time her mum couldn't pick up.
I think it's difficult at the moment because the op is so heavily dependant on her mum. And maybe it's a wake up call for her to have a few options and also to maybe expect that once this contract with work is up that her mum won't be as available for childcare as she has been in the past.

thing is if she knows her boss is going to be inflexible and fucked off, then better not to ask him. she knows the answer is no, so why tell him that she is unreliable (childcare has collapsed) if there's no point