to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

take the day off sick

The fourth person on this thread to make that suggestion.

The OP sounds as though she has more integrity than that, and she doesn't need a disciplinary/sacking on top of everything else.

I know, it's funny how she's getting a slating from some for being pissed off with her father yet conning a day out of work is seen as acceptable.

Dad still works, he has holidays left but is refusing to take them to accommodate me and my work. I did suggest they go away on the saturday morning, but dad not happy with that.

I don't impose on my parents as much as my dad's actions would suggest, as per anotheremptynest's post. However, I'd maybe agree with rookie's post, in that my dad does expect my mum to put him 1st before anyone else, and maybe while it was her work as well as DD that prevented them going away on a friday, this wasn't a problem. But now that it's only DD impacting on their ability to just up sticks and go, it's easier for him to get pissed off at me as opposed to an employer who pays her a wage.

Exactly. I thought she was BU at first, but now it seems that her father is putting barriers up to make things difficult as it's become apparent the OP has checked this out with her mum and her dad's only just being awkward.

I feel for her, but I'm shocked at those advising her to lie to work which is dishonest and could land her in a pile of trouble - and to be fair to her she hasn't responded to that suggestion.

I don't think yabu at all OP. Same thing happened to me. I worked shifts and my Mum offered to have DS1. Her reasoning was she was a nursery nurse so why pay for one. I offered to pay her anyway, but she wouldn't hear of it. So we agreed that she would have DS1. Well I can't tell you how many times she let me down because "your Dad wants to go here, there, everywhere". I worked a 2 on 2 off, 2 on 6 off roster so there was plenty of free days available that he had to go places. She always cancelled with just a few hours notice. In the end I say her down and said that it wasn't working and would she help me find a nursery instead. I also had to fight HR for set days, which I got in the end.

She still does this now, will say "oh why don't I have DS1 and 2 and you go out for the evening?" (we very rarely ask her to babysit as we are more than aware that we chose to have DS'), then cancel because "your Dad wants to go here, there, etc," with very little notice. Recently she offered to have the boys for a couple of nights so we could go away, I almost, almost booked but thought to double check and sure enough, your Dad wants to go away.

I'm very much of the mind that if I have agreed something then you stick to it. You don't just change your mind, but my Dad has ALWAYS been the most selfish person I know.

yanbu

your mum has effectively entered into a contract with you - you accepted your work contract on the basis that she would take your dd on fridays, without such help you would be unable to take the contract.

now she is letting you down.

i don't actually see this as your dad causing the problem.

i don't see why your mum isn't saying to your dad 'sorry, can't do that. i've got commitments.'

i don't see why your mum isn't saying to your dad 'sorry, can't do that. i've got commitments

He sounds rather controlling. Perhaps she's too scared to?

Warthog the dad is being passive agressive, this is a surprise weekend i.e. he is ambushing his daughter. My guess is he has already had this conversation with his wife and got short shrift so is now trying to break down the arrangement through the daughter.

It makes me that all these posters tell the OP that she is being U in relying on her parents for help, then in the next breath want her to ask a random sahp to offer her child a sleepover. Just because someone is a sahp, it doesn't mean they are willing to be back up child care for working parents. Still, it's an odd attitude that it's okay to rely on strangers for help, but not your own parents.

Is their some facility on MN whereby MNers could register their details and be contactable to help out other MNers who need emergency back up? I feel for you, OP and if you are in S. Wales, I will happily help you out this friday (used to be a CM and teacher).

I think the issue here is that no matter how willing people are, it's far better to have organised, paid for childcare rather than relying on family good will. I would never choose hours which depended on goodwill for childcare.

rookiemater, i missed the bit where her mum said 'no i'm not going'. did she?

i think dad is being a tosspot, no argument there, but i also think the mum should be standing up for her.

Sorry, I'm not ignoring every point made, I just can't keep up with all the posts!

I couldn't lie about the situation - seriously, I know I'd get rumbled. I'm just that lucky! As much as the picture painted of my work and boss isn't great, the flexibility that I have had, and the understanding in the past when I've really needed it has meant a lot to me and I don't want to take that for granted or take the piss. I have always been honest about my reasons for needing either time off or a change to days/hours, as the last thing I would want to do is lie about a situation, get rumbled, and then blow any chance I have for a future situation which required some flexibility.

Where is dd's father?

But why? WHy should you have to stick your child in a "baby farm" (not my term - and my DCs are in paid childcare 3 days a week) when there is a GP willing and able to look after them? Who actively wishes to? Why would you deny them that?

and I wish someone would answer me whether it's OK to let your elderly father down, or if it was a promise to a friend? My guess is not - so why would this be different?

I think if I were your mum I'd be rather hacked off with your dad to be honest.

I do not think YABU.

Your mum knows you rely on her and it is only fair and considerate that she gives you enough notice to make alternative arrangements if she cannot collect your child.

Your parents are free to go away at any time, I dont understand why they cannot work around your needs too. But then maybe that is just me!

Thanks for all the kind offers of help though, I was remiss to not even acknowledge them. I'm in Scotland so too far away for all the suggestions made.

I've no idea if they are still going away. They were going out today to book something, and I've not yet had confirmation of what the booking entails. If it comes down to me having to pick DD up and not being able to work the last 4.5 hours of my shift then I'll just have to suck it up and take what my boss throws at me. Which I know won't be pleasant.

YANBU - it seems clear to me that you don't take your mum's help for granted and that its the short notice plus a difficult work situation that is the problem. TBH It sounds like even if you did have a days leave saved for such an eventuality that your boss still wouldn't like it.

In terms of suggestions, how old is your DD and was she at nursery or preschool recently? If so one option might be to ask one of the nursery nurses if they would consider picking her from school or a friends house, putting her to bed and babysitting until you get home? I know some of the girls at my DDs nursery do this occasionally, I assume on an hourly rate and it has the advantage that the DCs know them.
Hope you get it sorted

but if there is no childcare and she can't change her shifts and can't take an official day off, what choice does she have but to take a day off sick? no-one is saying it is okay to do it, it is deceitful, but what else can she do as a one-off? she cannot leave the child to fend for herself.

Did your DD go to preschool - would anyone from there do it? Just thinking that the people at DDs preschool are really nice and one of them does babysitting service etc

Neighbours?

I understand why people are suggesting a day off sick - -with some employers that will go down a trillion times better than "my childcare collapsed" which will just ruin her reputation etc. Some employers are just not going to have it.

However that is total last resort.

I'm trying to think of what else you can try.

DD's father lives 5 mins down the road, but sees her only every 2/3 months at best. He's not what you could call 'reliable'. The catalyst to me & him splitting was him getting so drunk at xmas he was not fit to watch DD the next day when I was supposed to be working, and had already been refused time off as it was xmas, with all the holidays agreed so no more allowed off. Me having to phone in and tell them I couldn't go to work as DD's dad was 'ill' and unable to care for DD did not go down well. At all.

hiding great minds and all that