to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

Agree with PeppaPigandGeorge. Hope you have worked something out OP.

Custard - I think that they'd clamped down prior to her signing the new contract but could be wrong.

CustardCake - I don't know, the OP would have answer that one. However, her Mum knew that Banana was signing a contract to work those hours and banana checked that it was OK with her Mum, gave it a years trial run etc before singing the agreement (at work, not at her mum). Her Mum knew that it was those hours she was agreeing to look after DD and she must know how inflexible Banana's work are now. IMO you don't agree to do something then drop someone in the shit, especially when that someone is your single parent daughter doing what she has to do to make ends meet. You just don't. Different if she said, at the end of this contract I don't want this responsibility anymore, I'd love to have DD when it suits us, but I don't want to commit to it again.

All the people saying that it's OK for GPS to drop their own children in it because it's "a favour"............seriously?? Do you think that little of your own kids that you would do that to them in the future?

it pisses me right off when people do not read the bloody thread!!!

OP I feel your pain and trust me if I was in Glasgow I would be there like a shot, however, I am in Peterhead so don't think I could do my school run and yours in time :o

To all the others who bandy about "spoiled" and "entitled " the OP made doubly sure DM was happy to commit to this childcare, knowing it was to allow banana to work.

I also know and have experience of it not being as easy to ask another parent from school. If I had made a committment to someone then I would not back out with only a weeks notice whether it be friend or family.

OP you are DNBU!!

As an aside your boss sounds like a right tit! Maybe look for another job?

I read the first third or so of the thread and was fairly shocked at some of the responses, so have skipped to the end to say YANBU.

I'm in a similar situation, except that I was in a flexible job, that ended and now I have been offered another job which won't be flexible. My mum did one day cc but very regularly pulled out. My dad makes it plain from time to time that he doesn't think she should ever do any childcare and makes pointed remarks about what they could do if she didn't have my kids on a Monday (even although they have done all those things anyway and I've worked around it ). I'm a bit stressed right now about how I am going to manage, I'd happily use contracted childcare but for the fact that one of my children has SN and would struggle to cope, and for the fact that my mum would actually take offense if I didn't go to her first.

It's not really as simple as you shouldn't use GP for childcare, they've done their bit, get a contract etc etc. In my situation, and I suspect in yours OP, there are SO many other factors at play - the relationship between the two grandparents (mum will unrealistically promise the earth, dad would apparently rather do none but he's working anyway, she gets annoyed with him when he drops hints about not wanting to do childcare), the fact that they actually want me/you to work and want to support that but sometimes they have a better offer that appeals, some weeks they love having them over and claim they'd do it even if I wasn't working (doesn't happen), others they clearly find it a chore etc etc. I know these are all the reasons it's better not to use family for childcare. But in our case it's without doubt better for the children.

I am sorry, I feel I have talked too much about my own situation here. There are similarities though.

(Oh, and I would love to have back-up options, of course I would but how realistic is that really? Childcare is so bloody hard I am always amazed to hear of people who have managed one solution never mind one plus several back-up options!)

Another couple of pages and skipped reader here, but based on that YANBU and I think you have had a very hard time here. My situation is not dissimilar to yours and I would love a nanny to help ensure reliable childcare and take the pressure off my parents, but I've contacted every agency in our area and there doesn't seem to be anyone available.

If you make a committment to someone to do something and they are relying on you then you don't change that committment without appropriate notice to allow time for them to make alternative arrangements. In a scenario where there wasn't the GP/childcare issue that is so emotive on mumsnet I think you would have had a lot more support.

YANBU , i cannot for the life of me work out how people on here see you as entitled or selfish . Your mother agreed to do something for you knowing just how important that was . She should of said ,she was happy to be your back up ,if she didnt want to stick to it , rather than a more permanent fixture.

Do you work for a company large enough to have a HR department ? if so ring them now and explain your situation, ask them if there is anything they can suggest to help you , some places have family friendly work practices (alledgedly).

I once took my son into work with me ,because i had exhausted every childcare option , i work as a nurse and it was a late shift , i just rang and said i will have to bring him or not work ,its up to you .He spent most of the shift in the staffroom on his gameboy . I guess it depends on the sort of environment you work in ,as to whether that would be a one off option for you .

Good luck

YADNBU OP and I am also shocked at some of the posts on here.
I personally don't have grandparents available to help (v rarely anyway) but can see that your parents have let you down badly and I don't think that you take their help for granted at all.
Your mother shouldn't make a commitment to look after your DD and then think it is okay to duck out at the last minute and make you so stressed and in serious danger of annoying your boss (again). How does she feel about going on the holiday? Has she said anything to your herself or was it all via you father? I am getting the feeling that she is used to being a little bullied by him and doesn't want to upset him and finds it easier to upset you instead!
No other suggestions really as I they they have all been covered but good luck for Friday.

bananaistheanswer Sat 05-Nov-11 14:28:26
Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues.

It appears from the OP that this change in attitude by the employers is a recent thing. Whilst I understand where she is coming from, I do think she is being a bit U. It sounds very much as though the decision to look after the child was presented to the OPs father as a done deal. Maybe he wasn't keen on it to begin with? Maybe he just wants to do something nice for the OPs mother now that she has retired.Maybe he did just see something advertised and decide to do it on the spur of the moment. We don't know. Some people seem to think he is wrong for wanting to take his wife away for a weekend. Personally, I don't. It is not the fault of the parents that OP seems to have to give so much notice to have time off work or re-arrange her hours.

FWIW, I do have a certain amount of sympathy for the OP, but she does need, as others have suggested, to build a network of people that she is able to call upon at such times.

I also feel for her parents. Mine looked after DN. My dad wasn't keen to make such a big commitment. He felt it would effectively rule their lives. Mum disagreed, saying it would only be for a couple of years after which they could 'live their lives' and went ahead anyway. For seven years they looked after DN. Always having to consider Dn's needs above their own wants. Always having holidays when DSis wanted them, never when they chose to have them. For two years they were bound by school hours. No impromptu nights away or last minute weekends away for them either. When DSis became a SAHM after birth of DN2 mum and dad thought this was their time. Trouble was, by then, dad was unwell. he could no longer drive, mum had never driven and dad was unable to travel on public transport as he became wheelchair bound. Then he died. They never had 'their time'. And now, several years later, my mum regrets so much, that she went ahead and did what she wanted. Because really, it robbed both of them of their opportunity to do things that they had been so looking forward to doing.

I am sure my mum and dad cannot be the only people to have found themselves in a similar situation. and because of what happened, and how much pain it has caused my mum, I would never want to put anyone in that position.

Sorry Op, I think you are going to have to hope that the break was fully booked otherwise deal with it this time but explain to them how it is for you for the future. And as some others have suggested, start looking at building that network.

sorry I've skipped the 12 pages too. I would personally do what FabbyChic suggested on page 1 - take a sicky day. I never took off myself at work and saw colleagues off for all sorts of reasons - hangovers. man flu etc.

This is pretty close to being an emergency until you can get childcare re-sorted.

Wow, satithowitis that is so sad for your DPs! Must also cut you up, having watched them go through that.

I really hope this doesn't happen to my PILs. MIL has put their lives on hold to care for DN. FIL less-than happy about it, although he has only told my DH how he feels, not MIL or SIL.

MIL is also really good at lying to SIL about how good/bad/easy DN has been to look after and how much fun they have (or rather haven't) had. I know because I've spent the day with them a few times, seen them struggle or get hacked off, then heard "oh, she was delightful, we had a lovely day". Seems to be afraid to tell SIL the truth. Yet MIL is usually quite forthright.

I'm just saying this because so many people seem to be convinced that their parents love looking after their DCs. Please consider the possibility that your DPs may be LYING to you!

Why don't you ask your "Monday" childminder for a one off?

My parents died years ago so I don't have the luxury of that problem. you are very very lucky. What would you do if your mother was taken ill? There has to be some sort of back up plan, surely. There have certainly been plenty suggested here. Even if they go, you have guaranteed to spoil it for them, as they will spend the whole weekend feeling guilty.

OP as a WHOM I feel your pain.My parents also help us out about once a.month.If they can't do it at short t notice I accept it.They are doing me a massive favour by helping at all. If I have no childcare, then I simply tell my employers. They are obliged to give you parental leave in these circumstances .What I would do is double.check with your dad.Once he has booked it. Then go to your boss and say you have to leave at 5(or whatever ) on Friday. I am not a lawyer but believe you are protected , your boss cannot penalize you for.this.

Sorry, but YABU.

No you are not being unreasonable. Your mother understood the commitment she was making and yet was more than happy to make it. I would also be upset by your fathers attitude. He is doing this to upset you. My stepfather would do the same, I have nothing but sympathy for you. And for your mother who is stuck in the middle of this, and obviously wants to help you and her grandchildren.

YABU. You are contracted to certain hours - your mother is not.

Anyone saying the OP IBU would you say the same if someone posted on here "I made a promise to look after my friend's DD next Friday. Now I fancy a weekend away so am going to tell her I can't. It drops her in the shit but tough, not my problem"

Surely the consensus would be that she should honour the commitment she made?

Andrew, surely you see that the mother offered to help her daughter to fulfil those contracted hours and so effectively commited to looking after the GD for those hours?

If you agreed to give someone a lift to hospital for a 9am appointment, would it be OK to turn up at 10 and say "well YOU agreed to the appointment, I didn't"?

Actually if my friend had looked after my dc every week for a year I would never begrudge her a weekend away no matter how little notice or what I was doing.

I don't think its the gran here that is the problem. My reading is that the OPs dad is trying to do this as a surprise, which effectively means the OP can't discuss this with her mum who agreed to do the child care.

OP I would suggest that you go back to your Dad and ask him to discuss this with your Mum. She is the one who agreed to this, not you, so she is the one who needs to decide if she wants to do it not you, hopefully he has not already booked. Perhaps you could out passive agressive him, find the same sort of break in January when it is bound to be cheaper and say that you are treating them for all your Mums support. That way you can plan in advance for childcare, ok its dear but probably not hugely dearer than getting emergency childcare at short notice and means you aren't leaving your DD with people you don't know or asking her to get a taxi, plus it double bluffs your Dad

if this is a surprise then that amkes a lot more sense.
rainbow, I too would be pulling out all the stops to manage that. But if I literally couldn't, I'd be a bit pissed off. Once a commitment reaches a certain magnitude, does it become less important to stick to it?

YANBU. I'm currently facing a similar situation. Before I returned to work after maternity leave DP's parents approached us and asked us if they could have DS for one day a week while I worked. We jumped at their offer because I work until 10pm and every other week DP does too and finding childcare to cover these hours would've been incredibly difficult.

The situation worked perfectly up until a couple of months ago. Every weekend when the work rota is done I phone them and ask if so and so day will be ok for them to have DS. They always say yes, but then the night before they will phone and say they can't have him, for various reasons such as they need to go shopping, visit friends, fancy going to the cinema. With such short notice I can't arrange alternative childcare or even let work know I won't be in until the next morning. It means I lose out on a day's pay too which we really can't afford and lets my colleagues down.

We've asked them if there's a problem, would they like to cancel the arrangement and they say no, all is fine, they love having DS and look shocked when we gently explain the difficult position they put us in, and then the same thing happens the next week.

But the reality is these things happen. I've been let down the day before by my dm when she was due to look after dd on an inset day. My dm made an appointment to get her car serviced so she could go on a getaway the following week.
As she is my back up plan for if there is no after school club or dd is too ill to go to asc, I probably have used her at least once a month for years now.
I had to phone and ask dd's best friend mother if she could collect dd for me. I didnt complain to my mum despite having arranged her having dd months ago. I think if I had complained to her, she would be far less reluctant in teh future to have her.