to have told my parents they cannot go away for the w/e next week?

[bananaistheanswer]

because it means I won't have childcare?

Background - I work 3 days, 2 long days (monday/friday) and a normal day on wednesday. My work used to be very flexible and accommodating, and any changes to my work pattern were usually agreed without any problems. Recently, however, there has been a general 'clamp down' on any requests to deviate from the usual work hours/pattern, with similar requests being refused to other colleagues. I am not a favourite employee, to say the least, and really don't need the hassle it will cause me if I go in on monday to say I have to change my working hours to accommodate my DM not being able to collect DD from school on friday. I can't swap my days around as I work from 9-9 on a friday, and don't have anyone who can cover those hours other than my DM. I have no holidays left, and would probably be refused permission to take a holiday given the lack of notice. I'd also happily work one of the 2 days I don't usually, to cover the hours I can't do on a friday (if I worked a normal day on the friday) but this has also recently been refused when previously it was not a problem.

The holiday thing came about as my dad decided he would spirit my mum away for a weekend, since she's now retired and not bound by her work. She worked alternate fridays, and on the days she did work, finished at 1pm so was able to collect DD no problems. She agreed to this to allow me to work my hours as I do now. This set up has been in place since a year past August when DD started school. Mum retired last month.

Now I would be more than happy to take a holiday if I had one, and had sufficient notice to allow me to request the time off so my mum can have a w/e away. The problem is, my dad just 'doesn't get' the fact that I agreed contracted hours with my work based on my mum's agreed help for 1 of my 3 days working. I'm locked into that contract, and have no chance of getting out of it, if this is to become a regular thing (which, given my dad's attitude, I suspect it might). Being regularly put in a tight spot like this fills me with dread, as I don't have enough holidays to allow me to take a friday off every time they do this (14 weeks holidays in school to cover, I get 5 weeks at present, and also have to take time off to cover childminder when she take a hols [she does the monday childcare] so it's a struggle to say the least).

My mum does me a huge favour by picking up DD on fridays, and I don't expect her to never have the chance to do something on a friday if she wants to. But, I can't do 'last minute' getaways in the situation I'm in. I pretty much said as much to my dad last night, and now he's pissed off with me for effectively telling him they can't go away next weekend.

So, AIBU?

(dons hard hat and flame proof all-in-one suit)

It's a bit of a leap from "hello" in the playground to asking someone to have your child overnight, particularly if she has never stayed elsewhere before.

Aww I think YANBU, if you'd come on here and said "My childminder is going on holiday with no notice" I think you might have got a different response, and essentially your mum has agreed to be your childcare, so your dad is being a bit unfair. I really hope you manage to sort it all out, I have no good suggestions but just wanted to send sympathy and good luck.

Where about in Scotland are you?

Glasgow.

If your dad is wanting to take your mother away on Friday night how does him leaving on Saurday mean he has to take holiday that he doesn't want to do? How is he going away without taking holiday on Friday?

Ah well, just thought I'd ask on the very off chance you were near me or our kids were in the same school.
Hope you get something sorted and no you are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

I'm assuming that he wants two nights away and that he'd come back Sunday if leaving on Friday, or Monday if leaving on Saturday, Fab.

Glasgow to London.

Ah! Whereabouts in Glasgow?

FAB, that crossed my mind earlier, but I think he has already taken the friday off, and doesn't want to take another day i.e. the monday off as well. He's hardly there at times anyway - he has the most flexible flexi-time I've ever come across and often works from home as well spends an hour on his laptop and the goes for a swim He's the most awkward man I know, other than my ex, and makes it his mission in life to be as awkward as possible. Most of the time it doesn't affect me. This time it does. Unfortunately.

Thanks Fifer, nice thought, much appreciated.

I'll stick with Glasgow, don't want to 'out' myself too much!

I appreciate all the help offered, I'll post back when I get details of the 'getaway' confirmed, and then I'll know if I can relax or if I'll need to adopt my 'woe is me' face for my boss. That might work.

You need to speak to your father to ask if he is taking your mother aay on Friday.

I haven't read every post but YANBU. Your mum is clearly the instigator of this set-up and if your dad isn't happy about it he should go about saying so in a more mature way instead of dropping you in it like this. If he really wanted to go on a short break like this then he could have told you months ago to give you time to sort something out.

I'd look into alternative childminders if I were you and have your mum as bak-up instead of plan A.

Well OP, there's nothing else for it since you've explained that there is nothing you can do in this situation - your mother will simply have to give up her weekend away or take your DD away with her.

I know exactly how you feel because my own mother provided me with free childcare for a couple of years so I know how great it is but I know how beholden it makes you feel at the same time. For that reason I just know that in the same circumstances I wouldn't have felt able to make a fuss if my mother had announced that she wasn't able to help me on any given day. I would have been too grateful for all the times she had helped me and how much hassle and money it had saved me.

By the same token, I know that my mother wouldn't have left me in the lurch without notice.

So I can empathise here and say that I think that while YABU in one way you YANBU in another.

The only constructive idea I can offer is could you not get your mum to 'phone you to say she some emergency has come up and she can't pick your DD up? Surely your boss can't make a fuss about you having to leave work under unforseen circumstrances?

banana YADNBU At least the posts seem to be evening out a bit now. I cannot believe the people who have said YABU, I really can't. Your Mum knew what she was commiting to before doing it, she knows you need the money. They have 6.5 days of the week to go away and if they want to go away for longer than that you can arrange something if they give you notice. You have done your very best to have options in place and that's blood hard as a single working parent. You need to speak to them and make sure the understand that for the next 10 months they have a commitment to you and DD on a Friday afternoon/evening and if they don't want to have her they need to let you know well in advance so that you can organise other care.

Then you need to find a couple of babysitters who can meet DD that you can call on for things like this.

I'd ask your CM - you never know, this close to Christmas she might be happy to have the extra few quid - you don't know if you don't ask.

Yabu.
They aren't free childcare and you can't just restrict they're life to suit your needs.
Can't you get your childminder ? Or an after school club to take her. Or a babysitter?

Sounds like you have something of a plan for this time, though it's not obviously not ideal.

Going forward, are you going to take your mum out of the equation? I think you have to in order not to be stressing all the time in case your dad pulls this kind of thing again. Would an au pair be possible? If they only had to do occasional evenings, and no daytimes because of school, it might work out. And then you could have afterschool or childminder as back up, but not need to have both, maybe? With your mum doing occasional cover / emergencies if she can.

It sounds really frustrating.

CustardCake (& others) - I'm sorry, but that's rubbish. Her Mum knew exactly what the situation was when she committed to this. She knew Banana was signing a contract to work those hours because her Mum said she would have her DD. It's not a spot of babysitting so the OP can go down the pub. It's part of her childcare needs so she can work and her parents know that. They cannot pick & choose when to be arsed to do it without giving banana enough notice.

Teenageddirtbag - why post if you haven't bothered to read the thread?

I think perhaps you need to make other permanent arrangements.

Your mum for whatever reason can no longer be relied upon.

Good luck.

They're your children. It's great that your parents help as ours also do - but I never, never ask them to give up plans for me.

Our daughter is our responsibility.

Vicki and teenagedirtbag, would you say the same if someone posted on here "I made a promise to look after my friend's DD next Friday. Now I fancy a weekend away so am going to tell her I can't. It drops her in the shit but tough, not my problem"

Shrieeek - people don't answer because it would mean they couldn't trot out their favourite 'its your child etc' and yet bizarrely these will be the very same people who say 'it takes a village'.

I do so love mn.

Hmm.. I think Vicki1981 misses the point. Of course, the OP shouldn't expect her mother to give up plans for her, but that isn't the scenario here; the OP isn't asking the mother to do something extra which requires her to change her plans, she's only asking for reasonable notice if the mother want to make new plans on a day which would otherwise be committed to the OP.

My mum also does one day a week. She also does the odd extra day to allow me to go on work courses, or other such things. She never drops me in it for the "regular" day, but does frequently say she can't do another day when I ask. That's absolutely fine; like you say, she shouldn't have to change her plans - iif they're already made. However, where a commitment to provide childcare has been made, then it should be honoured. Especially if it's a commitment to your own child!