to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

[Helena77]

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door . I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again

Hissy

Mine´s a teen & has never had a parting-always just brushed it back.

Both you and your husband need to see your marriage as an equal partnership. Deciding when to visit relatives should be a joint decision. He doesn't get the casting vote all the time because he is male and older than you. Make SIL visit you one weekend.
You are going to have to make a stand against him some time if you aren't going to start resenting him bossing you around.

Again OP, sorry that this is happening.

In short, you need to have a tantrum.

You need to completely lose it, scream at them to fuck off. All of them. That you are sick of being told what to do here.

YOU have just given birth. YOU have just had surgery. YOU are the one feeding your DD, your DH knows FUCK ALL about how that works and his mother even less.

He's ex military, right? He's familiar with the concept of obeying orders and not trying to second guess the person in charge, the expert?

Tell him that's now YOU. You're the expert in your DD and feeding and how it's going to be. It isn't a walk in the park, it's a difficult skill that you and the baby have to LEARN. You will do that the way you wish to.

And if he cannot respect you, support you, in that - your marriage won't last long.

SGB is right. A LOT of this is about him. This is a situation where he isn't automatically the one making the decisions, the one knowing exactly what should happen and being at the helm.

Now that's you.

He doesn't like it. He's trying to make that not be the case. Still deciding what will happen. Little touches like client calls in the evening, just to show himself that he still gets to set the agenda, it isn't a case of him asking you 'Do you need me in tonight? How are you doing?'

And what is the result? The whole fucking thing is falling apart, and your DD is in danger of her breastfeeding being compromised.

This is DISGUSTING behaviour on his part. Sadly, you need to step out of the role he's assigned you and fight back, hard and fast and decisively.

He has no right to insist you go anywhere, and the best possible thing you could say in return to any attempt to insist, now, is 'Go take a fucking running jump, sunshine.'

And walk out, slam that door again, get into bed with your DD and THAT'S IT.

He he, DS hair is curly, it wouldn't part if a life depended on it!

Oh and Shouty speaks word for word for me too...

I am having to scrape myself off the ceiling over this. Not because of you - you sound lovely - but because of your DH and his family.

Your. DP. Does. Not. Know. What. He. Is. Doing. He has no experience of all this, and therefore is wrong. In everything.

For the future you will probably have to work at a rather different, perhaps more balanced, relationship. But that is in the future. Now you need looking after. And a way out -

so -

Just tell him, after your appointment, that unfortunately the doctor said s/he is very concerned about your health. The doctor has ordered bed rest for - let's see, three days/until your next appointment. Doctor says you must not travel for at least - oh, let's think - a long time. That is an order.The doctor is particularly concerned at your blood pressure and is trying to avoid hospitalization, etc, etc. Nothing you can do about any of that, is there? If your dh is ex-army (am I remembering that correctly?), perhaps it is easier to make it sound like an order??

If it makes it easier, just keep telling yourself: you are doing it for your daughter, and actually, probably for your future relationships as a family. Resentment at something spoiled can spoil things for a long, long time.

(And please can I come over and Tell Them.)

You seem to worry a lot about what people think of you. I'm guessing that you don't have great confidence in yourself. Now is the time to change that. Think for a minute about anyone trying to hurt your little baby. Feel that deep primal feeling that you would do anything anything to protect your baby? Use it. You're a mother now. You have your own little family, a family that might or might not include your "D"H. Either way, your DD is your daughter, yours and no one else's. You love her more than anything in the world and it's your job above all else to protect her and love her. Other people don't matter when it comes down to that. Let your DH have his toddler tantrum, let your MIL and SIL whisper about you. Your DD sure as fuck doesn't care. She has her mother and that's all that matters to her.

Fuck what this family think ( 'scuse the language! )

If you don't want to go on Saturday-DON'T GO!! What's he going to do drag you by the hair into the car?!!

It's far too early for you to be traipsing around the country after a CS even without the high BP, it's not making excuses it's a medical fact. Your tum scrunched up in a car for a long time, let alone the sleeping arrangements.

Can you ring the HV in the morning & get her to forbid it!!?

YA SO SO SO NBU

Good luck, be strong!

Tell your dh to take a running jump!

There is no need to come up with excuses. "We (me and dd) are not going to your mums and sister on Saturday. YOU can do whatever you like, you do not tell me what to do"

And repeat until he gets the message.

Am very on your behalf, but he isn't suddenly going to come round to your way of thinking.

You have 2 choices. Put up and shut up or stand (and let it get worse) or stand up for yourself and your dd. sorry if that sounds harsh.

Mmmm's approach is v g if you honesty cannot face a confrontation yet.

Cailindana has it spot on. Its about your DD now and what is best for HER. If you cannot put yourself first due to the dynamics of your relationship/low self confidence whatever you need to see it as prioritising her because atm what is best for you is best for her, you are a unit.

Dont want to sound patronising but you are a mother now and sometimes that means putting other peoples noses out of joint to care properly for your child. Whether that is pissing off your DH and his family or offending a friend because their child has been making yours miserable then so be it. Sadly being a people pleaser and always Mrs Nice Guy isnt consistent with being a good mother.

I second mmnotsosure, about getting the doctor onside. I had high BP and a CS, and can confirm that the last thing you need is to be travelling around visiting people after a CS. You need plenty of rest and peace & quiet for you and DD.

And your MIL has a one-bed flat? so you'll be sleeping on the floor? No, No, NO to that. As my mum would say, "Sod that for a game of soldiers!"

Helena, you really need to put your foot down here.

Your DH is being utterly selfish, it is all about him and his family. You have just given birth, you're recovering, getting used to being a mum and you just have to 'put up and shut up'?

Would you expect a person who had major surgery (after all, that is what a CS is) to make a 4 hour journey and sleep on a floor? I don't think any reasonable person would.

Aside from that, babies are not supposed to be in a car seat for longer than 1.5 hours at a time. WTF are these people thinking?

You need to start putting yourself and your DD first. If 'DH' does have a problem with that and professes to know better, ask him when the last time was when he gave birth and breast fed?

I fully sympathise, I spend 7 weeks with my ex-partner's family in my house and after 3 weeks I begged him to take me for my birthday to my friend's house, he refused as 'it was rude to his family'.

You have to take control of the situation now, he may not like it but that is his problem. He is a father now and he has to understand that he is not no 1 anymore.

Another one joining in the chant of "Helena no! You won't go!"

You said that you have a forthcoming doctor's appointment. Am I too late to suggest that you get a note from her/him saying that you and the baby should not have such a journey in such circumstances (whatever you suggest to her/him).

My own opinion is that you and the baby should not go. The baby is too young to be stuck in a baby car seat for that long. When mine were small (ok a long time ago) I was told that it could affect the way their backs would learn to (can't remember exactly) grow the right way or become straight or something like that.

Have just seen this thread and really feel for you, what a difficult situation to be in.

My opinion is that you really should stay at home this weekend. A 4-5 hour journey is a long way for a 1 month old - I know, I took my DS to a family wedding 4 hours drive away when he was a month old. We planned the journey meticulously - stopping at service stations every hour or so to take him out of his car seat for a bit and to breastfeed as and when necessary - so the journey actually took about 7 hours!(which is probably an awful journey for an 80 year old too!). I think the advice is that little ones shouldn't really sit in a car seat for any longer than 2 hours at a stretch as it can affect their backs. I'd get the doctor's advice on this, and, if your DH and MIL won't believe you or think you're making a fuss, get your DH to call the doctor.
I haven't read the whole thread in detail, I can understand that SIL wants to meet the baby, but why on earth should you have to do the travelling? She should come to visit you! Apart from the family wedding, everyone else came to visit us - for short, 2 hour max visits....
Finally, don't be too hard on your DH - if it's your first baby and neither of you have much experience of babies then it can take a while for your DH to understand just how difficult it can be looking after a newborn, and how much life is going to change! But I would hope he'd start to grasp it before too much longer....

I agree with getting the doctor inside and the note, or just her recommendation (your DH is not an employer and doesn't need a note!) I can see how a Firm Discussion needs to be had later, but screaming or getting tearful with my DH always upsets and exhausts me and I am not one month post partum and major surgery, stressed and with a stressed milk supply.

Look after yourself and your baby Helena, and get help doing so eg. A doctor.
It is perfectly reasonable to not drive a tiny baby and a post cesarean mother for hours and to uproot them from their nest when they are trying to establish breastfeeding and nobody, but nobody could argue with it, if being reasonable and properly informed.

Good luck and have a hug so shoot me

Onside, damn you iphone

Okay. As a granny I am telling you that you really must stay at home. For one thing, horrid as it sounds, I can imagine your DD wanting a feed NOW and your husband not finding somewhere you can stop to do it, especially with MiL in the car.
You're too soon post-birth and you need the rest and quiet.
What's the worst he can do if you refuse to go?

(And I bet your mum would agree with us all)

I second what everyone else is saying. Madness.

Feel your inner mummy tiger and stay in bed with dd.

I let dh ( who is incredibly supportive) drag me on 'days out' in those first precious weeks. He meant well, but like the others I will never forgive that time I lost.

Find that rage!

Suspect most GPs will be unimpressed with a woman asking for a note from him/her to tell her husband she shouldn't travel. You are an adult, this man is not your employer and is supposed to love you. Just tell him you aren't going and SIL can either visit you sometime or you'll go when baby is older.
This really shouldn't be a difficult thing to say to your husband.

OP do you think small part of you is resigning yourself to the trip because deep down you're dying to get support, understanding, tea and cuddles from your Mum? I can imagine that right now you're feeling vulnerable and alone and so you're prepared to travel even though you know its not the best thing for you and your baby for all of the myriad reasons listed above. Your Mum is probably dying to see you too so you're not giving her the full picture of the situation because if she knew how you are really feeling and the machinations of the trip she'd probably dissuade you?

Its totally understandable, you've spent the week feeling in the minority in your own home of course the prospect of your parents house where you will be surrounded by "your team" feels wildly appealing right now. I'd feel precisely the same.

But do you think its really what you need? Precedents are being set here, you've got to decide how you want it to be for you and DD going forward. Along with seconding many others, for me ShroudOfHamsters offers excellent advice. This is big time. If he won't acquiesce, its tantrum or bust.

You have my absolute best wishes :)

Helena would your Mum come over/up to YOU for a few days?

Send DH & his mum packing & snuggle down with the baby & play on MN rest.