to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

[Helena77]

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door . I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again

nearly there, I really feel for you. I have barely forgiven DH for letting the ILs turn up at the hospital when I was very, very sick and had specifically said no visitors.

You definitely need to have a very long talk with your DH after this, and ensure it never happens again though.

Just ignore her.

I doubt she wants to argue.

Count down the hours & tell yourself that this will not happen again.

There´s always someone who´ll disagree with your parenting choices.

When I didn´t go back to work, a friend of my husband referred to me as a "kept woman"

You sound so level headed and thoughtful from your posts

I'm sure your milk supply will return once you get your peace this weekend

Maybe you should keep a note of your experience and write a book about it, there seems to be a gap in the Market

Think the army should teach more about how to be a husband to the men, it might help in the long term. Some army husbands are brilliant and would a good role model :)

In your situation I would tell your DH to have a word with his mother or I will.

I can't believe she doesnt realise that one month feeding 4 times during the day is not a bad thing newborns need alot!

How about a nice bath and then getting into bed with DD? Lots of skin to skin and snuggling and barricading the bedroom door tactical headache.

Tbh I've lost a bit of respect for my DH after this. I can't believe he was happy to let us leave even when I paraphrased a lot of what you lot had said and made alternative suggestions. For him the only options were for me to stay and stoically suck it all up, or drive all that way. Even tonight after all this stress this week he is going out to do a quote or small job that he could delay, leaving me with her yet again.

It's made me realise how low a priority I am, and when I think it through he quite often makes decisions that affect me without consulting me. If I get consulted then the opinion is ignored if it differs from what he has already decided or agreed with others. When I told him this during the 'sleepless night' on Tuesday he told me I was being silly and sensitive.

Sorry this is turning into a DH rant but what a wake up call!

I've wrestled DD back off MiL and we are having a nice cuddle. MiL goes on Saturday and we all have to go with her as DSiL wants to meet DD so apparently the mountain has to go to Mohammed. Something else I lost an argument about!

I'm really starting to wonder, you know.

Don't go, please. Say you are tired, you are recovering from surgery, and want to spend some time, alone with your newborn.

I really think you need to put your foot down; as you say you are losing respect for your DH. Please think carefully, if you don't sort this out now it is the kind of thing that festers and can lead to long-term resentment.

Having been in a similar but not quite situation, and left things to fester for years, can i recomend asking DH to go to some relate sessions with you. You need a chance to tell him (and him have to listen and really hear what you are saying) how his treatment of you makes you feel.
It's a lot harder after 10 or more years!

Do not go with MIL on Saturday, you don't need to argue about it. You've got to put you and your DD first at this time.

Please consider getting your HV to have a word with your H.

Stay in your room, lock the door, cuddles with your DD.

She stays with you from now on - no more time with MIL, if you're having problems with your milk supply then you need to be together, she needs to feed as and when, no distractions.

It's too important to put second.

Tell your DH that he needs to be here tonight. And if he's not, you'll know just how much of a priority you and your daughter are.

Secondly, tell him that you and DD will NOT be going with MIL on Saturday. The stress of this visit has caused your milk supply to falter. You now need - that's right - NEED - to stay home, with DD, in peace and quiet, and allow the routine to return. Your MIL and SIL's needs come a very, very poor second to that.

Yes, this is a wake-up call. Make sure you tell him that that is the way you're seeing it. And if he now continues to put you and your daughter's needs second to his mother's, you will know that you are right to see it that way. You expect nothing less than full support in staying home and concentrating on your health and that of your baby, and your feeding routine.

Please don't go on Saturday, seriously, the last thing your DD needs right now is a long journey in a car seat, more time off the breast when she will want to suckle a lot to boost supply, more new people holding her, more new smells etc.

Tell your DH in no uncertain terms that if breastfeeding fails because of this visit, then you will never, ever forgive either him or his mother. Because I don't think you will forgive them. I wouldn't. You've been treated appallingly here.

I strongly agree that you should stay at home when MIL goes. You need the time recovering and focussing on your baby.

If your SIL wants to see the baby she should contact your DH about a mutually convenient time for her to come to you for an hour or two (although not until you've got over MIL's visit).

Can you get either your MW or HV to talk to him too. Mine would back me up about needing babytime if I asked them to.
Do not go, just refuse, he can't make you, and the baby needs to be with you.

Good luck!

I'm so sorry, by the way - so sorry that this is so difficult at the moment.

Breastfeeding is TOUGH. It was a battle for me until about ten weeks. We had one BIG couple of days of refusal to suckle (cue expressing nightmare), mastitis, it was awful for some of the time.

But it all got sorted. If you're a month in and going strong, then a stumble will probably be ok, you will get it sorted, your supply isn't that fragile.

But you DO need to completely prioritise feeding. Over everything. That IS your DD's world: it needs to be your world too, for the next few days. You can't take your eye off this ball right now. Bed, baby, skin-to-skin, tv remote, yummy food brought to you in bed, above all, no stress. No MIL. No DH, at this rate. You and baby and only lovely non-stressy people generously allowed in the room to sit on the end of the bed if they behave, and keep their nosey nibs out of your business :)

You need to be quite clear to your DH that this one is non-negotiable: you aren't going anywhere. If you think that isn't going to be an easy battle - don't fight it (you're too busy concentrating on feeding to have any sort of fight, remember). Call your mum and ask her to come down - either to take you back to theirs for some TLC while you get your routine back, or to simply make it clear to your DH that you aren't coming - you mean it- you have made plans for your mum to come down - it is a done deal. No discussion. You are deply worried and upset. Don't push your luck with me right now.

In fact I'd do that now, in advance. Call your mum and have a chat about it. You need a bit of real support in your corner right now.

Don't go on Saturday! How many hours away is it? You don't need to be sitting in a car all that time! I thought seat belts so soon after a cs weren't advised? You need to put yourself first. No one put me first when I had my dcs and I really suffered for it. I wish I could go back, I would do it so differently!

God, don´t go.

MIL will moan everytime you feed.

You might not be able to feed comfortably in the car/need to stop anyway to change nappies.

And besides which -YOU DON`T WANT TO & you have recently had surgery so should be resting, have high BP so should not do anything that will cause stress.

Plus what about your blood pressure?! You have many good reasons not to go. The cs, blood pressure, breast feeding, baby only a month old, exhausted . . . how many more do you need!

I gave up BF my eldest at seven weeks old :( Excess visitors were not the whole reason but they certainly contributed. I wish I'd had someone at the time to tell me to go to bed with my baby and forget the rest of the world for a while. I remember staggering around in the background while various relatives sat on my settee taking turns to hold my baby. I know they wanted to meet him but, if I could turn the clock back I would have put them off for a few more weeks.

Don't go on Saturday. She'll probably sleep in the car for many more hours than she would at home and miss out on time she could be building up your suppply. Not to mention how stressed you will be. Put your foot down and tell DH he is doing the trip on his own.

I know! It's about 4 or 5 hours depending on traffic. I've no idea how or where I'll feed her either on the journey or when we are there... I've got some frozen expressed but I don't think using that would help the supply situation would it?

We have to stay over and DH wanted us to stay at MiL's which is a tiny one bed flat (we also have a large dog as well as a tiny baby). DSiL has massive house but won't have us because of the dog. I've arranged for us to stay over at my parents house but DH isn't happy. It's a lot of travelling and it's unfair on DD but DH reckons its best to get all the visits out of the way early on. God I'm so fed up of it all!

My BP is getting checked again tomorrow at the docs. I doubt it'll have come down and part of me thinks that even if it's sky high my DH will still insist we go rather than disappoint his family.

Allgoodnames I can relate to the staggering around...

You're right using the expressed milk would be bad for supply and also lead to your breasts becoming engorged and at risk from mastitis. It would be painful at minimum and potentially dangerous to your health. You really can't do a journey of that length and then back again of course. I mean you could for something important but not for this.

I have just seen your age on another thread - you're not a young girl (as I had thought from this post) you are a mature mum and you need to put your daughter and your health first. Stand up for yourself - you know you're right and you can't go against your instinct on this.

I was in favour of trying to resolve matters with MIL but this proposed journey is madness.

He can insist, but you don´t have to.

"but DH reckons its best to get all the visits out of the way early on."

Why?

Because they´re done, they never have to be done again??!!

He´ll just say, oh it was OK last time, we can do it again, & again...

HOW can your DH be less happy at staying with your parents than at staying with his mum in her one-bed flat? If he misses her company that much, he should have taken the week of work to spend with her... And let me guess, she doesn't give up her bedroom for you.

Seriously, I just wouldn't go. Bollocks to DH "insisting" anything. I'd tell DH to go on his own- after all, it'll give him a lovely opportunity to catch up with his mum as he's been out working all week leaving her with you. And you can just be all unstressy on your own with DD, getting your BP down and your milk supply up.

It's time to put your foot down, very hard on DH's neck. Seriously though, he is basically dictating your life to you. Does he care about you at all??

Please listen to us all, everyone is saying the same thing. We've had children (don't mean that patronisingly at all, just that we understand how hard it is) and know that now is your time to bond, look after and get used to the new baby in your life. If there is one time you can, and should, be selfish - this is it.

FWIW I had serious BP problems during and after pregnancy and ended up back in hospital, turned out I had an adrenal tumour that was hard to diagnose. It's unlikely you have something like this, but if problems continue it's worth asking for a referral to an endocrinologist.