to abandon my house to get away from my MIL?

[Helena77]

I'm really sorry, I know you hate MIL threads (I know this due to being a namechanging regular) but I really need some help.

I have a one month old DD, and my MIL is spending this week with us as she lives quite far away so has to stop with us. My DH invited her without really running it past me, despite knowing he would be at work all week. When I found out and I asked him to make it a week when he would be here he said it was too late and (wrongly) said I'd agreed to it shortly after giving birth.

It's not that I don't get on with her but she's 80 and is not the 'help' she thinks she is. In fact she has caused me and my DD more stress this past couple of days than we can cope with. Not just the extra stuff I have to do like making her lunch/dinner, but I am constantly having to worry about her as she can hardly walk (has a bad hip) and has a lot of falls, but has been walking about with the baby which terrifies me (our floors are tiled although that's hardly the point). My DH had a word with her about this last night. My DD will not settle with her and our routine (what there is of it) is totally unsettled as I have been trying to please my MIL rather than thinking about what is right for my DD.

My MIL doesn't seem to agree with breastfeeding and keeps telling me that my DD is not getting enough food. My DD cries when she is with my MIL but then instantly calms when I take her, so I know it isn't that she's hungry but my MIL insists she is. The other day she said she was going to go get a bottle and feed my DD as she felt she was hungry and I told her firmly that nobody was going to bottle feed her and that she was fine, that breastmilk is enough. I hate confrontation and I don't want to have an open row with her, but I feel she is destroying what little confidence I have managed to build up with my skills as a new mother - she's my first DC but I'm not a PFB type, honestly. I struggled with BFing at first but now it's going great.

Today I have spent a lot of time upstairs 'breastfeeding' but in reality I'm just trying to have an easier life and stop my DD getting so upset. I also need time away from my MIL but I cannot trust her alone with my DD (or at least, I want to be not too far away) so I have to take my DD with me. This has understandably led my MIL to believe that I am breastfeeding a lot more than I am.

My MIL's granddaughter had a baby just before me and is formula feeding so I am always hearing how "GD does this, and GGD is this" etc etc. I am totally happy with my choice to bf and I don't need to keep hearing how I should be FFing from someone who clearly doesn't know much about it.

Still things were ticking over and I was biting my tongue a lot and giving off an air of "everything's fine, you're being really helpful, please can you hold her while I do something vastly important" so she felt useful. I've also compromised a lot of my own instincts, so when my DD is getting very upset with my MIL I have stayed in the next room lest my MIL feels that I'm not giving her a chance, which is really difficult for me. But tonight I have had enough.

My DH came in from work and we went into the lounge where my MIL had my (screaming) DD. He took her for a cuddle and my MIL remarked to him yet again "Do you think she's getting enough food, she's very unsettled". DH and I yet again explained that BFing was enough, the HV is happy, her weight is perfect, right amount of nappies etc. and my MIL said "well SHE (meaning me) seems to have to feed her a lot, it's been 4 times today!". I left the room at this point as I was very angry about being talked about as if I wasn't in the room, and I slammed the door . I can't deal with this for another 3 days, the anxiety of it all. I know it's small potatoes but it's just unbearable and I am starting to dislike my MIL a great deal. I don't even want to go back downstairs.

I have told my DH that tomorrow I am going to stay with my parents until Sunday (they live 4 hours away). He was very understanding, said he didn't blame me, and said he had no idea his mother would be so insensitive towards me. We are having to fabricate a story about a dying grandparent.

Is this a terrible thing to do? On the one hand I feel bad towards my MIL as I'll be taking DD away, and I also don't see why me and DD should have to leave our own house, but on the other hand my MIL doesn't seem to care about upsetting ME. I don't like running away but DH has told me not to have a confrontation so I can't have it out with her, but I really can't stay with the atmosphere like this, and the feeding thing has become a real bone of contention now. I feel that every time my DD cries, my MIL thinks it's because I'm a bad mother who doesn't feed her enough.

So before I go to down the 'dying grandparent' route I thought I'd consult you here. Thanks if you got this far and sorry again

Also, if SIL hasn´t seen baby yet, another couple of weeks-or whatever until she can get to you won´t hurt, will it!

I know I'm not young but I think because of the age gap there is a certain amount of my DH thinking he must know best and after 10 years I've sort of started believing it. I'm trying to be more assertive now we have a DC but I guess it's hard for him to process his normally 'easygoing' wife suddenly standing up for herself so I still get dismissed.

I'm trying to focus on seeing my own parents and DB but I'm really worried about the feeding thing as its going to be manic. My DH was very pro BFing but doesnt understand the realities of it. As long as it doesn't inconvenience him he's all for it.

Hi Helena :) I've been lurking reading about your situation for the last few days. I'm sorry you've got to this point after having the baby rather than before as now I imagine it's much harder to cope with.

In terms of visiting, I believe it's bad for babies to be in a car seat for more than two hours. I know it's bad for anyone's blood pressure to be in a car with extended family for more than 20 mins! I really wouldn't go.

I think you need to decide whether you'd rather stand up for yours and your baby's rights and risk a confrontation or go along with your husband and his family's wishes and end up feeling more stressed and resentful. Only you know what you feel strong enough to do but I can see there are loads of people here that want to support you and help you do what you think is right for you and your baby at this moment in time.

Good luck :)

If you are serious about starting to be more assertive with DH, and hell it sounds like you need to, then this is the perfect place to start.

And presumably you'll have the return journey on the Sunday? Ye gods- no way!

How old are you Helena?

Why isn't DH happy for your to stay with your parents? It's a ridiculous idea for you all to stay at your MILs, tell him so! I'm guessing you'd be sleeping on the floor - not great after a CS and not great when you are having blood pressure issues. You need to stay home and relax for your health!

I have been there with the older guy thinking he knew best, it's a real problem and hard to get passed as he is used to you being the way you have always been and the roles the 2 of you have had.

If you allow your H to insist on you taking this trip, it is likely to be the death knell for your marriage. That sounds melodramatic, but it is not. He is making it clear that you and your DD don't come first with him. It is very hard to come back from that (bitter experience).

It sounds like he has decided that you are being over sensitive about things, and as a result you are not getting through to him at all. I think he will come to regret his pigheadedness, as my DH does, but you won't be able to get this time back. And rebuilding trust won't be easy.

You've got to take responsibility and refuse to be browbeaten. Easier said than done, which is why your HV may be able to provide some real life support. He may take her more seriously

i can´t imagine why he thinks he knows best just because he´s older-and if so, he sounds like his mum!

Why would he think he knows more about your BP, care needed after your CS, Bfeeding your daughter than you?

Incidentally-I don´t think the baby should be in a car for 4hrs-but should you?

I think you will have to point out to your H that just because he is older than you does not make him your boss, and that you are not going to obey him. You are not going on this trip and the subject is not up for discussion.
Unfortunately, marriages often go through a bad patch when the first baby arrives as all of a sudden the woman is prioritising something other than obeying the man. Your relationship, by the sound of it, has always been a matter of him getting his own way and you thinking that it doesn't really matter if it's always his choice of food/entertainment/who you spend time with.

If he's a decent man, he will realise in time that this is his wake-up call, it's time he considered your wishes and wellbeing ahead of everyone else's. If he's not a decent man, it will become clear very soon.

Helena - dont go on Sunday. Come down with a migraine and stay home with your baby - 4/5 hour journey with difficulties feeding is not what you need; a baby moon in bed with your little one is precisely what you need.

Helena, please don't go. You are already stressed and it's affecting your supply - the journey will make it much worse. (Have you yet experienced the throbbing pain of Boobs that need emptying? If not i'm sure there are plenty on here who will agree with me it can be agony.)

I did a similar stressful visit at 4 weeks and the day after I returned got mastitis so severely I was on intravenous antibiotics and in hospital for 5 days. The skin fell off my right boob as if i'd burnt it.

Yes I know that's a bit of a scare story but i'm just trying to give you confidence to put you and your lovely baby and the BFing FIRST. It's the right thing to do.

I think a lot of the problem (apart from my own inability to put my foot down) is that neither my DH nor my MiL understand about BFing and nobody that my MiL will listen to has ever done it successfully, so they simply can't relate. I can tell them, but my opinion counts for nothing. If we don't travel on Saturday (and I ESPECIALLY don't want to if being in the car is bad for DD even if I can put up with all my own issues about going) then how do I not make it look like its just an excuse and I'm playing some sort of swooning weak palefaced attention seeking card about being "ill" iykwim. I can just see them rolling their eyes thinking its all just an excuse not to go, or keep DD away from them. I'm already pretty sure my MiL thinks im only BFing to have some sort of weird control over DD that they can't get involved in.

We struggled so hard with BFing what with the CS, my delayed milk, and a tongue tie. There's no way I want it to fail now!

FWIW, my DH is a lot older than me, but for all his faults, he has never tried to order me around or in any way tried to use his seniority to "pull rank" (said with heavy sarcasm).

I am inclined to agree with WhollyGhost- if not the death knell of your relationship, a severe blow you won't easily come back from. You've already said you're starting to lose respect for him. If he pressures you into going and then you have a horrible time because of having to stop to feed every couple of hours, or DD gets stressed at the journey, or if he is difficult about your overnight arrangements, that will quickly become upgraded to actual resentment.

I think it's time for you to lose your wits for a second and issue a few very firm and very loud FUCK OFFF, THE LOT OF YOU's. Seriously, you need to grab back your control and tell them ALL off.

Take no prisoners!

I don't see it as purely to do with BFing. I FF and wouldn't have wanted to do that at 4 weeks, and nor should I have had to. You have had a baby, if people want to see the baby, the visit you (briefly!). End of.

Helena, does it really matter what they think of you if you decide not to go? They are able to dismiss your thoughts regardless of whether you are being calm or not as you being 'over emotional' so I think however you put it this is the conclusion they'll draw. As it's easier to do that than to face up to the fact they are being unreasonable and are putting their wants above you and your baby's needs.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd rather be thought of as flaky and be happy than be thought of as a trooper and feel like crap both physically and mentally. Having a break from them will also give you time to marshall your thoughts and decide how you feel about things.

What do you want to do?

"I can just see them rolling their eyes thinking its all just an excuse not to go..."

I think that if you re-read this thread in a few months' time you will be amazed that you wrote that. Why on earth should you, a grown woman, have to go anywhere you don't want to? Especially given health considerations, yours and your baby's. These are not excuses, they are valid reasons.

Please do not, as I did, try to sacrifice your own wellbeing in favour of everyone else. You and your DD are a unit. You can't ignore your own interests while putting her first. Why put yourself through an ordeal for fear of in laws rolling their eyes? If they are decent people they won't, and even if they do, it is not important.

Take Solidgold's excellent advice.

"I can just see them rolling their eyes thinking its all just an excuse not to go, or keep DD away from them. "

So let them.

MIL has been with you a week-how is that keeping your daughter away?

Newborns sleep a lot.

If she had her for all the time she wasn´t feeding/sleeping, it probably wouldn´t be that much!

And if she kept her mouth shut you would probably have spent more time with her FFS!

"I'm already pretty sure my MiL thinks im only BFing to have some sort of weird control over DD that they can't get involved in."

She lives 4hrs away, your husband works all day-how involved were either of them ever going to be in feeding

Have been following your post as I too had PIL (she was 79, he was 80) issues when DS born 11 wks prematurely and in Neonatal unit - not just BF, but "aren't you going to get him circumcised?", "you'll spoil him holding him all the time" "you need to start parting his hair" blah bloody blah and us being expected to collect and PILs a round trip of 230 miles. DP was supportive of me but was being emotionally blackmailed.
I still remember the silence in the reception of the special care unit when I yelled that 60 year old baby advice when they knew F-all about prem babies was the last F-ing thing I needed. Not only did other mums later applaud but PIL backed off and DP never ever questioned my opinion again. DS is 10 now and it's still the best rant I ever had.
MIL now proudly talks about how BF was the key to why DS thrived as though it was all her idea. They'll get over it - put YOURSELF and DD first!

How old are you? How old is DH? Come on - tell us!

"you need to start parting his hair"

OP-this will probably sound horrible, but neither your husband or MIL seem to have much respect for you.

I can´t see that you bothering to go or not on Saturday will change that tbh.

See what Tatty did? That's what you need to do OP. That's setting out what your relationship is going to be like from now on.

Damn! DS is nearly SIX and I still haven't parted his hair.

Am I going to HELL?

TATTYMUM, TATTYMUM, TATTYMUM, TATTYMUM!