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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can abuse ever be a child's fault?

237 replies

MrsHuxtable · 01/11/2011 13:16

I have a thread on relationships about my mother but things have come to a head and I want some quick replies.

Basically, my mum hit me a lot when I was a child (not just a slap, but properly with a hover pipe etc) and also abused me emotionally. She's visiting us rigth now and she kept being all negative about me and during the fight I told her how her abuse has damged me and is still influencing my life.

She then went on to say that firstly she hadn't abused me and my memory was wrong. She then admitted to the abuse but said it was my fault because I was provoking her and was already bad as a 2year old.

She is now feeling sorry for herself and packing her stuff. I don't know what to do. Will I just let her leave?

Can abuse ever be a child's fault? How horrible would I have had to be for this to happen to me?

OP posts:
whattodoo · 01/11/2011 13:28

It might make you feel better for your DH to explain to her how you feel and how she has hurt/damaged you. But I don't honestly think you should hold out much hope that she'll suddenly realise what a bad mother she's been. She's been in denial all your life.
Once your DH has given it to her straight, get him to call a cab to take her to wherever she wants to go (at her expense). Then turn off your phone and all other means of communication that she uses to talk to you (relatives, FB etc) until you know she is back home. Do not allow her to contact you until YOU feel comfortable speaking with her. take the upper hand now - only have a relationship on your terms (if at all).
Stay strong until she is out of the door and then thank your DH for standing up for you and let him hug you until your tears dry.

TheScaryJessie · 01/11/2011 13:28

Absolutely not your fault. Even if you were the naughtiest little two year old ever, in the history of humanity, a two-year-old you could never be more responsible for an adult's actions, than the adult herself!

And if a child was the most incredibly naughty two-year-old in the history of humanity, I'd be taking a good, long, hard look at the child's parent(s), and the treatment the child was receiving in the first place!

helenthemadex · 01/11/2011 13:29

help the old witch with her packing and shove her out of the door nasty toxic woman. maybe her actions will make her think about the way she treated you and realise that it is not normal or acceptable

her behaviour then and now is inexcuseable

Do not try to explain further now you are to upset and emotional, maybe consider writing a letter, Im a great believer in letters/emails because you can draft them and go back after a day or so and add or delete bits which you cant do when talking face to face with someone

as others have suggested maybe couselling of some sort will help

but absolutely believe it was NOT your fault

LaPruneDeMaTante · 01/11/2011 13:29

Can I just say good on you too for standing your ground.
It's hard to do (another one with a fucked up mother...)

marthastew · 01/11/2011 13:30

No, never.

Look back at your two-year old self and for the sake of that little girl, get rid of this woman.

Original poster
MrsHuxtable · 01/11/2011 13:32

I don't think was beating me already when I was 2. The particular hover incident, I think I must have been about 9. She only brought up me being 2 to demonstrate how bad I was. Apparently other peopple old her so as well. But I do remember that she always only told have of the story to outsiders, like "MrsHuxtable did this and that" but nor what she said or did.

I seriously don't remember what I did to misbehave. I know I shouted at her and was rude but that was during the fights we had. I was never in trouble in school or elsewhere so don't know how it started. Generally, she was already in a snappy mood when she came home from work and no matter what I said was wrong.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 01/11/2011 13:32

No, never, never, never.

Let her go.

I'm sensing that you have been building up to talking to her about this and felt that you would get some sort of different response. Maybe you had an image in your head that she would admit it and you would find peace with her? I'm sorry it didn't work out that way, but it doesn't change the facts of the situation.

Which are

It was not your fault.

Now let her go.

poppycat04 · 01/11/2011 13:33

I hope she has left already. Horrible woman. My mum was like this. They spout all this rubbish and you end up thinking they must be right and that you deserved it.SadSadSad

Well you didn't. You were a child. How dare she come out with such crap. I hope your DH wastes no more time trying to explain. If this was your friend and her mum what would you say to her?? Would you tell her that as a child she deserved it?

Don't cry. Be strong. Chuck her out. Protect your kids.
Consider going non contact until you've had some time to yourself.

MmeLindor. · 01/11/2011 13:33

No.

Can you imagine hitting a two year old, and saying "it was your fault because you were naughty?".

No, neither can anyone with an ounce of empathy and compassion.

Good for you for standing up to her, and good for your DH for supporting you and being there for you.

KouklaWhooooo · 01/11/2011 13:34

Please don't believe you were a horrible 2yr old. She was the horrible one. Abuse is never a child's fault. Deep down, despite blaming you, she will know this. Let her go.

TeWihara · 01/11/2011 13:35

Let her go.

No, it wasn't your fault. Even if you WERE naughty, it STILL wouldn't be your fault.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's not your concern where she goes now, protect yourself, protect your family, you don't have to have anything to do with her. Who cares if she's your mum? She hasn't acted like it.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 01/11/2011 13:35

oh, well, if she waited until you were nine years old to start beating you with objects...
Sad so sad for the little child that you were and so sad that she screwed you up so badly that you aren't able to see clearly how wrong this was or be angry as hell and boot her out. You poor thing.

come on, pet. stop your husband from trying to argue / reason with her and just show her the door and slam it on her arse.

moonshineandspellbooks · 01/11/2011 13:35

Good for you for standing up to her.

Abuse is never the victim's fault. Ever.

It may help to change your angle on it and realise that if she was capable of admitting that it was all her fault, she probably wouldn't have been the sort of mother who hit you in the first place.

She may have had a very difficult time of it while you were a child, but while that makes her behaviour easier to understand it does NOT make it acceptable. Excuses ("I was working all the time", "I did my best", "You were a difficult child", etc) are just that - excuses.

I am so, so sorry for what you went through as a child.

Hope you're feeling better.

Original poster
MrsHuxtable · 01/11/2011 13:36

I'm 28 btw, so this all happened in the late 80s and 90s so I don't know how common it was to hit children...

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 01/11/2011 13:36

MrsH
Do you have children yet? If you don't then one day you will look at your 2 year old child and think, "How could she?". You will find it incomprehensible. And you will know for sure that the fault was all your mothers.

My 9 year daughter can be a right little monster sometimes and yes, sometimes I shout and get angry at her.

I would no more hit her with a hoover pipe than I would cut off my own hand. No matter how "naughty" she was, no matter what she did.

ShirleyGoesBananas · 01/11/2011 13:37

So many other people on this thread have had similar experiences. We can't all be bad, OP.

Original poster
MrsHuxtable · 01/11/2011 13:38

I'm pregnant with my first baby for those who asked btw.

I appreciate every answer so much as I'm feeling genuinely lost.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 01/11/2011 13:38

it wasn't common to beat them with ruddy household objects, MrsH!

It was physical abuse.

Is she gone yet?

LunaticFringe · 01/11/2011 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorelliOrRanger · 01/11/2011 13:38

Aww this is so sad.

I'd let her go, what a horrible person to blame a child for her abusing you.

2 nights in a hotel should give her time to think about what a bitch she's been.

working9while5 · 01/11/2011 13:39

It is classic of abusers to blame their victims. It was not your fault when you were a child and it is not your fault now. She is still abusing you. The difference is that as an adult you don't need her. You did when you were little. Let her go.

MorelliOrRanger · 01/11/2011 13:39

Don't let her anywhere near your baby.

BTW working does not make you a good parent.

Whatmeworry · 01/11/2011 13:40

I believe there can be appallingly unpleasant kids, but its the adult parent's job to sort them out, not abuse them.

Rhubarb0oooo · 01/11/2011 13:40

Read back what you have written.

She has justified her behaviour by saying you were bad from the age of two.
She told others that you were bad.
She says you are a liar.
She is under your roof visiting you and she is negative about your life.
She says you have damaged HER.

I'm sorry but she is visiting and you have kindly offered to put her up, yet this is how she repays you?
She sounds like she has struggled with motherhood and didn't know how to discipline so has let her temper get the better of her. She knew this was wrong, which is why she sought out people who would justify what she had done (by telling them only her side of the story) and now she has been put on the spot she is turning it all back onto you because she cannot handle the guilt she feels.
She knows she was a bad parent, but the only way she can deal with that knowledge is to justify it by saying you were a bad child.

She is a destructive influence and what the hell is your dp doing consoling HER whilst leaving YOU in tears???? Sounds like her appauling upbringing of you has effected your self esteem, your confidence and your life.

Book her into a Travelodge, get your dp to take her and then sit down with him, tell him everything that happened and how you feel and you bloody well demand his support.

She might be your mother, but she has no right to treat you in this manner. She was the adult, the responsible one and she failed you. It was her duty to protect you and give you a loving and caring home. Instead she took out all her problems onto you and now seems set to drag you down further just to allay the guilt she feels.
Be strong x

travellingwilbury · 01/11/2011 13:41

MrsH Abuse of any kind is NEVER the fault of the victim , whether they are a child or an adult . Nobody deserves to be hit no matter how "naughty" they have been .

The sooner she is gone out of your life the better .

She will not change until she accepts the truth of what she has done , no matter how many times your dh tells her , she will believe her version of it to be fact .

Now is your chance to take back control from her , you are doing a brave thing and any normal mother would be proud of you for taking a stand against an abuser .