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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can abuse ever be a child's fault?

237 replies

MrsHuxtable · 01/11/2011 13:16

I have a thread on relationships about my mother but things have come to a head and I want some quick replies.

Basically, my mum hit me a lot when I was a child (not just a slap, but properly with a hover pipe etc) and also abused me emotionally. She's visiting us rigth now and she kept being all negative about me and during the fight I told her how her abuse has damged me and is still influencing my life.

She then went on to say that firstly she hadn't abused me and my memory was wrong. She then admitted to the abuse but said it was my fault because I was provoking her and was already bad as a 2year old.

She is now feeling sorry for herself and packing her stuff. I don't know what to do. Will I just let her leave?

Can abuse ever be a child's fault? How horrible would I have had to be for this to happen to me?

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 03/11/2011 14:00

^^ I think you should print out Thumb's post and stick it on your mirror OP. Glad she's gone, and hope you can relax and enjoy the rest of your pg but it might be helpful to do some thinking and working on how you feel about the situation meantime. I guarantee you will have all sorts of feelings come to the surface once your DC is here... I don't mean that in a bad way, just not to push everthing back down now your M has left, IYSWIM?

lynlynnicebutdim · 03/11/2011 14:21

OP i am reading this at work and haven't had time to read the whole ten pages, but no it can never have been your fault.

When i was a child my mother used to thrash us. She had a wooden handled feather duster that she would use and when we stole it and buried it in the back garden, she used an enormous wooden spoon. She would leave huge welts across the backs of our legs, back etc. I remember her doing this from very early on in my childhood, maybe 3 possibly younger. She stopped when i got tall and big enough to take it off her and hit her with it. I was about 13.

My DD is 18 months old. When she runs at me with her arms wide asking for a "cuggle" i sometimes think how anyone could ever think it was ok to beat a child only a little older than her.

It has taken me a long time to really believe it but my mothers actions were not my fault. THey were the result of her own mental health issues, not my behavior, which was pretty normal for my age. She does not see that she did anything wrong and most likely never will. She has a mental imagine of herself as a caring and strong mother. Recognising the abuse would threaten that. Thankfully she lives 12,000 miles away and my interaction with her is limited to a weekly phone call. She has very little interaction with my DD and that is unlikely to change. I will never leave DD in her care.

Original poster
MrsHuxtable · 03/11/2011 16:51

OMG! I feel no longer guilty!!!

DH just phoned from work. He found a Christmas Card in his bag from my mum, addressed to only him. The cover of the card says TO A VERY SPECIAL BOY! and inside is money that he is to use for a new desk for himself.

A few days ago, she had witnessed a conversation between DH and me where he was wondering if he should buy a new desk when we move flats in 4 weeks. I said that I didn't think it was a good idea as out of my very small savings we have to furnish the whole flat and cover a lot of other costs as we have to pay rent and council tax double for a few months. It's gonna be very very hard financially as it is and we have 2 perfectly fine, 2 year-old desks, one of which we are giving away because we have no need for it. He understood my argument immediatelly and the issue was solved.

I'm now so angry. This all ties in with my mum always saying my husband is so poor for being with me as I'm so horrible.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 03/11/2011 16:57

Hold that thought MrsH and don't slip back!

WhollyGhost · 03/11/2011 17:11

Use the money for a last pre-baby night out on her Grin

Take thumb's advice, choose to be free, you owe her nothing

MorelliOrRanger · 04/11/2011 13:49

Nasty woman. I really think that should be it - close the door on her, she's not good for your confidence or anything else, being underhand like that with your hubby.

grrrr on your behalf :( Angry

ohanotherone · 04/11/2011 14:32

Never feel guilty again. She is a snideypoisionperson.

droves · 06/11/2011 06:50

Send the card back to her with the money ...

I always thought accepting gifts cards from my toxic family members was like accepting gifts from hitler /bin laden /pol pot .

Why would you want a gift from a monster ?

exoticfruits · 06/11/2011 07:43

I would get DH to send the money back with a polite note saying 'we don't like playing mind games and being manipulated'.

droves · 06/11/2011 09:08

Actually , the more i think about it , that " gift " and card to your dh is not a gift.

It's a divide and concer tactic.

She is hoping you and dh argue over " the desk" .

Given that you had already agreed to forgo a new desk for dh , and she had heard that . ...it's a pretty shitty thing to do.

She wants her pg daughter to argue with her husband.

Vile woman.

LydiaWickham · 06/11/2011 10:57

yes, send back the money, with a nice note from your DH saying "thank you but we've decided not to get a desk." Otherwise you're letting her think she can control what happens in your own home. She needs to see that you are a team.

PartyPooperz · 06/11/2011 23:29

MrsH Glad to hear she's gone. Ooh you and DH should have some fun concocting his 'thank you note'.

Dear Mrs H's Mum

Thank you so much for your thoughtful gift. I hope you don't mind but I have been wanting to treat Mrs H for a while - she's been such a trooper recently. I promise I will tell Mrs H that it's only possible because of your gift, but I have booked her an amazing spa day I'd had my eye on with a pregnancy massage. You really are a lovely mum!

Mr H

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