Can abuse ever be a child's fault?

[MrsHuxtable]

I have a thread on relationships about my mother but things have come to a head and I want some quick replies.

Basically, my mum hit me a lot when I was a child (not just a slap, but properly with a hover pipe etc) and also abused me emotionally. She's visiting us rigth now and she kept being all negative about me and during the fight I told her how her abuse has damged me and is still influencing my life.

She then went on to say that firstly she hadn't abused me and my memory was wrong. She then admitted to the abuse but said it was my fault because I was provoking her and was already bad as a 2year old.

She is now feeling sorry for herself and packing her stuff. I don't know what to do. Will I just let her leave?

Can abuse ever be a child's fault? How horrible would I have had to be for this to happen to me?

To put it in perspective, if you were out and saw a 2 yr old with a mother shouting at her and smacking her would you:
a, think what a dreadful DC, the poor mother.
or
b, that poor DC, the mother is handling it quite wrongly and needs help, I wonder if I should report it?

I doubt whether a single person would go for a,-even if the DC had been doing something they shouldn't.

The only possible excuse you could give would be if the DC had run into the road in front of a car and the mother was in a state of fright, I can't think of anything else that would be excusable.

Tell her to go now. You're stepmum sounds lovely, get your motherly support from her!

Just to update. My mum hasn't actually left. I had asked DH to stop her because although I know she's an adult and responsible for herself, her English isn't that great and I don't know if she would have managed to just find a hotel. Probably yes but she was in such a state, sobbing and feeling sorry for herself, I didn't want her travelling through to Edinburgh by herself. Just on the tint off chance that something might have gone wrong, I wouldn't want to be in the position for it to be my fault. She has however gone off to town. No idea what she's doing or when she'll be back.

She is here for 2 more nights and I will just keep my distance. Unless she comes to apologise in which case I will speak to her. Nevertheless, this will be her last stay in my home (unless she changes and even then it will be a while) and I will restrict contact via phone to the bare minimum for the rest of this pregnancy as I want to enjoy this time and not feel stressed.

VikingLady Thank you for your mum's idea with the wipes. I will do that. I guess there's no reason to go into detail with the GP, just ask for a referral. They will see in my notes that I have been treated with ADs in the past.I wonder if speaking to the midwife is also an option? If I told her I'm struggeling a little, what would that mean for my pregnancy and baby? Would they put a red sticker on my notes and wonder if I'm incompetent to raise my child?

I also wonder about something more practical. I'm moving in 4 weeks. My GP said, they will see me through this pregnancy but once the baby is here in February, I will most likely have to change GPs and see someone in my new postcode area.
So if I got myself onto some sort of Counselling waiting list now, I'd have to presumably join a new list in the new year?

Thank you for all your posts. It helps me see that this is not my fault but I am now an adult and need to deal with this for the sake of my own baby. I will do it. It's funny though, I was out earlier to get my flu jab done and just because I was away from my mum for a couple of hours, I started to waver again and was trying to justify her behaviour. I still feel guilty.

On another note, I'm really sorry for all of you who have also suffered from abusive parents. It's quite shocking to see how many of us there are.

Your mother is a monster . Don't let her leave ...kick her out instead .

How could anybody who loves their 2 year old baby do them harm ?

But your mother did , she hit you with a Hoover tube .

Evil nasty bitch .

Keep her away from your baby , for both your sakes .

Your dh sounds lovely btw , I'm glad you deserve to be loved.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy .

I don't know why you need to contact her at all. I wouldn't bother if she makes you feel this bad!

Not your fault. She was responsible. She still refuses to take responsibility or even acknowledge what she has done.

she can't even see my point a little bit

That says it all.

It's because I feel guilty and she is lonely and has noone apart from me. Well, there's my granny, but they don't get on either.

Yeah, all she says is that she was a good mother because she always worked.

not worth the bother, not your fault, bad at 2? what?
let her go and stay gone
concentrate on healing yourself

Just seen your update OP.

So she's staying ...don't let her upset you .

If she starts her nasty behavior again , show her this thread .

Might get her a shock and make her look at herself .

Mnneters think she is abusive , and it's disgusting to say a 2 year old is bad , as a way of justifying that abuse .

Mrshuxtable you did not deserve one second of that abuse .
Not when you were a 2 yr old baby ,and not when you were growing up and not now.

She should be ashamed of herself.

I know. I just wish I could get her to see sense.

She really sees herself as the victim in all of this and in life in general.

A few people have mentioned the term narcicist but is that not someone who loves themselves? She is the opposite. She hates herself I think and thinks she's not worth anything. Then she twists everything anyone says to fit into that. Her answer to everything is" I'm doing everything wrong. I'm not worth anything. Everyone is just cruel to me"

If she's lonely , maybe it's because she has been vile and driven everyone else away .

Your her last target for abuse ...until your baby is born.

She is counting on you feeling guilty and sorry for her .It's her hold over you .
It gives her the chance time and again to continue the abuse against you .

You do realize that her vile behavior , inviting herself , criticizing you and the rest is still abuse ? . It's not just the hitting.

You poor girl .

MrsH the "woe is me" spiel is all part of an abusive personality. It is a manipulative way of making you feel sorry for her and thinking that you are the only person she has, to make you stay (or in this case let her stay) and take more of her abuse.

It is not your fault she's 'lonely'. She has caused that to happen by behaving the way she does. No one wants to know her because she isn't a nice person. It's not up to you to fix that. Look after yourself now x

DH just informs me that my mum is now sitting in the living room in the dark, not doing anything.

He thinks I should go speak to her. I don't want to yet.

Toxic translator .

Everyone is cruel to me = everyone is taking away my fun ,by standing up for themselves and not being easy targets for my abuse .

I'm not worth anything = feel sorry for me ,so I can verbally abuse you again ...it's easy because your a decent person.

I'm doing everything wrong = not an admission of guilt (although it's probably the nearest you will ever hear from her ) , turning the situation so you feel sorry for her again.

I'm a good mother I always worked = making you feel guilty because she provided money to cloth and feed you ect. Why should you feel guilty for receiving a basic right ? Does not absolve her of hitting you and verbally abusing you .

Treat her like a DC, if she is sitting alone in the dark she will come out eventually, if it doesn't get her any attention.

I like the idea of treating her like a child. After all, she behaves like one.

An abuser will always blame the person he or she is abusing.

But that person is never, ever to blame. Not at all. Never.

It's not your fault and nothing you did as a toddler means you were "already bad."

Whatever she has done to you, it was never your fault that she did it.

Let her go. It was never about you it was all about her and sounds like it still is

Dh is probably like yourself , too nice iykwim? .

Don't speak to her if you don't want to .

When you do , insist that she apologizes for her behavior .
Tell her that you will no longer tolerate her being critical or verbally abusive , and if she continues she will not be seeing grandchild .

This sulking in the dark is almost toddler behavior.

You know this is because you are pg , and she has to create a drama to regain all the attention back onto herself ????

Toxic.

I'm no expert but please God, don't let her play you like this. Just put yourself back in that 2yo's frame of mind. She didn't give a damn, she didn't look after you as she should have done, why in hell should you return the compliment now?

I'm big on family, really big, they come before anything. But there are limits. She's an adult, let her fend for herself.

MrsH. It's a great idea to talk to your midwife. Tell her basic details and let her know about abuse as a child and that you'd appreciate some counselling before your baby arrives.

I did this (for similar reasons) and I was quickly referred to a counsellor linked to the ante-natal service. She was marvellous and I continued to see her post-birth, about 6 months in total. As far as u know, there isn't a red flag against my name on a social services file, but even if there is it would be worth it because the counselling helped me enormously.
My relationship with my abuser is now in MY terms.
Good luck x

My mum is very like that. If me or my sister try to talk to her about anything from our childhood she refuses to speak and tells us we're 'getting at her'. She has confessed to me once that she didn't always do her best. That's as much as I will get in the way of an apology. My sister is desperate for some closure on it but she just exhausts herself trying. I don't think my mum can bring herself to fully acknowledge what she's done to us. I can't really blame her for that. I guess she wanted to be a good mum just as much as anyone else. She's told me about her childhood on a few very rare occasions. It was horrific. I wish I'd known what she'd been though earlier as it would have been easier to understand her mistakes. As difficult as it is, I forgive her for what she did. It's very hard not to see the humanity in your parents and feel sorry for them.

You need to forgive yourself though. That's always been the tough thing for me. A few people have said it too; it's so hard to shake the feeling that I am inherently bad or evil. Please get counselling if you need it to deal with these feelings. I've just had my first baby this year and it's brought a lot of emotions out for me. My childhood is coming back to haunt me. I'm obsessed with the idea of being a good or a bad mother. In truth, it's not really that way but things get very tangled in your head over the years, don't they?

That's how it made me feel anyway. I really hope something makes sense to you and you don't feel so alone. There's lots of up here if you need someone to talk to about any of this.

I hadn't made the link to me being pregnant.

The thing I generally don't understand is that when we speak on the phone or see each other, there's always a conflict because she says soemthing rude or very inappropriate. But then, she keeps phoning and wanting to visit. Dh says it's because she loves me and I want to believe that but then, if you love someone, surely you don't treat them like that...

I think I will start reading the Toxic Parents book tonight.