Can abuse ever be a child's fault?

[MrsHuxtable]

I have a thread on relationships about my mother but things have come to a head and I want some quick replies.

Basically, my mum hit me a lot when I was a child (not just a slap, but properly with a hover pipe etc) and also abused me emotionally. She's visiting us rigth now and she kept being all negative about me and during the fight I told her how her abuse has damged me and is still influencing my life.

She then went on to say that firstly she hadn't abused me and my memory was wrong. She then admitted to the abuse but said it was my fault because I was provoking her and was already bad as a 2year old.

She is now feeling sorry for herself and packing her stuff. I don't know what to do. Will I just let her leave?

Can abuse ever be a child's fault? How horrible would I have had to be for this to happen to me?

Her flight is only on Thursday so good knows where she'd go.

There are these things called hotels. She can find one - her problem.

Was absolutely not your fault. It is never a child's fault.

You were the victim and suffered at the hands of an abuser. That your abuser is your mother makes it all the worse.
Let her leave.

What's the alternative? to apologise to her?!
I think you may need some counselling to resolve in your mind your history. You also need some distance from your mother either in the short term or permanently - whichever suits YOU best.

Absolutely not. Can you imagine hitting a 2 year old with a hoover pipe for misbehaving? No.

Have you had any counselling about your childhood? Sounds horrendous MrsH

I would just say to your mum, "I'm sorry you can't accept an adult beating a 2 year old is morally repulsive and maybe you needed help you didn't get and things were bad for you - but really we both know there is no excuse and if Social Services had been involved you would have been in a lot of trouble. How about getting some counselling for your anger management issues?"

Do you need to be in contact with your mum? What does she actually bring to the party? I know that's a glib and crap way of putting it but having put up with a lot of shit (not an abusive mother so not as bad) from needy damaged people over the years it can be quite freeing to be so horribly bald about it - what does you and your mum's relationship do for you? If you're only continuing to see her out of guilt, do yourself a favour and block contact and just breathe. It's really really good. Honest.

No it's never a child's fault.

The nature of a child's character/personality whatever can elicit a particular response from a parent...

BUT, no matter how frustrated a parent finds a child, there is never any excuse for abuse.

FWIW, I have 2 children. One is very laid back and easy going, does exactly as they are told. The other is a bit of a minx. She is so frustrating and quite wilful in her behaviour. I have NEVER and will NEVER raised a hand, or anything else to her. She requires a different approach to parenting to her brother but if I were to hit, humiliate, torment, mock, etc her that would be down to my inability to respond appropriate to her. It would not be her fault. It would be mine.

Her response to you was her inability to find an approach or a solution to your behaviour (assuming you were a bit of a handful ), an inability to handle how that made her feel and a weakness on her part.

It was not your fault.

No two year old deserves to be hit. My mother used to hit me with a bamboo cane. Her logic was that it was what the Bible required parents to do.

I also think that in the 1970s it was considered acceptable to hit your tot with a bamboo cane.

We are only responsibe for our own behaviour and not others. Your mother chose to hit you.

One thing that has helped me considerally was doing a Protective Behaviours course at the local children's centre. It gave me a better insight into how feelings, thoughts and behaviours are linked. I understand my parents' behaviour better and that I was not in any way responsible.

Let her leave and protect yourself and your children. She's an adult, she'll cope.

Can I suggest you have some counselling.

children can be awful sometimes... BUT the ADULT needs to take responsibility for their reaction to it.

sorry, should have added that it is not your fault

Are you a mother yourself? You don't say. How can a 2 year old be so bad as to manipulate a grown woman who has full control of herself, into hitting it?

She had a responsibility of care for you. She failed.
She was the adult, she had full control of her actions, she made free choices and now has to face up to the consequences.
You were a 2 year old vulnerable child who could not even dress yourself without help at times. You needed love, care and affection.

It's all too easy to blame others, but your mother sounds as though she hasn't fully grown up yet. Because maturity comes when you stop blaming others and start taking responsibility for your own actions. She isn't.

It's deplorable to lay the blame on a 2 year old child! What, were you born bad, is that what she is saying? What a nasty, vicious woman!

My mother used to hit us too, on occasion and quite hard. But her main trick was emotional abuse. Criticising everything from the way I ate to my weight (I was very very skinny) making me feel like shit. She never praised, everything was a negative and if we stood up for ourselves she would be ill and then blame us for making her ill. But I know that was not my fault. She is a disturbed woman and the only way I can move on now is to sever contact with her, which is what I have done.

You need to think long and hard about your relationship with your mother and ask yourself if it's really worth it.

No, abuse is never the child's fault and even more so at just two year's old.

TBH I think you need to just let her go. It doesn't sound as if she is a healthy person to have in your life, especially as she cannot accept that she was in the wrong entirely.

Just let her go! Know this OP, a 2 year old CANNOT BE BAD! If she said that, then there is seriously something wrong with her head. She admitted to the abuse, and now she is trying to make you out to be the "bad one" again!

Just let her go and cut her out of your life. What a horrible woman.

Abuse is never a child's fault.

She is denying it because she has re-written history to how she wants it to be. You have to do what's right for you and your family, not her. Let her go; she's the one in the wrong.

Never ever ever ever EVER can abuse be a child's fault. A person that says that is fucked in their way of thinking.

You are better off without her. So sorry you had to go through all of that as a child and now again this emotional abuse as an adult. Your mother is wicked, nasty woman.

Not only would I let her leave, I'd hurry the process by kicking her out. How could it possibly have been your fault? Just not possible, ever.

And once she's gone, cut contact and never let her in to harm you again.

She was NOT a good mum. darling, she wasn't. Don't let her pull that shit.

she beat you. beat you with a hoover pipe.

go to your own children and beat them with a hoover pipe.

No. You wouldn't, would you? because it's abuse

Don't pander to her, don't be fooled by her crocodile tears.

Let her pack. Where she goes is her own problem.

She will be able to find a place to stay. That isn't your problem.
This had to come to a head sometime and good on your dh for taking her on right now.
She sounds very fucked up and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.

Abuse is never the fault of the child- it is ALWAYS the fault and responsibility of the adult. It has taken me a long time to realise this.

The situation you describe is just why I've never had a confrontation with my mum about my childhood- she would only deny it and get defensive.

Maybe you should consider cutting contact altogether? And have you had any counselling?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Am going to do this in capital letters.

NO

Your mother, for example, is a twunt.

You'reBetterOffWithoutTiggaxx

No, abuse is never a child's fault. But your mum is a classic toxic parent and she has conditioned you to believe that you are to blame for her shit parenting.

I would second the advice that you should get some counselling and find out who you really are, I did this and I feel a whole lot better for it.

You have my sympathy OP. I know the feeling. I think back to things that happened when I was a child and I know they aren't right but I can't quite convince myself 100% that I didn't deserve them. I've been blamed for them so much that I do have doubts in my head that I'm a good or a nice person. It plagues me, it really does.

But no child deserves to be treated like that.

Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to about this.

Hey OP, this must be a tough time. No, absolutely never ever your fault as a child. To be hit in the way you describe is abuse and not possible for this to be your fault.
Some people hit kids. Some people are emotionally abusive to kids. The worst bit is parents like this are frequently unable to discuss what they did or how it felt to someone else.

My mum was rather similar and I have had similar response when I tried to discuss. Take care and do as others suggest - let her walk.

Oh yes, and let her go of course.

No.

What would your child have to do that you abused them? How bad would they have to be?

exactly. They couldn't. You wouldn't. You are the adult, responsible for your anger and your actions.

She needs to take responsibility or you can't move past this. To try to say that it is your fault continues the abuse IMO.

Let her go.

Never, never, never can it be the child's fault!!!!!

She was the adult, she was responsible for the situation, not you.

She is still playing mind games with you with her behaviour, don't let her!

oh and yes let her leave and ignore her tantruming.