Can abuse ever be a child's fault?

[MrsHuxtable]

I have a thread on relationships about my mother but things have come to a head and I want some quick replies.

Basically, my mum hit me a lot when I was a child (not just a slap, but properly with a hover pipe etc) and also abused me emotionally. She's visiting us rigth now and she kept being all negative about me and during the fight I told her how her abuse has damged me and is still influencing my life.

She then went on to say that firstly she hadn't abused me and my memory was wrong. She then admitted to the abuse but said it was my fault because I was provoking her and was already bad as a 2year old.

She is now feeling sorry for herself and packing her stuff. I don't know what to do. Will I just let her leave?

Can abuse ever be a child's fault? How horrible would I have had to be for this to happen to me?

It is never a childs fault. She was supposed to be the adult. You were a vulnerable little child. You depended on her. Don't let this taint your life any longer. Be kind to youself.

"Be kind to yourself" - I second that - great advice

Annie Yes, the cat that passed away ist the one she took the water bottle from. It's such a small thing but makes me very angry. I know for a lot of people I "just" lost a cat but at the height of my sickness a few months ago when I all I could do was lie in my bed, that cat sat with me, on my pillow, purring to me for weeks. She only left to eat and use her toilet. She was the loveliest creature ever.

MrsHux I know it can be very hard to accept that your mother is who she is. Wasn't going to post because TBH I'm in a very similar boat to you but I've gotten to the out of mind my family stage.

My Mum was wonderful at times, lovely. When I was very little she tried so hard to keep it together, maybe because she wasnt so bad then. But then came the not being able to see friends after school, or do anything. But then she started to lose it, and by the time I was a teenager it was unbearable. I'm big, shes a size 6, so I wasnt allowed to eat. It was my fault I was sexually abused by her relative while she was napping upstairs and as a result his mother wouldnt speak to her. She actually acused me of lying about it. The list goes on but everyone thought she was normal and great because she was so good at hiding it! Even from my Dad, who was working all the time.

She only ever hit me once, but I was fucked if I was standing for it, and left the house straight away. But she was good at covering by this stage I was told off for just walking out and "scaring" my mum. Within 2 years I had run away from home and ended up with a guy who beat me terribly and I was paralysed to leave. I had the courage once to walk out and they told me I was the bad girl, so it was my fault.

Point is,for various reasons her fake face isn't as flawless these days. Now all the people who thought I was the fucked up little girl have been so full of guilt it almost amuses me. She can't hide it anymore, and everyone realises shes mentally ill and abusive. And slowly, after years of oh your mum is lovely, I've become to able to vocalise that too without doubting myself. So many people made me feel like I was making up all these problems with my mum were my imagination and she was a good mum and all that I doubted my own perception of her.

Until other family members and friends started quietly telling me they were sorry, or backing me up with a hug or whatever when she was arround that I realised her facade had broken and everyone was seeing the face I see. And now I don't feel, like I used to, like I'm hysterical or interpretting that way cos I want attention or whatever. Just because the people close to her can't see what she is and don't accept it doesnt mean you are imagining any of this.

I hope that all makes some sense. Please don't doubt how you feel about what she does/say/did to you.

MrsHux big hugs for the loss of your beautiful cat, and for what you're going through now. x

Hey MrsHuxtable, just wanted to mention Histrionic personality disorder fwiw.

Both Narcissistic and Borderline and Histrionic have a lot of overlapping features. But Histrionic has that extra element of the inappropriate sexual behaviour and comments that seems to fit with your mothers story.

Do a good bit of reading up. You need to manage her firmly but unreactively. Her emotional manipulation is just tactics. Don't fall for it. Set up nice tight boundaries and don't get hoovered back in by her playing the martyr/victim.

By inappropriate sexual behaviour I mean parading around in her knickers in front of your husband etc.

There's been other inappropriate sexual behaviour if anyone cares to hear.

if you need to talk about it do. It can only help right

MrsH, please look after yourself and your baby. This is your life and you are able to be in control of your future by removing the poison that is your mother. Some women who give birth are not fit to be called mothers as they never behave as a mother should and sadly yours is one of them. Mine is too and there are many others.

However you and your baby and your DH can be a precious little unit and full of love. It is an incredibly tough position to be in, I know, I have been there.

The thing that moved my outloook was accepting that I, and you, had a right to a childhood and we can't change what happened but we can control the future.

It isn't an easy path but I can assure you the position of power you will assume when you flush the poison away is good!

Am here to listen to whatever you need to say

MrsTwinks I'm sorry about what happened to you. I'm glad people are finally seeing your mum as what she is and are being supportive of you.

So what I find sexually inappropriate about my mum: She seems a little obsessed with sex and phallic symbols in general. Constantly being flirty with men and making sexual remarks or talking about other people's sex lives.

1. When I had my first bf at 16, she completely flipped out and started calling me a whore and him a pimp. She kept shouting if I enjoyed fucking him. It made me very unfomfortable.

1. DH's grandparents once ended up giving my mum a lift from the airport to our house. They are lovely, lovely people who have been together since they were young teenagers. Anyway, in the car, my mum kept telling them about her "christmas man" and explained to them that it's a guy she knows (she claims he's her bf but he's not) who comes to her once a year at christmas to have sex with her. The grandparents were mortified. She also kept showing them pictures of him.

1. A couple of years ago I was home to visit her when the door bell rang. It was the metre reading guy outside who just wanted to come in to read her water metre. She explained to him in great detail over the door beel speaker phone thing that she couldn't let him in cause she was having an appointment with her gynocologist in 30 mins and therefore now had to go and wash her genitals (she used the word fanny). He must have said he'd only be a second because she then went on and on asking him if he wanted her to go to the doctor with smelly bits. She kept repeating the genital word over and over again in her speech and the man must have felt weird. It's not like they were having a discussion, more a monolugue from her side.

Am I being weird for thinking stuff like this is not normal?

thankyou, and I hopw you see that just because she puts on a nice face or isnt always like that, doesn't mean she hitting you with the hoover or any of that was justifiable or acceptable.

You do just need to concentrate on you and DH LO, they are your most important family now

I would say that she has very deep seated problems-I'm sure that she would have had them even if you hadn't been born-you are just a handy peg to put them on. I think that you just have to accept her as she is, accept that she is never going to change and just find a way of dealing with her-in my case it would be the advice I gave earlier.

It's NOT NORMAL no. Totally inappropriate.

It reminds me so much of the description of Histrionic PD;

Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriately seductive behavior, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, and flirtatious.

They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others. Associated features may include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs

She sounds like a vile, abusive, basket case, please remove her from your life.

Awful, awful woman :( :(

How old is your mother because that is really strange behaviour - :-(

MorelliOrRanger I love that name btw and I couldn't choose!
She's 58. She doesn't want to be though. She still thinks she's a lot younger. The flirting is also always with men that are a lot younger. She wouldn't look twice at a man her own age or a little older.

I also remember her vibrator lying about openly in her bedroom when I was young. Made me want to vomit.

hehe - After reading Ten Big Ones, I'm swaying towards Ranger (again). Its changes every book.

You mother sounds not only abusive but bloody embarrassing. I assume she's still at yours and leaves tomorrow. Let her get on with it, let her leave, wave her off and be strong with your hubby and new babe to be.

Just back on to say my mum has left now. I've just come back froma couple of hours out of the house, bringing home some lunch because her train to the airport is not for another 2 hours and I thought it would be polite to offer her something before she leaves and give her the chance to say something.

Well, as soon as I came in the door, she disappeared into the bathroom. When she came back out, I said I had gotten her some lunch. She put on the hard -done -by face and said she didn't want anything and was leaving now. 10 seconds later she was out of the door.

I'm terribly relieved she left and I can now get over this and on with things but again I feel guilty.

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my posts and helped me get through those last couple of days!

So glad she's left. Shame she had to donut in such a way to try and make you feel guilty on purpose. Don't feel guilty, you've dove nothing wrong and her behaviour is appalling.

Enjoy having your house back and gave a nice relax

do it not donut

I'd quite like a donut now tbh.

Oh thank God she's gone!!

MrsH - you are lovely but you need to toughen up. Your ma is a manipulative ol' bitch who just couldn't help herself, giving you that last "slap" on the way out.
STOP feeling guilty. Just STOP. You are unconsciously choosing to feel guilt - it's a pattern your mother set up from a very young age so it's normal for you - but it's still within your power to stop. Choose to feel innocent. Choose to accept that it is all your mother's fault (which it is).

Choose to free yourself from her emotional tyranny over you - and at this point I'd say choose to keep her away from you for a very long time indeed.

Be glad that your house is now a calm, stress-free environment again and do something cleansing - either a bit of vacuuming, or perhaps burn some essential oils in an oil burner, just to help with clearing the atmosphere she has created while she's been there. Open the windows if it's not too cold, let her toxicity out!!

Be Free of her - you owe it to yourself and your baby. :)