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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Rubbernecking at a funeral?

128 replies

Loonytoonie · 01/11/2011 10:50

I'm prepared to accept that I'm wrong on this.

I've had a mild falling out with a couple of other Mum's at my DC's primary school.

DS's teacher lost his daughter just before half-term started, in really tragic circumstances. We as parents were informed by letter that he would be absent for quite some time and the news slowly filtered through about the depth of this poor man's loss. Some of us parents have sent sympathy cards via the school.

But, the funeral has already been announced in the county press, and some Mum's are planning on attending. I was asked this morning in the school yard whether I'd be planning on going too, and I was a bit taken aback to be honest. I thought it was disrespectful to go and was tantamount to voyeurism, and said as much. I know I'm not going to be popular by the silence that followed.

My point is this - While we all adore this Teacher, he is simply, our children's Teacher and I think that rubber necking at a funeral is such an intrusion of privacy. An intrusion of this man's grief and his family's grief.

What would you all do?

OP posts:

OldGreyWassailTest · 01/11/2011 10:54

No, it is not an intrusion - it is called 'support' and showing respect.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 01/11/2011 10:54

Exactly what you are planning to do. IMO, unless you have some personal connection to the teacher it is none of your business.
Bloody emotional vampires is what the other women are.

TheScaryJessie · 01/11/2011 10:55

I certainly would not go!

pranma · 01/11/2011 10:55

It would not be 'rubber necking' if you attend the funeral as a mark of affection and respect for this teacher.Simply go to the service[flowers or donation as appropriate] shake hands and say 'so sorry for your loss' and leave.The 'reception' afterwards is for family and close friends.
YABU

Towndon · 01/11/2011 10:56

I totally agree - it's intrusive.

AMumInScotland · 01/11/2011 10:57

Unless you have some other reason to think they are planning to go out of sheer voyeurism, then I think YABU. People go to funerals to show their care and support for the bereaved - they care about this teacher, they care about his loss, they want to show their respects by attending the funeral. If you don't feel that would be an appropriate choice for you, then there's no reason at all why you should go as well. But I think you are being unfair in questioning their motivation.

Towndon · 01/11/2011 10:59

Could someone tactfully find out from the teacher (via the school) whether parents would be welcome at the funeral?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 01/11/2011 10:59

Of course it's not rubber necking or voyerism. Nor are they emotional vampires - those are really, really horrible things to say.

It is showing support & a sense of community. It is nice to know people care when someone you love dies. It doesn't matter how well they did or didn't know the person who died - they are supporting you through this. Having lots of people turn up is a comforting thing.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 01/11/2011 10:59

I am not sure how attending a funeral is supportive? Unless you are chipping in with the cost I am lost.

squeakyfreakytoy · 01/11/2011 11:00

If the details have been pubicly announced, then the family are normally meaning that to say anyone is welcome.

Funerals are not just for the person who has died, they are also about supporting the person who is grieving.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 01/11/2011 11:00

Sometimes the bereaved welcome a lot of attendees at a a funeral, they find it comforting to see a lot of people there. And some people attend funerals of those they were not that close to for exactly that reason - to show support and acknowledge someone's loss.

Of course, some people are attention-seeking voyeurs, but you were a bit harsh to accuse the other mums of having that motivation when they might well have meant only to show their support.

Pagwatch · 01/11/2011 11:00

It is incredibly presumptuous and rude of these women.
Grim.

When my dd lost her friend at nursery one woman phoned the mother to cry down the phone about how upset she was. This poor woman had to deal with the kind of arse who can't ever see her own emotions as secondary.

squeakyfreakytoy · 01/11/2011 11:00

ffs.... PUBLICLY

Northernlurker · 01/11/2011 11:01

I think you are being very unfair. People attend funerals to mark their own grief but also to show support. Your child's teacher is a parent. You are all parents. There is common ground and common feeling that should be shown. I actually think it was very offensive of you to question their motivation. Did you mean to be rude?

Original poster

Loonytoonie · 01/11/2011 11:01

It's a toughie. I can see that opinions are divided, and I respect that.

A loss of any kind is terrible, hurtful. But surely a loss of a child is catastrophic, and life-changing? I can't help but feel that attending when you have no real connection with the family involved, is an intrusion. I would have thought that the HeadTeacher's and Governer's attendance could represent the whole school collectively?

I'm not sure if my views are tainted on this a tad, I must admit, because one of the Mum's in question is famous for her nosiness.

OP posts:

MrsVoltar · 01/11/2011 11:02

Its supportive because it tells the relatives that people cared & wanted to show their respects. Sometimes it can be even sadder if not many people attend.

Unless its a private funeral, obviously.

worraliberty · 01/11/2011 11:02

It totally depends on the announcement in the press

Some say 'everyone welcome' or words to that effect and some say 'to the family and friends of'.....

I wouldn't feel right going under this circumstance but I think 'Rubber necking' is an awful term to use

slavetofilofax · 01/11/2011 11:03

I think that whether it is intrusive rubber necking or it is respectful support depends entirely on the teacher and his families wishes.

He has every chance of thinking that it is lovely that people turned up to show respect and support, but he also has every chance of wishing that people would bugger off and mind their own business.

It is entirely subjective, and down to personal perceptions.

The right thing for these Mothers to do would be to tell the school that they would like to show their support to this teacher, and ask how they would be best placed to do that. Then the school can sensitively be in contact with the family to find out what they woudl prefer. The family might appreciate loads of people there with flowers, or they may prefer a vey small service and donations to be made to a charity if people want to remember their child.

There is no right or wrong answer, but I do think that these people should ensure that they are welcome before they go. Maybe there was information about whether they would be in the announcement. If that said 'All Welcome' then it's fine for them to go.

Groovee · 01/11/2011 11:04

When our school Janitor's wife died, 2 members of staff from school and 2 members of the PTA went to the funeral. This was because they lived in the community and many people were devastated by the loss off such a wonderful woman so suddenly. It was also to show our Janitor our support.

Surely they would just be going to the funeral service and not anything held afterwards.

Pagwatch · 01/11/2011 11:05

Yes.
If the people attending do not have any means by which they can find out the wishes of the family then they risk being unwelcome. I can't comprehend attending a funeral unless I was sure my presence would be a comfort to the primary mourners.

Original poster

Loonytoonie · 01/11/2011 11:05

squeakyfreakytoy Good point about the announcement. I hadn't thought of it that way.

Northernlurker I'm not sure why I became so vocal to be honest, usually I stay quiet. I think it was because this Mum in question isn't known for her 'thoughtfulness' and this tainted my view on things.

OP posts:

Original poster

Loonytoonie · 01/11/2011 11:07

Worra sorry to offend you with that term, really I am. Past experience of losing a small sibling when I was a teen has tainted me, I fear. It was a feeling, albeit a small niggly one, that I was left with.

OP posts:

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 01/11/2011 11:09

Groovee I think that's the usual deal though- basically the school should send representatives, which I imagine they already are.

I feel it's somewhat inappropriate to go to the funeral of someone you've never met, unless you are a very close friend of the immediate family. It would certainly be inappropriate to attend the wake, even if this is announced during the service.

Haribojoe · 01/11/2011 11:10

I wouldn't go, for me I would feel that I was intruding.

Although it is your DC's teacher I think that funerals are for those who were close to the deceased and their loved ones.

I don't think someone teaching your child means that you are close to them personally.

Everlong · 01/11/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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