AIBU? Rubbernecking at a funeral?

[Loonytoonie]

I'm prepared to accept that I'm wrong on this.

I've had a mild falling out with a couple of other Mum's at my DC's primary school.

DS's teacher lost his daughter just before half-term started, in really tragic circumstances. We as parents were informed by letter that he would be absent for quite some time and the news slowly filtered through about the depth of this poor man's loss. Some of us parents have sent sympathy cards via the school.

But, the funeral has already been announced in the county press, and some Mum's are planning on attending. I was asked this morning in the school yard whether I'd be planning on going too, and I was a bit taken aback to be honest. I thought it was disrespectful to go and was tantamount to voyeurism, and said as much. I know I'm not going to be popular by the silence that followed.

My point is this - While we all adore this Teacher, he is simply, our children's Teacher and I think that rubber necking at a funeral is such an intrusion of privacy. An intrusion of this man's grief and his family's grief.

What would you all do?

YANBU not to go to the funeral.

YABU to use the word 'rubbernecking' and not expect to cause offence.

I wouldn't go but if it's been announced in the papers (depending on wording as stated earlier), the family will expect people to come.

I definately wouldn't go back to the wake or whatever it's called.

Did you know the child? I think that makes a difference.

No, no one knew the child. She was much older and had never attended the school. They lived out of the area.

I realise the term 'rubber necking' has caused offence and I'm sorry for that. I won't apologise though. I've been subject to this, and the feeling never leaves you. It's how I feel, quite simply.

This is very difficult - I think it was a bit unfair to accuse someone directly of voyeurism - different people may have completely different motivations.

Having said that, I do think that untimely deaths and funerals do unfortunately bring out the vicarious grief-seekers to some extent. So while some of these mums might be genuinely thinking about lending support by their presence, there is a possibility that one or two might be a bit carried away by the 'drama' of the thing. I used to have a housemate a bit like this - a member of a sports club at university was killed in an accident and we all went to the funeral which was some distance away. Despite the fact that she did not know him and her only connection to the sports club was the fact that she lived with me and went out with another member, she was insistent that she wanted to go. This would have involved her travelling with the club, staying over with them and attending a gathering with the family of the deceased. It actually caused a fairly epic row because she wouldn't take no for an answer until the coach told her directly that there was absolutely no good reason for her to be there and the family had issued a specific invitation that did not include her. She actually sulked about it.

It would be sensible for someone to approach the school and air these concerns openly and get a clear answer about what the teacher would prefer. If he says that parents are welcome, that does not of course prevent some people from going along for the wrong reasons, but at least you will know that it won't add to his upset at this difficult time.

Is "monopolization of others' grief" is a more tactful way to put it? The concept is a pretty hideous one. Is there any polite way to put it?

For what it's worth, I admire the OP for having the strength of will to say something at the time. This is the kind of thing I generally feel nauseated by but never speak up about.

Yanbu

If people who didn't know my grandma had appeared at her funeral it would have bothered my mum, aunt and I quite a lot. And if it was my child, well I can only imagine going postal at strangers appearing at something so private and agonising.

Ok having read the whole thread, I agree with what Pootle said too.

I went to a child's funeral a few years ago, I am very good friends with the parents, they didn't invite anyone so I asked her if it would be ok to be there to support her and her husband. It is the saddest thing I've ever been too.

However, there were lots and lots of people there and both the parents were happy to have the support.

I still think this is a bit different though due to how the people that want to go know the man. It's not like he's a freind. :(

My ex and his mother spring to mind when the phrase 'monopolising others' grief' is mentioned - because they were so much more upset than me when my mam died suddenly

And what scary jessie said.

*friend

When dd died, I was very grateful to anyone who turned up to her funeral and one or two were people I'd never met before, they were friends of MIL and FIL and were really there to support them on the loss of their granddaughter. However, we are Irish and as Maryz has pointed out, we are more likely to offended by people who dont' attend, rather than those who do. On the other hand one of my aunts didn't attend. She had lost two children herself and finds that she gets too upset herself at a child's funeral to be of any help to anyone and to me, that was fine too.

It amazes me that even though parents have posted on here saying they were greatful for the show of support at their own child's funeral that other people still post to say it's rubber necking or whatever. Can't people just accept that their own take on this is not the only one??

If the family wanted a private funeral they would/could/should have said so in the funeral notice. Given the nature of the Dad's job, any funeral director worth his salt would have asked if they wanted this or not.

when my dds headmaster from her j&i school died he had his funeral in the hols and lots of kids past and presant turned up

I went to an acquaintance's funeral once because a mutual friend had rung round everyone to say: the bloke had lost touch with most of his family and his GF was terribly upset and would feel better if at least there were a few people there to 'see him off'. I think what this thread shows is that the most important thing is to find out what the bereaved want.

I'd do what you're doing. It is pure rubbernecking and not in the least bit respectful to do what some of the others are planning. So ghoulish and unnecesary.

LyingWitch - do feel free to actually read the thread and try listening to what people who have been in that postion think...FGS is that really too much to ask?

ChippingIn... How do you know what position anybody has been in? I agree completely with the poster who said that 'you bring your own experience'... you do, I did, it isn't a nice term - it's highly applicable in some cases.

Lying so why are you putting others down? Why is your way the only way? Why are others who feel differently rubber necking and ghoulish? I wanted people there, I wanted anyone who wanted to be there, to be there. I appreciated them taking the time to be there, to show their support. I did not think a single one of them was ghoulish or rubber necking and it is offending me immensely to have people say such nasty things about people who bloody cared enough to show some compassion at a bloody horrible time. FFS why is that so hard to understand and accept.

I do think a child's funeral is different, and people should think carefully about their response.

It depends. If you have a connection then it's not inappropriate to attend. To be honest, they won't realise who is there or not. I have absolutely no idea who attended my parents funerals.

A childs funeral is very distressing, so they may well appreciate the support. it is nice to know that people care.

At our school, earlier this year a child was killed and it was decided that the school would close than representatives from the staff would go 'from the school' then it was up to parents if they wanted to go (with or without their children). The parents of the boy said that they really appreciated seeing the church packed.

I suppose there are two separate issues here - one is the motivation of those who want to attend - the other is how their attendance will be received.

If the teacher indicates that the presence of parents would be appreciated then it doesn't really matter what the motivation is. The OP might have her suspicions, and might be right in her judgement of them, but that doesn't really affect the way the gesture is received. On the other hand, if the teacher doesn't want parents there then it doesn't matter how good their intentions are - they should stay away.

It isn't a straightforward case of good intentions = good idea or bad intentions = bad idea.

Just ASK the family/place of work!!!!

It is that simple.

I don't see what a teachers childs funeral has to do with parents....If it were the teacher themselves obviously I would say go..but not their child, it is personal, they will be heart broken enough and no doubt want to grieve and say goodbue with the people that matter, not some mum from the school who didn't even know their child x

how can you possible assume someone going to pay their respects at a funeral is voyeurism - sorry just dont get it

I despair - people don't even bother to read what you write, why bother.