AIBU? Rubbernecking at a funeral?

[Loonytoonie]

I'm prepared to accept that I'm wrong on this.

I've had a mild falling out with a couple of other Mum's at my DC's primary school.

DS's teacher lost his daughter just before half-term started, in really tragic circumstances. We as parents were informed by letter that he would be absent for quite some time and the news slowly filtered through about the depth of this poor man's loss. Some of us parents have sent sympathy cards via the school.

But, the funeral has already been announced in the county press, and some Mum's are planning on attending. I was asked this morning in the school yard whether I'd be planning on going too, and I was a bit taken aback to be honest. I thought it was disrespectful to go and was tantamount to voyeurism, and said as much. I know I'm not going to be popular by the silence that followed.

My point is this - While we all adore this Teacher, he is simply, our children's Teacher and I think that rubber necking at a funeral is such an intrusion of privacy. An intrusion of this man's grief and his family's grief.

What would you all do?

I think we're all looking at this through the lenses of our own experiences, which may or may not apply to your current issue.

The sick feeling from rubberneckers stays with you, doesn't it, once you've met one.

Also, without knowing these women, it's hard to know if they're the type to attend, sit quietly at the back, shake hands at the church door and leave discreetly, or if they're the type to roll on the floor sobbing, get pissed at the wake and then write it all up on their FB status to attract "Oh no, hunny, u ok?" comments from their equally emotionally incontinent friends.

Very difficult. On one hand, the parents may be very touched that so many people cared enough to attend the funeral. On the other hand, they may wonder what on earth people who (presumably) were unknown to the deceased child are doing in attending his/her funeral and may well think they are "rubber necking".

It may also be that the teacher would not want parents of the children he teaches to see him at such a personal, vulnerable and private time.

It may also be that the teacher would not want parents of the children he teaches to see him at such a personal, vulnerable and private time.

That is a very valid point Pootle, which is why I think it's better to let the school send representatives.

PootlePosyPumpkin: It may also be that the teacher would not want parents of the children he teaches to see him at such a personal, vulnerable and private time.

I've been trying to word the above for a page or so, but now someone else has got it into coherent English, so I'm quoting them, instead.

Total depends on parents and children's relationship with the teacher.
Because of split years my DDs have had some teachers for several years and Met their DC at fetes etc. and if it was DD2s present teachers child we would most defiantly go unless it was a private funeral.

A close friend has recently lost her DD.
There were hundreds of people at her funeral but the whole day was so traumatic that close family didn't really notice who was there.

Having said that, it was a huge comfort to my friend afterwards, when she found out that so many people did care enough to attend.
The church was also open the day before the funeral and hundreds of people left cards, messages and flowers then.

Every family are different though so I would phone the school and ask what the family would like.

I think the cards of condolence is enough. It shows you are thinking of him and his family.

I really don't get why anyone would want to attend a funeral of someone they didn't know.

That poor family has enough to be dealing with.

pootleposy has put it well. My DH is a teacher, when DD was at his school, we grew weary of people wanting to talk to us to gain insider gossip/knowledge of teacher's private lives.
Perhaps because all our experiences were overseas at international schools I am looking at this from the wrong starting point.
I do think that may be the case if I am honest.

Thanks everyone, I think you've managed to express how I'm feeling about this, but a bit better. I suppose my experiences have left me tainted, because you're right TheScaryJessie, that feeling doesn't really leave you.

That said, I get on well with another staff member so I could ask discreetly. Everlong's post is also a good point.

Whilst the mums might have a lot of respect and affection for the teacher, at the end of the day, it is professional not a personal relationship, so it would be inappropriate for a bunch of them to turn up at a funeral without gaining some understanding as to whether their presence would be welcome. After all, the teacher will be at his most vulnerable and upset and, if at some later stage, one of the parents may have some sort of run-in with him, it may cloud the professional relationship that they have been present at the time of his most intense grief.

However, I do agree with worra that the term "rubbernecking" is a bit strong, when the parents in question may just be misguided.

Everlong, thank you for posting. I'm so sorry for your loss. I do understand what you're saying.

x posted with lots of people, including Pootle who has made the same point.

I am stunned that you called them disrespectful and voyeuristic. When did you become the funeral police?

A lot of people came to our dd's funeral. We didn't vet them first for degree of closeness. The thought that others may have presumed to do that, and therefore kept people who would have chosen to be there away... well, I can't find words for it.

You are completely out of order and ought to apologise to the parents you spoke with.

Perhaps one mum could have a word with the headteacher, explain that a few of the mothers would like to go, and see what she says. She will have a contact number for the man and would be able to check with him to find out him.

TheScaryJessie makes an excellent point too.

Firstly we bring our own experience to this, very sensitive, situation.

Secondly once you have met the kind of person who wants to have done odd vicarious experience of tragedy, it is really hard to forget.

That's what I was trying to say, too.

"It may also be that the teacher would not want parents of the children he teaches to see him at such a personal, vulnerable and private time."

Funerals are a way of paying your respects to the dead, and offering sympathy and support to the bereaved. The thought that people would try to impose social rules and expectations on such a simple and basic concept quite frankly astounds me.

It might be better for a representative to attend, eg chair of the PTA, on behalf of everyone. Many years ago my brother died at school, hundreds of cards were sent from parents but at the funeral just one teacher came, to represent the whole school and that seemed right. Tbh you don't want to be dealing with loads of people at a child's funeral.

The best thing to do, if the announcement in the paper doesn't give a clear indication one way or the other, is for someone to ask the school secretary what the teacher's wishes are likely to be. Because there isn't actually a right answer that would suit everyone: some people only want their close family and friends at a funeral, others would be put out if the entire local community didn't attend.

MaryZ I disagree-sorry. I don't think funerals are a numbers game. Providing the people I thought should be there were there, I wouldn't give a damn if my clients (which is a reasonable parallel) didn't turn up to my child's funeral

I really don't think anyone can presume what this poor father would want.
OP you have to ask someone-the school probably, what the family wants.

TheBride - I think that Maryz was saying that there are different customs and traditions in Ireland.

As awful as it is to say, some people do just like to feel a part if a drama or a tragedy, that alone is not sufficient reason to attend. When I worked as a teacher I am not convinced I would want my pupils parents at such an event.