AIBU? Rubbernecking at a funeral?

[Loonytoonie]

I'm prepared to accept that I'm wrong on this.

I've had a mild falling out with a couple of other Mum's at my DC's primary school.

DS's teacher lost his daughter just before half-term started, in really tragic circumstances. We as parents were informed by letter that he would be absent for quite some time and the news slowly filtered through about the depth of this poor man's loss. Some of us parents have sent sympathy cards via the school.

But, the funeral has already been announced in the county press, and some Mum's are planning on attending. I was asked this morning in the school yard whether I'd be planning on going too, and I was a bit taken aback to be honest. I thought it was disrespectful to go and was tantamount to voyeurism, and said as much. I know I'm not going to be popular by the silence that followed.

My point is this - While we all adore this Teacher, he is simply, our children's Teacher and I think that rubber necking at a funeral is such an intrusion of privacy. An intrusion of this man's grief and his family's grief.

What would you all do?

I'm surprised the school hasnt been more pro-active tbh- i.e. sent out a communication to parents informing them that they will send a teacher and a parent representative.

I'd ask the Head Teacher what has been said by the family. It's is the role of the head to find out the answer if they don't already know

It might be better for a representative to attend, eg chair of the PTA, on behalf of everyone. Many years ago my brother died at school, hundreds of cards were sent from parents but at the funeral just one teacher came, to represent the whole school and that seemed right. Tbh you don't want to be dealing with loads of people at a child's funeral.

Ninky I know, but she then went on to apply those customs to England, by saying that she thinks anyone who wants to should attend and that the family would be upset if people they'd never even met didnt show.

Haven't read all the replies, but I think attending a funeral is also about showing support to those who are grieving and showing that you are thinking of them. I would have thought that a couple of the parents who maybe know the teacher the most could attend to represent the man's pupils/teachers. I wouldn't think 30 parents (or however many are in the class) appearing is appropriate.

Good God - English people are sooooo bloody wierd about funerals and the privacy of them! Its ridiculous. If you feel you want to go to show support, then go. If you don't feel comfortable with it, then don't.

A funeral is a public event, help in a public place. I have been to funerals of people I have never met, but have a connection to a family member, and have gone to show my support for them.

It really suprised me after my mum died that all these English people (some of whom were her close friends) called me up to ask for permission to come to her funeral - who the hell am I to dictate to them whether they come or not? The Irish family/friends just passed the details around and got on flights/trains etc and just turned up.

I understand what you are saying Paula. But I am assuming the OP and the teacher in question are English. There are different cultural norms. In Ireland everyone turns up, in England, close family/friends turn up imo. Both are fine.

Again, thanks to everyone for their input. I think it's fair to say that opinions are divided on this one - it's such a personal thing.

But surely knowing that 'English people are weird about funerals' means it is important to check these things? Everyone does things differently and that should be respected.

Also, when my cousins child died in a terrible accident in Ireland, the school her sons attended, and the school she worked at, both closed for the day. Most of the pupils/families/teachers of both schools all attended.

Sorry Bride, my earlier post wasn't directed at you, just unfortunate placement!

I don't think this is in Ireland though, in which case, representatives are the norm. It's not about not caring. It's about respecting the privacy of the family. Not everyone wants to do their grieving in front of a few hundred acquaintances. It is a very different mindset. Neither is wrong, but I just feel it would be better for the school to sound out the family.

And voyeurs do exist- there was an article in the paper a few years ago about two people who had a bet that they could have a fake funeral and people would turn up. They put an advert in the paper and sure enough, 150 people turned up.

OP. Can you clarify that you are not in Ireland where things are done differently but are equally as valid

Some people have this strange obsession with a good funeral and will turn up for any where they can possibly drum up a connection - however tenuous. (My dear departed gran and her friends were a bit like that and would rake the hatches/matches/dispatches column of the local paper for a good one to go to) It smacks a bit of that to me.

Teacher hat on - I'm not sure I'd want them there. Wouldn't want that work-life barrier broken, especially not when emotionally vulnerable, and, being honest here - there's a certain element of parent I don't quite trust who WOULD (for I've come across similar levels of vileness in the past) pick that time to approach and niggle away trying to find out how long the teacher would be off in order to stir up discontent about cover teachers being used.

The last thing that's probably going to be wanted right now is a reminder of work obligations and the class back at school - flowers and stuff yep, deputation of parents - nope unless informed otherwise. In most cases I've seen of similar in school, it's been a couple of parents from the PTA, or class reps or whatever that have been chosen to go along as a representative show of support and sympathy from the parent body... more than anything else - if the church is filled with parents - it blocks family and actual friends from getting in.

I understand the cultural differences, but if people stopped being so uptight about death and everything that surrounds it, then perhaps these things would be easier and less hard to bear for everyone. There just always seems to be such a tension around the subject in the UK. I am always seeing threads on hear along the lines of "should I take my 10 year old to his Grandads funeral?" and "Should I dress my 6 month old baby all in black for a funeral?" and so on.

It just seems to be such an issue here, and a totally separate part of life.

Death is part of our lives together on this planet, not some separate mysterious thing.

A few years ago I worked in a nursery and managed the baby unit , and sadly the father of a liitle girl I looked after died suddenly. As A sign of respect the nursery manager and Myself attended the funeral which to my knowlegde was really appreciated by the family. Also on a different level I attended a funeral last week of a friends brother I had never met , purely to be there for her which is what I think friendship is all about .

No, not Ireland. UK.

For this situation though I agree perhaps a few parents could go to represent the rest of you rather than 3 parents.

After checking the post, it just states time and place. Nothing about who attends. Another Mum has already text me, feeling torn about the right thing to do here, so we've both decided the best course of action is to contact the School to see what's what.

I get what you're saying Paula.

But surely that's a different thread.

I am repressed English and I would not feel comfortable with people from my professional life at a personal funeral, but then I wouldn't put an announcement about it in the press either.

I'd contact the school and mention that there's lots of muttering about parents thinking they should/shouldn't attend - could they send a quick note home clarifying if they're welcome or not. I'm sure the school would oblige and get a note out possibly even this afternoon if you did that quick - it's quite possibly not even crossed their minds in the shock of it all to be honest because they'll all be really feeling for their colleague.

I agree with the very, very wise person who said that in such situations as these you bring your own experience. And if you are unfortunate to have within your family an emotional vampire, someone who would view this scenario as an ideal oportunity to show how they feel, no matter the consequence, then it is very difficutlt to view someone attending a funeral in this way as something decent and respectful.