AIBU? Rubbernecking at a funeral?

[Loonytoonie]

I'm prepared to accept that I'm wrong on this.

I've had a mild falling out with a couple of other Mum's at my DC's primary school.

DS's teacher lost his daughter just before half-term started, in really tragic circumstances. We as parents were informed by letter that he would be absent for quite some time and the news slowly filtered through about the depth of this poor man's loss. Some of us parents have sent sympathy cards via the school.

But, the funeral has already been announced in the county press, and some Mum's are planning on attending. I was asked this morning in the school yard whether I'd be planning on going too, and I was a bit taken aback to be honest. I thought it was disrespectful to go and was tantamount to voyeurism, and said as much. I know I'm not going to be popular by the silence that followed.

My point is this - While we all adore this Teacher, he is simply, our children's Teacher and I think that rubber necking at a funeral is such an intrusion of privacy. An intrusion of this man's grief and his family's grief.

What would you all do?

Loonytoonie if a funeral directors placed the announcement it may be worthwhile giving them a ring. When i arranged two funerals this year this was the sort of thing they they told me were happy to help with.

I think it very much depends on the person that you are going to support.

Sadly, I know a couple of people who have recently lost very close relatives (children/spouses). One of them definitely would have welcomed as many people as possible at the funeral and really seen it as a lovely outpouring of support (a teacher).

However, I would most definitely not like people connected to me like this (I am a teacher as well) at a funeral of a DC or spouse of mine. I would find it intrusive.

It sounds like their intentions are sincere but perhaps they are not considering that everyone (this man in particular) share similar views. It sounds like you could have put it in a much better way to them though - I think it is a bit much accusing them of voyeurism and it being disrepectful.

The most sensible thing to do IMO is for them to contact school and seek guidance from a member of staff who knows him well/could ask.

This is a It Depends Who's Doing It problem.

x-post with Test

Weddings and funerals are public events and anyone can legally go. They are usually in public places. You are probably not invited to the reception in the case of a wedding or wake in the case of a funeral but it is just support.

In Coronation Street, Blanche used to go to funerals and she was a voyeur but that was supposed to be a bit of comedy. However, the fact that she went shows that the public can attend.

You know this teacher and feel for him because of his loss so go and support him. Anyway, the more people who are there, the more people will be singing the hymns so it will sound better than if there are just 10 or a dozen.

AnotherEmptyNest - doesn't the fact that Blanche's funeral-going was comic show that it's not really appropriate?

I think it is grief-tourism and in very poor taste, but opinions are mixed, so I'd come down in favour of ringing the undertaker or the school to find out what the family want; nobody else's opinion matters here.

Personally, I would feel like I was intruding unless I had a close friendship or family relationship to the person who had died. I have this opinion because I found it quite disasteful that a lot of people came to my grandmother's funeral who hadn't seen or spoken to her in years just to have a good gossip and a free feed at the wake. I have (thankfully) never attended the funeral of a child though, where the parents and family would be utterly devastated, I can see how that would be entirely different.

I think asking at the school is the right thing to do. They are better placed to know how attendance by pupils parents would be received.

I'm Jewish. Jewish people go to funerals as a deep and honest show of respect - even if you've never met the person who died. You go to pay your respects and support the bereaved. All are welcome.

In this case I agree school should give out guidance if not made clear in the county notice.

I think it's offensive to use the term rubbernecking and I feel awful for all those, such as ChippingIn, who it has upset deeply.

I would not dream of going to the funeral of someone I'd never met unless I was absolutely sure that the family would welcome my presence. The only way to find out is to ask discreetly.

It's not unreasonable for those Mums to want to attend the funeral, but for them to attend without somehow checking with the teacher if it is ok is unreasonable.

I come from a family of teachers, and unless the teacher has died I find the idea of pupil's families coming to the funeral intrusive.

Some people are funny about these things. My mother got really cross that a large number of people wanted to come to her father's funeral. ie his nieces and nephews and friends! It was unreasonable but the time to point that out was not at the funeral.

Attending or not attending a funeral of an acquaintance is a very personal thing. In the circumstances you describe I would do the same as you; send a card but not attend funeral. But it is equally acceptable to feel that you would like to show support to an admired teacher by attending his DD's funeral. I don't think either of those things is wrong. You should therefore have simply said you had passed on your condolences but were not planning to attend the funeral and left it at that.

The funeral is for the benefit of the bereaved, not the deceased. You go to a funeral to support the bereaved person and show them that people care. There can't be much sadder than an empty chapel.

When my dad died there were so many people at the crematorium that a lot of people were standing at the back and others were outside. My mum really appreciated the show of support from people whose lives dad had touched, however briefly. It gave her the strength to get through the service.

I went to the funeral of my DS's friend's mum, who I'd only met once. Most of the school went, and again her husband really appreciated that people had made the effort to be there.

I've not read the whole thread because its brought a lot of sad memories back for me. My baby died and at his funeral there were loads of people there that I just didnt expect to see. And I was so overwhelmed by the support - walking into that church holding my babys coffin was the worst thing I ever had to do - seeing all those people there and feeling their love and support really helped. Looking up from his graveside and seeing the churchyard full of people dotted around all there for me and my family helped.

Probably the best way forward would be to approach the school and ask. But I wouldnt assume the other parents were "rubbernecking" and I never felt like that about anyone who was prepared to come to that church two days before Christmas to support me and my family.

ChippingIn... I've come back to this thread just to apologise that I've upset you, that really wasn't the intention. When I read the OP I had certain circumstances and incidences in my mind and it was those that were at the forefront of my post, not anybody elses.

It's a very difficult subject. My way is certainly not the only way, it was my view only, based on what I've known and experienced. It wasn't in anyway intended to put you down or anybody else. I'll leave it there now but I'm genuinely very sorry if I upset you.

Good god - someone's actually brought out the usual "weddings are public and anyone can attend" (usually used to suggest gatecrashing child-free weddings) comment for funerals?! Are you SERIOUSLY suggesting gatecrashing a child's funeral?! Good god!

Attending a funeral uninvited is not gatecrashing. It's not a party!

Like LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, I have just returned to this thread and had to read the previous page.

DejaVu By the time I reached this point, I had to get my hanky out. What a lot of cold hearted people there are out there! And for your information, I was bereaved last year and it still feels like yesterday.

I felt the same as tallulah when my dad died.

The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt anyone with my title. Loss of any kind is wounding, life changing and I think it's fair to say that we all grieve differently.

Please, for all those that have lost, please DO NOT assume that I'm suggesting that this happened for you. I do not. I hope that you've all drawn great comfort with the volume of mourners who walked by your side. But not everyone does, and I can speak from experience, and this feeling of intrusion never leaves you. At your most vulnerable time, you want to feel support, even from strangers, but certainly not scrutinized.

I admit my response to the Mum was concerned was with this in mind, but I don't feel guilt about it as I know this person concerned has the sensitivity of a mallet.

Anyway, after a brief conversation with the Head Teacher, he stated categorically that he and the Head of Governors were attending and would represent the School. He felt it wouldn't be appropriate for parents to attend, and knowing the Teacher and his Wife in question, they'd prefer more privacy.

Again, sorry if this has brought hurtful memories to you that are more vulnerable, but please do not take this particular phenomenon on board if it isn't the case for you.

if unsure I'd ask the school what they thought

When I lost my son a woman who made some insensitive comments about his kept trying to invite herself to his funeral. I know she only wanted to be there to be part of the 'drama' and I would have been very upset if she had shown her face on the day.

It felt incredibly private to me at the time and I wanted only people who actually cared about our son to be there, not people who just wanted to be on the frontline for the gossip afterwards.

When my daughter died a few months later I again felt very private about it all, didn't want anyone who wasn't close family or friends to attend. DH felt the same.

If the teacher doesn't socialise with these parents and only speaks to them in a professional capacity, if they didn't know his daughter and their children were not friendly with her, I would say that a condolence card and perhaps a collection amongst the parents and pupils for flowers and a donation to a charity he or his daughter supported would be more appropriate.

But it would be worth asking at the school to see if they can advise you better. Funerals can be utterly exhausting and draining. If this man has been given some extended time off work it would suggest to me that he needs to distance himself from the school for awhile, perhaps partly because he cannot face even the kindest of parents offing him their sympathies and so might not want to see parents he may hardly know, and perhaps pupils he will still have to teach, at his daughters funeral if he is feeling raw and vulnerable.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes

You have said it all.

I think you did the right thing in asking the head, Loonie. Seems you were right and it will be a private funeral - as this is what the family want.

Showing support is all well and good if that is what someone wants but this family want to grieve in private and everyone should respect that.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes, thank you for posting.

I'm sorry for your loss. There are no words...