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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a very healthy respect for the 4 women I work with who have decided not to have children?

183 replies

Perriwinkle · 29/10/2011 22:11

Just because I think that in a world where it is almost expected that women who are who either married or in settled relationships should have children, and that it's the logical next step to absolute fulfillment in life, they are not bowing to the pressure from either society or their families and are just pleasing themselves.

They are not focussed and driven career women either who are relentlessly climbing the ladder and have put family plans on the backburner, they just don't want children.

I don't know why but I just find it rather refreshing.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 31/10/2011 15:17

Mardyarse - your post made me laugh! She will learn the hard way! I cringggge when I remember some of the things I thought pre-kids

I am going to be a teeny tiny bit controversial here and say that a fair few people who I have met who don't want kids seem quite self-absorbed, self-obsessed and selfish... They have no idea what it means to really and truely put another person before themselves and it shows. This is just my opinion and I'm not saying this is right or wrong that some seem like that.

runningwilde · 31/10/2011 15:21

Josie - I reckon that website would just confirm why those kind of people are absolutely the type of people I have no respect for and thank goodness they don't have kids

JosieRosie · 31/10/2011 15:21

'I am going to be a teeny tiny bit controversial here and say that a fair few people who I have met who don't want kids seem quite self-absorbed, self-obsessed and selfish'

Fair call runningwilde - unfortunately I know plenty of parents who fit this description too! I work with children and parents so have met hundreds. The difference is that most childfree folks recognise the fact that they're not capable of/interested in putting another person's needs first forever more and so avoid that situation!

IndieSkies · 31/10/2011 15:26

I would find it refreshing if it were considered normal for a woman to make a clear and simple choice that parenthood was simply not for her.
Or even that she thought parenthood would be nice but only in the right, non-forthcoming circumstances, and is cool with that.

I know loads of women like this, and jeez, are they patronised, quizzed, pitied, pressurised in a way that no pg woman would be ("really? You want a baby? Why is that? Will you feel fulfilled once you have a child, do you think? Won't you regret it?" etc etc).

And there are many losses and compromises for women in the childbearing years. I know several women who love their children to the ends of the earth, but at the same time don't wax lyrical about motherhood or advocate it to other women. I am probably one of those women.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 31/10/2011 15:30

I always knew i wanted a child. Just not the one i ended up with.[hgrin].

PosiesOfPoison · 31/10/2011 15:31

Childfree life is vile.

MrBloomsNursery · 31/10/2011 15:35

Posies - I don't think that's a very nice comment to make, especially as there are loads of women on here who may want children but they can't due to health issues. Childfree life isn't vile. It's just exactly what it says on the tin: It's child free. There are good points and bad points about both lifestyles, but using the word "vile" to describe something is just wrong.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 31/10/2011 15:39

OOh Posies thats a bit full on isn't it? I don't think my life before child was vile, different but not vile.

Other things fill your world when you don't have children,neither better or worse IMO.

NellyMelba · 31/10/2011 15:40

hey are not bowing to the pressure from either society or their families and are just pleasing themselves.

or maybe they have medical issues that they have no desire to share with you

JosieRosie · 31/10/2011 15:41

Posies, did you mean the 'Childfree Life' website? Grin

HerdOfTinyElephants · 31/10/2011 15:42

I think Posies means "The Childfree Life", which is a childfree forum and IIRC is one of the particularly vile ones. Not that a life which happens to be childfree is vile.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 31/10/2011 15:43

[hblush] sorry Posies, am i allowed to blame it on baby brain? [hsmile].

HerdOfTinyElephants · 31/10/2011 15:51

(TCF doesn't seem that bad now I look at it again, mind you. Although I think defining yourself by something you don't want to do is very odd)

HerdOfTinyElephants · 31/10/2011 15:52

TCF TCL

ItsSophiesChoice · 31/10/2011 16:02

OP I can't be bothered to read this whole thread because to be honest you are pissing me off. You sound so bloody patronising. What is wrong with you?

I knew from the age of about 25 that I did not want to have children and I'm over 50 now. Luckily I married a man who didn't want children either.

You sound like you need to get out a bit more and experience life. To some of us the "big white wedding and 2.5 children" would be our ideal of hell. I don't expect to be congratulated on those personal choices that I have made any more than I'd think of congratulating you on your choices.

JosieRosie · 31/10/2011 16:06

'To some of us the "big white wedding and 2.5 children" would be our ideal of hell'

I'm 100% with you on this ItsSophiesChoice. I have to say I have enjoyed this thread because in my experience, it's rare to have anyone say anything positive about people who choose not to have children. I don't want or expect to be congratulated on it either but I thought OP's heart was in the right place on this. I find it far more patronising to be told 'you'll change your mind'! Just a different opinion......

HerdOfTinyElephants · 31/10/2011 16:10

To be fair, 2.5 children would be most people's idea of hell... Grin

Original poster
Perriwinkle · 31/10/2011 16:12

PosiesOfPoison Mon 31-Oct-11 11:28:14

Strange OP. I couldn't really care less who wants, has, doesn't have children.

So having said that why not leave the thread rather than continuing to make nasty comments like "childfree life is vile" and sharing pointless information with the rest us like your children are the best thing since sliced bread?

If you're not interested simply hide the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkle · 31/10/2011 16:19

ItsSophiesChoice what is wrong with you?

I happen to think this is an interesting topic to discuss. I'm not really bothered if you think it's of no consequence. I'm sure that if you scroll back over most of the topics that get discussed on this board you could easily say "I'm not remotely interested" in about 99% of them!

If you're not interested then please move along and take PosiesOfPoison with you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perriwinkle · 31/10/2011 16:21

Also sophie you need to read the thread. I am not a member of the big white wedding or 2.5 children bridage. You also won't catch me waxing lyrical about motherhood. Now who's being patronising? Sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder the size of a log to me.

OP posts:
boglach · 31/10/2011 16:26

I just hate this idea that you are suddenly not free once you have kids

Having no responsibilities, no family is to be unconnected not free.

LaurieFairyCake - it is capitalism that is restricting to women, not babies. If motherhood was valued in itself, if we weren't judged by such a target driven society then I think women would feel less disaffected

boglach · 31/10/2011 16:34

No I can't buy as many things, no I can't travel the world, no I don't have an amazing career. Yes my body has stretch marks.

But these, to me, are shallow and ultimately unfulfilling things. Motherhood has set me free actually. It made me realise what is important. And not just in the typical cliche of maternal love and warmth (although I do feel that) but just generally.

Motherhood isn't a commodity (although capitalism has even turned it into one). I am not going to wax lyrical about motherhood either. It just is. Yes it is hard sometimes but it brings a meaning to my life that nothing else has

MardyArsedMidlander · 31/10/2011 17:17

I can't buy things, travel the world AND I have stretch marks Grin.

I just chose to work in the public sector and had a growth spurt at puberty.
Since my days are spent caring for the ungrateful and the unwilling, I feel like I have done my unselfish bit for society.
And for people who say, 'You may not be broody until you try it'- bit of a bloody risk isn't it??? It would break my heart to be a negligent, bored, resentful parent- I grew up with that and could not do it to another child.

Oblomov · 31/10/2011 17:29

I quite like the look of Childfree Life.
What's wrong with not wanting kids? Hardly Vile Hmm
Two of my closest freinds don't have kids and don't want kids.
Some kids are not very pleasant. Some parents are too. Being a parent doesn't necessarily make you a better person.
I, myself, am not really sure I should have had kids. Sometimes I can't stand my own. And often I'm not that keen on other peoples!!
A life without children, doesn't HAVE to be unfullfilling or selfish, surely.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 31/10/2011 17:39

"I am going to be a teeny tiny bit controversial here and say that a fair few people who I have met who don't want kids seem quite self-absorbed, self-obsessed and selfish... They have no idea what it means to really and truely put another person before themselves and it shows. This is just my opinion and I'm not saying this is right or wrong that some seem like that."

But so what? What's so bad about that? What's so great about spending a large chunk of your life martyring yourself to others, who half the time don't even notice or appreciate it (TIC Wink )?! If they are like that, then surely it's better for everyone if they don't have children.

You only get one shot at life - if they want to be responsibility-free with no ties to sleep-in, go on holidays whenever and wherever not, go out with wild abandon and roll in at 3AM, then why the hell not?! :)

I always say to people who are in any way disinclined towards it, it's probably best you don't as you might not find the hard slog and responsbility rewarding. You might, but then again you might not. Not many people admit this.

OP - YANBU.

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