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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DIL says I am

263 replies

EmmaInADilemma · 28/10/2011 10:25

Bit of background first. I'm retired, mediocre pension but I do a little bit of part time work. I own my own house outright. I'm comfortable but not particularly flush with money in the bank.

I have two sons, mid 30's. One is married, both DS and DIL have reasonable jobs, mortgaged to the hilt and their one DGS is at primary school. I help out where I can. I can do some of the wrap round care. I baby sit when asked, which is infrequently as they rarely go out as they don't have the spare cash for a hectic social life. The nature of my PT job allows me to have DGS most of the holidays thus avoiding expensive clubs. They rarely go on holiday certainly never abroad on expensive holidays. DGS isn't materially spoilt because a they cant afford it and b they just aren't the sort of people to indulge in must have gadgets cell phones or consoles

My other son is in a relationship. Not married. She has two from a previous relationship which my son treats as his own and I treat them as my own GC. They have a further three DC together. Neither of them work. She's never worked and I can't remember the last time he worked with any regularity. So they are both home to do school drop and pick up. They call in and out of my house several times a week either with or without the children. If Im going into town I will call and see if DIL wants to meet me for coffee etc. We have a good relationship. These GDC do have every conceivable gadget going. Even the 7yo has a blackberry. They think nothing of taking the DGC out of school and going abroad to get cheap flights and accomodation. They know the offer of babysitting is there if they need it and the younger ones do come over in the holidays too.

So. Christmas is coming. I asked DIL what the children wanted this year and that I was thinking of buying other DGC a laptop as a one off special present. I know DS and his DIL just couldn't afford something like that. So she said along the lines of thats nice but it will be expensive buying 6 laptops. I said that wasn't what I meant and her DC have all the gadgets and I certainly couldnt afford a present bill of nearly £2,000 and she had to be sensible about what I could afford.

Then the resentment came out. I favoured one DGC over the other five (I don't) that I do more for my other son and DIL than I do for them, that I pander and babysit at the drop of hat and it was all awfully unfair. I was shocked. I never knew she harboured all this. If the boot was on the other foot and she worked I would be picking up her DC from school and having them in the holidays. If they were strapped for cash I would try to help out where I could. But the simple fact is, they aren't and have quite an affluent lifestyle in comparison and don't need my help as much.

I really dont think I was being unfair or exercising favouritism by buying one child, who has very little, something nice when all his cousins already have the same thing (and more).

AIBU?

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 28/10/2011 14:01

Why don't you take what you'd spend on the family of 7 and buy a laptop between the family of 3?...that would be fairer and probably appreciated if their PC is on its way out

Moominsarescary · 28/10/2011 14:07

thunder if that was aimed at me none of the other grandchildren feel that my mum favours ds1 either,

she probably spends more time with my dn as she looks after her when my sis and her dh go out and sometimes when they are at work

She has my ds2 stay over night once a week because he likes to stay with her, none of the others have shown an interest in staying with her once a week

None of the dc's have shown even a slight interest in what the others get or how much time is spent with them, they all know that she loves them equally.

MrsMooo · 28/10/2011 14:09

I'm sorry but YABU and evidently judging your DS and DIL, looking after 5 DCs all day is just as tireing as working 9-5, and I say that as a WOHM.

Your DIL is obviously upset that you provide more support and spend more time with your other son's children, so maybe an offer to babysit and let them have some time off from being parents wouldn't go amiss

Being profoundly deaf is a disability, and as thunderbolts having the written medium of communication modern technology is a godesnd and probably the reason why the seem to have so many things.

Your DIL and DS do work, as carers - Would you be happier if they did that for strangers and were paid by a private company as opposed to being on benfits.

Whether you intended to benfit bash or not, t has come accross as that - you could simply have said they seem to have a much larger disposable income...

I don't think yabu to by your DGC a laptop, get it as a family gift though as it's a bit extravagant in my book.
If you don't want to/can't afford to spend the equvilent sum on your other DS's children, that's fine but it would seem fair to spend roughly the same amount on each family

If the real issue here is that your DIL feels you spend more time/do more for your other DGC's, why not make up a book of "vouchers" for babysitting, day out somewhere etc and give them that for Xmas so they can use them throughout the year? Costs nothing and could be a nice gesture if done right

Robotindisguise · 28/10/2011 14:12

Your DIL is being unreasonable about the babysitting.

But it's out of order to buy one of your grandchildren a laptop as a Christmas present, and not the others - regardless of relative income. Although - how depressing that the non-working family are more comfortably-off Sad

Which isn't to say you couldn't have discreetly have given your working DS a non-Christmas gift to buy a laptop at some other point. But it'll be much harder now.

Original poster
EmmaInADilemma · 28/10/2011 14:18

I do spend a lot of time with those DGCs too. They come here in the holidays and DIL often drops them in after school at least twice a week for an hour or so and we have a coffee whilst they all play. I said that in my OP. Obviously not the older two as they are coming home on the bus but they usually pop in at the weekend or later in the early evening.

If I have a favourite which I dont it would be her eldest who isnt blood related to me but they are all equal in my eyes. Hes a smashing boy. Always mows my lawn for me and puts the bins out and isn't too old to give me a sticky kiss on the way out after raiding the cake tin.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 28/10/2011 14:18

I disagree that OP has come across as judging her ds and dil. She has said that she is good friends with her dil, and would give more help if it was needed. She certainly doesn't sound as if she would ever say no if she was asked for help just because both parents are around all day.

I have a friend who is profoundly deaf and is a full time teacher in a secondary school, and also has two dc of her own. She also has a lot to do with running a small charity. She certainly does not require a carer, and would probably be quite insulted if someone suggested she did. I know that people cope with things differently, and it is absolutely right that these people get DLA, but just because they are entitled to DLA does not mean they are more deserving of help than the other famiy.

thebananawitchproject · 28/10/2011 14:20

I think I might just buy myself a spare laptop that can be used here and everyone else can have an oxfam goat. Or a panda from the WWF.

Why would you buy children something like an oxfam goat? What a miserable present for a child.

Maybe to teach everyone a wee lesson on gratitude, appreciation, and attempt to nip the sense of entitlement in the bud? If GCs or their parents feel resentful of what someone else gets as a gift, when it's been explained why (and they are good reasons) then maybe this lesson is needed a lot more than the laptops...

slavetofilofax · 28/10/2011 14:21

Whether you intended to benfit bash or not, t has come accross as that - you could simply have said they seem to have a much larger disposable income...

But then how would she have explained that they have a bigger income and no need for extra childcare?

I think you are being very unfair accusing the OP of benefit bashing.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 28/10/2011 14:23

how depressing eh, these families with disabled members who cannot work should enjoy a poor standard of life Hmm

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 28/10/2011 14:24

that was x posted and was to RobotinDisguise

Xenia · 28/10/2011 14:27

It just shows where all our taxes are going. Themood of the nation has changed and these people on the gravy train are going to get their comeuppance.

Hassled · 28/10/2011 14:29

Emma - you sound like an admirable, caring grandmother who is caught between a rock and a hard place. And for what it's worth, I think the laptop for the one GS is fair enough.

I know that my SIL's DCs got a lot more from my PILs than my DC got - they paid for school trips, they paid for holidays etc - but actually that's fine because at that stage my SIL had a greater need than us - she had her DC very young. DH was older when he had our DC - it was different. So I don't begrudge it all - I know the GCs are all equally loved.

Talk to your DIL again. Reassure her how much you love all the GCs, and make it very clear that it is only about comparative disposable incomes and that you know otherwise the DGS won't manage well at High School. I think she probably just needs reassurance - she'll get some perspective in time.

Dawndonna · 28/10/2011 14:29

It is bloody depressing, Robot I save the state some £305.000 p.a. That's just in wages, add to that the heating, lighting, feeding and it goes into the millions. I get paid £55.00 per week to look after four disabled people.
Sad isn't it.

sheeplikessleep · 28/10/2011 14:32

YABU to spend different amounts on different grandchildren. But then my mum always spent exactly the same on me and my sisters, down to the penny with stockings (I found out since).

I guess my attitude comes from that. Regardless of context (which of course makes it a grey area in your instance as your intention and motivation is a good one), grandchildren should be treated equally.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 28/10/2011 14:33

Xenia - I am outraged that you call DLA a "gravy train" and find it EXTREMELY offensive.

sheeplikessleep · 28/10/2011 14:36

I think your DIL was BU to have responded to your plan though, it's very ungracious and selfish.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 28/10/2011 14:37

fanjo I think you were supposed to. Surely that is the point of such a provocative and ridiculous post Hmm

I cant think of any other reason why someone would want to make that sort of statement.

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 28/10/2011 14:38

unless their head was too far up their bottom to see the truth. Wink

I'd hardly call giving up work to care for someone and getting £200pw a "gravy train"

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 28/10/2011 14:38

i mean per MONTH, not week

Sandalwood · 28/10/2011 14:39

I like BabyDubs' idea OP.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie · 28/10/2011 14:43

desperately in order to earn that wage would you be willing to become disabled first? Or to offer one or two of your children up for an instant disability?

Do you think it would be worth it?

What disability would you like and which ones would you choose for your DCs?

FanjoForTheMuahahammaries · 28/10/2011 14:44

yes, my DD's disabilities are well worth that extra cash on the gravy train Hmm..and I am working and don't even get carer's allowance.

thunderboltsandlightning · 28/10/2011 14:45

Banana if we're talking lessons here what sort of lesson would the OP be teaching her grandson buying him an expensive gift whilst the other grandchildren are expected to be happy with much less? If you want entitled children, grandparents buying them laptops looks like a good way to start.

Also that kind of sanctimony directed at children in the form of using presents to teach them "lessons" is more than a bit grim.

slavetofilofax · 28/10/2011 14:47

Out of interest, what would a deaf person need from a full time carer? Does anyone know?

I can't think of a reason why someone who is deaf would need a full time carer, but I'm sure there must be one.

Dawndonna · 28/10/2011 14:49

Xenia Please come and explain to my dd why not being able to walk puts her on the gravy train. I'd really like to see her wipe the floor with your bad attitude. Perhaps you'd like to have a word with Dd2, who posts on occasion in special needs. Explain to her why her Asperger's, ODD, ADHD, and SPD make her a scrounger. Or perhaps you want to tell Ds2 that he has no friends because he's on the gravy train and it's nothing to do with his differences.
Maybe it's me on the gravy train, looking after them and a husband who can't walk, has AS and who is in constant pain, that is the scrounger, my £55 quid a week, for working around eighteen hours a day, seven days a week, no breaks, no holidays, no time off for good behaviour.
Alternatively, sod off to the Dail Fail site.