AIBU? DIL says I am

[EmmaInADilemma]

Bit of background first. I'm retired, mediocre pension but I do a little bit of part time work. I own my own house outright. I'm comfortable but not particularly flush with money in the bank.

I have two sons, mid 30's. One is married, both DS and DIL have reasonable jobs, mortgaged to the hilt and their one DGS is at primary school. I help out where I can. I can do some of the wrap round care. I baby sit when asked, which is infrequently as they rarely go out as they don't have the spare cash for a hectic social life. The nature of my PT job allows me to have DGS most of the holidays thus avoiding expensive clubs. They rarely go on holiday certainly never abroad on expensive holidays. DGS isn't materially spoilt because a they cant afford it and b they just aren't the sort of people to indulge in must have gadgets cell phones or consoles

My other son is in a relationship. Not married. She has two from a previous relationship which my son treats as his own and I treat them as my own GC. They have a further three DC together. Neither of them work. She's never worked and I can't remember the last time he worked with any regularity. So they are both home to do school drop and pick up. They call in and out of my house several times a week either with or without the children. If Im going into town I will call and see if DIL wants to meet me for coffee etc. We have a good relationship. These GDC do have every conceivable gadget going. Even the 7yo has a blackberry. They think nothing of taking the DGC out of school and going abroad to get cheap flights and accomodation. They know the offer of babysitting is there if they need it and the younger ones do come over in the holidays too.

So. Christmas is coming. I asked DIL what the children wanted this year and that I was thinking of buying other DGC a laptop as a one off special present. I know DS and his DIL just couldn't afford something like that. So she said along the lines of thats nice but it will be expensive buying 6 laptops. I said that wasn't what I meant and her DC have all the gadgets and I certainly couldnt afford a present bill of nearly £2,000 and she had to be sensible about what I could afford.

Then the resentment came out. I favoured one DGC over the other five (I don't) that I do more for my other son and DIL than I do for them, that I pander and babysit at the drop of hat and it was all awfully unfair. I was shocked. I never knew she harboured all this. If the boot was on the other foot and she worked I would be picking up her DC from school and having them in the holidays. If they were strapped for cash I would try to help out where I could. But the simple fact is, they aren't and have quite an affluent lifestyle in comparison and don't need my help as much.

I really dont think I was being unfair or exercising favouritism by buying one child, who has very little, something nice when all his cousins already have the same thing (and more).

AIBU?

This is starting to sound a bit like a moral issue to do with 'hard-working families' vs those on benefits . If that's the case then YABU.

Presumably if your DIL receives DLA then she has a disability that means she can't work, and if your DS is caring for her (plus two children with disabilities?) it can't be easy for him to go out to work as well?

Or in other words, what Dawndonna said!

Like diddl, I don't think your DS sounds 'bone idle'. From your description of what they receive, it sounds like your DIL is disabled and this probably contributes to her not working. Two of the children are also disabled and require DLA to meet their everyday needs. Your DS (I assume) receives carer's allowance because he has to care for all three of them. Your DIL receives carer's allowance because she cares for her mother too. Is that correct?

emma could you not buy a pre-owned laptop for a fraction of the price?

At the end of the day YANBU it's entirely up to you what you spend your money on. If DIL brings it up again just point out that her kids have all the techy gadgets and you think the laptop will really help DGS with his schoolwork etc. Then refuse to discuss it further.

uk.webuy.com/product.php?sku=SLAPDEL10101B

Maybe something like that? Usually stores like that offer an excellent returns policy so it's just as secure as buying brand new.

Well, whatever the moral issue of benefits/hard work, the moral of this thread is - a wise grandparent treats all grandchildren with equal love and affection, and maintains a healthy respect for, and distance from, the parents.

Now - I fully expect some people will jump on that as suggesting gp's should be cold and distant and uninvolved. I don't mean that at all.

What I mean is - you seem to have a detailed knowledge of the incomes and outgoings of your adult sons. You have discussed the detail with one family of what you might or might not buy as Christmas presents. And you clearly do a lot of unpaid childcare for one family. (ok, so the other family don't work so dont need it, but what if their circumstances changed? Would you be able to offer the same to them?)

I think you need to back off and focus on your own life and give your love freely to each grandchild, but make it a relationship based on that, not on quantifying how much you spend, or how much babysitting you do. It sounds as though your desire to be helpful has created an unhealthy level of involvement. Your sons are adults and as such should BOTH be standing on their own two feet

YANBU. I don't expect GPs to spend the same on the GCs every year. DD1 is getting a bike this christmas from them...£60. Which is a lot, I don't expect them to spend the same on DD2 who is 8 months old and I am fairly sure DSIL won't expect the same on her two. Next year one of the others may get a big present. It will all even out eventually.

People should just be grateful when they get a present, not compare it with everyone else.

You sound lovely.

Maybe at bit silly mentioning to your DIL,but to be honest she should be buying YOU an effin laptop.

Based on your DIL's circs as you posted, I have worked out their income

Child Benefit x5
Carer's Allowance x2
Tax Credits x5 kids,plus family prem
Disabled Child premium X2
DLA x 3 (guestimating rates tho)
Incapacity/ESA for DIL and DS

it works out at £3996.60 per month.

Just saying

OP I would go ahead with the laptop idea, but Id buy it as a family gift to your DS1, DIL1 and DGS. Then Id spend an equal amount of a family gift to you DS2 DIL2 and DGC. Another laptop/games console/selection of boardgames/year ticket to a themepark or zoo etc. Then you have bought two gifts of equal cost and worth for each of your sons families.

I think you may find it's nearer 2800 per month.
It's not a huge amount with bills to pay and food to purchase for seven people.
Yes I know that others earn less than that, but if there are people with disabilities in the house, they are entitled to a reasonable standard of living.

Child benefit and carer's allowance are taken off the total that dwp give.
So, two lots of carer's allowance and all the child benefit is removed from the 'how much the government says you need to live on' total.

I understand the sentiment of buying each GC what they need, and it evening out over time.

However, in some cases it doesn't even out and there is blatant favourtism. I am the mother of 4 children that have been systematically ignored in favour of their cousins. When this all started about 10 years ago I used to get really upset and now I just figure you reap what you sow. MIL shows no interest in our kids, and therefore we make no effort to include MIL in anything going on in our family. She's made her preferences clear, which is fine.

I have tried to point out in the past how her behaviour makes us feel and how our kids will see things but she continues.

Now I let her be responsible for her own actions. When she can be arsed to make the effort to see our kids and she talks incessantly about the cousins, I let her handle the questions from my DD about why she never comes to see her on her birthday but always goes to see her cousin. I have an inner smile watching MIL squirm at that!

If she ever dares to moan to me about how she hasn't got a good relationship with my kids, she better be prepared to hear exactly why that is!

"how did they turn out so differently?"

erm, independant thought patterns? the fact that they aren't the same person? different goals/priorties in life?

not a difficult concept really.

Babydub speaks sense

I can see where you are coming from. 2 of my nieces live in Foster care. My mum and dad often pay for their school trips. My bother who is their father moaned about it, and my mum replied "Those girls wouldn't get anything but if they lived with you, then they'd expect you to pay for it! Us paying ensures that all the grandchildren get offered the same trips that the rest of our grandchildren expect and get!"

I don't grudge my mum and dad paying for my nieces as their mum never would have that money and their dad well he's only interested in his son! Not his 3 daughters.

But there's always one who has to tantrum about it in our family and it's usually their dad.

dawndonna

Only £2800?! Well that's a mere pittance! Factor in as well that they won't be paying rent or council tax and I'd say that's roughly £40k a year, take home pay! A quick calculation tells me that's the equivalent to having a £58k a year salary.

No one's saying disabled people shouldn't be entitled to a decent standard of living, or that the OP's DS and DIL's benefits should be cut. But come on, that's a damn good wage, I wouldn't mind earning that much.

sorry but why are people sitting working out how much this family is receiving in benefits? how the fuck is that relevant to the OP's dilemma?

sounds to me like a benefits bashing thread and as usual an ignorant one at that.

7 mouths to feed, 7 heads to put a roof over and 3 disabled members' needs to meet, well done to them if they are able to manage their finances so well that they can afford to go on holidays and buy their children expensive things.

i'm just waiting for the posts saying, they probably aren't really that disabled and OP should be reporting them to the benefits office for fraud

I don't think YABU at all. I think think your DIL has the problem and she needs to appreciate that her family is better off than your other son and that in turn if her family were ever in this situation that you would help them out as well.

Unfortunately in life some people are very jealous of others no matter what and don't have a generous bone in their bodies.

Okay Pom, but we don't know the extra costs of the disabilities involved. For example, I have a dd that gets hypothermia. My heating bill is therefore scary.

Very true desperatelyseekingpombears

Why do people confuse love with amount of money spent? they must be insecure.
I love all my children equally and they are secure and happy but spend different amounts on them at Christmas depending on what they need/want
as do their Grandparents

"that her family is better off than your other son "

Well, except her husband is her carer & she is her mother´s carer.

So they might not see it that way.

I think the fact you've shared you are considering purchasing a laptop will be a factor whether you go ahead now or not. Your DIL will still be upset that you were considering doing this regardless of your decision now.

However, I do feel that you should spend the same amount across all your grandchildren, it does annoy me that my nephew gets more than my son because we earn a better living than my sister.

Plus how do you justify the decision to the children who didn't get the expensive present?