AIBU? DIL says I am

[EmmaInADilemma]

Bit of background first. I'm retired, mediocre pension but I do a little bit of part time work. I own my own house outright. I'm comfortable but not particularly flush with money in the bank.

I have two sons, mid 30's. One is married, both DS and DIL have reasonable jobs, mortgaged to the hilt and their one DGS is at primary school. I help out where I can. I can do some of the wrap round care. I baby sit when asked, which is infrequently as they rarely go out as they don't have the spare cash for a hectic social life. The nature of my PT job allows me to have DGS most of the holidays thus avoiding expensive clubs. They rarely go on holiday certainly never abroad on expensive holidays. DGS isn't materially spoilt because a they cant afford it and b they just aren't the sort of people to indulge in must have gadgets cell phones or consoles

My other son is in a relationship. Not married. She has two from a previous relationship which my son treats as his own and I treat them as my own GC. They have a further three DC together. Neither of them work. She's never worked and I can't remember the last time he worked with any regularity. So they are both home to do school drop and pick up. They call in and out of my house several times a week either with or without the children. If Im going into town I will call and see if DIL wants to meet me for coffee etc. We have a good relationship. These GDC do have every conceivable gadget going. Even the 7yo has a blackberry. They think nothing of taking the DGC out of school and going abroad to get cheap flights and accomodation. They know the offer of babysitting is there if they need it and the younger ones do come over in the holidays too.

So. Christmas is coming. I asked DIL what the children wanted this year and that I was thinking of buying other DGC a laptop as a one off special present. I know DS and his DIL just couldn't afford something like that. So she said along the lines of thats nice but it will be expensive buying 6 laptops. I said that wasn't what I meant and her DC have all the gadgets and I certainly couldnt afford a present bill of nearly £2,000 and she had to be sensible about what I could afford.

Then the resentment came out. I favoured one DGC over the other five (I don't) that I do more for my other son and DIL than I do for them, that I pander and babysit at the drop of hat and it was all awfully unfair. I was shocked. I never knew she harboured all this. If the boot was on the other foot and she worked I would be picking up her DC from school and having them in the holidays. If they were strapped for cash I would try to help out where I could. But the simple fact is, they aren't and have quite an affluent lifestyle in comparison and don't need my help as much.

I really dont think I was being unfair or exercising favouritism by buying one child, who has very little, something nice when all his cousins already have the same thing (and more).

AIBU?

Yes, they must need some care if they get DLA,.. you actually do have to fill in a big form stating the help you need and provide medical evidence too, so I'd put aside your scepticism.

You sound like a lovely granny to me...... I wish you were my mum! I get on agro from my mum....... Poor me.

The whole thing about the fairness is a valid point, however I can see why you would want to help the grandchild who has less. You shouldn't have told dil, but she was very unreasonable to tell you you were being unfair.
Could you give the 2 ds money, not for Christmas, but mire or less equal to what a laptop costs? That way ds could buy dgc the laptop and other ds could choose what he wants to do with his? No unfairness there, both your ds have had the same.

Not all Deaf people are as confident and as educated as your friend slave

Much would depend on the DIL's method of communication and level of literacy.

There are thousands of Deaf adults to whom english is at least a second language.

Whilst not being able to access information would not neccesitate a full time carer it certainly makes life very difficult.

Unemployment levels in Deaf adults are very high also. I wonder how easy it would be for DIL to find a job in the current climate?

It would be pretty difficult to comment properly on DIL's situation without knowing a great deal more.

And its none of our business really is it?

The thing is that some children just do have less than others.

Surely it´s not up to GPs to pick up the tab?

I suppose from my POV a laptop is just way OTT as a present for a GP to buy at Christmas.

OP-what does your son think of it?

Perhaps he would appreciate a laptop for his son for secondary school but would rather pay you back for example.

I shall make it short and sweet.

OP, YANBU, for many of the varying reasons posters have already given.

thunderbolts, do you seriously think there should be any level of expectation on the part of GCs on what gifts they get? To compare their gifts to their cousin's gift? Rather than appreciate the thought that would go into their gifts, instantly be ungrateful because they don't have a laptop too? As for the GC who was to be the recipient of the laptop - why does this gift suddenly make him develop any entitlement? Or are you following the logic that the 5 GCs who have a lot more materially than the other GC have a sense of entitlement because they have so much? And have been given expensive gifts by their parents?

The OP put some thought into what her GC would like, get good use out of, and what he would not otherwise have the opportunity to have. The thought behind that gift is completely ignored in favour of focussing on the monetary value spent, and expecting the same x 5 for DIL's kids. Damn right that sort of thinking needs a harsh lesson to adjust it to something more humble and appreciative instead of instant entitlement.

You sound a good granny and YADNBU.

I think the laptop might have been better as a 'non-Christmas/Birthday', as that would be an out-of-the-usual present and seen as Granny helping out rather than something that could be compared. There's no way my DC or neices/nephews will be getting something that expensive from their grandparents for Christmas, but it wouldn't be out of the question for GPs to help out with something big at another time of year if someone really needed something specific.

I'd be quite cool with your demanding DiL for a bit, don't run after her and try to make amends. She should know that you will respond to your family's needs as you see them, that's not an all-round all-must-have prizes thing, but will vary as one family member needs you more or less.

Sorry I can't relate to that level of sanctimony banana.

Of course children know when they are being treated unfairly. It's going to be hard for grandchildren in one family not to notice that the other grandchild is being so favioured. It's hurtful to be on the receiving end of that. For you to reduce that kind of hurt to some kind of graspingness is pretty unpleasant. If they were all expecting laptops and thinking that Granny should provide, you might have a point, but this thread is about whether or not a grandmother is being reasonable in planning to treat her grandchildren in such an unfair manner. It's about her choices, so why are you attacking the grandchildren, who have done nothing wrong? I don't think she's being reasonable, other people here think it's fine not to be fair to children.

"harsh lesson"

Yuck. Like I said I just can't relate to that kind of punishing way to relate to children.

It's easy to be fair, you just treat them the same.

YANBU.

My husband and I have 3 children between us. Last year we bought my DSS a laptop because he had just started senior school and needed one for his school work. My ds got £50 worth of games (he is 2 years younger) and our dd got less than that (she was only 10mths). Childrens needs are different at different ages, and as it seems in this circumstance the DGC you are buying the laptop for doesn't have access to a laptop at the moment, where the others do. If he is nearing the end of his primary education, and heading for his senior then he will probably need one soon anyway.

Fanjo - huge apologies. I did read about the DLA but was distracted between reading the OP and posting my response and forgot that part of the benefit they receive is DLA.

Emma first can I say that you sound lovely and very considerate.

I agree with another poster that you should maybe get everyone similar presents and then give GCS parents the money for the laptop separately and ask them to keep it quiet.

A separate issue is the resentment that you now think your DIL has been harbouring. It is probably worth clearing the air and just say "I didn't realise that you thought I was offering my other DIL so much more help. I thought you knew that if you needed the childcare, I'd be happy to help as much."

You mentioned that she's a carer for her mother (is that right?). If so, she could probably do with a break now and then, even if she's not working. Even if she's not caring for her mum, with five kids she could probably just do with the break for herself (and your DS)! Maybe offer and see?

It sounds like the two of you have always got on well, so maybe she just said stuff she didn't mean because she was cross. It sounds like it's worth clearing the air and sorting it out.

Best of luck!

IMO it does come across as benefit bashing, listing what they get and describing them as afluent - DLA's good but not THAT good, the statement that they are bone idle and scatty... but it's just my opinion.

It's no one's business but theirs why they have more disposable income so there's not need to give a reason unless it's part and parcel of the AIBU dillema.

FWIW I think the OP's heart is in the right place, she obviously wasn't intentionally upsetting the DIL, and does sound like a lovely Gran, but there's obviously a miscommunication there if the DIL feels as she does.

I still think the offer to take the pressure off by babysitting would help. If I were the DIL I would feel a little off asking MIL to babysit if she offers the other DIL/DS - and a laptop is a very extravagant gift either way.

And I still think that caring for 5DCs and a parent is just as hard if not more so than going out and doing a 9-5, so she does need the support just as much as the working DIL.

To me though it would seem that the DIL wasn't that bothered about the gift itself, but the perception of favoritism, so it's not really about the laptop at all... Have a chat with her OP, I'm sure if you explain as you have here it will smooth things over. Get both families family gifts, laptop for one and whatever you think would help/be best for your other DGC's

FFS, DLA's not a gravy train, and AFAIK has quite a few quite stringent requirements in order for it to be awarded, so if the DIL and DGC's are getting it can we not accept that they deserve it or is this going to turn into diability top trumps where you are only really disabled if you've got x?

Because there seems to be quite a bit of well DGC 1's parents aren't sponging off the state so he deserves more going about on this thread, surely where the parents get their income from is irrelivant?

*disability not diability DOH

Being deaf is a disability, but I'm confused as to how dil can act as a carer for her mum and dc, yet be unable to do the same things for herself that she is claiming benefit for doing for her mum and children. Surely if she needs her dh to do those things for her, then she would be unable to do them for someone else?

Robots - accepted, I am the queen of not reading things properly and then posting.

I agree with Lemon, i'd be quite cool with the DIL demanding things too. She is fine financially as the state is providing far more income than a wage most likely and she chose to have 5 children knowing she wouldnt work.

I'd buy the laptop, its none of their business. Your grandson will be very grateful and hopefully will do well in school and follow in his parents footsteps and work for a living.

I'm a bit gobsmacked by this thread.

My DH and his older brother have always earned pretty well and have been able to give our/their respective DCs appropriate technology, bicycles, school trips etc. Their younger brother has always worked in a (worthy) career that does not pay well. My MiL has helped out with these things for the younger brother's DC. We are all delighted and think it's eminently fair that she makes sure that two of her GCs are not significantly disadvantaged compared to their cousins.

We did ask the OP about the second family's income (because I think many of us wondered whether they were, in fact, not affluent at all but were actually seriously strapped for cash right now but just hiding it). She hadn't even mentioned benefits until we asked.

This is impossible!

I totally understand people's views about favouritism but from a very simplistic perspective you have a child of the age who NEEDS a laptop.

The only way round it is to give him yours in the guise of buying a new one for you.

Karma, the system is very strange in that way. If the DIL is well enough to parent five children and receive payment for caring for her own mother then surely the DS has no reason not to work as she obviously doesnt need to be looked after herself. I wonder if claims are actually cross referenced as seems very strange.

bash bash

those lazy disabled people looking after 5 kids two of which are disabled, talk about an easy life!

thunderbolts, I'm not attacking anyone. The OP would only be treating her GC unfairly if she had planned to buy 1 a gift and leave the others out. She wasn't. She clearly intended to buy gifts for the other 5, but the monetary value was of more importance to the DIL than the thought behind the gift. Some people would be pleased that someone, who doesn't normally get anything extravagant, got a lovely thoughtful gift even if it was more expensive that the gift they got themselves.

OK, maybe those 5 GCs wouldn't feel the way DIL does. For that I'll concede the 'harsh lesson' is not theirs to be learned. But the DIL certainly needs to adjust her thinking IMO and understand that each family is different, and have different considerations from the OP's POV. I'm pretty sure any gift the OP would have considered for the other 5 GCs would have been equally as thoughtful as the other GC's gift was. To assume they wouldn't be, because individually the gifts don't cost as much, is enormously ungrateful.

anyway this thread is certainly interesting as it exposes the attitudes of people towards people who are disabled/carers and cannot work...

Not a surprise really.

Catch yourselves on though, lots of you talking about someone's children deserving less because they cannot work and are therefore some sort of second rate citizens in your eyes.

I do and don't think you are bu. I sympathise with your logic re the presents but I don't think the children would. So I think you should get them all similar value presents and then help the single GS out with a new laptop when he needs it, but very quietly!! If it were to become a prob you would just have to say, 'I know it seems unfair but he needed it and I was in a position to help'.